Suck it up, Jack.

If you submit it's definitely over. Stand up and fight.

BX,

No, it's not unless you say it is. Are you folding your hand?

No one here will blame you if that's the case. I'm just asking you directly: are you done with your wife and family as it stands today in that you are ready to divorce your wife?

I have been watching this thread to see how this will play out, but I feel like I need to add my two cents...

#1: The phone call to the sister sounds fishy. We all know waywards lie...maybe she found the VAR? maybe she is lying to her sister? IMO, waywards are like monkeys...they don't let go of one branch until they have another one to swing to. Think about it this way..whether you believe it or not, ya'lls marriage does have value to her....time, children, etc...she is not going to let that go unless she perceives that she is letting it go for something of greater value. No way she just goes off into the wild blue yonder with no idea of what tomorrow holds. The whole figure things out by myself and just be alone is laughable.....waywards were not content with the positive input from their spouse and had to seek out an AP....and now they are independent and self-sufficient enough to go into the nunnery/priesthood?

2: You desperately need to expose to her work. My gut feeling is that this affair has gone way underground or she plans to rekindle it once you are apart. Exposure at work will kill this fantasy real quick. And if you won't do it for your marriage, at least have the kindness to do it for someone else's...you never know how your actions could affect someone down the road. If more people were exposed to the consequences and general ugliness of infidelity, maybe it would not look so tempting.

Of course I'm not ready to quit by my God, she doesn't want to be here anymore. I don't know how you all have the courage to keep going. Of course, I'm not ready to quit but she made it perfectly clear she doesn't want to be married anymore.

There is no reason to do plan a or b so what now? Just suck it up and be the strong one? I know what you all are going to say but it appears easier said than done. I'm more hurt now than I was two months ago on D-day.

Drscott, I'm confident she didn't find the recorder. Why would she lie to her sister? Now I'm the one in the fog!

Re: Workplace Exposure vs Your New Position

"Uhhhh, President Truman, for the 37th time, we urge you to use that really big weapon we've developed to end the conflict."

"No, gentlemen, I found a better way to end the strife and destruction. I'm going to surrender!"

BXB - I haven't read your thread, but you keep going because it's worth fighting for. If you have kids, this is worth fighting for; what kind of lessons do you want to teach them? The WS lesson - whenever things get tough, you run away. That's the general approach, along with I DESERVE to be happy. Well, to a certain extent that's true, but you shouldn't weave a trail of destruction for YOUR happiness. Bottomline, I don't want to work at my relationships. If I have to work at them, they're not worth it and it's easier to find a new (and shiny) one. Fast forward - and the pattern repeats - shiny is no longer shiny and new - now you have to make it 'work' and that's too hard....repeat...find shiny new one...

The BS lesson - stand and fight until you've exhausted ALL options. Believe in the greater family good; i.e. you're humiliated because of the A, but you're willing to work on the M, because it's worth fighting for. That's an alien concept to a WS. That way your conscience is clear. The lesson your kids learn - fight for what you believe in - and you might win (there's a lesson in forgiveness) - or if you 'lose' (D) then at least you know you did everything humanly possible to save it. You walk away with no regrets.

You only recently started this journey, your emotions are raw. That's understandable. Hunker down and fight - if it's worth fighting for. If it's not worth it - cut it off quick. Plan B/D immediately - get it done and over with. The longer you linger, the longer you'll be in an emotional he11. Trust me - I've plan Aed since February and I'm just now getting ready for plan B. That was my planned timeline - I love my WW so much, but now I've got to let her go. It's not easy - it's darn hard with a six year old.

Thank you for the pep talk. I knew the answer before I asked it. I've tried extremely hard to make this work but when both people aren't on the same page, it's nearly impossible. You can talk until you are blue in the face but it falls on deaf ears.

I said it before (just Luke a new post on the board) it's just not fair. My WW is clueless, selfish and has no regard for anyone but herself. We have two beautiful girls (4 and 2) that are going to be affected.

WW thinks everything will be ok and we'll still be friends. Last night she actually gave me a hug like this was no big deal and just texted me asking if I needed anything at the grocery. I wish I could go through life as clueless as she is.

Having been divorced before you feel like you can do better the next time and that you learn to be a better husband. But life throws kids, jobs health issues your way and you "forget" what being a husband or wife really is.

I just need to keep working on me and being the best dad and husband I can. That way I will know I did my best. I just need to suck it up like HoldHerHand said. I'm just feeling sorry for myself even though this isn't my fault.

Thanks again for all the posters help.

