Hey everyone. I found this wonderful site and forum two days ago, and decided to ask for help with my situation.

D-day for me was May 5th of this year. I was totally blind-sided to find out that I had a WW. We have been together for over 10 years now and married just over 1 year. When I first found out from her emails that she was having an affair, I asked how long it had been going on. She told me 'since before December'. Later I found archived text messages from early 2010, so I asked her again, and she said they had been together on and off since we broke up for a few months back in 2008. It took her about 2 weeks to stop calling or texting OM, but I caught her using a new email account to contact him after she said she would stop contacting him.

We have a daughter together that is almost 9 months, and although I know she is mine, they were together at times during the pregnancy. WW has also tried to hide the fact that she let a relative borrow $300 in July from an account that she was supposed to stop direct deposit back in April. We have read many of the articles on the main site, and we recognize that WW is a child that learned about infidelity and lying from her mother.

I'm 3 months in since D-Day, we've had several angry outbursts, and I can't get her to sincerely promise that she won't cheat again because she is afraid she won't be able to keep the promise. I love her very much and want to keep my family together, but it looks grim. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

welcome to mb...

I doubt it's that she can't promise to never cheat again (with some other dude) but that it's she can't promise "no contact" with THIS other man that she's still in an affair with (in her mind or in actuality).

Have you read the basic concepts? What about the thread "for newly betrayed spouses" on the Notable Posts forum:

link - For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Is your snooping in order to inspect what you expect? You shouldn't be trusting her so if she's still getting upset with you for spying on her it's likely she's still hiding things...things that are much more easy to discover than to get a lying wayward wife to admit.


We can help you with a plan.

Mr. Wondering

CB, do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

If your wife is serious about recovery, she will need to commit to taking extraordinary precautions to avoid having another affair. The two of you will need to change the circumstances that led to the affair, and she will need to commit to complete transparency to you. Did she work with the other man? If so, does she still work with him? Recovery cannot happen if there is contact of any kind, even if the contact is kept "professional."

Here is a good thread to read about Extraordinary Precautions:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374198#Post2374198

I would also recommend Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders based upon the following facts:

1. It appears you lived together for up to 9 years prior to marriage

2. She started "dating" OM while living with/dating you (meaning it wasn't adultery at the time, cheating...yet, but not adultery...why did she marry you and not pursue a relationship with OM...is OM married? Does his wife know?)

3. She got pregnant out wedlock

4. You got married because she was pregnant

I don't know if one of you were pushing for marriage the whole time or not but THESE choices above have consequences and is a part of the reason you've arrived here at MB under these circumstances. There's a great chance you are both renters and/or freeloaders...and the book may help you as you attempt to transform your lives, your marriage and your family.

Mr. Wondering

I read the basic concepts yesterday, and I will read the link you provided in a few minutes. She has gotten upset about me snooping because she isn't used to it. I no longer have her passwords to emails and phone records. How do I get those back?

I don't have the book, but I will look into getting it. She gets upset because she can't do the things that you used to do without me being suspicious.

She is resisting transparency. She wants a clean slate instead of telling me more about the past and things that she's hidden from me. She used to work with OM when their relationship began during our breakup, but when we got back together she never mentioned him when I asked if she dated anyone during the breakup. He lives 10-15 minutes from where she works, but she works about 45 minutes from where we live. She's a teacher, so I asked her to change to a district that is far away from his home, but she says it's unfair for me to ask her to leave where she is uncomfortable. It's so frustrating.

That won't work, chubby. Keeping secrets is what caused the problem. More of it won't help.

A crippled version of your marriage as it was, pre-affair, will not survive; it will just fall victim to more and more affairs and slowly destroy you and your children. You have got to build something better together.

I'm 28 and she is 27. We started dating right after I graduated from high school. Once she started college the next year, and our colleges were right next to each other, you can say we have lived together for about 6-7 years. We lived separately from May 2007 to February 2010.

We broke up only twice during this time for about a month in 2007, and for about 6-7 months starting July 2008. She started dating OM during this time, but continued on and off after we got back together. He is not married, but apparently he cheated on his ex. I also continue to ask why did she marry me when she says OM made her so happy. I think part of it is that I'm more stable than he is financially. He is 43 or 44, so age played a factor. She also says that I was always the one she wanted to end up with.

Yes, we conceived out of wedlock right as we moved back in together, but I proposed before we knew she was pregnant.

She had been pushing for marriage for years, and she was pushing to move back in together a month or two before we actually did. I will check this book out also to get some understanding.

I also need to be honest about my feelings. I never thought WW would do this to me. I always thought to myself that if she ever did, I would be done with it. Now when I'm faced with it, I want to stay because I love her very much, but I am so angry that she did such a thing especially when we didn't have to get married if she knew she had someone else. Part of me wants to work it out because I love her, but part of me doesn't want to be foolish any longer. I am still in love with her an very much attracted to her, but she has fallen out of love with me and is hardly attracted to me.

