Hello everyone. I am new to the forum, although I've known about marriagebuilders since I got married 7 years ago. My marriage was strong early on, but after having 2 children, and not nurturing each other and our marriage, we drifted apart. About 2 months ago, a man came into my life online, on Facebook. He initially contacted me, but I chose to enjoy our conversations. This man and I developed feelings for each other, even though we lived many states away from one another. We never saw each other in person during this time, and mostly conversed online, but spoke a few times on the phone. We confided our relationship problems with each other (he had a woman who he was on/off with and the relationship was rocky). We made plans and intended to meet up in a few months when I was to fly to my hometown to visit. I was on the fence about it, very ambivalent, but my emotions and desires were winning over my rationality and morals, and good judgment.

Throughout the 2 months, I tried to break it off several times, but was unable to. It was like an addiction. I would always feel heartbroken and weak, my willpower was extremely weak. Plus I allowed myself to be affected by the sadness and emotions of the other man...I couldn't bear the thought and feeling of hurting him when I pulled away and tried to stop talking to him. I believe that my keeping it a secret from my husband, kept my ties strong with this other man.

I knew in my heart that after several times of failed attempts at breaking it off, I was unable to do it alone. I needed help. I had an epiphany. I was on the path to destroying my marriage, ending in divorce, hurting my children for the next 12 and 14 years of their life (til they turned 18) and beyond. In my heart, before revealing things to my husband, I believe that I wanted to move away from my home, and back to my hometown. I was delusional to think that this would have been a better life than what I have right now. I was delusional to allow myself to indulge in something forbidden, being selfish among my husband and children.

Well I had this epiphany last week. I realized that if I had better tell him what was going on. I told him that I wanted him to accompany me on this upcoming trip, because I had been talking to another man and liked him, was attracted to him, and started having feelings for him, and didn't want to go down that path. I needed to tell my husband because I wanted to eliminate that secretive environment that I had created and knew that was the only way. I called the other man 1 last time to tell him I told my husband all about him and our communication. He even then tried to say "I wish you had talked to me about it first. He wouldn't have found out if you didn't tell him." I told him that is not me, and I was tired of being secretive. We have not spoken since. I deleted and blocked him from Facebook, and he has not tried to contact me. My husband said he would either talk to him on the phone, or would be on the next flight back home to find this guy and talk to him face to face depending on how things went. He called the guy and settled things over the phone.

My husband was devastated. He felt so hurt and betrayed. He said that I needed to go to confession and had committed a mortal sin. He said that I had hurt the family and children. I know it hurt him to the core. I destroyed a piece of my husband's heart and soul....that I don't know will ever fully be repaired.

I wrote him a letter and read it to him, expressing my extreme sorrow and pain for causing him pain. I have given him all of my passwords. I am now conducting my life as an open book. I realize that I have communication issues, need to work on being honest with him about what I am feeling inside, and what I am doing with my time. I have stopped carrying my phone around with me everywhere. I am doing everything in my power to restore the relationship with my husband. I realize that I was not respecting my husband in many ways. I stopped giving him as much attention, affection, respect...I stopped respecting my husbands role of leader in the marriage, and mine as wife and supporter. I lost sight of what was important to us as a marital unit and family. I lost sight of religion. I lost sight of prayer. I lost sight of my husband. I started to see things on the other side as more favorable. I was seeing the grass on the other side as being greener. In many ways, I was missing things from my husband too. I was feeling neglected, unimportant, invisible. Having another man notice me and find me beautiful and spend so much of his time pursuing me felt good. We developed a connection that felt so good. I started to further question my marriage.

Friday was really bad. Saturday was really bad. Saturday afternoon I wrote him the letter and read it to him. It was better in some ways. We've made love every night. I realize how much I've hurt him and I am taking every cue I see and following his lead...in order to restore balance and health of our marriage. I think there is a good chance of recovery...although I don't know if he or we will ever be the same.

