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I have been a person that has always been faithful. I have been with my husband for 9 years, but for the past 1 1/2 our marriage seemed to fade away. I was gone with work and and when I was home, he was gone with his buddy's to concerts, races, football games, etc. We argued a lot and to me it seemed like our marrige was going south. I reconnected with a friend on Facebook and met when I was on a business trip for dinner, and things went farther. We both immediately realized we had made a mistake, and severed ties. This incident made me realize how much I loved my husband and that we both needed to try harder to make our marrige a happy marriage. This incident happened 4 months ago and my husband and I are happier than ever now. I have learned my lesson and will NEVER do something like this again, but am plagued with guilt. I feel like I should try to forgive myself and move on leaving this one mistake in the past, but I am having a difficult time doing that. My husband did nothing wrong and does not deserve to be hurt.
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I feel like I should try to forgive myself Why? You're still dishonest.
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I was completely unfaithful.
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Hi Izz, welcome to Marriage Builders.
The answer is yes, you should tell your husband. First off, you can't forgive yourself when you are lying to him about his life. Forgiveness comes with repentance and you are anything but repentant. This is pertinent information about his life that he has a right to know. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative.
He does not deserve to be lied to about the affair. Your marriage has a very serious problem and he won't know unless you tell him. That way he can take steps to protect himself from you. You should not be trusted and this is something he must know, Izz.
And it is very likely that you will do this again unless he knows and takes steps to stop you.
Is this rat married too?
_________________________
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, the rat is married too, and does not want his name ever brought up if I were to confess. He chooses not to, because he said it would destroy his family for the rest of their lives. Which makes it a little harder for me because my husband would want a name.
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Izz, welcome to MarriageBuilders.
I'm a guy who had an affair 3 years ago. A bit of a rarity around this site, but it's who you need to hear from right now. Listen up:
It's clear to me from your choice of words that you're hoping for someone to advise you to keep it swept undder the rug & "just move forward."
Sorry, but that doesn't work. (Maybe in the movies, but not so much in real life.)
Overcoming infidelity & building a better marriage than what you had before an affair -- which needs to be your goal -- requires a change in mindset. It requires transparency, openness & honesty -- retrospectively as well as in the present. It requires going to your spouse when you feel your needs aren't being met, rather than letting frustrations & resentments fester. It requires putting our spouse's need for honesty above our self-serving "need" to cover our bums when we do something wrong.
3 years ago, on the day I confessed my affair to my wife, was the hardest day of my life. It was also the hardest day of my wife's life up to that point in time. But once I'd gotten into a mindset that condoned infidelity, there was no other way out.
What MelodyLane told you bears repeating:
And it is very likely that you will do this again unless he knows and takes steps to stop you.
See, I too thought I could break it off at every stage. Before it went too far. And once I'd gone all the way too far, I thought I could let it just go cold. Didn't work that way. It doesn't work that way.
If you've got questions, ask me.
You can't paper this over with a lie. Living a coverup is one of the most stressful things you can attempt. It'll never feel right. Trust me. I've walked in those shoes of yours. You don't want to stay there. That, I promise you.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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And, there is no chance I would do this ever again. I understand that as an outsider you would feel this way, but if you knew me, you would know that this has killed me. I can't figure out how I was in such a fog at the time to let this even happen. It will hang over my head forever.
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And, there is no chance I would do this ever again. I understand that as an outsider you would feel this way, but if you knew me, you would know that this has killed me. I can't figure out how I was in such a fog at the time to let this even happen. It will hang over my head forever.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Yes, the rat is married too, and does not want his name ever brought up if I were to confess. He chooses not to, because he said it would destroy his family for the rest of their lives. Which makes it a little harder for me because my husband would want a name. Sorry, but your husband has a right to know his name. And his wife has a right to know what you and her H did to her and her children. So no, you can't withhold the name. You can't have secrets with this rat that your husband and his wife are not privy to. The OM does not have right to the privacy when has adulterous sex with a married woman.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gloveoil,
Thank you for your advise. My husband was married once before, but I had never been married. This exact thing happened to my husband 11 years ago and he never got over it. I feel like the worst person in the world for doing this to him, but can't stand the thought of telling him. I don't think he would ever get over it. Who is that helping?
