That is silly and inappropriate. It doesn't help GROWN CHILDREN or anyone else for divorced parents to pose together in wedding pictures. That is very inappropriate and has nothing to do with being "selfish" but with accepting reality. It would also be extremely disrespectful to the partners/spouses of the parents.

Nor do I care about the answer of your BF, because it doesn't make it appropriate for divorced parents to pose together in some crazy attempt at pretense. My 28 year old son just got married last October. His brides parents were also divorced.

They wouldn't have DREAMED of asking their divorced parents to pose together and they didn't. We all posed with our CURRENT SPOUSES and the children. That is what is appropriate.

Laura, there is nothing "adult" about pretending like a couple is not divorced. Adults accept reality and deal with it accordingly. And they don't put themselves in traumatic situations for no better reason than to satisfy some silly cultural mythology.

You know something Melody??? I am 50 years old, my mom and dad have been divorced for nearly 25 years now - and when we had a huge family reunion at Christmastime two years ago, I asked all in my immediately family (6 of us total) to pose for a photo - and yes, I wanted both my Mom and Dad in the photo. And guess what? They BOTH did it - and they HATE each other. They stood on opposite ends of the room - but they DID it because I ASKED them to, and I didn't think it inappropriate for one split second - and I'm all grown up...Me thinks maybe people can wayyyyy overthink things...

And I didn't "pretend" that my Mom and Dad weren't divorced and HATE each other for a minute.

How selfish and thoughtless of YOU to put them in that position. I see nothing "adult" about putting your own parents in awkward positions because you are not adult enough to accept they are divorced. Adults accept reality, they don't ask others to serve their pretenses.

Wow - thanks for saving me the therapy bill - as you seem to have summed it all up for me - I am living in my fantasy-land, hoping that my Mom and Dad get back together and just cannot accept the fact that they are divorced after 25 years, and my BF is "pretending" that he's still a part of an intact family.

And Pepperband stated, back to the matter at hand - this exchange is really not of any benefit to me.

I do apologize to the OP for giving my opinion in the first place and the thread going off in an very unproductive direction.

That will be $5. Please pay on your way out.

My WH's affair is worse than physical abuse. I would have rather been beat up by his fists then get the crap kicked out of my by the POSOW.

He is not my friend. I am teaching my four children I have boundaries and I care for myself more than to have someone that abusive in my life.

Giving kids the reality that life is great after divorce doesn't help to prevent divorce. It gives a false sense of reality. If children fully grasped there is no civility after divorce maybe they will see it for what it truly is - the most destructive and devastating thing on the planet.

Yes life goes on after divorce, but teaching children all is happy afterwards does nobody any good. Let's start getting honest and really demonstrate what infidelity and divorce really is to those children we are raising.

Just pondering here, but why is it that people call BS's "bitter" when they won't play nice with their WS? Seriously? BITTER? How about NORMAL? How about RATIONAL? How about RIGHT?

Sydney, if this situation bothers you, and you feel that it is wrong, then you don't need anyone else to tell you if it is or isn't. My dad always taught me to trust my gut, and your gut is telling you that you weren't comfortable with this. Do you perhaps need help in how you broach this subject with your BF?

FWIW, I don't think I would have a pic taken with my WH now, or should we get D. Come on, we live in a world where photographs cost 19cents, I think I would fork that over to save my piece of mind.

A family picture should be about just that, family. As long as my WH isn't living with me, and working on a relationship WITH me, he isn't my family. I am CERTAIN that my children will understand, and agree with me.

Since my children are young, I won't have to deal with grads, and such for a few years, but even then, there won't be any "family" pics that include BOTH my WH and I.

SidneyT, I'm curious, and just that...curious...so am asking.

How old is this guy and how old is his daughter? How long since his divorce?

I'm curious as to the perspective this might have on his daughter as to fantasies of her parents getting back together.

I would have never in a million years said my 15 yr old daughter had visions of her dad and I getting back together until she told me when she decided to go live with him. That has been a unbelievable dose of reality for me, because I did not tell her the truth of what was happening, she harbored that fantasy, and it all combined to giving him the chance to talk trash about me to the point nothing I say is the truth these days. I'd hate to see his daughter have her fantasy shattered while the parents are actually building it up by their actions.






Me thinks some people don't think enough....

I definitely agree with ML here, what you asked of your parents was very selfish. You state they HATE each other and stood on opposite ends of the room. Did they do this for you? Or because they were the better adults in not raising one heck of a stink and scene by refusing?

Had that been my parents? My dad would have tried hard to not raise that scene, but my mother? IF she even found herself in the same mile zone of my father, the knives, blood and gore would have been all over. She was just that kind of bitter about everything in life.

Here is my two cents on divorced couples "acting like adults" and doing so "for the sake of the children":

Many, many XWS try to have in divorce what they couldn't have in marriage: The freedom to move back and forth betweeen girlfriends/boyfriends and family with no repercussions. They wants to drop in on the family when they feel like enjoying the good parts of Family Time (as at a wedding), and then drop out again until they feels like coming around the next time.

Sorry - this is a terrible example for your children. Families deserve FULL-TIME parents and FULL-TIME spouses. A part-time family is not good enough and the kids should never be shown that it is.

Surely your children deserve more than crumbs and leftovers and part-time parents pretending that a part-time family is enough. Don't they?

Family Time is a privilege that has to be earned - and it is earned by being there FULL-TIME as both a parent AND a spouse.

Since an XWS has decided that they no longer want to be a full-time spouse, they no longer have the privilege of Family Time and your childen should NEVER get the idea that they do. The family no longer exists and it is a terrible disservice to the kids to pretend it does. At least give the kids the respect of not pretending.

