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Joined: Aug 2011
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Hello everyone,

I came to this forum in need to cry out for help. This is a long, and disgusting thing that happened, so I thank anyone who has the patience to read everything. All responses and advice are much appreciated. On April 27th, 2010 my wife and I lost our third child Emily Grace 6 months old to SIDS. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Within a month after her passing away, my wife became very distant from me. I tried my hardest to keep the marriage together, and to continue showing my love and support for her, and my other two children. As time went by, she stopped going to therapy counselling with me, there was no sex for almost six months. I became very suspicious of her actions, and on April 12th, 2011 I reached out to her cousins husband on facebook about my worries and concerns. I knew that if something was going on, she definitely opened up to her cousin. He had told me to call him, and he admitted that yes, she cheated and had an affair with my sons assistant hockey coach. To this day, I know that they were talking on the phone almost daily for hours while I went back to work after the lose of a child. And the pattern of phone calls continued until January of 2011. Almost a year. She admitted that he was having problems with his wife because she has a drug issue, and that he used the parents call list from hockey to reach out to her. I know alot about what happened, but I feel as if I cannot move on to this day, because my mind tells me theres more. She swears they had sex twice, and that this mans penis was pathetic and roughly about 2-3". Does that make it any better, well it sure calms the fantasies in my mind down, but still doesnt make it right. I feel as if thats a lie. Fourteen minutes after I received the call at work that our daughter stopped breathing, she called this man. Three times later that night of the death when i was asleep she called him back. To me this man was that important to you, that you had to reach out to him. Theres no way it was only twice. She swears by it. I have a hard time believing that for almost two months before her death you too were just friends and talked alot on facebook and the phone. She wants the amrriage to work, swears she loves me and is inlove with me. That was she did was wrong, disgusting, but I feel as if I've been told what she wants me to know, and thats it. But my mind says that she hasnt been honest with me. That she wants to forget about it, and move on. I myself wish it would just go away. I always say, how the hell did you have a fundraiser in October of 2010 for that baby knowing what the hell you did. We are having another one this year, but I feel as if this is the last fundraiser, that its time to let her go. The affair has taking over my mind, and the lose of a child in some ways, because the woman I loved bailed on me, and left me to cry and mourn on my own, while another married man was doing my job as a husband. I feel like how can you sit here and tell me you mourned the lose of that child, when all you thought about were your own feelings. You even disconnected yourself from your other two children. In September of 2010 the affair supposedly ended, but they continued to talk daily until January of 2011. She swears that they thought they could just be friends at that point, and eventually the conversations grew distant and eventually stopped. Everytime I drink on the weekends I have to admit, the alcohol intensifies the thought process and makes me wonder is there more. Today she left, threatend to get a restraining order on me. That tells me, you hiding something. I never went after her, just told her my doubts and said i dont believe everything she has told me. That this affair went on for way too long, to tell me it was just twice. What married man, is going to risk getting caught by his wife, only to have had sex with my wife twice within five and ahalf/ to six months. Your thoughts !!! I feel as if I need every detail to regain trust and have piece of mind with this woman I love so dearly. But the fact that you threatened me to have a restraining order put against me, tells me there is more. My mind would not keep telling me this if there wasnt. I want the marriage to work, but i need to know every detail to continue. How do I deal with this ? Thank you for your time

Jim

Last edited by jimmie1974; 08/13/11 05:14 PM.
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*** Broken up so I can read it ***

Hello everyone,

I came to this forum in need to cry out for help. This is a long, and disgusting thing that happened, so I thank anyone who has the patience to read everything.

All responses and advice are much appreciated. On April 27th, 2010 my wife and I lost our third child Emily Grace 6 months old to SIDS. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Within a month after her passing away, my wife became very distant from me.

I tried my hardest to keep the marriage together, and to continue showing my love and support for her, and my other two children. As time went by, she stopped going to therapy counselling with me, there was no sex for almost six months. I became very suspicious of her actions, and on April 12th, 2011 I reached out to her cousins husband on facebook about my worries and concerns.

I knew that if something was going on, she definitely opened up to her cousin. He had told me to call him, and he admitted that yes, she cheated and had an affair with my sons assistant hockey coach.