We have pulled a lot closer through all of this. I am so lucky that I have such a forgiving man to call my husband. I am so lucky and blessed that he is still loving toward me, although I know there is a hurt among his love. I am so ashamed of what I've done. He knows that. He can see that and tells me so. It goes a long way in him being able to forgive me and try to move on.

He has made the comment that "Thank God you told me and I didn't find out. Thank God. You made a mistake, and something inside of you said to make it right. And you've taken the steps to begin to fix it. I can forgive you. But it still hurts and it will take a long long time to get over this." He's opened his ears through all of this to things I've been unhappy about and wants to do what it takes to fix this with me.

I am so so so grateful for his love and forgiveness. When we hug now, it is not feelingless like it had become prior to the affair. We hug each other and kiss and embrace like we are holding onto each other for dear life. We are behaving more attentively toward each other. We are connecting like we had years ago. We are making love, and it is not just sex going through the motions like it had become.

I've cried so many tears in the past week and I never ever want anything like this to happen again. I thought I was falling out of love with my husband before the affair, but strangely I feel closer to my husband than I have in years. I have begun to respect my husband as the leader in my family, something I think I've never really done before. I don't know how to explain that but I think I used to try to step above him in that sense. This is something new for me to learn about. But I think we will be happier in the long run.

One thing I am struggling with though is the urge to check messages and emails to see if the other man contacted me. The urge to check my facebook. It's an addiction that I have to keep in check. I don't have an urge to contact him ever again though. He is very persistent though. I want my husband to be by my side when I go back for the trip to eliminate any chance of temptation. I have to say that the whole "relationship" if you want to call it that...was very addictive. I was addicted to checking to see if he had messaged me that morning when I woke up. I would get an adrenaline rush when I would see a message. I was feeling butterflies when he would say certain things.

I know I have a struggle in front of me. I first dealt with making things right with my husband, which is slowly getting better. Now I will have to deal with the feelings of "withdrawal" that Dr. Harvey talks of. Whenever I feel those feelings of withdrawal, my immediate go-to course of action is to say an "Our Father" or "Hail Mary." My willpower and strength was at an all time low through all of this, so I have a LOT of skills to develop. In the meantime, I will immediately say a prayer in response to those feelings of withdrawal and addiction until I learn and become proficient in some other skills.

I don't want to fail again!!!! Please if anyone has any advice on how to stay away from this man forever. Please do share. It's been 3 days since him and I have had any contact. And that is the longest I've ever been able to stay away from him. Having my husband by my side has helped tremendously. I've been good so far. But I have to admit, I've had thoughts creep in my head...like, "Maybe I could just send him ONE email to let him know the progress of my husband and I." I haven't acted on these thoughts, and I'm proud of myself for that. I need strength though and willpower. This is the first morning since revealing to my husband...that he's gone out to do something and I am home by myself. I have all the freedom in the world right now to contact him. But I haven't. And won't. The real tests will begin this week when I go back to work and will have my phone with me...where I have the freedom if I want to contact him. And the next will be on the days when I'm off work, home alone, when boredom creeps in and that urge comes up....or the feelings of withdrawal. I need to be strong.

Please share your ideas and advice on how to deal with the feelings of withdrawal and urges. I know what's right but I've followed a certain pattern for the past 2 months. I need help. I can't do this alone. Thank you and Happy Labor Day.

HSL, welcome to Marriage Builders. You did the right thing in telling your husband. The next step towards recovery will be DELETING your facebook account entirely. In order to recover, the environment that led to the affair has to be changed. That means deleting facebook altogether so he can't contact you and vice versa. Additionally, if he contacted you via email, I would delete that email account and start sharing your husbands account. You need to set this up so the OM CANNOT contact you. Every contact will triggger you.

Most marriages do not recover from an affair. Couples think that just ending the affair is enough, but it is not. If you don't take appropriate steps to recover your marriage, once the gloss wears off here, you will only have a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage and will be more vulnerable to an affair than you were before. This is a common mistake that people make. They don't understand that recovery STARTS when the affairs ends. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL.

