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I will let him plan the day, as long as he doesnt take me to a trigger spot. 2 weeks ago he wanted to go to a festival in the town right next to one of the ow- right next door. how do i handle that?

he asked about reading my post i said yes then no- i think it will hurt him to read and he is getting great advice here now. thoughts?


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Don't you just hate triggers? I still get triggers and I'm almost at two years but the good thing is it isn't as excruciating as the first few months after d-day. I still ask my H not to go through OW2 neck of the woods and drive 10-15 minutes around to avoid her neighborhood.

Wished my H will post here but that's wishful thinking.

Jennifer is awesome and I learnt so much from the coaching, I would love it if my H would apply what we've learned in our marriage. Jennifer just ask for an update (again) and I dread it because we're not following the program and got nothing to update except bad news.

I have HNHN and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders in audiobooks but my H gets annoyed when I play it in the car.

Can you listen to the material alone or do you have to be listening together?

I'm very happy that you and your husband are recovering well, it gives me hope smile


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
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are you doing the diagnostic? i think it really helps with a weekly reality check on whats going on. dont dread the update- just tell her and she will jump start it with you.

I have so many triggers, thats what happens when you have so many dates............. please tell me when they end i am going to go with May 18th as my final dday. just had to do it form feb-may. so i am 5 mos. into this but 3 months total. puke....

it was wishful thinking/ or dreading for me also, but i always expainged that i was gaining so much here he should look. but be weary these people may slam you.

so i am happy right now he is gaining, he takes a long time to post- typing is worse than mine and he is being careful with words i am sure. but his is all new to him- he is not an open book- me on the other hand i am.

I think i have had so many come to jesus talks with him he knows i was beyond my limit and he was trying so hard ( but it wasnt clicking) for this week it has been- and the posts and advice have been helping him see that he is not alone and i am not crazy.

maybe just ask you H to read. LuvsD H is on also. 2 very brave men, trying.

listen this is hard, no doubt- I am committed to giving it my all, as i have done for 8 months, but i will not commit to doing it alone and i think thats the stage i am happy to be in, i also think that H really understand that now.

he has alot to carry with him and to get over, and i will help him, if he is willing, i wont drag him thru it.



Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Originally Posted by chickadee1
I will let him plan the day, as long as he doesnt take me to a trigger spot. 2 weeks ago he wanted to go to a festival in the town right next to one of the ow- right next door. how do i handle that?

Have you told your husband that?

When he does plan something, do you acknowledge the effort he spent in making the plans? Or do you tend to respond, instead, with an alternate suggestion on how to spend that time. As HerPapaBear suggested, your doing that could be a reason for him to shut down if he feels that his efforts weren't appreciated.

He, in turn, should be honest with any affront that he feels.

Originally Posted by chickadee1
he asked about reading my post i said yes then no- i think it will hurt him to read and he is getting great advice here now. thoughts?

I believe the standard is for both to stay off of each other's threads. You'd get word if something fishy came up.


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i told him yes- i said i would rather not do that since its not in a good town for me.


I do acknowledge all of his efforts when he makes plans. i think he gets down on himself when he makes plans (i am a wower- It come naturally to me and i do it for a living)- i think it is frustrating for him that it comes easy for me and he has to put more time into it- and its like he always comparing it.

recently i have asked him to wow me.

so that why it was easy for H to go on dates- they would be wowed if he farted....

I really am not that tough and i always say i appreciate what he does and thank him alot-he doesnt hear it at all.

His new thing that he says "he's trying" - I know that he is and i always tell him I know that you are trying and i appreciate all that you are doing(its a bit tiring -bc i have to keep reassuring him that i know, when what does he think i have been doing or the past x months. its like he is saying it to convince himself that he is.

its interesting: while coaching with jennifer, it was suggested that i list 5 things that i wanted to do and H could pick from them and rate them. maybe bc i shoot down the plans that he has made in the past bc they are all activities that he likes, not what i do.... Gonna do the RC list tonight.

also on appreciation/admiration.... I have that very high on my list, but it was no where on H. But after recieving all of the notes H wrote answering questions about the A's, there was a constant theme of looking for admiration/appreciation ( in my eyes)- i asked Jennifer and we agreed that i would slip that into what i was doing for him and to see how it worked. Jackpot it did.

i think that there is confusion with appreciation, admiration and affection.

thanks for looking out for me. he wants me to look at his posts, but i think i am going to stay away.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Originally Posted by chickadee1
I do acknowledge all of his efforts when he makes plans. i think he gets down on himself when he makes plans (i am a wower- It come naturally to me and i do it for a living)- i think it is frustrating for him that it comes easy for me and he has to put more time into it- and its like he always comparing it.

recently i have asked him to wow me.

