Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Dear SugarCane, you are right to say that all of us are capable of having affairs. Years ago, I was emotionally attached to a man, then I read MB articles and cut off the attachment. Yes, my H's sloppy boundaries allowed himself to get into temptations. I am not sure whether he can practice Extraordinary Precautions with every waking moment, I am still fearful.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Maritalbliss, I have followed your advice to have him decide on remorseful actions and I have also order the book Surviving An Affair. I was worried when you mentioned about STD, so I went to the Internet but I do not have symptoms of STD. I am truly grateful for your advice.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Devastated_Again
Dear SugarCane, you are right to say that all of us are capable of having affairs. Years ago, I was emotionally attached to a man, then I read MB articles and cut off the attachment. Yes, my H's sloppy boundaries allowed himself to get into temptations. I am not sure whether he can practice Extraordinary Precautions with every waking moment, I am still fearful.

DA, he should set up his life in a way that he can't be tempted. For example, he should stop all overnight travel. That is an invitation to an affair. All household help should be elderly grandmothers or MEN. You should both brainstorm about ways to set up his life so it will be impossible to have another affair.

Here is what it will take to recover from an affair:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
I have suggested to him that we would do daily devotion & pray together. Instead of waiting for Surviving An Affair to reach Singapore two weeks later, tomorrow I will borrow it from the library. I have also asked him to cut off all contacts of women who were involved with him. No more time spend alone with women. Well, he always allows me to read his text messages and I know all his FB, email accounts; he doesn't spend night out and only travels on official basis, but sigh, he took time off in the morning and went to the domestic help's place and he had one-night-stand while he was on overseas assignment. We did discuss what he should and should not do, but I will use Dr. Harley's book to work on the marriage. It sounds so easy, but I am sure it's going to be an uphill task.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Maritalbliss, MB is the best place I could have gone to, I am not leaving and I need your support. I want to save my marriage.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Devastated_Again
; he doesn't spend night out and only travels on official basis, but sigh, he took time off in the morning and went to the domestic help's place and he had one-night-stand while he was on overseas assignment.

DA, if he does leave town again, you would need to go with him. How often does he travel on business?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Reading, I am not leaving and I need your support.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Migs, I know I have broken many rules also. Thought that I was fine until...

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
I was worried when you mentioned about STD, so I went to the Internet but I do not have symptoms of STD. I am truly grateful for your advice.
DA, please get tested! Many STDs are asymptomatic! Others require more than one test over a period of time. This is waaayyy too important to blow off by running a google search! Your physician will also perform a manual/visual exam and is trained to look for symptoms that you could miss.

Please do not leave your health to chance! (Ditto for your WH - he needs to be tested as well.)



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Jessie, what do you mean by safety nets?

While I agree with you that it is a sign he is trying to be a better man, I am also getting more and more convinced that he still has not told me everything. There are still many questions unanswered, things in the past that I never suspected start to fall in places. It drove me crazy when I kept thinking that he was still lying to me about the past. I am still on the emotional roller coaster ride.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Grace, you have given me an insight of what a perpetual liar can do and the lifestyle of lying is something I couldn't have apprehended without your sharing. Yes, I believe my H still has hidden a lot from you and what I am going to do is to help me to tell me his past bit by bit. This is not to dig in to the past, but to help me to get out of the habit of lying. Thank you for your prayers and I ask God to give me wisdom.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Surfer88, yes I have read the Basic Concepts and will read Surviving An Affair with my husband, I am getting two copies.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Melodylane, I have suggested to him that we would do daily devotion & pray together. Instead of waiting for Surviving An Affair to reach Singapore two weeks later, tomorrow I will borrow it from the library. I have also asked him to cut off all contacts of women who were involved with him. No more time spend alone with women. Well, he always allows me to read his text messages and I know all his FB, email accounts; he doesn't spend night out and only travels on official basis, but sigh, he took time off in the morning and went to the domestic help's place and he had one-night-stand while he was on overseas assignment. We did discuss what he should and should not do, but I will use Dr. Harley's book to work on the marriage.

I am very burdened as I know it's going to be an uphill task as I know he's still hiding something.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Maritalbliss, I remembered there was one time my skin was very itchy, so it became swollen, I never thought that it was my H, so I didn't seek treatment. It's tearing me, ok, I will do it within this week. I will let you know the results.

