Kind of a top 10 list for you reading waywards who think that you can continue your affairs and not get caught or suffer consequences for it if you are...

10. I can handle this... I am in control of everything and can end it whenever I want-- Except you can't. there is always another person involved and you cannot control the OP. Much as you'd like to think you can... And chances are, you bought into their lies too.

9. It will never hurt my BS or kids... If I don't tell there's no harm.---Except that there is always harm when you lie cheat and steal from someone else. Secrets kill. it affects the way you approach your spouse and kids. It is extremely selfish and self serving and you will find yourself doing less and less for your family and more and more for your AP

8. My spouse doesn't care.--- Even in the worst of marriages this isn't true. This is a betrayal of the highest magnitude. There is nothing worse you can do than disregard your spouses feelings and enter into an affair of any kind. Trust me...they care.

7. This was a natural thing, this progression... It was meant to be.--- Well so was your marriage, right? It wasn't a natural progression, because you are making unnatural choices to pursue a relationship with someone you should never have said hello to.

6. This relationship is good. he/she makes me happy. --- if the relationship was so good, why is it being hidden? Shouldn't you broadcast it to the world? Declare it publicly? The truth is, you know it is wrong and that's why you hide it.

5. It's not my fault, I was abused, cheated on, mistreated in the past. I deserve happiness--- None of these are legit excuses or even reasons. The truth is, you have made choices with little or no regard for any one or any thing except yourself. Abuse to you is no reason to abuse another, having been cheated on is no excuse to cheat, and because your spouse maybe mistreated you is no reason to mistreat him/her back.

4. I can have both my spouse and the OP.--- Nope. doesn't work that way. It will ALWAYS eventually come down to one or another. Even if your spouse has never found out, chances are they are unhappy in their marriage with you. And it's your fault. Spouses sense certain things even if they don't know the details. You are slowly (or quickly) killing your marriage.

3. If I get caught (or I got caught and asked) I'll just ask to be forgiven and things will work.--- Unfortunately for you it doesn't work that way. It is a sin that lasts a lifetime. not just for you, but for everyone you love. It never goes away and the hurt always leaves scars. No one escapes unharmed from affairs. Apologies for affairs are cheap on their own. Having one and then trying to "fix" it later with your spouse will be the most work you ever do in your whole life... if you can do it. You may end up shunned, divorced and publicly shamed for life with many people you know. And every relationship you have..male or female... Will always be affected by it.

2. This person is better than my spouse--- Yeah. right. Anyone who would lie, cheat and steal from you, your kids and spouse is a good person. It is just the opposite in fact, this person is the worst type. Do you really want to be with someone like yourself? A liar, cheater and thief? A person who uses someone else for their own gratification?

1. I'll never get caught. We've never been anywhere where someone knows us and we've been careful.--Except you can never have an affair in complete secrecy. Someone always sees you.. Checking into a hotel, in a park, driving in a car... Email and internet correspondence is rarely private and is out there forever... You simply don't know who you will run across years later and maybe end up friends with... or your spouse for that matter. Someone who checked you into the motel...Someone who was at the gas station or park... It's never really on the sly. Someone always knows.

CV
Ps. please feel free to add!

just saw pep's thread... looks like she covered a lot in there... Maybe we could combine this to hers?

Yours is an excellent thread/list.

Keep going .....

Another one or two...

11. You have thought or said "I love you like a brother/friend", whatever to your spouse--- Why do you think that? It is because you don't want to have to face the reality of what you are doing. If you tell yourself that you love your AP, then it is somehow "better". In fact all you are doing is compounding your problem. This is a lie you have convinced yourself of. You haven't fallen out of love and your love hasn't changed. What you've one is thrown a few hundred pounds of poo on top of your feelings to cover the stink of what you are doing.

12. I can work this out of we separate.--- Nope. in fact, one of two things will happen. 1. This really is a ruse to keep going without being caught, or 2. Your time apart will compound the problem after everything you have said and done. Why? because you haven't broken it off with your AP and come clean. You are receiving input from one source and it's a tainted one. You need to be home. With your spouse. Not apart.

13. I cry out to God "WHY!?!?!" but he doesn't answer me. How come?--- Because He already has. God says to flee from immorality. Like Joseph did with potipher's wife. Run as fast and far as you can in the other direction. It's not that He hasn't answered, it's that you don't like the answer.

awesome, CV! great thread for waywards to chew on....

