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I'm new on here but I need help. I cheated on my wife and hurt her severely you all know her as loves David and I want to keep it that way. I'm just getting lost in how to help her heal. Every time I think I'm doing good it turns out I'm not I'm tired of seeing her hurt. So I'm on here to get some advice

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Originally Posted by dtl
I'm new on here but I need help. I cheated on my wife and hurt her severely you all know her as loves David and I want to keep it that way. I'm just getting lost in how to help her heal. Every time I think I'm doing good it turns out I'm not I'm tired of seeing her hurt. So I'm on here to get some advice
Welcome to MB, dtl. I am very happy to see you posting here.

Could you let us know how much of the MB programme you have studied so far? Which of Dr Harley's books have you read? Have you read any of the free articles on this website?

Remind us also, please, whether you and your wife have coached with the coaching centre, or started the online course.

Finally, what have your recent conflicts been about? Can you describe the most recent one?

BSs here know what we would like to see in our FWSs, and we can help you become the spouse that LuvsDavid needs.


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Originally Posted by dtl
I'm new on here but I need help. I cheated on my wife and hurt her severely you all know her as loves David and I want to keep it that way. I'm just getting lost in how to help her heal. Every time I think I'm doing good it turns out I'm not I'm tired of seeing her hurt. So I'm on here to get some advice

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make our marriage work."

Every day, or more frequently, ask your wife:

"What can I do for you today?"

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Originally Posted by dtl
I'm tired of seeing her hurt.

Advice:

Drop this attitude. This is a selfish attitude. Can you see that?
Recovery is not about what you are tired of seeing.

Next time you see her hurt, go to her.
Offer to hold her.
Offer to comfort her.

WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES


You're tired?
Try being the hurting one.
I bet she is tired as hell from hurting so much for so long.

Man up.


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Now ........

Welcome to Marriage Builders ~~~~ dance2

We are happy as pigs in mud to have you here.

Read
Ask
Work

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My husband helps me when he is patient with me. He does what I ask him to do in terms of helping me heal. If I ask for more hugs...I get them. If I ask for him to be more considerate with his time, he asks what I'm doing and if I care if he does something else for awhile.

I think mostly we former betrayed spouses just want our formerly unfaithful partners to want to make us happy - to want to make our marriages great. We want you guys to be as invested as we are and to show it. Heck, in some ways I think we expect you to lead MORE in the recovery department to help make amends.

If you truly want to show your wife your commitment to the future, pick up one of the books and read it. Do the workbook questionnaires. Basically, initiate! That will impress upon your wife that you are there for the long haul.

The thing about the MB program that is like no other is that it is WIN WIN. There's no, "lets berate the guy for cheating!" There's changes BOTH parties make to give you the best chance possible at happiness.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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We have read his needs her needs done the emotional needs questions and are reading love busters. She wants me to take charge of what to do to create a plan to follow and I really want to show her that I want it I'm just really lost at where to start. I know she is in a lot of pain
We have not done any coaching
Are biggest conflict is I'm not taking charge to create a plan and I've got to open up more about my past

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Originally Posted by dtl
We have read his needs her needs done the emotional needs questions and are reading love busters. She wants me to take charge of what to do to create a plan to follow and I really want to show her that I want it I'm just really lost at where to start. I know she is in a lot of pain
We have not done any coaching
Are biggest conflict is I'm not taking charge to create a plan and I've got to open up more about my past
I get the impression that your wife has to coax you regularly to do the MB work, and she had to drag you by the nose to post here. Am I right in this?


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Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way

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Originally Posted by dtl
Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way
Can you tell me why you haven't been falling over yourself trying to do the MB work? Why have you been reluctant so far?

There might be more than one reason. Please think hard about this and answer as fully as you can.


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Originally Posted by dtl
Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way .......


Our biggest conflict is I'm not taking charge to create a plan....


Welcome to MB

I have three questions for you that I've pulled from your posts....

What are you going to do to take the lead?

What plan are you planning to create?

What are the steps you plan to stick with?





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

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Keep posting dtl.
Keep posting.

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Originally Posted by dtl
The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

So if you're doing the worksheets then what are your wife's top EN?

Also, what are you doing to fill her needs?

What are your EP that you have told her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by dtl
The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

Thanks for answering my questions, it can get a little overwhelming in the beginning.


I was pretty lost when I showed up on these forums too.