My wife's like that and it's intimidating (in a good way). Your asking him to "wow" you may be akin to asking him to learn Chinese overnight.

Just a suggestion, you might ask him if he thought that way.

Originally Posted by chickadee1
so that why it was easy for H to go on dates- they would be wowed if he farted....

High class ladies, that's for sure smile


Originally Posted by chickadee1
I really am not that tough and i always say i appreciate what he does and thank him alot-he doesnt hear it at all.

His new thing that he says "he's trying" - I know that he is and i always tell him I know that you are trying and i appreciate all that you are doing(its a bit tiring -bc i have to keep reassuring him that i know, when what does he think i have been doing or the past x months. its like he is saying it to convince himself that he is.

Maybe he's saying it because he thinks you don't believe him? It kind of sounds like a self-esteem issue, not being able to measure up to your expectations, something like that.

Now how the hell you fix *that* is a good question, but I think it boils down to the betrayed showing compassion or empathy to the betrayer. It's not human nature but probably required in this case.

Originally Posted by chickadee1
its interesting: while coaching with jennifer, it was suggested that i list 5 things that i wanted to do and H could pick from them and rate them. maybe bc i shoot down the plans that he has made in the past bc they are all activities that he likes, not what i do.... Gonna do the RC list tonight.

That sounds like a good idea. It's a great opportunity for POJA.

Planning fun things doesn't have to be work or taken so seriously smile

Originally Posted by chickadee1
also on appreciation/admiration.... I have that very high on my list, but it was no where on H. But after recieving all of the notes H wrote answering questions about the A's, there was a constant theme of looking for admiration/appreciation ( in my eyes)- i asked Jennifer and we agreed that i would slip that into what i was doing for him and to see how it worked. Jackpot it did.

i think that there is confusion with appreciation, admiration and affection.

Maybe he just wants you to be proud of him. Given the past infidelity, I'm sure that got a laugh but surely there are other things worthy of mention. Chew it over and look for opportunities in the future.

Originally Posted by chickadee1
he wants me to look at his posts, but i think i am going to stay away.

Trust us, we'd tell you if something was posted that was fishy.



Me (BH)
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Originally Posted by chickadee1
he wants me to look at his posts, but i think i am going to stay away.

I highly recommend you read his thread! Do not post on it, but by all means, read it daily.





Recovery began 10/07;

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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
Maybe he's saying it because he thinks you don't believe him? It kind of sounds like a self-esteem issue, not being able to measure up to your expectations, something like that.

Now how the hell you fix *that* is a good question, but I think it boils down to the betrayed showing compassion or empathy to the betrayer. It's not human nature but probably required in this case.-

Maybe he just wants you to be proud of him. Given the past infidelity, I'm sure that got a laugh but surely there are other things worthy of mention. Chew it over and look for opportunities in the future.

i really dont think he has self esteem issues, he is a bit cocky. but.... not want to fail issues for sure.

i think i am gettting a ding ding ding in my head, but i am having a hard time verbalizing it.

proud, i am proud of him always have been.... how difficult it must have been for him to hear me say that i appreciated him and proud of him, when in fact he was really doing the opposite in his other world.....


if you were living a life that you knew would destroy the one thing that was good in your life, you would never be able to measure up to any expectations.... do you see what i am getting at????

its so hard to type what is running thru my head......


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Originally Posted by chickadee1
I will let him plan the day, as long as he doesnt take me to a trigger spot. 2 weeks ago he wanted to go to a festival in the town right next to one of the ow- right next door. how do i handle that?

he asked about reading my post i said yes then no- i think it will hurt him to read and he is getting great advice here now. thoughts?
Give him some parameters for his surprise day. Locations to exclude, food to exclude - anything that could trigger you. The two of you need to discuss that part of the day. For now he may want to get the outline of the day set up, and then go over it with you before finalizing it.