By all means let the children spend all the time they want with the XWS, but NOT with the other spouse being there too and pretending to still be a family when there isn�t one.

This is massively confusing to the kids and only teaches them that hey, you can destroy your family and nuke it to bits but still enjoy the fun parts of Family Time when you feel like it! They'll grow up expecting to do exactly this.

And they�ll grow up with the full realization that a part-time family � one with a parent who drops in for birthday parties and other fun times - is supposed to be good enough for them and they should not expect families to be full-time.

No Way. Never. Please don't do this to your kids. Families are not pets that you keep for your amusement and go and visit when you feel like it. As I said, surely your kids deserve better.

Here is an MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" which might be helpful:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Normally I wouldn't have my picture taken with an ex but the only exception I can think of is at one of our children's weddings, if they wanted it (often photographers do some pictures with the original family and some with stepparents, some with B&G & dad's side, some with B&G & mom's side). At my daughter's wedding, her photographer canceled the night before so my son took the pictures, and he did not take ones of his dad and I together. It's their day, though, so I'd do what the bride and groom want.

OH my goodness - I just returned from vacation and am feeling the whacks from the old timer's 2X4's. I suppose some would feel it better to hurt their children if ever, ever asked to sit with their ex for a photo at their once in a lifetime wedding, or once in a lifetime graduation. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out how that would be misleading the children (adults by this time) into believing that Mommy and Daddy are going to get back together, or that the ex spouses are giving their adult children "crumbs" of hope that the family will be together forever. It's a picture for God's sake...

Laura, with all due respect, you seem to be reality averse. Illusions and pretense don't make normal people happy. Not to mention how obnoxious and thoughtless it would be to ask a divorced couple to sit for a picture? Why? To assuage some silly fantasy you have? I can't think of a worse reason.

A "adult" accepts reality, they don't force their childish illusions on others.

OH my Goodness Melody - I'm talking about making someone ELSE happy - and if all it takes is a 30 second photo with my Ex husband to make the child happy at her freaking wedding, then I'm going to sit for the photo to make the ADULT child happy.......My reality is this - divorce stinks - I've gone through it. It's awful and I don't ever want to go through that again. However, life goes on there are times when it is not all about me. I have an excellent grasp on reality Melody, and my reality is that I refuse to let the pain of divorce dictate the rest of my days. I'd ready to get moderated right off this site, but quite frankly, with all due respect, you sound like a very unhappy soul.

Laura, what you are suggesting is making one person unhappy at the expense of another, which is very thoughtless and insensitive. And for what? So that someone who cannot accept reality continues that illusion?

That reflects the outlook of someone who does believe "it's all about me." a child who could not get past her parents divorce.

Sorry, but there is nothing "adult" about illusions. Adults accept reality and they don't try to force others to endorse their illusions.

I will allow you the last word on this - but I want to ask this - how truly unhappy would it make someone to sit still for a 30 second photo at a child's wedding? If sitting for a photo is going to cause that much grief to the spurned spouse, then maybe it best that the spurned spouse stay home in the first place. Call it "la la land" or not having a grasp on "reality' but I'm just incredibly grateful that the grief I felt as a result of my divoce hasn't lingered on and on for decades and I CAN manage to sit in the same room with my ex without turning into a heaping ball of misery - even though he put me through hell. I've moved on. Go ahead Melody - the floor is all yours.

How unhappy would it make an adult child to accept reality and grow up? I question the maturity and stability of any adult who would be "unhappy" because her parents wouldnt participate in such a pretense. Illusions and pretense don't make people happy, it ill equips them to deal with life. I certainly would have never dreamed of trying to force my divorced parents to pose together in some charade at my wedding. And it did not make me "unhappy." How silly.

I decided to call my 28 year old son, who got married last October, and get his perspective. This is not verbatim, but close:

Mel: son, are you unhappy that you didn't get pictures of me and your father together at your wedding?

[after much hesitation and "huhs" he responded]

Son: huh? It never crossed my mind, why?

Mel: so you are not disappointed that your mother and father did not pose together for your wedding pictures?

Son: [still thinking I am nuts for asking] No, because that is not our family dynamic now. We have a new family dynamic and I accept that. Besides, R [my current husband] would feel left out. How would that make K [dad's OW] feel?

Mel: so you are sure this didn't bother you?

Son: Mom, I live in REAL-VILLE, I accepted a long time ago there was a new family dynamic. If I were 4 years old and still loved Teddy Ruxpin, I might have a problem but it never crossed my mind

Laura, it isn't about sitting there for those 30 seconds that is the problem. That picture then goes where? It doesn't get lost in outerspace. It gets printed, and goes in an album or frame, grandchildren, and possibly great grandchildren look at the picture, and they see what? I have one family pic of the four of us together(pre-A). I took it down, and gave it to my children to keep in their room, because their father and mother are both part of their family, but ALL pics taken NOW, are of just the three of us here. I dunno what WH does with them there, and I don't care.

My sis is D'd from her XWH. She has a BF now who lives with her and the four of THEM take pic together, but not any with her XWH.

My BIL and WSIL have been separated for years, and any of their pics are also taken separately(and they have a STRANGE "relationship" now, where they ALL hang out, but the pics are still separate).

A picture is meant to last a lifetime, not 30 seconds. It is meant to capture a special moment, not a pretend moment. I don't see how taking a separate pic with each parent is going to harm someone, but I CAN see how taking pics together will. the original poster of this thread wasn't talking about adult children, so I can see the argument even more on that one. And, it makes the other people in the lives of the ex spouses uncomfortable, so its effects are far reaching.

JMHO