Amen to this! Thanks for the post, PSU.

Obviously, there are no guarantees that exposure will kill the affair 100% of the time. I think any reasonable person would know that.

But the point is that exposure is a powerful tool (we see it end affairs weekly here on the forum) and that the alternative, that the affair will end on its own and the chances of recovery even if it does end on its own, are slim to none without it. This has been proven on the board again and again and that has been Dr Harley's experience.

You are a new poster, and while I don't think you meant to mislead DD, I just would caution you against emphatically stating that exposure "didn't do a thing" to any newly BH who is scared to upset his WW here without giving them a better picture of why it didn't work for you.

And btw, even if exposure doesn't end the affair immediately, this is what Dr Harley says about it:


Link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

DD,

What about the OMW? Are you going to tell her?

If so, when? If not, why not?

Yes. I plan to tell OMW.

And while thinking about it,
When I do, I want to see what her response is, because I don't
think that I have the right to take the decision away from her whether to tell family.

If she doesn't know, she will be devastated, and how much worse it would be having to deal with family knowing too at least initially.

How, she decides to handle the information is and should be her choice.

How much longer is this poor woman going to be kept in the dark?

What she does with the information is immaterial to you. Watching her response is not necessary. You're not taking anything away from her by any of your methods of delivering the news to her.

How she deals with the revelation of her husband's infidelity is not up to you! Are you trying to blow off exposure by speculating over how OM's W will accept your information?? REALLY?

When are you going to tell this poor woman that you've sat back and allowed her husband to screw your wife for the past year, and just now you've kinda sorta thought that she and their baby might be affected? When do you suppose you can fit that into your schedule?

And YES. I am being harsh with you. As a former betrayed wife whose husband was in an affair with a woman whose husband KNEW FOR MONTHS about the affair and was too much of a pansy to take back his LIFE.

Until he exposed. FINALLY.

You're right, It's not up to me...that's my point...

....my point is, it's a matter of who are you or I to be the one to take away OMW's choice of how to handle the information by summarily deciding it's o.k. to inform family members regardless of what she wants ?

"Are you trying to blow off exposure. . ." - No, excercising empathy for another BS feelings.

"When are you going to tell this poor woman that you've sat back (A.) and allowed (B.) . . . " - A. I just found out she exists. B. I had/have no control over the repugnant behavior of either the OM or my spouse. (Their choices to Start, Continue, or Stop)


I get the impression from the comments, and correct me if I'm wrong, an implication that giving consideration to the OMW's feelings is irrelevant...it's perfectly acceptable to "drop the bomb" in the lap of the OMW while at the same time telling every family member that can be found ....resulting in the OMW not only having to deal with the news of infidelity but also "everyone" else knowing too.


My thought and question, which I was hoping to get feedback on was;

Has anyone exposed to only the OMW, along with the WW's family and friends with any success ?

I understand the intent of exposing for the purpose of embarassing the OM/OW.

I'm talking about having empathy for the OMW or OWH.

DD,

One of the reasons I doubted the effectiveness of exposure was becasue the OM did NOT have a wife or kids...I felt it would be ineffective without this ally, so to speak.

So, I could only expose to his employer and union (employer fired him from job within 2 hours of receiving exposure letter)...which, subsequently meant all of his coworkers on the jobsite, a crew of @ 20, all now knew he was canned for fooling around w/ a married woman on the job (which they prpbably already knew anyway).

I also exposed to his mommy, 2 sisters, and a brother. That's all I had on OMs side....no FB, no church information, etc.

I think going after him, his job, and his mommy did the trick on his end...totally unexpected by people trying to keep a secret. If the realtionship was so great, why didn't they announce it to the world? Why did my W refuse to be introduced to any of his family/friends? Why wasn't my W introducing OM to her parents, the kids?

This was only the first salvo I was firing, and maybe he thought I was too crazy or my W wasn't worth all of this to continue.

I believe this killed the affair.

And to set the record straight...(because you don't know)

I did attempt to identify the OM and find out his marital status,
and after no success on my own, I contacted a couple of PI's who, like I said told me "it's impossible from only a name, to determine a persons marital status".

