Marriage Builders has been helping me for over 4 years! Thank you. For some reason I come back every year with a new challenge and you all help me - so thank you in advance for the next chapter in my search for a happy forever marriage.

History - 14yr marriage destroyed by my serial cheating husband. You all pointed that out to me in my state of denial. THANK YOU! He and I are doing ok divorced now raising kids 2 miles apart in separate homes.

I have a hard time trusting again due to him. I finally fell in love with a great guy that would never commit - you all pointed that out me - you were right again. I broke that off after 2 yrs.

Now I am dating a wonderful loving trusting guy that just wants to take care of me. I never had that before. It is really nice. He wants to move our relationship to living with each other then marriage if that works out. I thought he was moving too fast - I asked him to calm down. There was something that was not right - he was too perfect. I finally found out why I had that feeling. He admitted to me that he is a cross dresser. I had to take a step back. I researched crossdressing and his reason is because he had 2 sisters that always got the attention when he was little. He was married for 21yrs but was not happy when the kids grew up and they divorced. He says he is not gay and doesn't crossdress in public and has been doing it less because he is with me and I fulfill his needs and he feels appreciated for the first time in his life. I know there is no cure for this. I am such a conservative women, but do I learn to trust and live life or run away from this too? I could see growing old happily with him but is this something that can not be overcome? All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with! He does that for me - brings me roses every week (dating over 9 months)- and without asking he takes me to my six month cancer check ups. He would move the world for me if he could. What would you do?

What would I do? Wow. Tough one. I don't have a lot of knowledge about cross-dressing, but I have read some about it. What is his goal in cross-dressing? Because he likes the material, or the fit of female garments? Does he like to dress in female street clothing, or is it just undergarments?

I have read about men who like to wear their wives' undergarments because they like the feel of the material against their skin. They are manly in every way - they just like Hanes for Her instead of regular Hanes.

How do you feel about his cross-dressing?

What would I do? I would drop him like a hot potato!! Run for your life. He is too messed up to be a keeper.


Secondly, in any future relationships, I would strongly advise you NOT to consider shacking up unless your goal is to ruin the relationship. Living together before marriage ruins relationships by bringing in a renters mentality. Check out Dr Harley's article about the curse of living together: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Raise your price, my friend, and ask yourself if you are for RENT? Any man who wants to live with you should either buy the house [marriage] or hit the road.

Personally, I would run but that's just me. First because of the cross-dressing. Call me old fashioned, unenlightened or whatever else you choose, in my circle of life a man who wants to cross-dress is abnormal and it's probably an indicator of some deeper emotional issues.

Secondly, I would run because he wanted to live together (that's a HUGE clue about the future.) I would also be worried he just wanted full-time access to my closet.

I don't know how I feel about his crossdressing. He says he likes the feel of the material. He loves when I wear nice things and he says that is all he needs. I believe his issue is a dominate female insecurity that he needs to work out and that is why I asked him to go talk with a professional about it. He agreed to talk with someone. When he was little his grandmother made special dresses for his sisters and he never got anything from her - that hurt her.

In marriage - isn't it for better or worse? I stuck it out with my first husband because I made a vow to God that I would be there for him. He cheated and used me. That has been hard to overcome. But I have and I forgave him. He has issues - but his issues would hurt me emotionally and medically. I had to get out of that for my sake and the sake of my children.

This guy isn't a bad person, he just needs to find his way. He is lost and yes that is up to him to find it. But isn't that what marriage is all about? Being there when life is good and bad.

So what you are all saying is that I should dump this guy and look for another. When I broke up with non-commit guy (which you all recommended) he came back to me and asked to marry me. I told him that it wasn't right and just because I broke up with him because he could not commit asking me now to marry is not right. I broke his heart and mine.

I guess I am lost in what is the perfect marriage. There are no perfect people out there. I am not perfect. But where is the line in finding someone that is nice enough to marry?

Can anyone say they have found the perfect person that has no issues?

But that's not really the question, justhope. The question is have YOU found the person you feel you could spend a lifetime with? If you think the answer could be 'yes' I would continue exploring your relationship with him.

I'm a firm believer that two consenting/agreeing adults can do what they want as long as it harms no one else, and cross-dressing is pretty tame when it comes to what some adults agree upon. But you sound like you're on the fence about the cross-dressing, and I think you should proceed cautiously until you're sure about your feelings on that issue.

I wouldn't move in together before marriage, though. I've known a lot of people who lived together before marriage - many of them split before they ever made it to the altar, and many others split afterwards. It's an unstable beginning that says "Let's try it and see how it works." Marriage needs a stronger foundation than that.

Totally agree maritalbliss. Thank you.

He does need to address this with a professional as I think it has deeper meaning and only a professional can help him get there. I am not ok with it. I understand it. But he does need to address it. All of the data I see shows that someone never really gets over this behavior and amazingly 1% of the population do this. I was totally shocked.

More importantly, your question about spending my life with him. I guess that is what I have been working on for a while. My #1 trait I look for in a mate to grow old with is someone who is going to be there for me. My x wasn't there for me when I went for treatments and that hurt me more than his cheating. This gentleman takes off work to take me to the doctor and is there for me every step of the way. He is a caregiver. We both like to exercise. We have all the same interests. He is fantastic with the kids. He finds me beautiful. Could I live with that for the rest of my life. Sure - that feels wonderful!

I am the one that doesn't want to get married due to my issues. I need time. He keeps wanting to talk about rings and where we would get married. I skit the topic - but I am getting better with time. I have to learn to trust again. I understand about the concern about living with someone. I just don't want to jump into marriage find out I made a mistake and give half of everything I own away ever again.

Thanks for all your help. Do you think I am on the right path?

