This is not accurate. We have told you from the start about negative aspects of exposure. We told you right up front that she would be furious, enraged, and could be expected to make all manner of threats. So yes, we did tell you this.

That is because it typically doesn't take this long for someone to expose. Even the most strategically planned exposure can be planned in 2 days. When someone does have questions, they present them in one or two posts, get their answers, and then proceed.

What other issues did you have questions about?

What are your other questions? If you post them here, I will answer them for you.

What's typical, certainly explains the sense of urgency and exasperation
I sensed in a lot of the responses.

If I am anything, I am atypical. :-)

One thing I was thinking about after seeing the OM's wall of pictures on Facebook and the pictures posted by OM's wife:

Out of consideration for the OM's wife, might it be worth contacting her First
Before opening up the apeture and exposing to the relatives and friends ?

But you are typical for someone who is not very serious about taking the steps to save his marriage. That is the cause of the frustration you see. Someone who is serious takes about 2 days to put a plan together. I see no plan here after 4 days. People get frustrated when they decide they are more serious than you and tend to avoid such threads. I hope they are wrong about that and that you truly are serious.


Of course. And I suggested this very thing yesterday:

I didn't get that interpretation from that statement.

I read that as an order of operation, rather than a potential
For only contacting the OM's spouse.

My son is studying idioms at school...I have a good one "s*it or get off the pot" Seriously, you have nothing to lose (She's gone already! Your son WILL be from a broken home if she gets her way.) This is your BEST chance at salvaging your marriage. Analyze it to death, but it is your BEST shot at getting your wife home where she belongs. You can do it!!!

I see I didn't communicate my thought clearly .

Sorry, Ml.

I don't know of anybody who did not expose who saved their marriage. Everybody that did said exposure was the key.

Reality is, the longer you wait, the deeper the affair is, the less your change is.

The weaker you expose, the less your change is.

All success stories here have been trough this. Your WW looks down on you right now, she thinks you are a weak spineless POS, in her fantasy you don't measure up, you don't know what it is how to fight or treat a woman.

You burst that fantasy by exposure, all of a sudden you are fighting for her, you are with a spine. Her OM will throw her under the bus like garbage, and you will be there with an projection of a happy for filling marriage.

Again, the more anger there is, the better your job was, the more successful you'll be in the end. Stay calm. But waffle and you will lose everything, you do not stand a chance, no marriage, but a nasty bitter divorce.

Call the wife first, then swoop all at once. My mistake was to trickle expose which prolonged the agony.

The only reason people get divorced is affairs, even in the worst of marriage people stay together, unless there is a 3rd party.

You've been handed all the tools, as things happen, well be here to help you through, it always goes the same way, your situation is NO DIFFERENT then anybody else's. It is NOT atypical. Stay here long enough and you'll see a pattern with little deviation.

DD,

LISTEN, then DO!!!

There is no ending the affair or chance for recovery until you expose. Period.

I am the MB poster child for this.

It took @ 2 days to prep for exposure. That's it. 2 days. One day to make calls/send out letters.

My wife spewed for 2 days. That's it. 2 days.

Then, she had to decide -- marriage and the family, or her AP. Time to get off the fence, no more cake-eating.

To this day, she calls me her hero, thanks me for saving her, our marriage, becasue she was unable to get her head out of her a-- by herself....and I, her husband, rescued her, saved our family.

Stop delaying (I recognize that all too well). Get off your a--, man, and FIGHT FOR YOUR WIFE.

That's what your family is waiting for...be their hero.

If you doubt this, read the beginning of my thread -- December last year....sad and embarrassing. Could've killed her affair in December...I waited til March.

Don't wait. Expose.

Uh-huh.

But now's not the time to debate posting styles. Time's a-wasting, DD. How's your exposure list going? Have you made a list of requirements to give your WW for what she'll need to do in order to return to the marriage if/when she storms off in a huff?

Here�s your plan:

Setup a new bank account and move all family assets into it. This takes about 10 minutes when done online.

As far as credit cards go: Any racked up debt will be split evenly in a divorce, so don�t worry about this issue. The last thing on her mind after being exposed will be to go shopping.

Call OM�s wife or tell her via email first. Give her your contact info.

Then proceed to tell everyone on the list.

After exposure is complete, expect for the hellstorm coming your way from her. She�ll spit vile venom at you, threaten divorce, and say idiotic things like:

�How can I trust you after you�ve done this!�
�I was going to work on us and give us a chance, but you just ruined it!�
�You�re just doing this out of spite!�
�Can�t you understand that it�s over between us?�
�How does smearing me help us?�
�You�re ruining his life!�
�You�re violating my privacy!�
�I can�t be in a house where someone is spying on me all the time!�

Etc. Others can weigh in with the responses you can expect.

Your response to all of this is always the same. In your best James Bond, �I will do what I need to to save our marriage.�

�Your affair caused this to happen, not my exposure of it.�

You say these things over and over and over and over as her world crumbles around her.

There is a chance she�ll run off to try to be with OM, but exposure to OM�s wife helps prevent this. She has no money otherwise, so she�s stuck.

Have a voice recorder handy to protect yourself against allegations of abuse, which sometimes happens, though rare.

So there you have it. You have it all laid out. A plan, the response that will come, and what you need to do.

Yep.

My W said many of the same things, cried, drove to Walgreen's.

OM isn't even married, has a bachelor pad....and still, W DID NOT RUN TO HIM!

Came back home 10 minutes later....even went together to our son's basketball game and out to dinner that night.

Why? Adultery is wrong, and running to OM would only be solidifying her immoral behaviors.

And I kept repeating:

"I will do what I need to to save our marriage and keep our family intact"

"Your affair caused this, NOT our marriage".

