Hi,
This is my first post here. I have been reading your stories, similar to mine.
We have had a tumultuous year. My DH was having EA with his supervisor at work since about a year ago. He started visiting her at her home this January while I was home with the kids, asleep. She lives 40 miles away. I was in complete denial. I am 44, he is 45, OW is 47. We have been married 21 years and have 5 children.
D-day was March 12. I asked him to get rid of her or have a divorce. He sat on the fence for a month. I could not eat or sleep. I felt like a hand was reaching inside my stomach and pulling my guts out. I have lost 35 lbs.
He broke it off w/ her April 11. She begged him behind my back to continue text msg relationship, said she'd do anything for him. I found out May 29, and he ended it for good June 6. She was transferred to another work location 30 miles away. He agreed to a block on her number, and we had the best summer ever, rediscovering our love for eachother, about 3-6 hours of complete undivided attention to eachother every day, no matter what, even though we had work and a lot of family problems with our kids. We were happy and having more fun than we'd ever had in our lives. We had the marriage we had always dreamed of, even better than when we first fell in love.
In Spetmeber, when school started, unbeknownst to me, they began seeing eachother again on the sly while I was at work and the kids were at school. She gave him a secret phone to talk to her on. This went on from Sept 16 to Oct 14. No sex but meeting for lunch, kissing, and declarations of love, all of this while he was loving me intensely and being very attentive. My intuition became too much, and he fessed up last Sunday and asked me to go with him to return the secret phone. I told her boss on her and emailed her kids. She is very angry with me and sends me messages that my husband is in love with her, not happy with me, and I am holding him hostage with my threats of divorce if he doesn't cease contact with her. She says my husband doesn't love me and misses her and thinks about her the whole time he's with me. She won't let go. She calls him at work. He feels sorry for her. I can't live in this marriage with her influence over him hanging over my head, and how much he's lied about it. He says he wants it to be done with too, but he is too nice to her when she calls him at work. She is pathetic and won't go away. What can I do? She is very tenacious and will suck him back in again. He is being very honest right now, but I thought he was before! Three D-days now with the same POSOW... I can barely function. I live to be with him.
Thanks for reading.

Hello, iaint, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. I quoted the above comment because it is the basis of your problem. Your husband refuses to end contact with her. He leaves the door wide open by allowing her to contact him. If he were serious he would be filing a restraining order against her but I assure he is not serious. She would never be able to get through if he took steps to stop it, but he won't do that.

That makes him very dangerous to you.


I would implore you to go into Plan B, which is a separation. What your husband is doing to you is extremely abusive and will continue to erode your mental and physical health. Ask your husband to move out first and then follow the recommendations for Plan B in the article on the notable posts thread in the announcements forum.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Iaint, this is not to blame you for his affair, but I think that one of your troubles is, when you allowed him to sit on the fence for a month before ending his affair, he got the idea that you weren't serious about his having to end it.

Your husband, right now, is a cruel SOB. He actually asked YOU to go WITH him to return his booty-phone to OW? What would've been wrong with your just dropping the darned thing into the nearest deep river with him observing? Why put you through the pain of dragging you off to see his mistress? He wanted your presence there in order to validate his relationship with her, not to end it.

Yes, exactly. If he were serious about ending it, he'd get his work number changed. Just like if he were serious, he'd have smashed the booty-phone himself, in your presence, without the ridiculous proposition that you tag along with him to return it to OW. He's not serious, because he doesn't think YOU are.

The guy he is now, isn't worth keeping. Maybe he'll change, but not before you make it clear to him that he's out of second chances.

Hi there,

Unless you want this to continue you have to draw the line in the sand, and tell him he either choses you or he moves on........
Since he has refused to get serious and keep his word I would ask him to move out.........
MelodyLane has suggested what we call Plan B I think that is an excellent plan for you, this can be save but you have to have a good plan, stick to it ......no wishy washy part for you, firm, compassionate, loving...........but stop being his door mat.......
This is so easy, he blocks her #, email and just simply refuses to speak to her, he will have to leave the job so the contact between them can't continue.......
she is gone or he will be from his marriage and his family......It is time for reality to hit fantasy square in the face for him.....
You can't control what the OW does or even what your husband does but you can control things from your end............he is a big boy he needs to grow up.....I would expose the affair to everyone important to him and the OW and then go to Plan B.
You think the OW is powerful you are wrong remember this what she didn't count on in all this is the power you have, you have a history, you have a family......
Don't let her take your life, show her she has underestimated YOU!!!!!!!
Now stop wallowing and start working, fight for what is yours, nothing is off limits.......out smart her ..........

IAint, in reading your post I don't see that you have exposed the affair to anyone other than OW kids and boss. Is this correct ? Does OW have a husband ?

I am speaking to you as a wayward wife and I can tell you that EXPOSURE works to kill affairs dead. Do you understand this ?

IAint, how do you know they have not been sexual with each other ? If they are meeting during the day and exchanging declarations of love, I am most certain they are doing more than kissing. WAYWARDS LIE. I know because I was a wayward and I lied like crazy, and I said something very similar to what your husband is saying !! I know you want to believe him, because you love him. But PLEASE don't assume he's being honest with you. I am sorry .

