Insider, I am leaving up the only part of your post that other posters need to see so they know to be careful when reading your advice. You have been warned about continuing to disrupt threads with advice that is contrary to the concepts of this site. We will not permit you to post damaging advice to our members.

Continued violation of the Terms of Service on this site can cause a permanent loss of posting privileges.

Well, wife asked if we were paying mortgage today because she gets paid and has stopped making deposits into our joint account.
I asked if she could put what she could into the joint account so she does not spend the money until I can come up with the rest.

It seemed as if she was worried I will spend it on other things. This from the person who contributed $500 to our 3,000-3,500 monthly bills last month.

I had to wipe out what little money I was saving just to make ends meet last month and let her know that.

Of course she hates to talk about money. She always has and I had tried to make it easy on her over the years by always covering. I used to always contribute everything I made for years and years. Now I can't cover her lack of contributions to the family budget and am thinking I need to get another job, if I can. It's hard to even think about when I'm trying to be home more for her and the kids and also maintain the business I have now.

My daughter mentioned that she thinks my WW's best friend that she is going out with knows about the Om because she thinks she heard them talk about him before. So I'm pretty sure that this bar band concert thing Saturday is basically also a date for my WW and the Om.

I want to smash that phone of my WW and the face of the Om.
But I will not.

Do you know where they are going? I would leave about 15-20 minutes after them and show up. hang in the background and see what I could find.

It's time for your WW to have a dose of reality regarding the family bills. She is apparently laboring under the delusion that your current finances will cushion her affair. Disabuse her of this notion. This could deliver a seriously damaging blow to her fantasy.

It also appears that OM is less committed to WW than he may have led her to believe, which is usually par for the course in an affair.

Does your WW know that he told his wife that he had no intention of marrying her?

I would certainly not think less of you if that phone was to inadvertently find its way into the toilet...oops!

And then let her buy her own replacement. But don't let her treat you like a doormat, by texting and talking to him in front of you!

We can't help you if you won't expose the affair. Your wife's family is feeling sorry for her because she LIED to them. Did you read my post? The longer you wait the less effective it is so you need to get it done this week.. Don't put this step off any longer. It is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler and hiding her affair for her is to ENABLE the affair.

Asking us to help someone who won't expose is like asking us to help you push a car up the hill with the parking brake on. We can't help you push unless you take the brake OFF. Your best hope of saving this marriage is to expose the affair.

Expose the affair, my friend. Listen to the radio clips about exposure here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518985#Post2518985

here

Have you spoken to the OM's PARENTS to see how they feel about the affair? Speaking to his parents might throw a wrench into his plans.

CV, I know where they are going. She still is pretending that it is just to see he best friend and the other girls to hang out. I think this best friend has known about this affair for a while though and might even be promoting such a thing. I'm not sure.

WW told me exactly where it was and the last few times she has told me where and when and I would trust her before I knew about the Om.

I think I wouldn't know what to do if I saw WW and Om there together. I have a negative vision of having to endure watching her kiss him and even though I know it happened before, watching it transpire would just rip my heart out.

Then she would think I was stalking and maybe not tell me next time where and when.

I'm still waiting to see about if she contributes to the family funds today or if she is going to hold me hostage.

I feel if I start the exposure process to her friends and family today, she will leave me holding the bag again.

I'm still not sure if the family and friends know of Om or not, but thinking that some do.

This BF of the WW has a husband who lets her do whatever she wants and they don't have kids. WW BF goes out for entertainment all the time and my wife said she missed being able to hang out with her because she was trapped with the kids for years because they were so young before.

All smoke and mirrors I think to facilitate seeing this Om.

UD,

My WW used a friend to help cover up her PA....they were in it together. They spent hours complaining about each others H until my WW found OM. Her "friend" actually wrote a letter to OM telling him how happy he made my WW. I found letters, could have smashed them both with the phone.... I didn't either.

I would request, if not demand your WW not go. If she does go, tell her how much that hurts you and the children. Probably won't do much good, she is in deep fog, but you need to start placing your EP in place.

The next few weeks, expect to see or find more instances of her sneaking around. These are the worst time.... It Sucks. Be strong, take care of yourself.

Are you sleeping and eating?

Holding what bag? Like you're not holding a bag right now?

UD, exposure is your best move for killing the A. Do it all at once. To as many people as you can who are in a position to influence WW and OM to end the A.

Ok heres the deal. You said you cant afford the bills without her and that is where it is heading so you cant lose by exposing and maybe getting your wife back from the alien that has taken over her body.