We're in recovery now...mnot perfect, but here instead of divorced and living with the tatters of a broken family.

Expose now.

Hey DD-
I just spent the last 30 minutes reading through this post. I didn't get all the way to the end though because I was getting just as frustrated as you.

I don't think people realize how rude they are when they reply. Yes, they may have "been there, done that, survived the affair", but it doesn't mean they can be a jerk to the "new people", such as yourself. What you are going through is VERY difficult. I know. I'm in the middle of it myself. I understand the roller coaster of emotions and not knowing from day to day what to do next. So I will give some advice without yelling at you for being hardheaded.

I also have young children. My wife left the house 5 months ago and hasn't returned. But she made it clear that she was leaving me, not our kids. I think that's total crap. She left the family...it's a package deal. But either way...she also said that the kids would never be taken from her. I consulted an attorney and called the local police dept. They told me the same thing you were told: I can't stop her from taking them. So no- it's not as simple as telling her "you can't take your child. He's staying with me." That sounds great, like you're standing up for yourself- but it's not legally possible. So what I did was file for primary physical custody. It infuriated her. But it was the only thing I could do to make sure my children were kept in a safe environment. The hearing isn't until next month, but at least I know I filed first and the situation seem to be in my favor (because I'm the stable one).

Next, I cut contact with her as much as possible. In your case, everyone is right...she needs to leave the house. (But make sure you file for custody first). Once she leaves, it'll be easier to distance yourself. I only talk to my wife when it involves the kids. I wish I didn't even have to do that, but it will show the courts that I'm willing to work with their mother and be a caring dad. It's unfortunate, but you have to play to the legal system...make yourself look as good as possible.

I exposed the affair to friends, family, and the church where she is employed. That's what everyone says to do, right??! Well, it didn't do a thing. She got really mad at me...I expected that. But nothing has changed one bit. But at least I know I did all I could. I was worried that I would look like a vindictive husband. I figured it would look bad for me in court. But the thing is, what you're exposing is the truth. You aren't slandering anybody because you're stating a fact. So she can't turn that around on you- you shouldn't worry about that.

This got pretty long- sorry. But I want you to know I understand your dilemma. Just stand firm and do what you KNOW is right- no matter how difficult. Take care of your child first (legally and morally). As for telling him about the affair, I don't think you need to go into detail. That's not always appropriate for a young child. Just say mommy is in a bad relationship that God isn't happy about. Something along those lines. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL DISAGREE WITH ME, BUT OH WELL.

Protect your finances and make it clear to her what you expect. She'll call you a jerk and every other name in the book, but deep inside, she'll know you're right. Whether she comes back or not, you can be confident you stood up for yourself and your child. Praying for you, brother. It will get even harder, but God will walk you through.

I forgot to mention-
Because the custody hearing hasn't happened yet, I'm forced to share my kids for half the week. They stay with her for 3 days, then 4 with me. I HATE IT! It's not right being forced into the part-time dad role. But if it has to happen for a while, just suck it up and pray with confidence that God will be your judge and jury!

"Mommy is dating a man and Mommy's are supposed to only date the Daddy, no one else. I am hurting a lot and trying to get Mommy to stop. Be sure that I will be strong for you and you can lean on me. This is tough stuff. You and I can talk about it" (hug to them)

I told my 9 year old this with genders reversed (my two older ones heard a slightly different version of basically the same) and it has served them well in this mess.

Mattyhild,

Good on you for your steps. There is nothing you�ve said that contradicts what we advise here. Exposure is effective more often than not, but it is also very dependent on how deeply entrenched the affair is. If it�s just starting, it usually kills it. If it�s deep and has lasted years, then it usually doesn�t, though conducting it is harder.

It also depends on the family dynamics. If the family is full of enablers, then it is easier to continue. If there is a good relationship with the in laws, then that helps. If there is a deep religious conviction against adultery, that helps.

Exposure is no guarantee. The only guarantee is that not exposing is enabling.

Filing first for custody if a big deal. It helps and is likely to be one of the things that will help wake a WW up. Mortarman is a very good example of a man who fought for custody and followed the given advice and had is WW wake up when it was clear that the WW would lose custody of the kids.

A 4 days on, 3 off schedule is fantastic for a dad. You�re in a good position. It sucks at first, but you eventually adjust to the days you don�t have the kids.

But �rudeness� is the wrong word to use here. We�re not rude or intend to be rude in getting a BS to wake up. We�re trying to wake up the BS. Footsies isn�t going to cut it.

This is a full on marital emergency and soft words full of rainbows and bunnies aren�t going to work to get a BS to act.

The truth is, you need to expose far and wide. One of the simple reasons is you just really don't know who will get through to her.

CV

We project that sense of urgency because we've been there before and recognize when time is being lost due to fear.

DD- I hope that you get things moving here. By doing nothing, you're headed for a divorce and, essentially, are letting this woman and her boyfriend dictate how much time you are going to spend with your kids. Do whatever you can to prevent that, ok?

You work the plans as the guidelines of marriagebuilder outline them.
Each betrayed one works them as close to perfection as they can, lining stuff up as promptly and concisely in their favor that they can and then, they get down and get to work and keep that narrow oppurtunity on the path to go onward.
Do not believe that you know how the circle of exposure will react or what power it will have.
I exposed to a bartender who, turns out, did a major amount of exposure reaction to my WH. I exposed by chance to her (mostly to inquire if WH ever took OP to her bar) and never would have guessed what the bartender would later do. Give him a talking to. More than any other exposure target did. His bartender! The person he used to serve him an escape from his guilt (bourbon on the rocks).

lol