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And, there is no chance I would do this ever again. You are not repentant so you have not turned away from your wrongdoing. As long as you are not repentant it is extremely likely you will do it again. You have done nothing to prevent it from happening again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think he would ever get over it. Who is that helping? It would help him so he can protect himself from you. And you are right, he may never get over it. He may choose to end your marriage. And that is his right. You have no right to deny him the right to make that choice. He is not your pet. He is a human being who has a right to make the decisions about his own life. You have no right to make that choice for him. And are the LEAST qualified to make decisions in his best interest. You are manipulative and DANGEROUS to him. He has to know so he can protect himself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh yes I have. I severed all ties from this person. Facebook, cell phone, etc. I have no way to get into contact with this person at this moment and have asked him to not ever contact me again. This was not some long affair that I had, it was basically a regretful one night stand. The worst mistake of my life. I would do anything to take it back, but that is just wishful thinking.
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Izz,
Yes you need to come clean, but you already know that, this will haunt you for the rest of your marriage, please get it done NOW.
20+ years ago my W had an affair but we never dealt with it and it just went on and on.
Your Husband might know more than you suspect, but it's just an uneasy feeling that won't go away.
It is really unfair to your H that your have exposed him to whatever STDs the OM has as well, you H needs to get tested.
God Bless
Gamma
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Oh yes I have. I severed all ties from this person. Facebook, cell phone, etc. I have no way to get into contact with this person at this moment and have asked him to not ever contact me again. This was not some long affair that I had, it was basically a regretful one night stand. The worst mistake of my life. I would do anything to take it back, but that is just wishful thinking. No, this was NOT a "one night stand." You knew this man and had an affair for quite some time before you had sex with him. You said this: I reconnected with a friend on Facebook That is not a "one night stand."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Izz, I'm not here to gang up on you. I'm listening with a lot more empathy than you might be perceiving.
I'm just here to tell you that if I hadn't confessed, I doubt I'd still be married today. I would've lost the best woman on the planet, my home, my children, maybe my job, everything I worked toward & stood for. AND I would not have the much-improved relationship I have with my wife today.
The affair is not the main issue. The dishonesty, the lack of transparency in your relationship, is the issue. The fact that you've exposed your husband to an STD risk without his knowledge is one very concrete way in which you're risking hurting him. That is a choice about his health which you have no right whatsoever to make for him. It's wrong any way you slice it. Go ahead & try to justify not telling him about this health risk. You can't. Who is that helping? Clearly, it's about you covering your bum.
If it were about caring for your husband, then you'd tell him.
If you're hoping to find anyone here on this forum who'll tell you it's OK to sweep it under the carpet, you might as well spare yourself the time & call it a night. This is MarriageBuilders -- it aims at building fulfilling marriages, not just marriages where the couples fake it & grit their teeth to get through the marriage, & cry when their spouse isn't around. You can't build a fulfilling marriage on a foundation of dishonesty. It just doesn't work.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I desperately want to tell my husband, but just don't want him to hurt over something that was MY mistake, not his. I did go to the doctor for my annual exam and am clear of everything, so that is NOT an issue.
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I desperately want to tell my husband, but just don't want him to hurt over something that was MY mistake, not his. I did go to the doctor for my annual exam and am clear of everything, so that is NOT an issue. If you don't want to "hurt" him, then stop lying to him. You have already hurt him by committing adultery; now you are just withholding the truth from him. You compound the crime by lying to him and tricking him into staying married to you. There is no other way to make this right than to be honest with him. You are dangerous to him and he has a right to know what you did to him. You can't claim to be sorry when you lie to you husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What would be the best way to tell him? How do you tell him?
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