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Don't cover her butt, man. You do her no favors. If she is having ethical issues with controlled substances she needs help, needs intervention. Addressing this NOW, she would receive help and preserve her licensure, which WILL BE AT RISK if she continues on this path.

Quit lollygagging, exposure of these issues is the ONLY compassionate option available.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Thanks to all that have replied so far. I do appreciate the advice given. To sum up what I've read so far from everyone, I've done Plan A long enough, and need to go Plan B, which was something I was about to do back in August, when I initially consulted with the attorney. But when she lost her job, the atty. said we needed to wait until she was employed again. So I'm stuck there, for now, until she finds a job again. Understood, about providing a drama free environment for my son, as well. Him and I do have a close relationship, and I do talk to him about his mom's poor choices and why they are bad. As for his attitude towards his mom, he loves her, but has given up any expectations for her to come home, still wishes she would, but isn't wasting any time thinking about it anymore, kind of checked himself out from the whole mess. When WW comes to visit him, they always get along good, and there has been no drama since 7-5-11, when the EMTs were here looking for WW when she had her last suicide attempt.

So in my situation, am I better off to just do Plan B and hope for her affair to end, or do exposure, in spite of OM's violent history? WW always says OM has never done anything bad to her, but I say she should never trust him. How about contacting OM with the truth about WW still seeing me? I do know that he is already paranoid about WW leaving him again, and thinks that they are exclusive to each other, in spite of his own straying. He has no idea that there is anything between WW and I, so if he knew, I'm sure it would cause him to kick her out, but again I'd be worried about him snapping and hurting her.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
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So in my situation, am I better off to just do Plan B and hope for her affair to end, or do exposure, in spite of OM's violent history?
I would suggest that you expose immediately. Be ready to go to Plan B if exposure doesn't end the affair.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Can you file for divorce on grounds of adultery and abandonment and get full possession of the house and primary custody of your son? That is what I would do if I were you.

And to whom would you expose the affair? Who all knows about it now?

Is she a drug addict?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In our state, when someone is reported through 911 as attempting suicide, it immediately becomes a law enforcement issue, and the patient is put under law enforcement custody, as soom as the hospital can medically clear them. Then an officer handcuffs the patient right in the hospital, before transporting them to a behavioral health inpatient facility, in our case, 45 minutes from the hospital. once arriving at that facility, the patient is put under a minimum 72 hour hold, longer if advised by the doctor in charge, until counseling, and a care plan is put in place. Also, the patient is in the court system and is under a 90 day probation, where she has to abide by the care plan, in WW's case meaning she had to attend weekly IC sessions, or would be found in contempt of court. So alot of follow up has taken place, due to her attempts. In addition, when her work found out, she was mandated to be subject to random drug screening, monthly, for 2 years, which is a much higher frequency of testing than the rest of the employees get.

FWIW, she claims after this last attempt, that she knew she did wrong right away, and says thats why she called 911 on herself, and after counseling, realises how stupid she was, to let OM's rejection at that time push her to do it. The time before, 12-14-10, if DS15 had not found her when he did, she would have been dead within minutes...I just hope that I don't have to go through anything like this again, which is another reason to see this affair broken up because she's addicted to POSOM.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
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Originally Posted by woodsman
if DS15 had not found her when he did, she would have been dead within minutes...I just hope that I don't have to go through anything like this again

I find it curious you really skim over DS15's response to this horrible trauma.
Where is your obligation and determination to protect him from this unstable woman?
He must dread every time he walks through the door ..... not knowing what he will find.

Last edited by Pepperband; 10/23/11 07:44 PM.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by woodsman
if DS15 had not found her when he did, she would have been dead within minutes...I just hope that I don't have to go through anything like this again

I find it curious you really skim over DS15's response to this horrible trauma.
Where is your obligation and determination to protect him from this unstable woman?
He must dread every time he walks through the door ..... not knowing what he will find.


I concur with this. woodsman, your wife is clearly very unstable and not a safe person. My first reaction would be to get legal protection for you and your son. File for divorce, expose the affair, and go into Plan B. Change your locks. Get her out of your lives. Some day if she ever straightens out, you could consider allowing her back into your lives, but there is nothing to save here. Your main focus should only be on protecting your son and yourself.

A wayward like your wife is very dangerous to a teenage child. If your son has any rebellious tendencies, she will zero in on that and use it to exploit him. I scanned through the above to see if she is a drug addict but couldn't find it. She ACTS like an addict and Plan A is NOT supposed to be used on an addict. An addict is a user with sick emotions. They will only use Plan A to exploit a BS and his children.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What about contacting OM about what has really gone on, between WW and I? Has anyone else done that? Of course I'm concerned about him hurting WW. I thought about copying a Father's Day card she gave me this year and sending it to OM. In the card, above the verse inside, she wrote, "Dearest (BH)" and under the verse, she wrote, "You are a wonderful husband, father, and friend! :)" Maybe not as direct as telling what all WW and I have done together, but at least throwing doubt into his head, about the real relationship between WW and I. IDK...