I am pretty sure my H is still not telling everything, but he insisted that he did. I threw into a rage when I remembered how itchy and swollen I was. He even went to a pharmacy to buy fungus cream instead of seeing a doctor. He said AA somehow just suddenly texted him and targeted him. Common, AA wouldn't have done it so ramdomly, someone must have recommended my H to her. I think all his past flings were like one night stands, he rarely stayed out and often spent his nights and weekends with the family. I suspect my H is a sex addition.

The thing is that he's not going to tell me anything even I keep pushing. He's not going to tell me anything more in the past if I keep throwing my rage and walking out of house. It's very difficult to deal with a perpetual liar.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
The thing is that he's not going to tell me anything even I keep pushing. He's not going to tell me anything more in the past if I keep throwing my rage and walking out of house. It's very difficult to deal with a perpetual liar.
DA, I am concerned that you seem to be approaching this in a lackadaisical manner. For example, I stressed the importance of being tested for STDs and your response is to google STDs and decide that you aren't infected. I did a simple google search ("STD symptoms). You know what came up on the first page? This:

"STDs often asymptomatic
You could have an STD and be asymptomatic � without any signs or symptoms. In fact, this happens with a lot of STDs. Even though you have no symptoms, you're still at risk of passing the infection along to your sex partners. That's why it's important to visit your doctor on a regular basis for STD screening, so you can identify a potential infection and get treated for it before passing it along to someone else.
"

Only after I pointed out the same thing did you decide that being tested might not be a bad idea. And that one point you had a suspicious skin problem?? doh2

You were advised from Day 1 to have your WH sit for a polygraph in order to confirm his truthfulness about the extent of his unfaithfulness. Your response?
Quote
Only police has polygraph test, but it's rarely available here


I took the liberty of checking out polygraphers in Singapore. There are many. Why are you not pursuing this valuable tool?

DA, there have been FIVE women that your WH has been unfaithful with - that you know of. And yet, in each case you've cried and have forgiven him - with absolutely NO conditions given to him for allowing him to remain in the marriage, and NO precautions to prevent another affair. DA, if I was naive enough to have a woman living in my house and then found out that my H was canoodling with her, that would be the last nanny to exist in my house! But you turn right around and hire another one??
crazy
Unsurprisingly, you now find yourself in the same place you were in years ago. Do you want to end this cycle of infidelity? I'm not convinced that you do.

Is it because you're afraid? I'm just not understanding you, here.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
I only saw one and probably I didn't search hard enough. What am I supposed to say to him? Tell him that I don't trust him and that he must go to polygraph. I am afraid...

He has started to open up and told me some of his sexual activities, if I don't give him a chance now, he would regret his revelation and will never do so. I am afraid...

Last edited by Devastated_Again; 09/06/11 08:56 PM.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Devastated_Again
What am I supposed to say to him? Tell him that I don't trust him and that he must go to polygraph. I am afraid...
"BH, I love you and our marrige. But I will not live with lies between us. We cannot rebuild our marriage on a foundation of lies. I would like to schedule a polygraph examination for you so that I can begin to feel safe in our marriage again."

You DON'T trust him! You should NEVER have completely trusted him! He has proven that he will abuse that trust at every opportunity!

If your WH is truly repentent and remorseful, he will jump at the chance to prove that he is telling you the truth. If he dodges and weaves and gets upset at the thought of having to take the test, well, I guess that will tell you something else entirely, won't it.

ETA: I wouldn't suggest this as an idea. I would demand it as a condition for remaining in the marriage. If he can't fulfill this simple task after swearing to you that he's told you the truth, I'd tell him to get out.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/06/11 08:58 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 76
DA, first of all, please get tested TODAY. He was playing with your life all these years.

In my situation, there was only one polygraph company in my town and he never got back to me. That delayed my H test by a few months. I had to look at another city (a 3 hour drive) to get my H tested. I was scared about my H polygraph results and that there could be more that the two other women but I needed to know and I compared it to having an operation or surgery. I would be scared but it needs to be done so you just do it. Please get it done, go to Malaysia or other neighboring country if you have to.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
I had never suspected my BH because he is a very caring man, has been good to me, shows me lots of love and passions, a very good father, he takes care of all of us, he is committed to the family. Yet he has a dark secret.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Dr. Harley says that many men have secret second lives.







Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (howtoheal, anchorwatch), 141 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5