Out and out LIE.

Do you have a hidden GPS on his vehicle?

Copy these messages down ( I assume these are voice messages) .... and send the copy to her BOSS at work. Tell them you have the voice message saved.

Tell your husband he is FREE to go.
Tell your husband he is not your prisoner.
Tell your husband he has 5 seconds to make his choice.
He is either IN the marriage 100% or he is OUT.
Do not make this an idol threat.
If after 5 seconds he is not 100%, pack his bag and kick his butt OUT.
Tell your children WHY Daddy is moving out.
"Dad had another woman and he has chosen to keep her."


He is either 100% married to you, or he is ZERO %. He has 5 seconds to make up his mind.
In fact, make sure the kids are sitting with you when you tell Dad to make up his mind.

He's in desperate need to a swift kick in his derri�re to knock his sorry butt off the fence.

What this woman is doing is sexual harassment and you need to escalate this with their employer.

PS

Brat is an attorney.
Follow her lead.

Yes, this is sexual harassment. It�s time for you to take action to force him off the fence. You started exposure, but need to expand it. Expose to your family, close friends, and your kids.

Expose to the employer and let them know that she is your H�s supervisor and that this could lead to a sexual harassment lawsuit and is against company policy.

Finally, be prepared to go to Plan B. Your H will capitulate quickly. Fence sitters usually don�t want to let go of their spouses.

But the way for you to move forward and save your marriage is to take action, which means exposure. Find out if OW is married and expose to OWH.

I have a gut feeling your H will capitulate quickly once you take the necessary steps.

Hire an attorney to send a cease/desist letter to OW's superiors.

As a BS, this is one of the WORST mistakes that you can make....believing that your WS is finally being "honest". If there is still contact, you cannot believe this for one second.

In fact, I can point to a part of your post that I am 100% certain he is lying:


Two people in an "EA" for a year while secretly meeting at night? Hon, this is a PA. No doubt. You will want to be tested for STDs and be careful from now on...

Agree with the others regarding exposure & Plan B. Hang in there.

Iaint...I have been in your shoes. I experienced 3 D-days, and I allowed my WH to sit on the fence waaay too long. I have to agree with Jess on this. It wasn't until I finally gave him an ultimatum after 7 months that he finally decided to change his ways... that along with exposure to OW's parents and siblings. I was too afraid before that to stand up to him for fear I would lose him for good. But my health had finally hit rock bottom, and I was on the verge of hating him, so I knew I had to take action.

I told him I would not be an enabler to his disgustings ways anymore. I would no longer be a doormat. I was prepared to let him go, and I told him that. He had to give 110% now or I was no longer in the picture. He almost instantly changed his ways, and we are currently in recovery. If you want your marriage to stand a chance, you must act now.

Yes, I am very fed up and have made it very clear that I am prepared to go on without WH. I told him that whether he fails or succeeds in his resolve to maintain no contact, I am going to be the one who comes out on top. I have proven for over 9 months that I am the best wife in the world. ANY man would do this for me - love only me, be faithful to me, not step out on me. If I decide firmly that I am done with WH, a hundred men would be interested in his position. He knows this, and now he knows that I know it, and I don't have to put up with any more lies.

OW is an ugly-looking person who has revealed herself to be ugly on the inside, too. I told him if he wants her, he deserves her and he's going to do it without me and this house to come home to.

I may have misrepresented the phone story. The whole family went to return it. I answered it when she tried to call him - told her off on her own phone right in front of him and then brought her the f-ing thing.

I exposed to everyone in our family the first d-day 7 months ago. This time OW had to face some consequences - mainly the likelihood of losing her job. WH exposed it this time, to our kids & his dad. I told my mom and sister, because I needed to talk to them.

I am going to get well. I am going to get thru this. I do feel that I need some surveillance equipment to put my mind at ease though. I am worried about it at work to the point where I can't concentrate - for 7 months now. my performance is suffering there. WH is taking leave from his job now to take care of me and the kids and the house and come see me for lunch while I am working. How can I ever be certain after all this?

Thank you for all your responses. Some of you were a little rough. I appreciate the advice, though.

Did you read our posts? The problem is that your husband has not ended contact with her. You know that without having any surveillance. The fact that he takes her phone calls means the affair is not over and will never be over until he stops that.

So quit talking the talk and walk the walk.

Iaint, you have been in Plan A for 7 months. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of MArriage Builders, recommends that women DO NOT exceed 3 to 4 WEEKS of Plan A because many suffer nervous breakdowns and suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Here you are at 7 months and your husband STILL has no plan to cut off contact with the OW. He continues to take her calls. There is no plan here to prevent that.

I would strongly advise you and your H to get a plan in place that ENSURES she can never contact him or you really should separate before you suffer a nervous breakdown. What your husband is doing is ABUSE, plain and simple. It is like being physically assaulted by your husband every day for 7 months.

Please protect yourself.