Seriously, that is what happens in an affair. They are not the person you know and love. They are what we call in the fog and will do anything to anyone to keep up the high.

Kill the high and the fun of the affair and you will do wonders on killing the affair itself.


Your daughters are old enough to decide where they live if you guys split so dont let that be something you need to worry about right now.

ALSO, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING A 2ND JOB TO FINANCE HER AFFAIR !!!!!

UD,

I just read your last paragraph again.... Does your WW's BF husband known she has been helping hide an affair? If he doesn't, tell him. He will probably be less likely to let his W hang out with your WW.

Expose to everyone who may have influence to end this fantasy. Call OMW and let her now about possible meetings. Call OM parents. Pull the curtain off this PA and let the light of truth destroy it.

Listen to ML and CV.... They have helped me more than I can ever express or repay.

Let her get a second job. Less time for her OM.

I would request, if not demand your WW not go. If she does go, tell her how much that hurts you and the children. Probably won't do much good, she is in deep fog, but you need to start placing your EP in place.
I should maybe ask her not to go, but this was part of her 'selfish' speach she gave me before she decided to tell me she wanted a seperation. She felt trapped about not being able to hang with her friends and she is still trying to pretend that it's just for the band and the 'girl' friends.

I'm debating on calling this best friend to try and talk to me about the situation but know that no matter what this BF will have my WW's back on whatever.

Forgive me for not knowing what EP means or how to get it in place.

The next few weeks, expect to see or find more instances of her sneaking around. These are the worst time.... It Sucks. Be strong, take care of yourself.
Yes. It sucks now. I'm feeling the more I talk about the situation, the more I am pushing her away. She has it in her mind that she is a bad person but does not care. SHe stated she was a selfish person and did not care. All these things that she assumes I said and gives me a hard time about why now, why do I care about us now? I just didn't know and still don't, how to make things better for us. She wont let me in her heart and our trying to work on the marriage before was a sham she said. I agreed since this Om was in our family (through the phone) and sneaky meetings.

Are you sleeping and eating?

I am sleeping, but not enough and have lost 35 pounds in the last month. I have been trying to eat more fruit during the day and will eat some dinner when I cook it for the family. but there have been plenty nights recently where I just could not eat. You know.

Holding what bag? Like you're not holding a bag right now?

I know this and would just like to have the feeling that the mortgage will be paid for at least another month. I don't think I can scrape up enough money this time without her help this time.

So are you going to do nothing then?
I'm not sure what your PLAN is.

Is this just a "oh-bummer-my-wife-is-having-an-affair" thread?
Or do you want to bust up the affair and save your marriage?

What state do you live in? Have you researched whether having evidence of an affair would give you a better divorce settlement?
Its a wild card you might want in your hand. If that would benefit you, then send a PI to the club she's going to -- or ask a friend with a good camera to go.

Next, stop worrying about the mortgage payment today. If you are not successful in busting up this affair, you are likely going to sell the house, right? Can either of you afford it alone? Its time for WW to start looking at some black and white consequences. And a big one is that her daughters standard of living is about to take a big drop.

I would get those girls in your corner. Explain that their mother is having an affair, and you are doing your BEST to stop it and keep the family together. They are at ages that could help you. They have voices. Their disapproval, and their rejection of OM could do LOTS to break up her fantasy of replacing you with OM. Your daughters should know EXACTLY who OM is. Because he is an ENEMY to your family.

Ask your friends and family for their support, help, and prayers for your family. Explain that WW is involved in an affair with OM. Ask them to use their influence with WW to end her affair.

Expose to OM's side too. His parents should know exactly why he's being put out of his out to move in with them. And same, thing -- ask his parents to use their influence with him to stop destroying your family. Tell his parents you have 2 daughters who want their mother to stay home.

Underdog, were you interested in saving your marriage?

"She is going out with her close F best friends to another darn bar band concert this Friday and expects me to watch the kids again like before and already told me I can�t come.

Thinking I need a spine here, but I realize my drinking was a sin against her as well, and I do still love my wife. I also have bad feelings that she is even getting coached by someone close to her but not the Om. Maybe SIL (who doesn�t like me) or WSBF (who keeps taking her to these bars all the time."


2 things from your initial post...

1) tell her you can't watch the kids. You already have plans.

2) Get a spine. She's already admitted to an affair and you are letting her do this. Why?!?!?! C'mon man... Put a stop to this already.

In answer to your thread question, you are not making progress.. you are stalling out. Inaction enables affairs.

This is all a distraction from the real work it will take to save your marriage. If you can't put together an exposure plan here and stick to it, I don't give this much hope.