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Personally I believe her personal life and her professional life should be separate unless it was done at work which it wasn't. This has no affect on her competence and it would be unfair to have the possibility of having her fired. Sorry - don't agree at all on that one

I would check with Brickhouse Security and flexispy and see what they have.


Thats fine if you have to change the password. It should give you enough time to download and print all the bills. And why else would she change the password unless she has something to hide.


I would find one locally.

If you would place more emphasis on finding ways to protect your marriage instead of finding endless excuses about why you CAN'T/WON'T you might be able to save your marriage. But we can't help you if you refuse to help yourself.

It is going to take a much more proactive approach if you expect to turn this around. As you have learned, complacence is not helping your marriage. It won't fix itself on its own. You have to actually step up here and do some work. [other than finding an excuse to not do anything]

Mel: Here is what I suggest. (plan)

You: Yes, but .....

Mel: This is why this has worked for countless others (explanation)

You: Yes, but .....

Mel: What we have seen time and time again is (examples) and that is why (plan) works.

You: Yes, but, that might make WW mad. Yes but, that won't work in my case. Yes but, we live in Timbuktu. Yes but, it's Wednesday and I never do things like that on Wednesday. Yes but, I wish she loved me.

Please don't get discouraged with me as I try to sort out this most difficult time in my life.

Other(s) I've sought advise from including a couple pastors and a marriage counselor use the GRACE of God approach and dealing with the "me" side.

Palm Treo 500v, Palm Treo 500w, Palm Treo 800w, Palm Treo Pro,

Does she have one of these phones?

A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

Make sense?

It is obvious to any outside observer that she is still having an affair.

You cannot force her to do anything. Nor should you. You should simply say 'I want a safe, monogamous marriage' and if she says 'no' You say 'Good to know. Bye bye'

I searched for polygraph in area - Not available.

But until he gets pissed off enough to quit letting her decide how his life and his family's life is going to be, she'll keep on going.

Not much to add, MrAmazed, except that I've been down your road before. Looking back, I would have followed the advice that you've gotten from those here.

If you want the phone records, you GET the phone records. You tell her to give you the password. You're paying for the phone, too, right? You're married. It's called joint property and you have every freaking right to see those phone bills.

If you want her off facebook, you tell her to get off facebook.

If she doesn't want to drive to get a polygraph (or give you the phone records or close facebook), tell her to drive her butt to the courthouse and file for a divorce because you sure as hell aren't living like this anymore.

Ask her if she's ok with only seeing her kids 50% of the time? Is she ok with another woman raising them? What are you supposed to tell them when they wake up screaming in the middle of the night asking where's mommy?

Buddy, you've got to get a fire up your rear and I mean that in a nice way. None of us here are posting to degrade or insult you. We're doing it because we see the train coming and want you to get the heck out of the way.

Funny last night as I prayed for us with her in bed, she thanked me for being so patient with her. It is like a roller coaster ride.

BTW she didn't like my FB status Proverbs 26:11 "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" She probably thinks it about her, but really its about me. Her comment "whatever."

Originally Posted By: Melodylane
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less and won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Your quote is funny, though her response reminds me of someone that plays nice if you're complacent but turns to sarcasm or lashes out if something negative/truthful is brought up.

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells over there?

I'm starting to lean... I cannot take it anymore and I am getting Pissed. "

She probably thinks it about her, but really its about me. Her comment "whatever."

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I searched for polygraph in area - Not available.