So this is my first post and rather than spend hours constructing the perfect message I'm just going to do it otherwise I'm afraid I'll never get it out there and therefore won't get your help. I am desperate to end the affair I am having with a customer I see at work. And when I say desperate I mean that I have even had suicidal feelings because I don't feel that I have the strength to end it and I can't go on...although I would not do that because I have a beautiful 5 year old who needs me. It has gone on at some level for over 2 years and is physical and emotional and I am completely obsessed with him. I am sitting here not even getting in the shower to get my day started, just in case he calls during his work break - and if he doesn't call I will obsess about whether he really wants me to call, although he acts annoyed when I do. He is not healthy for me and would never be a good partner, he even admits to a violent side with women and goes from one day acting lovingly toward me and wanting sex to the next day talking degradingly to me and pushing me away saying that I annoy him so much he could hit me. But I am so desperate for any attention I will even take this abuse and use of my soul and body. He will take me out to dinner but won't even let me in his house to use the restroom saying that I need to go behind the shed. He says I have it good with him getting to go to dinner but he tells me what to drink, gets mad if I have gum in my mouth and if I put ketchup on my burger and I am so mad at myself for letting this be. On the other hand, I have told him many untruths about my husband so that he feels sorry for me because I really have a tough time just having people accept me for who I am. My husband is a very good man but is completely emotionally unavailable to me and at this point everything he does (or doesn't do) just sets me off. Please help me with a first step. Tomorrow I will see the other man at work and am both excited to get away from my life at home and get attention even if negative, but also upset to see him because I will have a good two days with him and then suffer the rest of week waiting for him to call.
And while I may be able to hold off on calling him today and think of that as a step in the right direction, I will fall right back in to the pattern tomorrow. Sorry for the long post just please offer me some help.

1. Tell your husband TODAY

2. Quit your job

Those are the first steps, if you are really serious.

And please start using paragraphs. That is very hard for people to read.

So this is my first post and rather than spend hours constructing the perfect message I'm just going to do it otherwise I'm afraid I'll never get it out there and therefore won't get your help.

I am desperate to end the affair I am having with a customer I see at work. And when I say desperate I mean that I have even had suicidal feelings because I don't feel that I have the strength to end it and I can't go on...although I would not do that because I have a beautiful 5 year old who needs me.

It has gone on at some level for over 2 years and is physical and emotional and I am completely obsessed with him. I am sitting here not even getting in the shower to get my day started, just in case he calls during his work break - and if he doesn't call I will obsess about whether he really wants me to call, although he acts annoyed when I do. He is not healthy for me and would never be a good partner, he even admits to a violent side with women and goes from one day acting lovingly toward me and wanting sex to the next day talking degradingly to me and pushing me away saying that I annoy him so much he could hit me. But I am so desperate for any attention I will even take this abuse and use of my soul and body.

He will take me out to dinner but won't even let me in his house to use the restroom saying that I need to go behind the shed. He says I have it good with him getting to go to dinner but he tells me what to drink, gets mad if I have gum in my mouth and if I put ketchup on my burger and I am so mad at myself for letting this be. On the other hand, I have told him many untruths about my husband so that he feels sorry for me because I really have a tough time just having people accept me for who I am.

My husband is a very good man but is completely emotionally unavailable to me and at this point everything he does (or doesn't do) just sets me off. Please help me with a first step. Tomorrow I will see the other man at work and am both excited to get away from my life at home and get attention even if negative, but also upset to see him because I will have a good two days with him and then suffer the rest of week waiting for him to call.


And while I may be able to hold off on calling him today and think of that as a step in the right direction, I will fall right back in to the pattern tomorrow. Sorry for the long post just please offer me some help.


Paras to help out!!

Ditto what ML said, and then end it with this guy......today, write a NC letter there are lots of examples on the site.

You clearly have very low self esteem in that you are choosing to spend time with a man who is abusing you. You have a child, a husband who currently is in the dark.

Does he know you feel he is emotionally unavailable to you? Talk to him, after you tell him about your other man.

Then read lots here, expect some 2x4's from the vets but listen to them.

I don't offer advice, I do the feelings stuff, but there are lots of folk here who can and will help if you listen.

You are high on the addictive aspects of this and you know he's not a good drug......dump it........now

Just wanted to point out that a person in an affair is always emotionally unavailable. That is a symptom of an affair. SHE is emotionally unavailable to her husband.

When you do tell him about the affair, I would urge you to NOT bring up any grievances you have about your marriage. That is blameshifting and your husband will recognize it as such. There is NO excuse for an affair.

thanks for the paragraphs, Tanam!

Thank you all for your replies. I notice that each of you say that I must tell my spouse of the affair and that that is the only way to move beyond this, but I keep thinking that I can end it by myself and then work on my marriage without disclosing this to my husband. I may just want to avoid the pain of telling him, but I am also really scared of two things - that he may decide that he doesn't want to try to make it work and that it will hurt him so badly that I fear that he won't be able to deal with it. Can you please help me understand why each of you says that this is the only way?

Because your marriage cannot recover based on a lie. Of course you can't "work on a marriage" if your partner is ignorant of the real problem and you are actively deceiving and defrauding him.

And secondly, it is manipulative and cruel to try and trick someone into staying married to you based on a lie. Like you said, he may decide he doesn't want to make it work and leave the marriage. You have no right to deny him that choice about his life. That is his choice to make, not yours. This is information about his life that he has a RIGHT to know. You have no right to withhold facts about his life from him.

