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We've been married 14 years.

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I should add,

She told me, being with her ex allowed her to escape back to her early 20's when life was more care free, and the problems of having a 2nd child wasn't there. It was a fantasy, only meant to be short term, and she never at any time intended to hurt me.

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Melody lane - you words she has weak boundaries around men scares me. I've never about it that way before.

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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
My WW works like I do. She rarely travels for work, but 2 months ago went interstate for work. In her words, fate hate has it that she bumps into her ex-boyfriend on the street. She said hi, and left it at that. As she works for a large corporation, he managed to figure out her email address and emailed to catch up for dinner. She agreed and told me it was an innocent catch up night and that was meant to be it. She didn't tell me at the time she caught up with her ex.

That is like saying I "innocently" went drunk driving. There is nothing "innocent" or appropriate about having dinner with an ex-lover. That is not how a woman with appropriate boundaries behaves. THIS IS THE BASIC PROBLEM.

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I think the OM is very manipulative. She confided in him about our problems and he conveniently confided in her about his relationship of 7 years - about how he's about to break up with his partner.

If your wife had appropriate boundaries with men, he would not have been able to "manipulate" her. And the fact that she discusses her marriage with other men is another HUGE RED FLAG. More evidence of poor boundaries.

And secondly, I would wager this guy is either married or living with someone. That someone needs to be notified of the affair BY YOU. Without warning. Does this loser have a facebook page? I would see if you can find his spouse and tell her about the affair. Or call his house and see if a woman answers.

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She has not sent him final letter, but has told him on the phone that she wants to be with me, and even if we divorce that she will never be with him. She has told me every time he's tried to contact - two times.

So apparently she has not ended contact at all. The fact that he still contacts her at all tells me SHE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT ENDING THE AFFAIR. If she is serious he will not be able to get through. Every time he contacts her puts her back to day 1 of recovery. Until contact really ends, this is hopeless. Recovery is impossible until all contact ends.

I would slip some spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her computer because I assure you this affair is not over.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Some good spyware for cell phones are:

eblaster
flexispy
mobilestealth

Some of these have built in GPS's.

a good keylogger for her computer is eblaster at spectorpro.com


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody lane,

This is a huge revelation! When I discovered the cheating, one of the first things she had to do was to cut off all contact, and secondly to let me know should he contact again. She has told me of 2 occasions when this has occurred. The first was an email that she forwarded to me but she told me she did not reply to. The 2nd time was a phone call, where she told him not to contact her again.

On her own accord, she has sworn on our child that she will never contact him again. Are you saying she could be lying even now?

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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
Melody lane,

This is a huge revelation! When I discovered the cheating, one of the first things she had to do was to cut off all contact, and secondly to let me know should he contact again. She has told me of 2 occasions when this has occurred. The first was an email that she forwarded to me but she told me she did not reply to. The 2nd time was a phone call, where she told him not to contact her again.

On her own accord, she has sworn on our child that she will never contact him again. Are you saying she could be lying even now?

If an alcoholic swears he will "never drink again" would you have faith in his word? If so, I have some beachfront property to sell you! grin Letting you know when he contacts her misses the point entirely. He should not be allowed to contact her in the first place and if she were serious, she would shut down that avenue.

And you have no idea if she has been in contact unless you have a keylogger on her computers and spyware on her phone. Her word means nothing. If she decided to see him again, you would be the last person she would tell.

Did you HEAR the 2nd phone call with your own ears? If not, then you can just conclude that was a lie. A better way to end contact is for her to CHANGE HER phone # and email so he can't ever contact her in the FIRST PLACE and to send him a no contact letter that is written by her, approved by you and mailed by you.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Dr Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks melody. I got her to write a letter, but it has not been sent. I agree. It needs to be sent!

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You need to check the letter first. I recommend that you send it to us first before it is transmitted to OM.

Read the Notes page for examples.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
On her own accord, she has sworn on our child that she will never contact him again. Are you saying she could be lying even now?

Just wanted to chime in here... my WH swore on each of our children, his grandfather (the man he has the utmost respect for), his own life, his father AND his mother that he wasn't contacting the OW. All while he was texting OW beautiful, loving, you're my true soul mate, mushy, gushy, my wife is a wench and I'm getting divorced any day now messages.

