Wow! So today I got an auto-deposit from my husband's work place... he has figured out some way to put that straight in there, and he did it all on his own. This improves my view of him considerably.... I didn't realize how important finances were to me. Maybe he started to feel guilty or something.

I think this is a great sign. It is an action in the right direction - which is great!!!

Suggestions on how to tighten up Plan B?

Well you already know my thoughts on drop offs.

Also, when you send the kids with him do you pack them bags?

What types of things are being sent through the I.M.? Is there anything that really doesn't need to be sent? Like perhaps reminders about things?

Remember that when it is your time to have your children, it is your responsibility to find day care for them well he has the same responsibility.

On a couple of occasions I wasn't going to be there for drop of, so I had to call a family member or friend and ask them to be there for me.

When my WH was unable to take the boys because he was having surgery, I had to miss a dfay of work and I made him pay for the missed day of work.

We aren't a team anymore. We are separate people who happen to both be parents of the same 2 children.

What things can you think of? Remember it's all about YOUR mindset not HIS.

Now that my in laws have been on vacation, I think there shouldn't be any incidental contact there. However, when he drops them at my house at the end of visitation it has been a real problem. The smaller kids simply refuse to come into the house and I frequently have to go out and get them or he carries them to the door to get them in.


No/yes. He had to buy his own diapers, wipes, and a set of clothes for accidents (incidently, I believe his MOM bought all of that for him because she mentioned it once but whatever)... however my middle two frequently have accidents and come home in the exra clothes so then I have to send them back the next time.



Only about that stupid car insurance issue because he is costing me money, once that is separated I don't think there is anything. He can ruin his credit for all I care as long as he doesn't touch mine.



In regards to your post on that tangent thread, I believe I a building a life that doesn't have him in it, doesn't require him, and where I am not dependent on him for anything. My life has dramatically changed since he left in April. I have gone from being a homeschooling stay at home mom, to a full time college student with kids in daycare and school (soon). I had an interview for a part time job (not sure if I got it yet) this week and everything is just very different. We used to stay up late, sleep in late (because my husband works nights) and now the kids and I sleep early and get up early... I think my recovery is going pretty well ... however I still recognize it would be a lot simpler to reconcile than to find another guy and need to do the stepparents thing, etc. The old husband must be under there somewhere. For now, I move forward with a life that doesn't need him in it... I actually think I have more to offer him than he has to offer me from a practical standpoint. I still pray for him, I still love him (don't know why), I wish he would come back... but I guess time will keep working on those things. Overall I am feeling happier and more in control of my own life. And being a nurse is a good fit for me, I think, and then I can make the decision to either go back to homeschooling (while being a nurse) or pay for all my kids in the private school my sister went to.... it is a good school. Money will give me options.

The text message may have been the biggest breach for a while, but even when there is no direct C, there can be enough information to damage you that still gets through.

Really brainstorm how to get rid of the paper cuts. They may seem small at first, but they keep things all stirred up. One hurts quite a bit, two hurts terribly, and when you keep getting them day after day, the pain never stops.

As to the specific problem you mentioned with the little kids, do your absolute best to have someone else there to handle that for you. I completely understand having little kids that don't stick to the script, where an older child would respond to explanations or discipline.

If you have truly tried your best to cover each p/u and d/o with another person, and no one including your hairdresser or postal lady can make it, treat it as an unavoidable meeting like a court date. Look nice, don't be snotty but don't be friendly, that sort of thing.

That's your last-ditch plan, though. It isn't good for you, and has a high risk of prolonging the A, if he can get such a good fix of you. He might even try to set things up so the littles are naughty and you have to come deal with them. It's so much better to have someone on your team to be a buffer.

You already know what to do about the messages and IM problems, so other than the above, most of the battle will be in your own mind. Redirect your thoughts away from him, and onto positive subjects. Even when you pray for him, keep your focus on the good things. "Lord, forgive my WH and help him to be loving and kind, a good father, a righteous husband..." etc., rather than, "Lord, please help my WH to stop being so horrible, to quit committing adultery, and to stop abandoning his family."

You're strong, even stronger than you think. You can do this!

Yes. I want it all to end. I sometimes finding myself wishing he would get in an unfortunate accident so this would all be over.