I would suggest he not read your thread.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by chickadee1
if you were living a life that you knew would destroy the one thing that was good in your life, you would never be able to measure up to any expectations.... do you see what i am getting at????

its so hard to type what is running thru my head......

Makes sense to me. Guilt or remorse on his part, I suppose. I wouldn't envy his position.



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NW- neither do i!

HPB/tst & MB- so i can read his but he shouldnt read mine??? and i would never post.

"For now he may want to get the outline of the day set up, and then go over it with you before finalizing it."

this sound great, this is making me laugh, i will go along with it, look i plan every day, i would love it if he did. hes not a planner so when he does try things happen.

we did say we would swap weekend planning. it worked a few times but obligations got in the way. recently he was planning the day on the boat, but he didnt look at the forecast (hurricane coming), i said nada and went along. when the rain came pouring down it was funny- he felt bad, i told him he was the best date planner (yes i was laughing but not at his expense at all. it was fine.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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HPB/tst & MB- so i can read his but he shouldnt read mine??? and i would never post.
I don't think either one of you should be reading the other one's thread.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
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HPB/tst & MB- so i can read his but he shouldnt read mine??? and i would never post.
I don't think either one of you should be reading the other one's thread.


With all due respect MB, I don't agree.... Here's why;


One, I believe he'll stop posting if she isn't following along. It will be a strong motivator.

Two, he's a serial wayward that needs to know that she is keeping up with what others are suggesting. And she can see if he's really being honest with others or just giving lip service.

The biggest reason to read along is to avoid giving any appearance that it's acceptable for him to have a secret place to post ANYTHING ever again!!!

It's also something they can read together and chat about. It can really spark some great discussions. I know that the Wonderings did this and so did SMB & I.

It's just not recommended to post on your spouses thread.




Last edited by HerPapaBear; 10/26/11 03:35 PM.




Recovery began 10/07;

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ok here�s what i will do. I will read from afar. bc i agree with you both.

i know mb maybe thinking -what i read may upset me at times- but really can it get any worse- i will keep it in check.- i will vent on my own if needed- if it gets messy tell me to sit back.

HPB (tst)- ( how do you like to be referred to?) - i agree with this posting can be a second life- to be honest i felt like i have had my own here. but i have never hidden that i am on.

I also agree that he likes talking about it.

but do you both agree he should not read mine? following the experts leads here.

i really am forever grateful to this board and to you all for all of your help, but now more so that you are willing to help my H.












Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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You can call me whatever makes sense to you... I use both tst & HPB....

Personally, I don't believe that any WS can NOT read their spouses thread.... they can't stand being out of the loop and read anyway....

The best advise I have for you is, don't put him in a position that he must sneak around and/or lie about reading your thread. Let him know it's OK if he reads, but he needs to know ahead of time, you're not worried about sparing his feelings on your thread and it needs to be a safe place that you can vent.... so, with that in mind, remind him, "reader beware".

My wife even started a few posts;

"tst, if you're about to read this post it would be wise for you to stop now, because I'm about to pour out my anger in a safe place, so I don't pour it out on YOU!!!"

I usually stopped there and read elsewhere.... smile


Please remember, Your husband is a confirmed liar, cheat, and scoundrel and must have all privacy removed from his social life.... Especially on MB!!

And this is probably the only time I've ever disagreed with my friend Maritalbliss.... Don't worry chickadee, MB knows she's loved!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by chickadee1
are you doing the diagnostic? i think it really helps with a weekly reality check on whats going on. dont dread the update- just tell her and she will jump start it with you.

I have so many triggers, thats what happens when you have so many dates............. please tell me when they end i am going to go with May 18th as my final dday. just had to do it form feb-may. so i am 5 mos. into this but 3 months total. puke....

it was wishful thinking/ or dreading for me also, but i always expainged that i was gaining so much here he should look. but be weary these people may slam you.

so i am happy right now he is gaining, he takes a long time to post- typing is worse than mine and he is being careful with words i am sure. but his is all new to him- he is not an open book- me on the other hand i am.

