Not to start a Debbie Downer thread. Was on another marriage site and well the statistics for WAW(Walk away wives) coming back is pretty grim. Men come back to their marriages but women seem to make up their mind whether an affair makes them do it or not and they stay gone. I don�t know how they quantify that but makes sense to me. The WAW almost always does wind up in a situation worse than what they left. Financial difficulties, disappointment with the dating scene or their affair partner, or they wind up settling for a new spouse, compromising far beyond what they thought what they could accept when they were divorcing. I have few friends whose wives did this in their late 30's and 40's, left their marriages to pursue their own "Eat Pray Love" selfish delusions and years later begged to return to their marriages, got in worse ones, or wound up alone, bitter and disillusioned.....discuss

We have hundreds of cases that came back over on the Surviving an Affair forum and are in happy marriages today.

My suggestion: go talk to the guys whose wives came back over on the SAA forum. Ask them how they did it. [hint, hint, it is almost always due to EXPOSURE of the affair]

What other marriage site knows how to save a marriage?

When a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, most men act just like you and surrender at the first shot. Most will even pack up and leave because she wants "space." It is the ones who don't act like french surrender monkeys who save their marriages.

If you surrender at the first shot, guess what? YOU LOSE.

Well Melody I am trying, spending the money on the PI, going to find out what the frig is going on. I am a little put off by your tone. You don't know me and don't know my wife. You have not been here through all the gut wrenching talks and her coldness and surety of her decision. It's easy to judge and just say, well you just gave up. If a person says they will not do any real counseling, not intersting in saving the marriage, they will accept the consequences of the divorce and and will go ahead with it no matter what the other spouse says tell me how you would handle that. Until I have solid proof me flailing around, getting angry and accusatory is only alienating her more. If I get concrete evidence of an affair I can deal with that by exposing and doing what needs to be done. But right now I have nothing and even a PI may not find out the truth. The conclusioon maybe me letting go, letting the affair run it's course and see if she wants back. I love her but there are plenty of attractive, intelligent, genuine women I can fall in love with have a great marriage with. Her damn loss and she can take it up with God that she sinned with impunity, broke her marriage vows and committed adultery because she wanted to be happy. I will still do my best with my kids but it really is her call, to decide to stay, no amount of manipulation or psychology can change that, you have to have a spark of reconciliation and contrition, which right now she does not.

Just wanted to point out that you had to be pushed to do all those steps. You do admit that, right? You have had to be pushed all the way. Most spouses that come here are married to people who "will not do any counseling" and say they want a divorce. Just because a spouse says they want a divorce does not mean they will get one. And...we turn them around. We handle that in the ways that have been outlined to you.

See, the solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. So when a spouse says they are unhappy and the solution is to "separate" it is almost ALWAYS due to an affair. And we very often turn those marriages around.


We told you NOT to accuse and not to get angry. We told you to investigate. Getting angry and making accusations never works. All it does is makes the affairee go further underground.

I have seen HUNDREDS of these situations changed in my 10 years here. And their spouses had no spark of reconciliation or contrition. NONE. You keep saying this stuff, but the truth is that you don't know. You don't know how it is done and have never seen it done, so you have concluded it is over.

Ok so play devil's advocte, what if there is no affair what do I do next?

The description of her behavior above is the RULE, not the exception. We see it here every day. And we also see it CHANGE dramatically once the affair is exposed.

If there is no affair, which I don't believe for 2 seconds, then the solution is to NOT cooperate with any divorce schemes in order to drag it out. That gives you a chance to win her back.

However, all the signs of an affair are here.

Well the divorce is in no rush, I did not agree to move out for a few months, so yes I have bought some time. We spoke to Steve Harley and Melody she blew him right off, laughed at his suggestions. Sorry but I do feel defeated and deflated. I donlt feel any hope, getting steamrolled here, she is actually happy about this, thinks it's going to be great.

She blew him off because she had already made up her mind. She was hoping he would agree with her but when he didn't, she took offense.

Right there, crappy situation all the way around. Melody I wish I could find the affair, root it out, I have tried, right now I have a VAR running in her car. The PI I will hire for two days tail her during thr day.

Something else occurred to me tonight. I know you think that your session with Steve Harley was wasted, but I assure you that he planted a seed with your wife. When her affair goes into a freefall [which it will] she will remember what he told her. This is what many WS's have said.

I know you feel this is hopeless, hume, but truly it is not. There are no guarantees but I have seen far worse than this turn around. Please don't give up hope, my friend. I know I give you hell, but it is only because I know you are a good guy and I want you to win. And not because I have false hope, but because I see opportunities here.

Hume, in the last post of another thread of yours you mention your ww having her own cell phone (in MB vernacular: Affair Phone). Am I to understand that correctly?
There are ways to crack into this. There is now a whole board devoted to sleuthing/snooping, or as I used to call it with my buddies here: recon.

Just saying you may have a resource in rooting out the affair, which would be a good next step for you. At least you'll know what your dealing with.
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Hume, I think I know what you're feeling here. I had a nebulous affair situation with my ww at the time; I was afraid that if it turned out she wasn't actually committing adultery then I would be eating crow the rest of my life and it would damage the relationship because she would never feel trusted again, blahblahblah. Now I see that this is exactly how she wanted me to feel - so I would leave her alone. You won't be eating crow because no matter what is actually going on, she is NOT ACTING in a trustworthy manner right now. She has not given you any reason to trust her; as a matter of self-preservation, you can't. Is she sayign that your should trust her because she is married to you and you're supposed to trust her since you love her?? (I remember having this line ready when I was wayward... )

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Well I knocked her out of her happy nirvana thinking today. She wanted to stay in the house and me get the apartment after the DIV. Well I ran our budget and showed her, will not happen, she was pissed grabbed the spreadsheets and did what she always does, go to the bedroom, lock the door and call Daddy. She wants to erase me out her life, me pay the mortgage on my house, take the kids on the weekend so she can hump in my bed and make the new guy breakfast in my kitchen. I mean talk about delusional. She does not even have a fulltime job. Great plan there honey, no money, no fulltime job and no savings. What I was supposed to bankroll her "Eat Love Pray" metldown. No more Mr Nice Guy. All it's buying me is a quick divorce and feeling I got *edit*. I guess she is weighing her options of living in some 3 bedroom craphole, in a bad neighborhood and taking the minimum of CS and Alimony or staying working it out. I can't predict her, she has shown lately she is not thinking critically. Maybe the affair fog.

Way to ruin her fantasy by injecting reality!!

You did good, my friend. That is exactly what she needed. She needs you to NOT cooperate and not facilitate her little fantasy. If she wants a divorce so bad, she should be the one to move out into some little rat hole. No way should you be the one to have to move.



You just gave her second thoughts about her little plan by not being so willing to contribute to your own demise.

You handled that brilliantly and I am VERY PROUD.

Well this was a pattern breaker, she has been bouncing around all happy, she could have the dopey ex hubby be her landlord, handyman and best bud, and have the life of a 40 something slut when the kids were not around. She is still pissed looking on the internet right now I bet for a rental house in her budget in our town, which I know she cannot afford. I don't know it's 50/50 she just capitulates and says she has to stay or she cooks up some scheme with her folks. I know she will lawyer up. Man is the affair fog that strong that they act like this? She looked at me with hatred like she would rather stay married to Satan than me. Well if she still stubbornly after all this wants a divorce, well at least I did not punk out.

What should I expect next MB veterans?