CB-

You gots some work to do, my friend.

Get SAA from the website.

Exposure of affair is essential. As the book says, exposure is the single most effective way to end this travesty.

Then your work begins.

Take a deep breath and follow the program.

You'll get tough love here and its only designed to keep you focused and avoid missteps.

Remember this, your wife is living in disasterous, foggy and infinitely stupid world right now. Fiddling with the lives of those you love her most for alone time with a jerk. Any man, married or not, who screws a married woman with a kid no less, is a sub-life form. Right now your wife is guilty of association with this guy.

My wife, to give you some comfort, spent at least 6 years with a deviant. The met each other needs whatever they were. She lost all those years of our marriage, screwed up our kids, and almost lost it all.

However, I got lucky, like most Affairs their "love" died years ago but weakness and fear and other things kept her with him. But, on dday she was released from all of this. And I no withdrawal or other stuff you'll may face.

You, dont have all that luck. But, get on with the program. You've lost 3 months now. Go.

If I'm reading your story correctly, your WW was cheating on your before, during and after your M, right?

In your position, I'd be looking for an anullment.

You will be surprised to discover how damaging living together before marriage has been to your relationship. Marriages that started out this way have an 85% divorce rate because of the bad habits developed by shacking up. Living together is a tentative, month to month agreement where independent behavior reigns supreme. You really need to understand this dynamic if you are going to turn this around. If I were you, I would focus on the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders FIRST and then move onto Surviving an Affair.

Dr Harley wrote this article about how damaging living together is to relationships: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Hello,

I wish you luck. It is sad that this happens during the first year of your marriage. Certainly counseling is a must. It disturbs me that she said that she will not promise you that she will not cheat again. If the roles were reversed do you think she would accept this statement from you?

Since you wish to work on your marriage you need to:
1. Get checked for STD's
2. Get a paternity test.

I wish you luck.

Well, before and during since we are still married. That is one of the things that make me want to leave it all alone. I guess I should look up the requirements for an annullment in my state.

MelodyLane, thank you for the article.

Through my snooping I know what OM looks like, and my daughter looks exactly like my mom and sister, so I can definitely say she's mine. WW had to do STD tests during and after the pregnancy and nothing was found.

I don't think your WW is serious about M, and getting your M annulled may be the best option (the other being remaining in an M that's likely to have even worse problems down the road due to lack of any real commitment).

A question though - you say that you broke up for 6 or 7 months. What caused the breakup, and why did you get back together?

We broke up because we were at different places in our lives. She had her degree, a successful career, and wanted to be married and in a home right away. I had not graduated, racked up debt and had to move in with friends and family to get ahead. Once I caught up on my bills, paid off most of my debts, and got my own apartment, she lost her job and because she likes to spend and doesn't save, she started to fall behind. Since I paid off much of my debt I helped her stay afloat as much as I could during this time even though we were broken up. We'll still saw each other and were intimate though. OM worked with her during this time and lost his job as well. She saw that I still cared for her, wanted to help her, and I was being independent so we got back together. I feel used knowing what I know now, but I don't think it was intentional.

We have a crazy history as you all can see. This is another reason why I don't know if I should save our M. There is so much dysfunction. When we first started out everything was great. After 5 years real life hit us and we started to grow into adults and change.

Check out operation investigate forum for snooping tips. If you download a keylogger on the computer you wont need her passwords.

The fact she wont give you passwords and wont promise not to cheat again is a big You need to know what you're dealing with.

You need to expose the affair as you know it to everyone who would have influence over your ww, the om and expose to your own family too. This will give you much needed support, and help stop the affair resuming or end it should it still be ongoing. (it is going on mentally for her at least. exposure and people's reactions should stop it being 'romantic' and show it up for the diseased thing it is)

Plan A her following exposure, be a wonderful person but refuse to protect her from the consequences of the affair. Tell her you exposed for the good of your marriage because you love her.

Plan B her if she refuses to commit to a full MB recovery plan.

I am so sorry you are here. I can understand that you are not even sure if you want to be with her at all and I dont blame you.

Plan A and Plan B are about setting high bars for the wayward to jump over. If they dont, they arent worth your time. If they do, you can still dump them, but you have put yourself in a position where you have options.

For me, my WH may never do well enough for me to take him back. Plan A and Plan B have however helped quelch the doubts about 'what should I do'. I know no matter what, I have done all I can and the rest is up to him. I will either get a great marriage or avoid a false recovery.

Quelching the doubts slows down the rollercoaster of emotions.

Make sure you eat and sleep. They are priority number 1 and 2 each day.

Dont let her know you are snooping. You will find out more if her guard is down, keep her from being suspicious.

Does she know about this thread?