Just keep posting, the help will show up, OK.


The best part about MB is they already have a plan in place and all you have to do is start at the beginning and just keep moving forward.

I've not read your wife's thread, but I'm betting you've already done a NC letter?? Is that right? The NC letter is the very first step in beginning recovery.
Let's start there..






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I'm a BH and I can tell you that just coming here and posting is something your BW will appreciate. What have you done to try and heal the wounds that you've caused?

My suggestion is to call one of the MB Coaches if you can afford it. That is the quickest and best solution to your problems. It may cost a few dollars, but it's cheaper than a lawyer.

If you can't, then may I suggest you do what I wish my FWW would do. I'm not sure this would work in your case, but you might ask your wife and see what she thinks.

1.) Show your wife that you understand why you had the affairs. Hint: Do not blame your wife; ever. I if do, pack your bags and leave. Explain to her what needs these other women were meetings. Explain to your wife how she can meet your needs is a way that you want. Explain HOW you won't let it happen again. Another hint: boundaries, honesty, joint decisions.

2.) Go one step further and dig deep inside and tell her the truth about why you didn't end these affairs before they got physical and why you didn't have the b***s to confess. She needs to know why her husband could hurt her so badly. Don't worry, every WS has their own reasons and justifications. Just tell her the truth and move on. She needs to know.

3.) Meet your wives top 5 needs! Buy the HSHN book and read it twice. Do this and your wife will fall back in love with you. I know what you're thinking, "She does love me." No she doesn't. Why should she? Get working on that.

4.) This is the most important step and do not skip it. Do this today if you have the time. Make a list of extraordinary precautions and give them to your wife. Click here to see a very good list to start with: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374198&page=1

5.) Tell her everything she wants and don't lie. Once this is done, take a polygraph to show her you told her the truth about it all and that there in nothing else you're hiding.

6.) Show her you truly understand how badly she's hurt by all of this. I don't think waywards can ever really know how it feels. But let me tell you that I would have rather had my wife walk up to me and blow my head off with a .45 instead of cheating on me and our family.

If there is such a thing as a "living hell", it's living as a BS when your WS doesn't "get it". How do you show her you get it? Ask her.

Good luck. I hope you man up and take care of your wife. Even if you divorce you owe it to her to help her get past all of this crap.

Last edited by unhappybs; 10/24/11 07:53 AM.
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The Link that unhappybs posted is one of my threads that I started to help FWS's with EP's...

Lets take it one step at a time before you attempt to tackle the EP's though.

There are several critical things that need to happen first, OK!

First things first, did you do a NC Letter? If so, tell me how it was done.




Last edited by HerPapaBear; 10/24/11 08:48 AM.




Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by dtl
The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

DTL: Welcome to MBs and it is AWESOME that you are working the program.

I think what we've all seen from LuvsDavid's posts is that you would make HUGE deposits in her Love Bank if you did something concrete with the program every day. I'm sure it doesn't have to be as extensive as reading a full chapter every day in the book, but a mixture of big and small things that will demonstrate to her that you mean business.

I'm reminded of a friend who wanted a promotion. Every day, he got up and while he was drinking his coffee, he wrote down ONE concrete thing he could do at work that day that would help him get that promotion ... eventually.

You've mentioned that writing things down would help. I'd also suggest that each week, you could sit Luv's down and look ahead to your week to plan out undivided attention time, which will help you automatically meet her top emotional needs. AND that will help you get your emotional needs met.

Concrete steps. Every day. Sounds like work, I know. But eventually -- and in not too long of a time -- it won't feel forced. It will be your new habit, one that makes you happy and makes her estatic, too.

That's the wonderful "trick" about Marriage Builders. It changes your habits to better ones -- habits that make for stronger and loving relationships.

Cheers,
SP


Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=35
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Her most important need is openness and honesty
and I'm trying to meet that need I know I still need to work at that a lot though. I grew up having to keep everything in but I'm working on it
being new to this what is EP and NC

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Originally Posted by dtl
Her most important need is openness and honesty
and I'm trying to meet that need I know I still need to work at that a lot though. I grew up having to keep everything in but I'm working on it
being new to this what is EP and NC
Extraordinary precautions: steps you take all day, all the time, in order not to get close to a woman other than your wife.

No contact: what it sounds like, with your former affair partner. No texts, emails, phone calls, meetings, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, no contact, nothing, for the rest of your life.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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