Thanks! Please feel free to add to it!

CV

WW to AP: �My husband knows. He doesn�t know specifically about you yet, but he�s digging furiously and I believe he�s going to find out everything.�

AP to WW: �You know, when he finds out about us, he�ll never forgive you. That�s just the way guys are. He will NEVER forgive you.�

How do you begin to parse the lessons from this little exchange? Did my WW finally get a moment of clarity about their �relationship� after this exchange?

Her impression was that this was AP�s last-ditch effort to get her to commit to him. Convincing her that her marriage was over left him as the obvious standing choice.

She�s probably right in her top-level assessment, but I got a lot more from this exchange than she interpreted.

First: here�s an admission from him that he knew from the start that their involvement would destroy her marriage, damage her relationships with her children, extended family, and etcetera. He knew that ultimately, he was all that she would have left; she would be trapped, his captive, to use as he pleased. The price she paid for their involvement was moot. The gain for him was the only consideration. Tell me: where is there any indication that this man actually cared for my WW?

Second: he�s opened a window into his soul. He doesn�t know me at all. He can�t speak for me. This is nothing but projection. Let me interpret his statement honestly, following to its logical conclusion: �I would never forgive you if you did this to me; you could never be trusted. Since you�re doing it WITH me, I will never trust you, as you�ve proven yourself untrustworthy by engaging in this extramarital relationship with me. I will use you for my sexual gratification, use you as an aid in career advancement, share in your substantial income, and work with you as long as there is a clear advantage for me to do so, but I will never commit to you. I will continue to engage with other women and keep my options open. You are an adulterer; untrustworthy.�

Third: yet another layered subtext to this message: �Sorry you find yourself in this mess, little lady, but you�re on your own. Yes, I know I�ve aggressively pursued you romantically for the four years I�ve known you. Yes, I know I�m at least equally culpable in the wreck that is your life at the moment. Yes, I know I�ve indicated to you that I�m strong, courageous, loyal and caring. Sneaking around tapping someone else�s wife is one thing, facing the BS is another thing entirely. I�m going to cancel my Facebook account, cancel my home phone number, get a new cell number, and do my utmost to disappear. I may be horny, but I�m not stupid! Good luck! It was fun while it lasted!�

Finnigan�s posts yesterday made me think of this exchange and its meaning. Looks like she ended up where my wife was headed. Finnigan hooked up with the same type of man, but followed him to her demise. Thankfully, my wife came to her senses before her AP destroyed her.

Anyway, It�s my fervent hope that posting this will help open someone�s eyes at some point, help someone see through the fog, and provide at least a glimpse of the truth concerning illicit �soulmates.�

Question about # 12:

12. I can work this out of we separate.--- Nope. in fact, one of two things will happen. 1. This really is a ruse to keep going without being caught, or 2. Your time apart will compound the problem after everything you have said and done. Why? because you haven't broken it off with your AP and come clean. You are receiving input from one source and it's a tainted one. You need to be home. With your spouse. Not apart.



So what about plan B ?

Thanks, CV!! This is a great thread...and should ring true for waywards. I believe all of those things have gone through my head when I was contemplating moving forward with that other "relationship"...except "I'll never get caught."

I've heard that everything done in the dark comes to the light.

"... but you know he will beat your a$$ bloody"

Hmmm. And you so seemed like the nice, church-going type . . .

Godly men are not meek.
They are warriors.

A little good-natured ribbing of CV . . .

I loved your post, BTW.

Thank you, Pepperband. Trying to pay forward and help when and if I can.

I would rather say that we have a skewed idea of what "meekness" is. Jesus was the perfect example of Meekness. Gentle, kind, peaceful in most cases but willing to kick some moneychanger butt when needed.

...and Godly women are strong, and, quite frankly, don't take no bull.

Honeysage, this thread is talking about WSs and THEIR thoughts, but I will address your question as well.

There is ALWAYS a risk to separation, but the risk to the BS when they do NOT separate(and PLAN B)is more important. That is why a BS needs to Plan A until they need to protect themselves. The BS can suffer great emotional tolls by not entering Plan B, especially with the WS carrying on the A right under the BSs nose. NOT FUN.

I can think of no better example than Esther/Haddassah. If you watch "One Night With the King"...well, you'll see.