I don't speak to him when it happens. I may just have to see if I can pick up the kids at my in laws house. I got tired of doing that, but at least I didn't have to see him then.


I don't understand why just catching a visual of me prolongs the affair?

It's because it can fill an EN for him and he gets a rush, like a tiny hit, by seeing you. He feels OH SO GOOD. He KNOWS you are still there. Just don't do it, k?

That's interesting. So you don't think this hit is a good thing, when he looks at me and thinks, wow she looks good and OW is overweight etc? I look much much better than the OW. I am not saying I am trying to get him to see me, but when I have had to get a kid from the front yard I an consoled myself thinking, well he can look at what he doesn't have because of his stupid choices. Let him think about that.

I am all registered for full time college classes this fall, and I got a student job in the library at the college too.... not too many hours, low paying, but it will get me back into the workforce (I haven't worked in 7 years) and hopefully supplement what I get at the court date on August 11. Also because it is a school library it will have major holidays closed which will be nice for the kids.

I have my oldest set up for school in a couple weeks and my others will continue at the same preschool/day care.

So things are going pretty well.... I STILL wonder what is going on in affairland though. I wonder if he is happy, or if things are cracking at all. I want my kid's daddy back in the house.

No it isn't good for him to see you. If it was good for your WH to see you then why would DrH suggest otherwise? It is a main part of Plan B and there is a reason for it.

Also, whenever you see him or hear about him it makes you think about him too much and you need to stop that.

Heck "I" look better than OW, and I ALWAYS have but it wasn't about looks so how is him looking at me now gonna make him want to come back? It wouldn't so I don't do it. Also, it is unattractive to a man to be chased by a woman and to be showing yourself as too available to him, or even waiting for him is going to make him stay away even longer.

Live your life as if he wasn't going to come home, ever(with exception to dating that is still off of the table at least until you are divorced). If it helps think of him as dead. In a lot of ways he is.

Mehr,

I just want to say that you have accomplished a lot for yourself in recent weeks, despite being in what is probably the worst trauma of your life. Kudos for getting yourself back into school AND getting a part-time job AND ensuring that your FOUR young children have as much stability as possible at home, school and daycare. That takes a lot of personal strength when you are under so much stress.

Live YOUR life. Don't worry about his. It will come apart at the seams before long, and you will feel more and more empowered as you accomplish your own goals.

I thought it was to protect me.

Maybe I should have put "?" instead of "." ... I just wasn't worried about it for that reason.... but I will see how I can manage this otherwise. Maybe the cold weather will have the kids running into the house ... but until then... I don't know??

I agree. You aren't doing everything perfectly, BUT you are doing a lot very well.

Also, Scottie's advice to think of him as dead is great. I did that with my XH during the darkest hours and it really does help.

It is mainly to protect you BUT it is also to make your WH see what life will be like without you. If he sees you he is getting his ENs met on some level even if it is small.

Okay, lemme see if I can clear this up

DO NOT LET YOUR WH SEE YOU.

There. Done.

Also DON'T SEE YOUR WH.

NO CONTACT.

Can I ask you something. I suppose I just did. Anyways, do you believe that if a WS gives up their A, but still SEE their AP on occasion, just at drop offs/etc, that THAT would be okay?

It took me forever to realize that it wasn't about how my FWH's xow looked compared to me, it was how she made him feel. The x-o-skank in our case was a real dog, over-weight, uneducated and really pitiful. I am very attractive, in-shape, educated, clean, high morals. Looks have absolutely nothing to do with their attraction to the OW. The OW was meeting my FWH's need to have a doormat who would do anything he told her and not question him. After D-Day he told me that the XOW had the nerve to ask him why he didn't tell her that we had moved our home to another location and he told her not to ask him about his life (what???). I can't believe what the OW settle for just to have any little piece of a MM. Makes me want to !

So it's not about her looks, the ow is meeting your DH's top needs. He sees her in an entirely different light than you. The OW filled in that gap in your M or your DH and will kill herself trying to meet your WH's needs. As hard as it may be for you, look past what the OW looks like and try to figure out what she is giving your DH that was missing in your M.

Good for you for returning to school.

Thank you...

I already know how she snuck in there, but its too late for me knowing to make any difference. All I can do is "let go" and wait.

Nope Mehr, what you need to do is "Let go and LIVE."

How long do you plan on staying in Plan B?