To this day, I know that they were talking on the phone almost daily for hours while I went back to work after the lose of a child. And the pattern of phone calls continued until January of 2011. Almost a year. She admitted that he was having problems with his wife because she has a drug issue, and that he used the parents call list from hockey to reach out to her. I know alot about what happened, but I feel as if I cannot move on to this day, because my mind tells me theres more. She swears they had sex twice, and that this mans penis was pathetic and roughly about 2-3".

Does that make it any better, well it sure calms the fantasies in my mind down, but still doesnt make it right. I feel as if thats a lie. Fourteen minutes after I received the call at work that our daughter stopped breathing, she called this man. Three times later that night of the death when i was asleep she called him back. To me this man was that important to you, that you had to reach out to him. Theres no way it was only twice. She swears by it. I have a hard time believing that for almost two months before her death you too were just friends and talked alot on facebook and the phone.

She wants the amrriage to work, swears she loves me and is inlove with me. That was she did was wrong, disgusting, but I feel as if I've been told what she wants me to know, and thats it. But my mind says that she hasnt been honest with me. That she wants to forget about it, and move on. I myself wish it would just go away. I always say, how the hell did you have a fundraiser in October of 2010 for that baby knowing what the hell you did. We are having another one this year, but I feel as if this is the last fundraiser, that its time to let her go. The affair has taking over my mind, and the lose of a child in some ways, because the woman I loved bailed on me, and left me to cry and mourn on my own, while another married man was doing my job as a husband.

I feel like how can you sit here and tell me you mourned the lose of that child, when all you thought about were your own feelings. You even disconnected yourself from your other two children. In September of 2010 the affair supposedly ended, but they continued to talk daily until January of 2011.

She swears that they thought they could just be friends at that point, and eventually the conversations grew distant and eventually stopped. Everytime I drink on the weekends I have to admit, the alcohol intensifies the thought process and makes me wonder is there more.

Today she left, threatend to get a restraining order on me. That tells me, you hiding something. I never went after her, just told her my doubts and said i dont believe everything she has told me. That this affair went on for way too long, to tell me it was just twice. What married man, is going to risk getting caught by his wife, only to have had sex with my wife twice within five and ahalf/ to six months.

Your thoughts !!! I feel as if I need every detail to regain trust and have piece of mind with this woman I love so dearly. But the fact that you threatened me to have a restraining order put against me, tells me there is more. My mind would not keep telling me this if there wasnt. I want the marriage to work, but i need to know every detail to continue. How do I deal with this ? Thank you for your time

Jim

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Jimmie,

I am sorry your are here brother, but if you have to be somewhere in this situation, this is the place to be.

Your wife says she wants to work on the marriage, right?

First step is NO (zip zero nada) contact with the other man.

the second thing you need to do is expose the affair to your family, her family and the other man's family. It needs to be done all at once. This ensures there is no further contact.

The third (and understand this clearly) thing you need to know is that this is NOT your fault. Her affair is 100% her fault and no one else's. Do not let her or anyone else tell you otherwise

Do your kids know what happened? How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married?

CV


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
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i've already contacted him, his wife and both sides of our family know. Yes my children know, because when i wanted the call history she called 911 back in April. I've had it now, and see everything that went on. I am 36, she is 35. We've been married for 9 years. People say this may be the best thing that happened to us, as hard as that is to swallow. I guess the constant pounding her mind wanting answers pushed her away today and she decided that I need time to decide what i want. But to threaten a restraining order, that tells me your hiding something.

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now we do have hockey in another month. my son no longer plays with this coach, but him and his family and kids will be there. I feel as if I shouldn't go. Why should I put myself in that awkward situation that the two of you created. You take him to hockey. I literally want this man hurt, whether by me, or whether i have to pay some homeless person to do it. The lack of respect, and the fact that my child died and that didnt stop either of you completely disgust me. It was my job to give her a shoulder to cry on, not yours. But your pathetic self esteem and issues kept you from doing that. Why did he feel comfortable calling my wife from that list. There was other married couples on that list. Why my wife. Why when you knew we were married with three children, and then lost one, did you feel as if your problem was something to be said about to my wife. I hate it, i hate the thought process, the images in my [censored] mind, and the fact that my little girl died and the two of you did this, drives some major anger issues within my brain.

Last edited by jimmie1974; 08/13/11 06:05 PM.
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If your wife has made threats to get a restraining order, now is the time to start carrying a recording device on your person and activate it whenever you are with her.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Hello,

Your analysis seems reasonable. Why not have her take a polygraph? My guess is that she will never do it but it seems that this may be the only way for you to know. Good luck.