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
I found MB website February 2011
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woodsman, I don't think that is going to achieve much. I can understand trying to kill an affair to save a marriage, but this has so many more problems that contacting the OM seems to be a distraction. I would focus more on protecting yourself and your son from her. Get away from her; protect yourself legally. You cannot save her and she cannot be a part of a marriage as she is.
\
Your son will never be the same after finding her like this. He needs protection from her. She is a dangerous adult.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I live in a no-fault state, although I'm told a judge can take adultry into account. My atty, over 30 years experience in divorce law in our state, does not want to file until she either gets her old job back (which her union is fighting for her and believes she was wrongly terminated for), or if she gets a new job.

Exposure...I would do it mostly through Facebook, although OM is not on FB, or OM's mother. All of my family and WW's family know about it, all support me, but will say nothing to WW, with the possible exception of one of WW's brothers. He is really fed up with WW's choice to be with OM, not just because we had a pretty good marriage, but now WW never contacts anyone in her family, unless they call her first. He feels that he will never be able to visit her, as long as she's with OM, and would rather punch OM in the face, than talk to him, he just told me that the other day. The majority of exposure targets would be her FB friends and a few family/ex-family members, who all are aquainted with OM through work. But this is where I need some guidance, as everyone knows they are together, but I'm sure are under the impression that WW has been done with me, they have no idea of what really has gone on, between WW and me. Hate to say it, but since the end of August, it has felt like I'm the one having the affair with my own wife, and that's what would be the point to expose, IDK?

She is definitely not a drug addict, never was. The only abuse has been in her trying to commit suicide. If there is any addiction, it was/is to OM, because of having fallings out with him, is what caused her to want to do away with herself. Until she got involved in this affair, she never had any tendencies like this. I feel that she really is like an alien, like I have seen pointed out so much with other waywards discussed on this board.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
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Originally Posted by woodsman
I live in a no-fault state, although I'm told a judge can take adultry into account. My atty, over 30 years experience in divorce law in our state, does not want to file until she either gets her old job back (which her union is fighting for her and believes she was wrongly terminated for), or if she gets a new job.

I don't see how he is protecting you, though. Your wife can come home, take your child, take your money, do whatever she chooses and you have no protection at all. He is leaving you wide open. Attorneys typically are very lazy and tend to take the easier, softer way. [less work for them] What he is doing does nothing to protect you. And it seems like you would be at a major legal advantage given her adultery and abandonment. You won't have that advantage if she decides to move home. And she may do that. She is now living with another man so it would be very hard for her get any alimony from you. Secondly, she doesn't have the money to fight anything. You could go for 100% custody [especially given her suicides and the fact that she did this in front of your child] with no visitation and full possession of the house.

What is he waiting for? That is not something you should stand for, woodsman.

Quote
I feel that she really is like an alien, like I have seen pointed out so much with other waywards discussed on this board.

I have never seen anything like this in my 10 years on this board unless it was a drug addict or an alcoholic. That is why I asked. Her behavior is not typical of what we would see from a WS.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks for pointing out my use of "I" instead of "we", in referring to WW's suicide attempt. That was a foolish oversight on my part. Of course I don't want my son to have to experience anything like that again, many tears were shed by all of us, when this happened. Maybe because it was over 10 months ago, and lots has happened since then, I've become a bit numb to the memory of it. Plus, after her July attempt, she did recieve more intense counseling, and was released early from her probation, based on her counselors reccomendation. I can say that I can tell a difference in how she views the July attempt, with disgust at herself, saying how stupid it was, she will never do it again...compared to the Dec'10 attempt, where she was mad that she was saved.

Other than her leaving the last time for OM in mid July, there has been no more drama from her, other than not ending the affair. If anything, more than ever before, she is starting to show some remorse over all she has caused.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
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Protect yourself and DS15. That is your mission. Sorry you're dealing with such craziness.

***EDIT***


Last edited by Ariel; 10/23/11 09:49 PM. Reason: TOS: link to non MB resource.

BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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I will have to get another consult with him on that, I am not really sure now, why he said at that time to hold off, I just remember him saying something about it not being good that she was jobless at that time. I do remember from my first consult with him, before WW lost her job, that he said it would usually NOT be advisable to push the suicide issue in court, because if WW had a good atty, they could counter with something like WW may need support from me for psych care...not sure if I got that completely right, I will have to ask more questions of my atty on that.

What I do know is that in WW's family, there have been alcoholics, including her oldest son, SS30, so perhaps there is some sort of hereditary tendency towards addictions? But like I said, WW herself has never had any issues in that regard. I did just remember something, though, about one of her scripts that she was on, Adderol, which she was prescribed to help keep her alert. She was told, at behavioral health, after the July attempt, that that drug could have influenced her to be more inpulsive...perhaps enough to push her over the edge and try to off herself? I do know, that before the July attempt, she was on I think 5 different scripts, for depression, anti-anxiety, for sleeping, and the adderol for alertness. After the july attempt, the Behavioral health docs cut that down to I think 2 scripts. I have never been a fan of all her scripts in the past, and question how closely her regular doc was looking at all she was prescribed, between her and WW's previous counselor. FWIW, WW has said, since being released this last time, that she feels more in check, in her head, more in balance.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
I found MB website February 2011
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Originally Posted by woodsman
Other than her leaving the last time for OM in mid July, there has been no more drama from her, other than not ending the affair. If anything, more than ever before, she is starting to show some remorse over all she has caused.