The better question would be "Why wouldn't she lie to her sister?"...being a WS involves becoming very comfortable with lying. First, you lie to yourself and rewrite marital history to justify the affair, then you lie to your spouse to conduct the affair, and it snowballs from there.

Of course she is going to lie to her family. The truth is too ugly..and some family members don't want to know the truth because it is all so dark and ugly. In fact, to this day my serial cheating ex's family think I am a jealous control freak, in spite of mounds of evidence produced+U.S.A.W. brought one of her AP's to a family New Year's party. It is a lot easier and more comfortable for the family to believe that I am jealous and crazy vs. the reality.

Yes, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve this. I have been where you are at and I am sorry for, and sympathize with your extreme duress. But the bottom line is that you have a responsibility to expose to her job...not an easy thing to do, I had two employers to expose to, and it was difficult on many levels. Once you have exposed like this, you will truly understand that it is not out of revenge, it is just the right thing to do for your marriage and society in general. If you truly want to save your marriage, workplace exposure is a must! And, I repeat, if not for your marriage, then think of others you may be helping by you standing up for what is right and demonstrating the potential consequences of an affair. The saying about "the only way for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" comes to mind.

EXPOSE THE WORKPLACE

You keep going because you have to keep going. It sounds like its time to prepare for Plan B. It seems to me everything she is saying is still typical wayward stuff. Do it for your kids.

Mehr, after seeing your sig line you certainly a strong person. My thoughts and prayers are with you. My wife isn't leaving the house and I'm not either so we are at a stand still.

Plan A and B will prepare you for if the marriage does end.

It'll make you feel better in the end.

It will make you feel you gave it your best.

Plan B helps YOU wean off the marriage too. A very useful thing if you do wind up divorcing.

You can get her out of the house. You plan A while she is there and then use legal measures for her to leave to implement plan B.

Stupid question, how do you get your WW out of the house legally when her name is on the mortgage in a no fault state?

You will need to contact a lawyer in your state to get that question answered.

Time to lawyer up, my friend. One way to defog her is to let her see that divorce will be a nasty affair full of unknowns.

She imagines in her head, as all WW'es do, that you will have an amicable divorce, get along splendidly after you D, and that the children will frolic in green fields full of rainbows filled by the love of her and her new man.

Destroy that image. Get a lawyer now and file before she does. Filing first lets you control the pace and allows you to withdraw the petition to divorce, resetting the whole process and forcing her to file if she wants to pursue it.

File on grounds of adultery. If you can't do that, then do it on grounds of mental cruelty.

Then file a lawsuit against OM, if you can.

you need to ask for everything in your petition: Child support, spousal support, all your stuff, etc. Let her know you're willing to take everything if necessary.

Will you? No. You won't. But this is psychological warfare. The objective is to defog her and protect yourself.

I didn't even think about a lawsuit against OM. Brilliant! I spoke to my attorney yesterday so I'm good there.

BXB Did you ever expose the workplace...if not your getting way behind as now shes telling everyone your a nutjob and shes gonna D you. Oh well.

helpthelostdads,
She beat me to it. Her attorney called mine asking to try the case in a different county. I said no because where we live I would have a male judge and she wants to try it where we work with a woman judge. So already, small victory for me (if there is such a thing). To address your other statements, she filed before me, I cannot sue on the grounds of adultery or mental cruelty. Also, I can't sue the other man, he lives out of state and my state is a no fault state.

Hilsmonemoretime, no I did not expose the workplace. I napalmed his A$$ with exposure and he stopped calling/texting. Since that time, I have spoken to everyone on my exposure list (mom, dad, brother, sister, etc. except the wife, she won't take my call.) My WW proceeds to tell me last night that it's also over and has been since the day I exposed. No VAR recordings of them together.

The OM probably decided it wasn't worth it since he is 4 states away and only saw her once or twice a year anyway. He also deleted his Facebook account. Finally, no tesxt or emails from him since that time.

Last night she had the nerve to ask me what we were going to tell our friends about all this. I told them if ANYONE asks, I was going to tell them the truth. She then says that I am going to ruin her reputation and run her name through the mud (that shold go on the other link about stupid things WW says). Anyway, I laugh and tell her that she should have thought about that a year ago and that "if she plays in dirt, she is going to get dirty." (McNulty from the tv show The Wire). She says now I'm just being a di&k.

Thought from the forum? Is that a di&k move to voulnteer that information to anyone that asks of should I play mister nice guy and just say it didn't work out? (I say the former)

Honesty is a policy of character. You answer your own question :)PORH leads to a lifestyle in all areas of your life.
OM plot and scheme with AP if they are "in Love" so dont rule him out. This is still relatively young. I know its tough but you can do this if you still want it.