I focused my energies on implementing Plan A (along with identifying and attempting to address the 50% of responsibility I owned for the deterioration of our marriage that contributed to the current circumstances)......with no success, actually worsening the contempt, disrespect and uncaring and selfish behavior of WW.

And that's how I got to looking for a way to implement Plan B while not losing my child or spouse to a separation/divorce.

Plan A only works with the carrot AND the stick.

Believe me, please...I tried the "carrot-only" version for 4 months.

The affair/contact continued.

Then, I manned up, trying to be the hero for my marriage, my family (what, really, do you have to lose?), and applied the stick.

The affair/contact ended.

Expose.

Yes, I did the minimal exposure in the beginning, just like matty, and just like with him it was useless.

Not until I got to real work really including the OW side did it work.

That is NOT the purpose of exposure.

read here.

Cv

You have his name, can u get his address? visit him in person. You can find it through the courthouse... public records.

Dude, seriously, you�re driving me crazy. Why not perform a study on the economic impact on international trade of exposing before you decide to expose?

So you have OM screwing your wife and you want to conduct studies on how exposure will impact the mating habits of ants.

Grow a pair and just do it. Paralysis through analysis is not going to get you anywhere.

Question, Clarification:
Exposure Plan Elements:
OMW
WW family and friends.

Anyone done this ? Results ?

Those that hear of OM's wanderings won't be harsh with his wife. To the contrary, they'll probably be sympathetic to her.

I don't get the hesitation here, and by exposing to all of his family/friends you may actually be helping *their* marriage if his wife is otherwise inclined to keep silent about it.

Helping their marriage helps yours.

Look, she probably already suspects something. It probably won't be a newsflash but, crap, wouldn't YOU want to know?


Yes, I exposed to OM's side and my FWW's side.

I called OM's wife at work because it was the only number I had. She called me back and I later had my FWW apologize to her. I also sent individual letters to his sister, father, mother, boss and every co-worker.

You may never know what the response was to your exposure on his side. But you've got to take that shot.

My FWW's family went apesh*t on her and were instrumental in turning things around. Her talking to OM's W was also a big turning point as it made OMW human, and not some abstract "bad guy" that had been portrayed by OM.

Are you reading? Let me recap:

FAR & WIDE = lot of impact = end of fantasy The more anger, the better your job was at busting up the affair. YOUR MARRIAGE HAS A CHANCE

MINIMAL EXPOSURE = less pressure, a little anger, little help, the affair has much more of a chance to continue with you as the source of their anger, you will be seen as vindictive loser.

Mel has given you all the tools, the longer you wait, the less successful you'll be. It is all your choice.

You left out the OM's family, which is probably one of the most effective exposures. You need to cause as much conflict as possible in the OM's life in order to run him off and that is how you do it. I told you that. Exposing to the OM's family also ruins any future fantasies of a marriage between your wife and the OM. If his family knows this is a sleazy affair with a married woman they are unlikely to ever welcome her in their home. Your wife will lose all hope if she knows that they know she is an OW.

Do it right and do it big. This nonsense about being "sensitive" to the OMW is just that, nonsense. Your misapplied "sensitivity" only waters down one of the best tools you have to save 2 marriages. Why in the world would you do that? You are doing this for your child's FAMILY. And you want to water down your best weapon because of "sensitivity?" That is just plain bad judgment. Don't push the car up the hill with the parking brake on, take it off!! Your marriage and your child's family depends on it. This is too serious to do a half assed job.

You have every right to contact the OM's parents and raise holy hell in his life. Their son is screwing your wife and wrecking your marriage. You need their help. The OMW benefits from your exposure to the OM's family just as much as you do, so it makes no sense to act like it you would be harming her. You aren't.

If you are going to do this, don't do it half assed. Expose to the OM's family and friends. Causing as much conflict as possible in the OM's life is crucial to the success or failure of your exposure.

I don't believe any longer that you are serious about this and are just wasting the valuable time of board members now. It has now been 6 days an you are no closer to a plan than you were on the first day. Asking a question a day [that has already been answered] to drag things out is a waste of our time and yours.

I would add that the longer you wait, the less effective your exposure will be. As time passes, the affair becomes more and more entrenched.