That is fraud to trick him into staying married to you. A vicious, dangerous act.

A marriage cannot be recovered based on a lie. The lie leads to a superficiality that prevents intimacy. It doesn't matter what each of us says, what matters is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says.

Just wanted to point out that you are the least qualified person to decide what is best for him. You are dangerous to him and as such, are not qualified to decide what he can or can't deal with. He needs to know so he can protect himself and your children from you.

Sometimes my memeory is so so.

I think I remember reading that most marriages do not end because of an affair.

How well they recover is due to what is done post affair.

I'm sad that you are the second WW to land here on the boards in the last few days who has the same desire to keep their A a secret. If you truly want to end your A and recover your M, then you need to do it the right way. Violette is the other poster here who has gotten much advice in the last few days. I strongly recommend you read her thread and the advice there, if you think it is a good idea to try and recover your marriage while keeping your A a secret.

Violette's Thread

If your M ends it is not b/c you told the truth, it is b/c of your actions - your affair. The truth is not what is bad, it is the affair, the lies, and betrayal. You are disrespectfully judging your BH by withholding the truth from him. Who are you to decide he can't handle it? The truth will set you both free. Maybe "free" will be the freedom to rebuild an amazing marriage together, or maybe "free" will be to set him free from a marriage with someone who has the capacity to be unfaithful. That is HIS CHOICE to make. My BH chose the latter option, but the reason he left was b/c of my affair and all the lies I told, not the truth.

Or be the kind of woman who not only would cheat on him, but would trick him into remaining married to you. Your call.

You're right - I've seen Melody quote Dr. H often with the above - he says that most marriages do not end after an A, but limp along in a crippled version of the pre-A marriage...unless a proper plan for ending the A and marital recovery is put into place.

melody jr

You have a choice, you can continue behaving as a common street ho as you are now (lying to your h, saying whatever you want like "i love you" and taking his money and stealing assets while skanking around on the side) or you can WOMAN UP and end this charade.

You are addicted to a man who is evil, a moral degenerate, and furthemore, he would NEVER be a decent parent to your child. You would RISK EVERYTHING to be with a man who sounds like he is perverted and could ENDANGER THAT PRECIOUS CHILD? What kind of mother does THAT? I'll tell you...A MOTHER WHO LOSES CUSTODY, that's who.

Any man who would sleep with a married woman is a skank ho himself. I mean it is NOT RESPECTFUL and is dishonoring to do that to you and with you.

Is he married? Sounds like it. And he has you trained, just like a dog or a seal or dolphin to do tricks for him. HOW ROMANTIC (geez could my eyes roll any more?) huh? THAT'S YOUR PRINCE. he doesn't do a damn thing for you except endanger your family and if you left for this "prince" he would ENDANGER your child as he sounds one degree off from being a sexual predator.

MB is a program that can help you heal your marriage. But you must first do what IS required, which is to STOP being a cheap, tawdry, low-rent ho version of your former self. End it with the OM and if he is married you must EXPOSE to not only your husband, but to your coworkers' wife as well, and any friends and family.

YOUR husband DESERVES to know YOU PUT HIS HEALTH AND LIFE AT RISK. This guy sounds like a real pervert so how do you know you don't have an STD? Do you? Have you been screened? Do you NOT think your husband deserves to know that?

HOW DARE YOU withold this from your husband. Of course he deserves to 100 percent know where he stands with you and what the reality of the situation of his life has been the last two years. If he STAYS MARRIED OR GOES AND DIVORCES YOU IS HIS PEROGATIVE. How dare you ASSume anything about HIS life or what is best for him.

What definitely IS NOT BEST FOR HIM is to have his wife skanking around, putting his money, assets, and HEALTH and life of his daughter at risk because his wife isn't a grown up woman enough to keep her skirts down and her pants up and behave like a proper wife or mother should.

You know, you might have a wonderful marriage if you put all that energy you put into waiting for the mangina's calls, all the anticipation, etc. If you put 1/10th of that energy into your marriage, you might get a positive payback, should you take the MB APPROACH.

But there is no denying what you must do.

and realize this...IF AND WHEN (trust me, we always do find out and I found out too by accident because waywards like you simply don't behave rationally or intelligently when you're being led around by your crotches instead of your brains)your betrayed husband finds out, IT WILL BE 100 TIMES WORSE than if you come to him with heart in hand, and repentance, and are honest with him and commit to building your marriage AGAIN from the ground up.

So what's it gonna be?

Continue behaving as a common street "worker" deceiving your husband and putting the health and welfare of your husband and daughter at risk, and living your life as a trained dog, waiting for the phone to ring so you can plan the next deviant sexual tryst with this scoundrel and stab your husband further into the back, maybe twisting the knife a little more the next time?

You want THAT LIFE? Do you? Do you realize WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER one day will think about you if you do not change? She will be forever disgusted by the behavior of her own mother. And mark my word, if this goes way too far, your husband will have a slam dunk in court and you'll lose custody if you try to integrate a PERVERTED INTRUDER into your life with your daughter as a single woman.

silly man! you can't be Melody, Jr unless you use Aquanet!

lol Mel, we used to call it 'round these parts Butterbean Queen hair...alas, my Butterbean Queen hair days ended when I started ironing my hair into submission in college.

I believe you after hearing that wonderful southern accent on the radio show! Long live the south!!

Arugula,

You MUST end your affair and you MUST come clean to your husband.

It really is just that simple. You start to FEEL better by DOING better.