I think i have had so many come to jesus talks with him he knows i was beyond my limit and he was trying so hard ( but it wasnt clicking) for this week it has been- and the posts and advice have been helping him see that he is not alone and i am not crazy.

maybe just ask you H to read. LuvsD H is on also. 2 very brave men, trying.

listen this is hard, no doubt- I am committed to giving it my all, as i have done for 8 months, but i will not commit to doing it alone and i think thats the stage i am happy to be in, i also think that H really understand that now.

he has alot to carry with him and to get over, and i will help him, if he is willing, i wont drag him thru it.


No, we haven't been doing the diagnostic. It's in our calendar and it pops up that we're suppose to do it but we don't. I would love it but he's just not interested and would prefer us doing something else. He's here with me right now and he said that he is interested. I'm encouraging him to post. He said that he doesn't want to post because he's not a blogger. It's not his style.

Wow, May 18th isn't that long ago. It's just a matter of time before they die down. I assure you that it does it better, I still have them but I can control it now but there's still times when I let loose which I know doesn't help with my recovery. I asked my H a lot of questions and details the first three or four months after d-day. I mean huge interrogations. The details I learned can still trigger me. But I focus my energy more on recovery now. I'm sure you'll recover faster since you and your H are both on board with MB.

I can relate to your H about posting here. I take FOREVER to type ONE post. I don't know how other people can post so fast. I would love to post more but I think it will take up most of my day. It's good that your H is posting and and he's learning in here.

What is LuvsD husband's username? I should ask my H to just read some of the threads in here that relates to him.

So glad to hear that your H understands and is willing to dive right in to recovery and is willing to learn the MB lifestyle. That is such a blessing.

I'm very happy for you guys.



Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
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With all due respect MB, I don't agree.... Here's why;
Hey! Somebody respects me! Oh. Wait. 'With all DUE respect' doesn't necessarily mean that, does it... skeptical

rotflmao

No - you are correct, HPB. I am wrong - I was thinking about spouses in the past who were posting/arguing on each other's thread.

Ignore me, Dee. smile

Last edited by maritalbliss; 10/27/11 05:40 AM.

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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
The biggest reason to read along is to avoid giving any appearance that it's acceptable for him to have a secret place to post ANYTHING ever again!!!

Right, I would have a lot of trouble telling a betrayed spouse not to read their wayward spouse's posts.

Quote
It's also something they can read together and chat about. It can really spark some great discussions. I know that the Wonderings did this and so did SMB & I.

If I remember right, Mr. W's comments to me and Prisca was that he felt it was kind of unrealistic to expect married people not to read each other's posts, but that we shouldn't reply on each other's threads, and should avoid having a back-and-forth where we rebut each other on our own threads.

In retrospect I would say the most important principle is giving your spouse -- even if wayward -- safety. Do not become disrespectful or have angry outbursts over what you read your spouse saying. And if you cannot control your emotions on a certain day, put off reading your spouse's posts until later.

HPB had a good post in the last couple of days about a BS asking questions of a WS and making the situation safe. I think the same advice would apply here.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have been helped alot by reading his post. Some of the things he says in passing here he never told me before. Like one of the reason he had been dragging his feet on all the questioners is he saw the one on his history and panicked. I told him I didn't care if it took years later to fill that one out I had just printed them all out at one time while I could at work.

His screen name is dtl. He has actually started on your husbands tread last night.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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ok i am reading his, and if he wants to he can read mine. But i think my past posts may be tough for him and i want to stay positive. so moving forward i will tell him not to look when i begin to vent-

I actually doubt he will read mine, he know how bad it was.

thank you all, be patient with him. he takes awhile to post i know. i think bc i am out tonight he will, i hope!

yes and he did make plans for this weekend to go to a football game, yeah that ranked high i my list (sarcasm) but spending time with him is what i want to do and i will make it fun. was that a LB????? I know there are things that i will not be 100% enthuastic about, but i will do them and not be resentful or mad, its a football game for gosh sakes its not a video game convention or something that i would never do. The game is barely something he likes ( yes i have a non sports fan!!!!_ that makes me happy!)- it a work thing and thats important to him. he doesnt care about the game.



Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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