Have you made all the arrangements for Plan B detailed here? What arrangements have you made to stay in contact with your children?

As you are moving out, some issues, such as changing the locks, do not concern you, but have you written a Plan B letter? What are the conditions laid down for her to return to the marriage?

I don't get it. Why did she go back to work where OM works?

She's waffling because contact has resumed. Why is she working there?

Schooner, contact = fog. Your WW is foggy and will remain foggy as long as there is contact. Why is she working there??


Are you saying that the house is mortgaged in her name only? Did you sign off on your dower rights on the mortgage? If not, you will still be on the hook for the house.

I'm confused, Schooner. I don't understand why she is back to work with OM. I'm going to have to go back and re-read your thread...

He lives in Finnland, they will automatically get joint custody.

That's the whole problem. At present my WW is studying full time and is not earning any money. Her previous employer needs somebody experienced to fill in when they are short.

She knows that I don't like it but she overrides everything by doing what she wants. I can reason with her until the cows come in but when she needs to make a decision like going back to work, she will do it without thinking.

There is just too much work to turn her around. She has never suffered any consequences before - even now her only regret in this whole matter is that it has caused a lot of upheaval in our family. She does not feel genuine regret that I am hurt. She never has.

You are right, there will be no contest on custody. I still own half of the house but have taken a second mortgage equivalent to my share which I have used for myself. She can take the entire house and take over the second mortgage - she will of course sell the house and move into something smaller.

Maybe I'm just ignorant of the real estate laws in Finland - can she assume your second mortgage? Or will she have to refinance the note and buy you out?

Just for the record, my WW wants to remain married to me - it's just that she insists that she will always like the OM more than me.

She does not want to change any of her behaviour either especially getting admiration from other men.

At this point I know that I cannot change her - she needs to figure that out for herself.

In the meantime, I am nearing 52 and don't want to waste any more of my precious life. I bought a motorcycle and have signed up for the Stockholm marathon next June. All I want now is peace and calm - my WW does not give me that - no matter how much I love her.

Why have you not filed for divorce?

You are right, she will have to refinance. That would not be a problem because both mortgages together are less than 70 percent of the market value.

She is then free to sell and pocket her share of the profits.

Looking at the setup, I realise that I am backing out and that divorce is just a tiny step away.

It is her continued actions that have brought us to this point - she would of course have been very happy to cake eat indefinitely with zero effort on her side - not even a single hug in the nineteen months since D-day.

I have filed eleven months ago. We have a month left to finalise the divorce - if not, we have to refile and then wait six months to finalise.

I don't like the idea of giving up, all this time I have believed that a miracle will happen.

I can stay in plan B until October 10th. If I am still in plan B then, I will finalise the divorce.

She knows that I want to be loved by my wife more than she loved the OM. If she continues to insist that that is impossible, then her life is no longer my responsibility.

This sounds as a WW that refused to get the divorce so she could not be blamed for the end of the marriage and distruction of the family. This WW just let her passive agressive actions eventualy erode her BH's resovle to work at recovery until he filed for divorce.

Now WW will be able to always claim to every set of ears that the disolution of this marriage was not her fault.

52 years old is still young. You should not have to compete with another man for the love of your wife. You deserve better.

Is plan B necessary? It is 11 months since WW and OM had SF. My consequent exposure and one on one ended it on his side. WW tried holding on for as long as possible and kept breaking NC by checking his FB profile. On top of it all, she went back to work as a temp three times and became fogged out each time.

Today�s status: The OM is scared of me � he knows that I am aware of any contact � he knows that physically he is no match and that I need very little provocation to make good my threats to him.

My WW is not working at present � she is coming out of the fog (again!). She wants to commit to the marriage. She realizes that the OM is indeed a loser � yet she maintains fond thoughts of the memories.

During her last work spell, I exposed to her personnel manager who was sympathetic to the situation but couldn�t immediately terminate her employment. It is quite possible that she will not be asked back.

I also re-exposed to the OM�s foreman (who is actually a BS of my WW�s longtime friend � talk about prevalent infidelity in our society!). I this time alluded to the OM�s moral character � and his use of illegal substances � who knows what will happen to him when it�s time to downsize?

My WW knows that divorce is highly probable if I don�t feel good being married to her.

A plan B would be difficult � she is not in an active affair � the OM refuses to acknowledge her. She knows that it will not work out. I cannot legally force her to leave her home and family � there is no OM to go to.