So, please get the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook Five steps to Romantic Love and follow the program in there.

Here is an outline of what it will take:

here here

HSL, kudos to you for having the decency, knowledge, and courage to go to exactly the right places for assistance with your addiction - your husband, first, and this site thereafter.

Read M/L's post carefully, and get the books she referenced. The sine qua non of recovery and rebuilding a loving relationship is adequate quantity and quality of UA time.

Assuming you maintain a strict control on absolute honesty with your BH, you will soon decide that the worst of your experience is already behind you. He may rant, scream, cry, and pout. You job is to assure him of your remorse, and, working with his help, your commitment to never taking your marriage so near a precipace again.

And, not knowing your previous....uhh, schedule? ....I would mention that your recent "every night" SF is a manifestation of "hysterical bonding". This is very common among the immediately reconciling. Don't overthink it; don't start doubting when events return to whatever norm you previously had. Just enjoy the sense of affection and closeness.

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS

We are happy you joined.

Ideas:

Post frequently on MB
Post every time (and I do mean EVERY TIME) you feel the pull towards your addiction.

We will make you think, or make you laugh, or make you cry .... or, we'll pull out our shillelagh sticks and beat you ...... with love.

You did the right thing and showed your true moral character. I do hope you realize how very very lucky you are. You have been blessed. Good luck.

Welcome, Hope.

Girl, I think you might just make it.

MIGHT.

If you're not lying to us about your remorse you might make it. (You sound sincere to me. And I'm pretty good at knowing Bs when I smell it.)

If you realize the treasure you have in the man you married.

If you realize how you selfishly toyed with that precious man and your precious marriage.

If you are willing to hear and learn.

If your mind and heart are open to the possibility of a life others would pay for.

If you can do this, Hope - there is HOPE for you

Ask questions, yes, but remember to be still and listen. Posters will have pointed questions for you - answer them. Honestly. Even when it hurts or might cast you in a dark light.

You can rebuild only when you've torn down your false world.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Welcome, Hope!

Suit up, girlie! Great that you are here. Get ready to listen a LOT, OK? If you really choose to get back to a great marriage you will read a lot here, listen a lot here, and learn a lot here.

Stay strong and come on back. This is the best place you can be.

HSL,

You have taken the right steps to right the wrong in your life, why stop now and go backwards, think of the pain it will cause your family ..........it will not be worth it if your let your husband down now, you will destroy all the good that has taken place so far.......is that what you want because that is what you will get..........

Your children will not understand their mother's decision.........
Fantasy hurts everyone involved.....it rips families apart.........
I would change your routine, give your phone to a work colleague, be proactive, keep yourself busy, delete the facebook site, change your phone #'s, change your email address. Put extra precautionary things in place so contact never happens.........
You are lucky to have a 2nd chance read the stories on this site and hear the pain people go through with affairs.............and the difficulty of recovery your husband has already told you it was good the right thing came from you on your own, you let him down again and your life will take a turn for the worst........
Stay here and when you get weak log on and find the support to get you through the moments of weakness........read all the info on the site.........
You are awake now stay awake, good luck and believe me a lot of folks on this site will be so proud of you being accountable and honest, keeping your husbands and your kids interest first now is what your goal should be........
Anything else will turn your life upside down.
jessi

HSL,

A question I have for you is what did you know about marriagebuilders 7 years ago?


Did you know it dealt with infidelity? Did you look at any of the information that is on it? If so then you knew the devastation that such an act would bring to your family, but you ignored the dangers of putting yourself in such a horrible position.

Also if you did any research on this site then you also would've known that you could've saved your marriage before it got to this point--once again you didn't. I am not trying to beat you up here but I really hope you show a great deal of remorse to your husband for your poor choices because as I see it you probably had the knowledge to prevent all of this and you didn't!!!

I totally hope this is not the case and I'm out of line--because if I would've known about mb 7 years ago when I first got married I would not be in a middle of a divorce today-either my ww would've changed or I would not of married her!!

