Something very important that might have been passed by...

Agree with what Neak said about your husband being all over the place right now, so don't put to much stock in what he says or his actions right now.

I'm specifically talking about the internet search for divorce laws. Say nothing right now, the more he learns the more he might be pulled back to reality.

But, at some point and especially if he brings it up in a serious conversation, you are going to have to address the possibility of divorce with him. And when that convo happens, you need to squash the idea of a "FANTASY DIVORCE"!

What do I mean about a fantasy divorce? Waywards get the idea that they can have a quick and friendly divorce, remain friends with their ex-spouse, get together for Sunday dinners, trips, holidays, and also be free to carry on and rut with their affair partner. Some are even so deluded they think that the affair partner and ex-spouse can even be "friends" (pardon me while I puke).

When this conversation comes up, in a very straight forward and unemotional way, be sure to let him know it will never go down that way. Tell him you will fight the divorce at every turn, and fight for every minute of custody, for every dime of child support and alimony, that you will get a bulldog attorney and make his and his partner's life a living hell. There will be no "friends" after divorce, you will go completely dark and keep him totally out of your life.

A few minutes later he said, "I guess I can try to sleep in the bed tonight. If I can't sleep and wind up keeping you awake, I can go to the couch". I said, "it's no different than the last month, is it, sleeping with the wall of blanket between us.". He said, "I guess not."

I had taken a sleeping pill and gotten so little sleep I was out in about 30 seconds, and slept a full 8 hours, somewhat was nice. [/quote]

Anybody else think he was reaching out alittle there? Sounded like he wanted to hear her say she wanted him in bed. Maybe hold off on the sleeping pills alittle longer?

I called his parents. Only his mom was home. I told her the whole sordid story - including any bad things I did earlier in the relationship. We talked for about an hour. She was totally flabbergasted. She agreed that his affair needs to stop, and he needs to work on the marriage. She said if he said he's done, maybe he's done. I said, "Well, he's in the midst of an affair, and I think he's depressed but he won't get help, so I'd like him to just .. not make any decisions right now in the state he's in."

She said several times that they will encourage him to end the affair and work on his marriage.

He's going to be furious at me, but given he's already told me today he wants a divorce, I don't see how it can get worse.

Maybe I'm just feeling hopeless, considering he told me this morning he wants a divorce, but I don't see that?

As a newbie, im willing to be corrected but think LuvsDavd is right about the reaching out.

My WH was really annoying about fantasy divorce type scenarios while I was plan Aing him in the run up to exposure. However every now and then I'd get surprising, tentative 'do you want me' signals from him.

I think they start to despise themselves, think they can never be loved or trusted again and in some part try to be reconciled to 'the inevitable'. However the part of him that doesnt really want to go is hoping to hear some love and admiration.

So, given that he's going to be furious when I tell him I talked to his mom, I could use some input on how to handle it.

I'm expecting, "You had no right to do that - they are my parents and it was for me to call them."

Thinking of "You had an opportunity to call them yesterday, and didn't. I was hurting and I wanted their support for our marriage."

I don't think I'll get "I was going to try but now I'm not", but I might get "Did you think it would change anything? I don't love you! I don't want to be married to you!"

Thinking for that I'll say, "Yes, you've mentioned that. But I love you and I want to be married to you and I want their help in that goal."

Any others I should be ready for?

So, given that he's going to be furious when I tell him I talked to his mom, I could use some input on how to handle it.

At 9:12 this morning I gave you the outline of your ONLY response to those kinds of questions:

"I love you so much, and value our marriage so dearly, that I am willing to go to any lengths to give us a chance at recovery to a better marriage than we had."

Of course a REALLY wily wife would:
- be on the phone with his Mom when he gets home,
- hand him the phone saying, "Mom wants to talk to you".
- get back to cooking his favorite, once-a-year meal. (And yes, Neak, in a see-through peignoir set! Happy?)

Indie im just looking at it from where my husband was. He didn't think I could ever want him again and asked me to kick him out on several occations. I told him I was not making it easy and if he wanted to leave he had to decide that.....he never stepped out the door.

He wanted the reasurance that I was willing to love him if he fully came back to me. See if he has to give her up and you are not willing then he is alone. Plan A is all about showing him how good it will be when you both work together.

Sepha, take these opportunities when they come even if you feel like it will not help. You may be happy with he results.

Well, his mom is going to call me when his dad gets home, so there's a possibility that will happen anyway.

He's not really interested in how I look, but I did do my hair and am wearing an outfit which looks good on me without looking like I'm "trying" to hard.

I will remember my 'go to' quote. You know, although I've said "I want to be married to you, I don't want to divorce, I want us to try", I haven't said "I love you" in a few weeks. I couldn't stand that I would hear "I don't love you" in return. I won't go to saying it often, just in response to things like the one above.

I started wearing my H's shirts.
Not his Tee shirts, his button down long sleeve shirts.
I rocked that look.

Love it

Thoughts on exposing to his brother? He's about 4 years younger than WH, military guy, wife, 2 kids - I'd like to get his support in suggesting that WH maintain his NC and work on the marriage.

I'm not sure how to proceed - he's agreed to NC, for the sake of our son, but doesn't want to work on the marriage - still wants to divorce.

Am trying to Plan A, but not finding a lot of information on this particular scenario.

When I was plan A-ing I got coached through step by step. I think the suggestions of nice food and little nighties are your jumping off point. Vets?

Would it help to picture him as a toddler? He says I HATE you and you (patient sigh) well I love you... (#9you little..!!!888)

Wait till you're stronger though..

BTW the divorce talk is rubbish.

I toyed with my wife's dirndl skirts and peasant blouses, but the hairy legs and chest ruined that fashion idea for THOUSANDS of onlookers.

Sorry, Seraph, but it has been a loooooong day.

NG - Wondering what you meant about "more like a BH/WW" and "be careful with the shame"?

Plan A is plan A. It is the same no matter the senario. Everyone looks at there senario is different when looking out from your point of view but all affairs are basically the same.

Why do you think we can tell you almost word for word what will come out of his mouth next?

Remember at this point you are going to have to do all the work ( I know that is not fair) . Once he is out of the fog you can back off and let him do some heavy lifting and plan a you back.

Just stay calm and make home the best place in the world for him to be. He will get it eventually.

That's why this is the perfect time for some teasing and flirting. It shows that he's still desirable, and begins to turn his interest toward home. SF is almost certainly in his top 3 EN's, ditto admiration. This will make double deposits, without even necessarily going all the way.


Fabuloso!

Definitely admiration and SF are his top 2 needs. Every time I've attempted to "flirt" in any way, he seems to become uncomfortable and awkward, like he wants me to stop.

Bingo.