It�s all about proving to herself that what she did had to be right because it felt so good. Her favorite justification to me and herself is that she would never have had SF with anyone unless she loved him. It is this catch 22 situation that she is caught up in. She is that entitled to think that she is beyond mere lust.

I am probably her only true friend � she has issues with self esteem, she has difficulty learning things. She has hereditary problems with her concentration � the same problems my son has been diagnosed with � the same that many of her cousins (on her mother�s side) and some of her aunts have. All this has come to light since her affair. She is not perfect � but there is a purity to her that I have never seen in anybody else and a gutsy attitude to persevere.

My own infidelities caused me to quit working on the marriage. Never mind the reasons and justifications I had � without that guilt, I would not have pulled back like I did.

It is now 7 days since NC was broken � the fog is less dense. I know she wants the marriage to work out � but she doesn�t have a clue on how to do it herself. My advice sounds right to her, but it�s from someone she tried very hard to distance herself away from.

I know that in order for her to commit fully to the marriage, she should hit rock bottom and be allowed to make up her own mind as to whom she wishes to commit to. This happened to me on D-day 1 � there was no doubt in my mind that I love her. Is there any way she can attain the zeal to work on us exclusively � is this possible if I continue to be her safety net?

It was the shock of having lost her to her affair partner that allowed me to look at my own feelings in brutal honesty � that caused me to seek a way to mend our marriage and brought me to this site.

I have been in plan A for about eighteen months � D-day 2 was the worst � all the broken NC since bring it back vividly. Plan B early on would probably have saved a great deal � is it vital at this stage?

Sincerely, Schooner.

You seem to have done a lot for the marriage. I think you are right to let the divorce finalize. From what you're telling she does not seem to be making enough effort. You can be in plan A until the divorce finalises and then give her the plan B letter and never let her hear from you again. She will know what she lost. You deserve a better wife. She may look good all she can, but you will see in the course of the years, the real character comes shining through the face. And it won't be pretty.

Save yourself for someone better. This is not a marriage, without affection, SF, etc.

God bless, Happyheart

Plan B early on would probably have saved a great deal � is it vital at this stage?

Plan B is dually missioned with protecting the "core" of the BS from ongoing damage caused by WS's behavior, but also preps the WS for the non-interaction that will follow a divorce. The timing in your situation - with the divorce option temporarily expiring - puts you in a delicate position. Instituting a Plan B for a month can have no impact at either protecting you or prepping her. If you are feeling ill-used by her ongoing cruelties, then go ahead and hit her with an abbreviated B. From your note, however, with its justifications and excuses for her actions, it seems that will not be what you choose to do.

As for any thought of letting the deadline pass and signing up for six more months of this crappy life you have been living using a Plan B application as an excuse (which I suspect is what you're secretly considering doing) -

...not even a single hug in the nineteen months since D-day.

Really?

Being you were a WS as well you only have to know how this makes recovery extra hard.

Your latest exposure has worked on OM. It will most likely get WW to never get rehired there once her current position is over. It may also get OM let go on the Co. terms rather then on his.

It seems that NC is going to stick better at this point. So if you can handle another 6 months of plan A then delay the divorce if you want to try and recover.

Hi,

I cancelled the divorce proceedings. It is better that my WW initiate proceedings.

It is now the right time for plan B, but because there is no active affair going on, and due to equal ownership of our home, I cannot force her to leave.

I need to be in plan B, to allow her to do something to draw me back into the marriage.

My WW still sees him at work - she refuses to stop working (to be honest there is no other employment available for her). The OM ignores her completely - but she is constantly reminded of the affair and will not abandon her positive thoughts of him.

Last night she admitted that she considers that she has two men in her life.

My real question is, can there be any unforseen disadvantage in me moving out to go into plan B?

Best regards,
Schooner

file for a legal separation before you do. That may mean that you file for divorce, then let those wheels move slowly, but it would accommodate you moving out without being charged with abandonment. It would also allow you to stop meeting her emotional need for financial support because it would draw some lines.

Canceled divorce proceeding and now able to accept that there are two men in your wife life. Real progress.

Your WW feels like there is 2 men in her life because, wait for it.....THERE IS. And you are continuing to choose that.

You need to get into Plan B, but you can't get her to leave, and now you have stopped the D. What is your plan here exactly? Is it Plan Reba?