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Hosea 2:10 states the affair needs to be EXPOSED in the public's light.

Are you ready to let your family, OM's family, all your children, your pastor, your neighbors know about your affair?

Once EXPOSURE happens I am pretty certain NC will come fast from POSOM. He will likely be running from the truth.

EXPOSE this Sordid Adultery and free yourself!!!

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
Didn't talk to him when I could of
You're not getting it, sunny. Did you really watch the video that Pepperband posted to you? What did you retain? Did you understand it?

Do you know who Dr. Harley is?
Here's what he says about seeing your former adultery partner after the affair:
Quote
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
Didn't talk to him when I could of

So what? Stop the sulky todler nonsense and cut this man out of your life.

Expose to all.

Where is your husband by the way?

Im sorry if you were expecting 'there there' advice coupled with a 'nobody's perfect'

People dont want to see you continue down this painful and confusing path.

Stop.

Ask yourself.

Am I in pain? Am I confused?

Then for heaven's sake STOP


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
U can't drink if he's not searving alcohol anymore now can u
crazy okay, i'll bite. Just because he's "not serving" doesn't take away your desire for a drink.

Remove the temptation. Being a "believer" surely you understand that.

Why won't you answer any one's questions straight out? Like, why won't you bring your husband here?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Your feelings are the issue.

You will want what you can still see.

Not only do you want to stop drinking you want to stop 'wanting'.

So that you will want your husband again.

Please. Stop making your h submit to this cruelty where he feels unloved and second rate. I beg you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
U can't drink if he's not searving alcohol anymore now can u
.

I don't know of any bartender that won't pour one for an addict.

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This OM is still married and you were OW1 and now he is on OW2.

You refuse to see that because you did not go all the way does not matter this was a PA.

You refuse to see that no good can come of your kids and his kids being friends. That their relationship will prevent NC forever.

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Sunny, stick with me for a couple of minutes while I kick this around with you a little, 'k? ...

I was in an EA once. At one point, my wife expressed concern about the time I was spending with OW. Of course, I swore nothing untoward was happening. Said we were just practicing music. But just the same, I promised I wouldn't spend more time alone with OW.

Part of my mind was jolted awake a bit by that conversation. I realized where this could be headed. And so I told OW it had to end. We had to make sure we just stayed friends.

But one chink in my armor was, I was still going to be seeing her every week. At church on Sundays, and at music team rehearsals on Thursdays. So we'd still have occasion to talk.

And some other part of my mind wasn't all that concerned that there'd be any danger for us in remaining in contact. That part still enjoyed her attention, still enjoyed the knowledge that she thought I was a "really great guy" (she'd said so). That was a nice ego-boost for me.

Maybe it would've been ok if she'd backed off. I hadn't made the first move, after all. I didn't start out looking for an affair. I'd always known when to draw lines, all my life. So I could handle this. I could manage it. No prob.

Turns out I managed it for not quite 2 more weeks after that.

See, after not much time, she decided she didn't want to back off. And when she didn't, I didn't handle things so well at all.
I didn't manage it.
I ended up immersed in a physical affair.
I hit rock-bottom.
I played a certain role in ending another couple's marriage.
I came God-knows-how-close to ruining my own marriage.
... All things I'd once have sworn I'd never have reason to say about myself.

My point? That this "no-contact" stuff you hear people talking about here on this site is really, really serious stuff.

You can't really imagine how serious it can be, until you've lived it all the way to rock-bottom like I did.

I'm here to ask ya to do yourself a favor and please try to imagine it anyway.

'Cuz maybe it's more serious than you think.

Or maybe you're a notch better than I was. Or maybe you'll be luckier than I was and your OM won't push it further with you. And maybe your husband's constant knowledge, in the back of his mind, that OM is still in your life & on your radar screen -- even if only at the periphery -- won't cause your husband to become more tentative & less giving toward you, more defensive, more withdrawn from you. Maybe it won't adversely impact your marriage at all. I dunno... are you feeling lucky?




Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions. For the record HE SAID, HE NEEDS TO NOT TALK TO ME FOR MY HUSBAND AND FOR HIM AND HIS GF and I need to just let it go.
So as yo can see there will never be any in person meeting. He might be among the croud on occational holiday functions but my HB will be with me. I asked him to do me a favor and if he see's me to turn around and don't let me see him. We won't change our life. We will have to learn how to deal with the reminders but OM is not interested in me and is not a threat to my marriage. I just need to keep praying to take away the thoughts and that the reminders don't effect us. I've listed and thank you for all your advice.

