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#2545393 09/19/11 01:00 PM
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Hi

Last edited by billypilgrim210; 09/21/11 03:04 PM.
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One question, and please search deeply and answer as truthfully and sincerely as you can....

You state that your wife didn't respect you and seemed like she was building a life without you, so you became and alcoholic.

Could it have been the other way around? That you were a terrific alcoholic, so she lost patience and respect for you and started to build a life without you?

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Last edited by billypilgrim210; 09/21/11 03:04 PM.
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Great job on the sobriety!

With that out of the way, do not discount your behavior as just "mean". See it for what it was, verbal abuse, plain and simple, possibly with a sprinkling of violent behavior. Every throw and break stuff? That's pretty darn scary to watch.

I've lived with an alcoholic for 20+ years.

You're still making excuses for your choices. Still foggy. When you have no more excuses left and you realize you drank, just to get drunk, then you're golden.

Your wife should have counseling, if she's anywhere near what I'm feeling, she has a whole lot of resentment built up and a couple months of good behavior is nothing.

To put it in perspective, when my H was in one of his binges, I had hoped and prayed he would get alcohol poisoning. Pretty screwed up, eh? My greatest wish was for him to drop off the face of the earth.

Keep up the good work with the sobriety, before you can fix relationships, you have to get yourself right.


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Last edited by billypilgrim210; 09/21/11 03:05 PM.
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I'll just say this, then I'll leave it alone. My friends and family thought my H was the greatest guy in the world. Behind closed doors, my world was hell. Just don't discount the effect your drinking has had on her.

That aside, if she's seeing someone, she's having an affair. Even if you're separated, you're still married. There's a chance it started even before you left the home.

If you seriously want to save your marriage, then you should probably have this thread moved to Surviving an Affair.

Listen to what everyone tells you, even if you think it doesn't make sense, they know what they're talking about. Nothing will work, however, if you aren't sober. Are you in AA?


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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Billy,
You say "Separated since January" but mention no divorce, but you are on the divorce board. I'm confused. And now you're saying your wife is seeing someone, and was staying out all night in the recent past.
You realize that on this website, people are MARRIED until they are divorced, right? MB is very clear on that definition and how it relates to what children form in their minds as a "committed relationship"/Married couple, etc.

As for your sobriety, I give you credit. You don't say how long you were a drinker, however. I would encourage you to get some perspective from the other side: do you think 2 months of not drinking out weighs the months/years of presenting yourself to your family in such a pathetic and frightening way? Realistically you really have a long way to go to gain back their trust, am I right? Also, you should not even concern yourself with that because YOU can't control what or when they decide to trust you again -- you do NOT have that right. You only have the right to continue to not drink anymore. You can't even expect that they ever will respect you again, you just can't concern yourself with that; it's all up to them.

[my experience with the drinking is that I stopped about 22 months ago (on wednesday). I rarely got drunk but definitely drank more than necessary, anyway, I quit for my own reasons. ]It is pretty amazing when you learn to live life another way, but it is hard at times. Just stick to it because I can guarentee your children will notice and be better off with a sober Father. Way better off.

Which brings me to my next point. Your family is in shambles. You have a lot of work to do to keep your kids on the right track through all this. I hope you'll seek as much help here, guidance, and support as you can. I hope you'll read as much as you can. Your kids will need someone incredibly strong - and something tells me their mommy is not that person; being married to a drunk does not give someone the right to go out and find a boyfriend.

good luck, stay sober.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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When did you discover that your WW was seeing someone else? Do you know who this person is?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Last edited by billypilgrim210; 09/21/11 03:05 PM.
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How long has the EA been going on?

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She made it clear that when we separated she was able to see other people.
She set the dating thing up the day she threw you out. She already had OM lined up - the EA guy.

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I don't know if she did or not. She certainly didn't do it around the kids. I have not seen anyone or even thought about it. There were some nights on the bottle that I had more than a few chances to break that vow to her but I did not.
You don't know what she's doing because you promised her you wouldn't spy on her, right? Why would you make a promise that is so dangerous to your marriage??

