I'm in the stupid bathroom crying. How can I hide all this? Ugh. And you know we are supposed to do dates and whatever...w what money?

He doesn't seem optimistic About long term negotiations w work..he thinks it's just temporary

confused, you need some rest, dear. You are clearly exhausted.

And you need to back off on meeting his needs. You need to show him you are heartbroken and he needs to step up to the plate and start doing a better job of taking care of you and meeting your needs.

I know it is scary for you, but it was much more scary LAST WEEK when he working with the OW and having an affair. You have come so far!

I thought I was supposed to be really into meeting his needs so ge won't leave? It's kinda hard to be depressed and sad and couch bound AND pretty. I'm so worn down I'm like paralyzed. I don't even know what to do w myself. I should be doing laundry, cleaning. Whatever. And I'm just staring into space paralyzed

Maybe I'll go to bed early. Or lie on the couch for hours w him watching tv

You need to go tell him you are worn out from fighting for this marriage and need him to pick up some of the slack here. He needs to be taking care of YOU. Go tell him you need that now.

Dates dont have to mean money, check out this questionare. Anything on here that you both like to do that dont cost? Board games, walks in the park? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=14&sublink=358

Anything you do together counts, even grocery shopping if he is willing and you make it fun.

He needs to know that you have needs and are hurting now. Just dont have an angry outburst (AO) yell here as we know how you are feeling.

If you print out the questionare, you can take off the header so he does not know where you got it.

Ok I'll check that out. We line to spend days window shopping but we usually eat out or maybe buy a small thing here or there. I think we are going to try to start hiking together...even though I'm terribly slow compared to him. He likes movies alot at home...I don't love them but I don't mind either...I love board games but of course he doesn't. We have one he likes but it needs 6 people.

I wish he liked walks...he hates them. I'll print the list at work and cut the heading off.

We both like good food. We could cook together (of course nice food cost but cheaper than eating out). We both like wine-bevmo wine tasting Saturday is only $2each. Maybe we could do that and pack a picnic and buy a cheap bottle of wine.

Im sure he knows I'm hurting. He keeps asking me how I'm doing and kissing
My head saying "I'm sorry it'll be ok". I'll just tell him I need to just relax.

I'm sorry for spewing. It's just been a rough evening I guess.

confused, LD is right, there are lots of low cost things that you can do! My H and I have some of our best UA time wandering around the mall and even eating in the food court. [cheap] Hiking is another excellent way to spend your time together. The point is to make each other your FAVORITE recreational companion. Driving is another great date.

There is no reason you can't do other things, like running, etc, just make sure you share your social life and put your marriage FIRST. See what I mean?

Yea that makes sense. I'm just trying to grasp it all and I'm a whirlwind mess.

I'm not sleeping well...I just started keeping food down yesterday although last night was spent in the restroom later,

I had a psychiatrist appt last week and he offered me valume or sleeping pills but I didn't know if wh was coming home so I couldn't take them so I saud no. And of course anti depressants take forever to work of at all

call the doc back and he will send the meds to the pharmacy for you. you should not have to go back in. It sounds like something to calm your nerves would not be a bad idea. Some AD's work faster than others also but the anxiaety (sp?) is starting to get to you.

Stop worrying so much about money and the future. It will not mean as much to you when you are back in love together. Just think, if you can get through this, you can get through ANYTHING !

You are a very strong woman to do everyting you have done this week. You cant do it all at once and you deserve to slow down a bit.

Been reading and following, and you have done a lot in a few days, your bound to be rolling in your emotions.

Be ready for and prepared for those feelings of anger and despair that might pop up now, even though things are doing very well, you might feel like getting angry at him for creating this mess.

Your taker is coming,(you will read about that part of you in the books).

Like Mel said, have him take the kids when you need a break, and remember you have been through a shock, and it is expected for you to have deep emotional reactions.


Glad you are starting to keep food down, and wishing good sleep. Have you tried meditation? The dreams will subside in time, if that is what is waking you up. Try to fill your mind with positive thoughts, you have every chance for hope now, and are on your way to repairing your marriage and your life together.

Breathe deeply

Dear Confused and Torn
I went thru this same thing last year; it hurts you so much. Husband had sex with numerous women and I found out by cell phone, online pictures and him saying he was at work but his job said he was not there. Anyway it is hard and it does tear you up inside. If you put him out it is a BIG mess; with your emotions ,bills and finances plus the family, friends, and children to deal with. He could also give you a social disease if he does not wear a condomn. Your hubby wants an open marriage or wants you to do the same thing to easy his guilty. But do not! My ex wanted an open marriage cause his wife before me did agree. He thought he could do the same thing wiht me. All I know is do not leave your home or hubby can say you deserted him. Ask your hubby to leave or ignore him till he leaves. You should collect all kinds of texts, cell phone info, pictures, etc now. Do not tell him what you are doing; this will help you in court. Snoop on him big time; keep the proof then file for divorce if he does not stop. This proof can add to you getting spousal and child support. Women get spousal support if they can proove hubby is cheating. Also keep in mind now men can do all kinds of sex and online dating on cell phones not just PC.

You can always try couples therapy or just react to his cheating by ignoring him as mate. Let all your and his family and friends know he is cheating; but be careful some men try to hurt their wives about this issue. Let people know what is going on; do not go thru this alone. If he scares you call the police (do not tell him just do it)and make a report; helps in court.

Sable Venus

Im I missing something SV?

Not much of that post pertains to her story at all.

No you didn't miss anything LD, SV obviously hasn't read her whole thread.

Ummm yea. I'll just ignore that?

Please do. That is why I wanted to call attention to the fact it does not apply. Would have tossed you a curve ball.

Maybe she just needed to vent

That happens alot. I just didn't want you to go off in left field when you are heading for a home run on the path u are on.

Im very impressed. Be ready for the roller coaster ride of feelings but it will get better.

Hey girl!

Have you ever heard the phrase "don't borrow trouble"?

You are projecting loss of income and financial hardship -- and none of those things have happened, and there is no certainty that those things will happen. So relax!

It sounds like his employer is interested in working out a way for him to keep his job. Thats GOOD!

And relax about the time commitments. Spending time with your friends will be enjoyable -- keep doing those things. But also add in time for you and him alone.

SableVenus, please refrain from posting non-Marriage Builders advice. Posting advice that is contrary to the concepts of this site is confusing to posters who come here seeking advice to save their marriage.

Also, please read threads carefully before responding. This poster's husband does not want an open marriage.