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I mainly contacted him cuz his wife told me he got in a bike wreak and was hurt. yes I slipped and I'm a failure.

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He IS a threat to your marriage.

To use a different analogy, a man likes chocolate cake. He decides one day it is bad for him. But he continues to see it, and one day breaks down and eats it.

HE IS A THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOU MUST HAVE NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

The reminders are called "triggers." You will always have them and you will NEVER be able to recover your M unless you STOP seeing him, period.

How does your husband feel about this? Does he like the idea of his wife seeing her affair partner--even the chance of it? Knowing what happened between you two?

And knowing that it COULD happen again?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
I started having an emotional affair with a neighbor friend for about 1 year before it turned more serious. ... ... ... advice needed.
You don't need our advice, sunnysunshine. I see you've got it all figured out.

Keep checking in on OM to make sure he's doing ok after the accident.

Good luck.

I'm out.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Such a typical response of a OP that it is scary.

You aren't special. Your BH isn't special. OM isn't special. These plans work, IF you USE them. ALL of them.

It's your choice, since it's your life.

Think about it this way, what do any of US gain here? What stake do WE have in your marriage? The answer is easy, NONE. So why would we tell you how to do this? Because it WORKS.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Quote
To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions.
To WHOM were you trying to prove a point?

Are you listening to nothing that we say?

Sunny, I would like you to talk about the video that Pepperband linked for you. What parts did you agree with? What parts did you NOT agree with? What parts did you think were important for your particular situation?

I'm saying this because I think that you never watched that video at all. If you did and you're offended that I believe you're lying, you'll be able to answer my questions. If you didn't, you're going to be forced to watch in order to answer my questions. Either way, my goal is accomplished, knowing that you have watched that video, which is critically important to you.

Answer my questions, please.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/08/11 06:05 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I'll give it a shot....

You need to go no contact because YOU will always be triggered. YOU won't get rid of those thoughts.
YOU won't be able to be the wife your husband deserves because YOU will be thinking of OM constantly.

Every time you see OM, hear his name, see his name, see his kids, see his ex-wife, you will think of him.

No contact at all will make the thoughts of him less and less, then hardly ever.

Out of sight, out of mind.



Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
I mainly contacted him cuz his wife told me he got in a bike wreak and was hurt. yes I slipped and I'm a failure.


Do you now see WHY you need EPs? Why you shouldn't be hearing news about him from his wife because that is just the same as CONTACT,

You got triggered. YOu wont heal while that happens. You wont have a great marriage while that happens

Do you see why you shouldnt have his email/ phone / facebook and he shouldnt have yours.

Yes you have weaknesses. Acknowledge them and put healing into practice.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Please tell me you are at least being radically honest with your h about your slip up and contacting OM.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions. For the record HE SAID, HE NEEDS TO NOT TALK TO ME FOR MY HUSBAND AND FOR HIM AND HIS GF and I need to just let it go.


What were these questions you asked for the record?

Strange you didnt mention them if you only asked them for our benefit.

You know and we know that you are struggling very hard with this addiction.

As soon as you get a GREAT EXCUSE to see/talk or try to seduce this man - you GO FOR IT.

Great excuse #1 My kids schooling! No matter that they can get schooling anywhere but that they have only one parental marriage because - I can still see OM!!!!

Great excuse #2 I will see what he says 'for the record' to 'prove a point' I will totally ignore the fact I am lying to myself with a story a child could see through because - I can talk to OM!

Great excuse #3 I don't need EPs because OM doesnt want to talk to me, but - that wont stop me trying to win OM round!!!

Great excuse #4 Its easier to do nothing and blame being 'weak' - because it just is. And it gets me more OM cake.

WAKE UP


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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'For the record' it didnt start with an emotional affair - it started with excuses.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point

sunnysunshine. You don't have to prove anything to us ...it is your BH whose trust you must "EARN".

We are trying to give you the tools to earn back his trust, to rebuild the love in your marriage, and to affair proof your marriage going forward.

You can choose to listen and learn the principles and recover your marriage or you can choose to fight and end up in a crippled marriage that never recovers. It is solely up to you.

I hope that you give MB a sincere try. Really, this is a safe place. The sometimes brutal posts are only meant to knock you out of your "fog" and help you to think more clearly. And that was not meant as a dig because most of us suffered from this fog whether wayward or betrayed.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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