Well it has been a rough 6 days. Lots of tears and pain on my part. Lots of pain and uncertainty on his part. I've felt like dying would have felt better than this pain I created. He has said the same thing. I am extremely lucky for my husband's forgiveness and love. I'm doing everything in my power, I'm exploring every idea in my power to work toward rebuilding myself, faults, and to restore the foundation of our marriage. I know I have just begun in this process of making things right....and have a LONG way to go, but this is where I am so far.

The first thing I did was tell my husband about this OM. It turned our marriage as we knew it upside down, felt like we went through a food processor, and left us reeling...a lot of broken trust, hurt feelings, pain, anguish, sadness, tears, disappointment, broken bond, mistrust, broken balance, his statements about me: fear of unknown and fear I am not telling him how I feel, fear of what I am saying is not the truth, fear that he doesn't know things about me.

He has been extremely hurt. I wrote down all of my passwords to email and facebook, told him to please log in ANYTIME he has the urge to look. He said he is not going to police me. But I am insisting to him, because I WANT him to see what is and is not going on. I want him to check on me so trust has a chance to be rebuilt. I told him he could put my accounts on his phone so he can get the notifications immediately. I no longer carry my phone around with me. I don't bring it into the bathroom with me. We've talked about how he is afraid I will not be open with him about my feelings...and I suggested that I write things down in a journal in those instances that I would be inclined to not know how to talk to him about things....it's always been easier for me to get things out on paper...and then we could talk about it together. I think that could work and he liked the idea. Yesterday while I was at work, I had some downtime and I sent him an email with my thoughts that were going on in my mind. We talked about it last night. It was good having that dialogue together.

One suggestion that has been made on here is to delete my facebook and email....I decided not to do that because I want my husband to see those accounts. I want to be an open book with him. I felt that if I were to delete those accounts, it would suggest that I didn't want him to see details of my life. I'm giving him every opportunity to see every aspect of my life now.

As for contacting the OM. It's been surprisingly easy to stay away from him. Throughout the couple of months that we were conversing, when I would try to pull away, it was like there was this magnetic pull back to him. I had an extremely hard time.

After I revealed things to my husband, it was like that power was eliminated. It's like the truth killed it's power. The truth killed the power that the secrecy held on me. I have NO absolutely NO regrets of letting that man go. There are things about his character that l had learned of over time....that would kind of "pick" at me...like this nagging feeling. But I was caught up in a state of infatuation...also, at times I experienced feelings of kindness toward him and not wanting to hurt this man....so I overlooked these flaws in him. Now looking back, with a clearer head, I don't know what is wrong with me to almost ruin my marriage for this guy. I realize how stupidly I was thinking. I realize I was in this "fog" that Dr. Harley talks about. But that is no excuse. I know I have created this situation myself. But I am also very very angry for the times he encouraged me to keep secrets and angry at myself for doing it. Since D-Day, I haven't had a desire to contact this man. Now that I am back in reality, or rather, facing reality head on and accepting reality, I am wondering what the HELL I was thinking even being interested in this man. There was a time where I thought I had feelings for this man, and I truly did feel emotions. Positive ones. But I wonder how real it really was. It didn't take long to get through that withdrawal process. I promised my husband that I will NEVER contact that man again, and that if I felt any urge, I would talk to him. I also promised him that if he ever tried to contact me again, I would tell him. I thought that it would be hard, that I would be drawn to contacting this guy....but I don't. My focus and intention is on things I have been neglecting, that need healing. My husband and I have had poor communication skills in the past. I have been thinking about that....and we are working on that. We have been going to bed early every night after the kids go to bed, and just talking about things. There are a lot of loving gestures taking place like hugs and kisses, holding each other, spending time sitting next to each other...a lot of physical touch. There is a lot of TLC being put into each other. I took a lot of things for granted with my husband and marriage. I took our stability and security for granted. When I created a situation that shook that stability and security, it became like a nightmare that I hadn't imagined before. I have a lot of faults and I am doing my best to face them and improve myself. I am sure that I will have a hard time facing some things about myself, and will always be a work in progress, but I will do my best to bring these to light in my own eyes and will try to do better in admitting my faults. I told my husband that I am committed with everything inside of me to work toward restoring our health on a DAILY basis and if we EVER get to a point where we feel good about things again, I will make a DAILY effort to maintaining things. We used to be in maintenance mode before all of this took place...but I screwed things up big time. I never thought of it as being in maintenance mode. I didn't take the necessary steps to 'maintain' our security and stability. Rather, I took a lot of steps that HURT our security and stability. I can see by my actions and lack of actions how BADLY that hurt us.