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she said that. but i still am not convinced

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Originally Posted by jimmie1974
now we do have hockey in another month. my son no longer plays with this coach, but him and his family and kids will be there. I feel as if I shouldn't go. Why should I put myself in that awkward situation that the two of you created. You take him to hockey. I literally want this man hurt, whether by me, or whether i have to pay some homeless person to do it.

Jimmie, I didn't read this whole thing, but is your wife planning on seeing the OM at this hockey game? Because if she sees him again, recovery will be impossible. She will not withdraw that way. Recovery of your marriage is impossible if she sees the OM again, because both their feelings will be triggered. That puts her right back into the fog [most BS can tell the difference IMMEDIATELY when there has been any contact at all]

There is no hockey game that is worth your marriage. If you are serious about recovering your marriage, she should not go to any place where the OM is going to be.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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i said that, but she feels as if its unfair to our son to play at another location. it will just intensify the anger with me, and the look of disgust will reappear. I agree, she shouldn't be there, but then again neither should i. So what, he wins.... his kid aint going stop playing there. My counselor says what more do you wanna know, you know enough. Thats not good enough for me. We lost a child and the fact that you checked out of the marriage before she was gone, isnt exceptable to me. there was something there that kept you coming back. An emotionable exskape yes, but for 10 months, no way

Last edited by jimmie1974; 08/13/11 08:12 PM.
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Ok, I am up to speed now. The most glaring problem I see here is that your wife still sees the OM, so she remains in the fog. Not only that, but your son being in hockey keeps you BOTH triggered. It is in your son's best interest, your best interest and HER best interest for him to quit hockey. You ALL need to get away from that so you can begin to heal.

And don't tell me the sport is more important than your marriage because it is not. The most important thing to your boy is for his parents to have an intact marriage. That means he quits the sport that triggers his parents and puts them in proxomity with this RATLOSER of an OM. Your son won't remember some missed hockey games when he grows up, but he will sure as hell remember that his parents got divorced over this continued contact.

The second thing is that you and your wife DESPERATELY need marriage coaching and a sane plan to get your marriage back. I would strongly encourage you to counsel with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders. The reason is because he is not anything like traditional marriage counselors in that a) he actually knows how to save marriages, UNLIKE TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE COUNSELORS WHO HAVE AN 84% FAILURE RATE, and b) he won't waste your time with a pack of psychobabble.

He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN to restore the romance in your marriage. If you follow his steps you will notice a huge difference in about 8 weeks. He is very effective and gets right down to business.

Lastly, you have to stop fighting with your wife. Just stop it or you are going to lose your marriage. I understand your PAIN, but pushing her to the point where she wants a restraining order is making this worse. Put down the weapons for now and let us help you work this out.

I want to tell you how sorry I am that your child died. You are dealing with a double tragedy. I have been in your very shoes and have to say that my XH's affair was just as horrible as the death of my son. But you can get through this if you will let us help you. You are in the right place.

But the first step has to be to get this OM out of your life COMPLETELY. GEt your kid out of hockey. Change schools if you have to. But if you want your marriage to make it, you have to get away from this scumbag.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jimmie1974
i said that, but she feels as if its unfair to our son to play at another location.

DIVORCE is more unfair. This is not even negotiable, my friend. Your marriage won't recover this way. Just look at how triggered you both are about this upcoming event? Recovery is impossible.

There is no sport that is worth your marriage and your child's family. So, get him out of there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am posting a radio clip between Dr Harley and another betrayed husband who called wondering his marriage would not recover after his wife's affair. Dr Harley told him "it is HOPELESS" unless she ends all contact for life. In the 10 years I have been here, I have never known of a marriage that recovered while the affairees still saw each other occasionally. NEVER. But I have seen untold affairs that turned into long term affairs [many ending in divorce] where they ignored the no contact issue.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

and here is a man who lived close by his OW and the couple is now getting a divorce becuase of the off again, on again divorce:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

This is HOPELESS unless she ends all contact for life. Even if you have to put your child in another school. Hockey is most certainly not worth it.

You have already suffered the death of a child and your wife's affair. Are you going for the Triple Crown with a divorce, my friend? I will tell you from personal experience, it is hell and you should avoid it all costs. Your surviving children need an intact family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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