Yes, I do. Move slowly and determine your comfort levels regarding this man.

I wonder about this, though:
This is telling me that you think he is emotionally damaged in some way. Do you believe that?

justhope, there's some reading material here that you might find helpful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=31

Do I think he is emotionally damaged? Yes. I think he is insecure with himself due to this lack of attention vs his sisters growing up. We have talked it and he agrees. He married a very dominate women that did not help him either. He now realizes that.

Personally aren't we all emotionally damaged due to life? I had the "perfect" life until I found out about my x. Everything exploded in my world. I guess I was in denial. I work really hard to heal and figure out what happened and how I can work on myself to correct my fears and faults.

I believe that if a person does not do emotional work on themselves then that is the biggest red flag of all when it comes to picking a mate. We all have to constantly work on ourselves to grow. My x didn't think there was anything wrong with him. Some of us are just to scared to look within. Denial is a wonderful thing for him.

I know this guy is willing to work on himself. I guess we have to see if he is willing to look from within. Thanks for your help.

Thank you so much. Wonderful info.

Justhope,

Tell him to slow down, he sounds a bit desperate.

I used to know a couple where the husband cross dressed. The wife seem OK with it, but they had firm lines that could not be crossed.

• The wife never wanted to see the husband cross dressed
• Cross dressing could not take place in the home
• The wife's clothing and jewelry were off limits

She described this as her husbands 'hobby'. He knew that if he crossed these lines she would kick him out of the house. This situation worked for them because they loved and respected each other.

The reason you probably had a sense that something was not right was because your bf has a secret second life and was hiding something from you. Since you felt he was ""too perfect" I can't help but to wonder if he is hiding other thoughts, feelings, etc from you and only telling you what you want to hear. That's basically what my WH did and I think that's not uncommon for someone with a SSL.



I don't think Dr Harley would be on board with this plan because it involves keeping a part of one's life private from the other. Look at the below:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3803_honesty.html

Sorry you are going through this!

Cypress. Thanks. He is a little desperate. I think that is his insecurities. He has had 3 girlfriends since his divorce and I think he is feeling like no one will accept him for who he is. He is nice looking, professional, a gentleman, has a good job, and in shape. He is geeky. I deal with people all day and I have my eyes wide open on who he is. The special quality I like in him is his thoughtfulness. Amazing and I have never met anyone like that before. He would do anything for anyone if they needed help.

I like the rules. I will implement them. I hope in time he gets through that "hobby" but all of the research I did shows that they never do.

I keep telling him to slow down. I just have to keep doing that. I just want to enjoy the relationship and let it grow.

Thanks SusieQ. I do agree to no secrets. That I learned from my x and his second life. He totally had a second life that I found out about. It crushed me to my core. I am still healing.

I don't think this would be a secret. I would want to understand and he has asked if I ever want to know anything he would share. I am the one that really can't share in this. I think I hurt his feelings when I said I didn't want to know. In time, I think I will handle it better. Time will tell if there is anything else - that is why I am going slow and I am hypervigilant due to my former marriage experience. I will never let secrets happen again!

justhope, dating is supposed to be a job interview for marriage just like any other job interview. Of course no one is perfect, but this is the time when you discriminate and rule out any bad candidates.

I would suggest that any grown man who acts a certain way because his mommy did not give him enough attention has serious emotional problems. This is a man who has not successfully adjusted to adult life. He is someone who does not take accountability for his big boy, adult choices. [a common trait of those who fill our prisons, btw] Any man who puts on ladies panties because his mommy did not give him enough attention is just a kook. I am sure he might be a nice fella, but he is clearly not stable.

Your past marriage was very unstable, so why so sign up for another unstable marriage? The fact that he acts out because of his mommy in this area is an indicator he does it in other areas too. That is more than a crossdresser problem, that is a serious maturity issue.

You have been through holy hell in the past. I would hope you would use the BEST judgement in choosing new partner. Be selective. Choose someone who is well adjusted and does not behave like a fool in private. There are lots of nice, well adjusted men out there who are not silly and who are not stuck in their childhood. You don't need the problems of a man who has never taken accountability for his own silly choices. You deserve so much better!

I am sure that you can find a man who is more in line with your idealistic expectations. Don't settle for less. You should end this relationship now.

Sorry to see such judgemental attitudes here.

So what if he likes to cross dress, he ticks all the other boxes, not too sure why enjoying wearing nice fabrics and enjoying the feel of these is a big deal. He doesn't dress in public, it's a private thing, so why not enjoy sharing things, ideas, shopping trips......a man who likes to shop is a rare and wonderful thing.

Hope you have said several times that he is kind and thoughtful, he has been open and honest.

Try looking at the positives and stop with all the judgements.

One of my close friends is a gay man who dresses occasionally, it's fun and he is great at helping women look at clothes and what suits them. I have other friends in the LGBT community, who don't cross dress ...... sorry it just isn't that big a deal to me.

If it's big deal, a deal breaker......fine if it's not, then I don't see the harm.

Strikes me that for this man the dressing is sensual rather than sexual. A sensual man........what a lovely thing.

I would find out if he becomes anxious if he goes too long without wearing women's clothing.
Ask him what is the longest he's gone without doing that behavior within the last 5 years? The last 10 years?
That would mean it is a compulsion, not a choice.
And, that would mean it never can be POJA'd , should you marry him.

Rule of thumb:

If there is a compulsive behavior in a prospective partner they will continue that behavior.
A compulsion will probably increase in frequency over time.

If it is a compulsion, there will be no POJA.

Another rule of thumb:
If you want a doberman, don't purchase a poodle.

It might be a fact that dressing in women's clothing is one of his favorite, most pleasurable recreational activities.
If it is not your favorite also, this will create conflict, eventually.