The daily talks and TLC from both sides has been helping. The first 4 days were very rough. A lot of uncertainty. Yesterday was for me was feeling like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. But yesterday my husband said our open talk the other night really helped him. He has had this tight feeling in his chest and yesterday he said was the first day he was able to work diligently at work without the situation haunting him. He was able to not be consumed and focus. I'm so lucky he has not stopped loving me through all of this. He has loved me through it all, but with a cautiousness and hurt attached to it. I understand it and hope that someday he will love me again freely. Everyday seems to show improvement for us. I have a lot of regret and remorse that I don't know if will ever go away. I think I will carry it with me long after he forgives me and moves past things... But I am extremely lucky and blessed that my husband is willing to love me and work on things. I am so grateful for that. There is soooo much more to work on.

I got complacent. I admit that. I used to read a lot of stuff on Marriage Builders...but over time became in a different mindframe. I regret it. Deeply. I got lost and wish that I had utilized the tools of marriage builders. I came back to it recently. I know I made a lot of mistakes. But I am here now. Trying to do what I need to do to make my marriage right and work on my shortcomings....there are a lot of them that I need to address.

I also wanted to mention that I've picked up 3 books that I've begun to read:

1) After the affair

2) Proper care and feeding of marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

3) The 5 love languages.

I have asked my husband what he thinks about going to a marriage retreat. I am going to go to confession as my husband has asked me to. I know that I need to do this. It was his suggestion, but he is right.

As far as hysterical bonding, what exactly is that????

Excuses. Facebook doesn't need to be an aspect of your life right now. Neither does your email. Give him the opportunity to see the accounts if he wants. He may not want to. Then shut them down, and never go back.


What about a few months down the road, when you think your husband is being a bit of a jerk because he's lovebusting you, and that "power" returns?

To say that you don't want to see OM right now doesn't mean that those feelings won't change. Relying on feelings to protect your marriage is very dangerous.

What are you doing to enforce boundaries? You talk a lot. What actions are you taking to ensure that this will never happen again?

Unfortunately, NONE of those books have a plan to recover your marriage after an affair. The book that you do need is Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. That is the only plan I know of that actually restores the romantic love in your marriage. You can pick it up in most bookstores, or buy it used on Amazon.com very cheap.

If you are going to work on your marriage, please use resources that actually have a plan to recover your marriage.

Also, I agree with Prisca. The point of changing your email and deleting facebook is to remove any temptation. That needs to be done if you are serious about recovery.

Many of us here have gone through the Marriage Builders program with great results. Even Retrouaville counselors go to Marriage Builders for their own marriages. When we did the MB course we had to fly out to another city for the first stage of the program, but now they offer it online. They assign you a coach who gives you weekly lessons and follows up with you weekly. You also have daily access to Dr Harley.

HSL, you are sitting in the lobby of the most successful, effective marriage program that I know of. Why not use it? Dr Laura and Gary Chapman don't know how to save marriages, Dr Harley DOES.

It would suggest no such thing. Rather, it would suggest you are serious about affair proofing your marriage. When you are serious about affair proofing your marriage, you remove any avenue that could lead to temptation. That is called "extraordinary precautions" and is the first step in recovering a marriage.

print out the confirmations that the accounts were deleted, so he doesnt think you are just saying it.

or better yet do it with him