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As for another man, she was having an EA for a longtime and that is what drove me crazy. She is still best friends with the guy and while I am sure they are not sexually involved it still hurts that she would seek someone out before me.

billy, you can pretty much assume that they are still together and the affair is now a PA. They are NOT 'best friends' - EAs that are left unchecked don't DE-escalate - they escalate into PAs. And NO, you're NOT sure they're sexually involved. You're not spying on her, remember? Your best bet is to assume they are.

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As for where she was Saturday, I have some thoughts but I am not going to spy or try to find out.
You're going to have to get over this business of allowing your WW full reign to pursue her affair - do you want to be married to her, or not?? dontknow

I'm not sure what you want to accomplish - you're on a marriage building website, yet you say
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I do not believe that a couple of months of good behavior changes everything I was simply wondering what others have gone through.
Do you mean what other people have gone through on their sobriety journey?

Are you're resigned to being divorced but still hoping she'll come around?

In any event - if you want to save your M you're hiding it well. It sounds like you're sitting on your hands and hoping your WW will suddenly change course. She's probably not going to do that, billy. She's had months to adjust to a new life that does not really include you - AND she's having an affair. The chance of her returning to you of her own volition isn't good.

Do you want to try to kill the affair and get your marriage back? I would suggest you click on the Notify button and ask the moderators to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. You'll get more posters reading your thread over there. AND you'll get a lot of info for hopefully saving your M.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/20/11 07:34 AM.
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Last edited by billypilgrim210; 09/21/11 03:06 PM.
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Actually, her having an affair should be of major consideration, if you let it go unchecked, there is NO chance to recover your marriage. You can't have a marriage with this 3rd person, and leaving her alone to continue the affair leaves her open to fall in love with the OM and get even foggier.

As bad as alcoholism is (I'm also biased, I will most likely be the hardest on you for that), that's still no excuse to have an affair, which is what she is doing. It has turned physical and they're playing house now.

Do you want your wife back or do you just want to live in the house with her? What exactly is your goal?

Last edited by TickyTock; 09/20/11 02:07 PM.

Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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If she is having an affair or not isn't really the point for me at this time. I am kicked out of my house and do not know how to get back in.
The point absolutely is that she is having an affair. That's why you're not going to get back into your house! And you won't get back in until OM is out of the picture!

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Getting sober, in case you were unaware, is a somewhat challenging and life altering experience.
I am very familiar with the issues surrounding alcoholism and sobriety.

I haven't seen anything concrete in your posts to indicate what it is you're doing to recover your marriage. Do you mean this:
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Being nice and kind towards her, while not slobbering, and being the best parent I could be are also things I work on constantly.
While that's commendable, it's not going to pull her out of an affair. It will make it easy for her to leave the kids with you to babysit while she goes out on dates.

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Spying and playing gotcha isn't going to work either (I have implied my knowledge of such things and it leads to disaster).
There's your problem: you implied knowledge.
She promptly bullied you into backing off on the snooping so she could continue her affair in peace.

But I do want to apologize, billy. I was under the impression that you wanted to recover your marriage. You say you're actually looking for support throughout the sobriety and divorce processes. I will leave you with those posters who can help you with that.

Good luck.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Begging for her to take me back isn't a winning plan in my opinion. Spying and playing gotcha isn't going to work either (I have implied my knowledge of such things and it leads to disaster).

Begging doesn't work with a wayward spouse. That's for certain. However, you (and your kids) have a right to know what is going on in your marriage, do you not? And if you expect your wayward wife to come out and tell you exactly what the truth is, you do not understand the nature of adultery. The ONLY way to find out even part of what your wife is doing while she isn't with you is by careful COVERT information gathering.

You have a lot on your plate right now. And I think the absolute smartest thing you can do is to battle the alcoholism and go from there. The other posters are absolutely right, though, the marriage can only be saved by a narrow path which you can read about here.

I say again: your kids need you desperately to be strong.

opt


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