Could she be lying? OH YES!


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Thanks tickytock. You've confirmed with melody not to be so trusting. I understand this now. Do you think my WW only told the 2 times the OM contacted her to make it believable that she has told him to go away? When in reality, she may have been communicating with the OM the whole time? I've had my suspicions as to how she's managed to go cold turkey and not talk to the OM, when prior to D-day she kept emailing him telling him how much she loved him.

She said to me just yesterday that there is no way she will jepeordise our one chance to salvage the marriage by lying to me and talking to the OM again. It so scares me that she is still prepared to risk everything.



I just ordered mobistealth. Having a few problems installing on her blackberry. Waiting for technical help.

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I told my WW that she needs to send the OM a final letter to leave her alone. She had written a hand written letter that we discussed previously. Instead of being enthused to Re-type and email the OM the final letter, she unenthusiastially said, can't I just scan in the hand written one and send it as is?

What am I to make of this?

On another note, I am trying to figure out how to get the OM's home number to see if he has a partner. I have his mobile number, work number and work email. Any ideas anyone?


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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
She said to me just yesterday that there is no way she will jepeordise our one chance to salvage the marriage by lying to me and talking to the OM again. It so scares me that she is still prepared to risk everything.

Talk is cheap when it comes to an affair. An affair is an addiction so words are meaningless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
I told my WW that she needs to send the OM a final letter to leave her alone. She had written a hand written letter that we discussed previously. Instead of being enthused to Re-type and email the OM the final letter, she unenthusiastially said, can't I just scan in the hand written one and send it as is?

What am I to make of this?

Do you approve of the letter she wrote? If you do, there is no reason that won't work. The most important thing is that she cuts off his access to her completely. She needs to change her cell phone #, her email address, etc. to make SURE he can't get through.

What about facebook? Is she on facebook? That is another way that affairees communicate. I would also search her car for a secret 2nd phone.

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On another note, I am trying to figure out how to get the OM's home number to see if he has a partner. I have his mobile number, work number and work email. Any ideas anyone?

Try googling him and getting a land line #. Do a whitepages.com and anywho.com search. If you can't get a phone you might be able to get an address and could drive there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
She said to me just yesterday that there is no way she will jepeordise our one chance to salvage the marriage by lying to me and talking to the OM again. It so scares me that she is still prepared to risk everything.

I heard this, too. Affairs are so textbook, it's scary. It's like once someone makes the plunge to do it, they're all taken over by aliens reading from the same script, like some bad B movie.

Just remember, too, the AP is a drug to them, it really, really is an addiction. Same chemical reaction in the brain, I believe. Try telling a full blown alcoholic to stay away from alcohol. They can't, they need help. You need to help her stay away from her drug.

Listen to Melody, and all the other vets, they really do know what they're talking about.


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Melody lane, ticktock, everyone,

You're all completely correct. I found some sort of evidence today that she was still in contact with him, and confronted her. She finally admitted it was the case.

I left the house.

I don't know what to do...............I still love her very much, but how can i go back to a person that is prepared to still lie to me?

We had a scheduled marriage counselling meeting the day after tomorrow. Should I go to it?

I want her back, but I don't. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Cliffy: Hang in there. Breathe. It is very hard to hear this, but your wife is exhibiting very typical WS behavior.

The vets will chime in soon, but from being a member here for awhile and reading, reading, reading myself, you MUST expose the affair to kill it, because your wife has shown that she is not capable of doing it on her own. I will look for threads that talk about exposure, but the basics are to contact your close family and friends and seek their help in destroying the affair.

Sorry you are here, Cliffy. It's the worst club to belong to, but we all help each other get through it.

And I can attest to be DESTROYED by my FWH's affair, and we are steadily on the road to recovery. It can happen.

Breathe.


Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
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Thanks sweat pea. I really need tomhear your words and want to believe.

My WW's mum and dad live near by. I called, went over there and spoke to them tonight. They are devastated as expected. I've told my WW's brother and sister too.

I am trying to find the OM's Partners number so I can speak to her. She is going through it too. I want to expose all of this to the OM's family too, but it easy to find at the moment.

Should I attend the counseling?

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Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=35
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