Just not remorseful enough to stop her abhorrent behavior, though. She is still with the OM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It's far more important MrRollieEyes to discuss OM's possible ED MrRollieEyes and need for pharmaceutical assistance. MrRollieEyes

NO ONE CARES!!!!


If WW stops her adultery with this OM because OM can't get it up, she will simply move onto the next guy/OM who can.

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"because if WW had a good atty, they could counter with something like WW may need support from me for psych care...not sure if I got that completely right, I will have to ask more questions of my atty on that."

How would she afford a good attorney if she has no job? My suggestion would be to hire an attorney, and you tell him what you want and tell him to make that happen. Just asking an attorney what he thinks is going to result in a big fat nothing for you because they tend to take the path of least resistance if allowed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Listen to these good people, they only want the best for you. They know what they are talking about.

I totally agree with the amazing Melody. Get and attorney and act. Yes it is good to know your rights etc. But act. You can always stop these things later, or prolong it for whatever reason.

Make sure you look after your own rights first. Beieve me, I am learning this the very hard way, and would hate for anyone to be in the situation I'm in right now.
Make sure it is a good attorney, tell him to make what you want happen, happen and now.

Take care, you are in my prayers.


D-Day 13 Sep 2011
Married 19 years
My age 40
WH age 46
Children Boy 8 girl 6
Currently trying to get my children back. He took them for 3 hours on 10/19/2011
WS left 10/18/2011
As soon as my children are home again I will be working on the darkest Plan B possible
My marriage is over !
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
"woodsman, I don't think that is going to achieve much. I can understand trying to kill an affair to save a marriage, but this has so many more problems that contacting the OM seems to be a distraction. I would focus more on protecting yourself and your son from her. Get away from her; protect yourself legally. You cannot save her and she cannot be a part of a marriage as she is."

Maybe this is a dumb question, but in your opinion, what would you need to see from WW, that would suggest that it is safe for us to have her come home, assuming of course that the affair is over? I have made her aware of the EPs that would have to be in place, starting with a NC letter. Is there more than the suicide attempts, that are putting up red flags here? I realise the suicide attempts are aweful, but otherwise I hope I haven't portrayed WW as someone worse than she is.

"Your son will never be the same after finding her like this. He needs protection from her. She is a dangerous adult."

I just had a talk with DS15 about this, to see where he was in his mind about it. He seems to have put it behind him, of course it was painful and traumatic for him at the time. I know that after the fact, WW did apologise to him for what he had to experience. DS15 and WW do get along good and in spite of her affair, I think he looks at any time he gets with WW as glass-half-full moments, if that makes sense. When this happened, I did seek out counseling through the high school for DS15, and was in touch regularely with his counselors and advisors throughout this whole mess, by all accounts he's coping very well with all of it, arguably better at times than myself.


Me-BH-47
Her-WW-48
married 16 years
DS-15
3 SS(her sons)-30,25,24
OM-39,married and divorced 3 times by age 38
PA started 6-14-10, has been on, off, on, off multiple times since then. WW currently living with OM since 7-16-11.
DDay 6-28-10
I found MB website February 2011
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Originally Posted by woodsman
Maybe this is a dumb question, but in your opinion, what would you need to see from WW, that would suggest that it is safe for us to have her come home, assuming of course that the affair is over? I have made her aware of the EPs that would have to be in place, starting with a NC letter. Is there more than the suicide attempts, that are putting up red flags here? I realise the suicide attempts are aweful, but otherwise I hope I haven't portrayed WW as someone worse than she is.

I would insist on some intensive psychiatric help.

Quote
"Your son will never be the same after finding her like this. He needs protection from her. She is a dangerous adult."

I just had a talk with DS15 about this, to see where he was in his mind about it. He seems to have put it behind him, of course it was painful and traumatic for him at the time. I know that after the fact, WW did apologise to him for what he had to experience. DS15 and WW do get along good and in spite of her affair, I think he looks at any time he gets with WW as glass-half-full moments, if that makes sense. When this happened, I did seek out counseling through the high school for DS15, and was in touch regularely with his counselors and advisors throughout this whole mess, by all accounts he's coping very well with all of it, arguably better at times than myself.


I don't think an apology is going to do it. Boys don't like talking about trauma, but it doesn't mean they just got over it. I would just make sure she is not in a position to ever do that again.

woodsman, I was thinking about this last night and I think you can't lose if you file for divorce and go into Plan B. You win with either outcome because if she doesn't end the affair, straighten up, and commit to this program, you will be divorced; if she does, then you have a recovered marriage. The worst thing you can do is remain in Plan C where she gets her needs met in both place.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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