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Originally Posted by TexasSun
CV, I know the biggest obstacle is the lying. I am a hypocrite. He has lied as well, many lies of ommission too. But, he has asked to my face if I slept with him and I denied it, said we fooled around. Who should we expose this ONS too? His family are not part of our support system, enabled his affair. I assume our friends, my family, kids?

Who is your support system? That is who you should expose to. You really need to tell your H ASAP. No need to tell in from of the counselor unless your are afraid for your physical safety.

I am concerned he will leave too. I don't think the counselor would be able to stop that.

Make sure you have a list of EPs for yourself as well. Time to put the taker away and let the giver have a go here for a while.

CV


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oops. you forgot to mention your own infidelity that got this whole thing rolling.

your husband has a right to be furious with you.

you got the whole town aligned with you with no accountability for your own transgression?

his family isn't nice to you and supportive of the relationship? why would they be? they probably feel like you're making his life a misery and you are when you lie to his face and GASLIGHT him.

very sad situation here for your children.

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you two should have picked up and left as soon as he started slipping into this. you should have confessed immediately. you've got major problems now that could have been minimized with honesty and no contact...a fresh start.

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but the thing is, you couldn't handle losing control. you wanted to control this thing by making it about his mistakes when it was your original infidelity that caused the major rifts in the relationship.

you wanted control and you got off on seeing the OW around town and having everyone on your side.

now you're on the verge of totally losing control. it must be terrifying.

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Not terrifying at all. A huge relief! I have had A LOT of accountability, I exposed my EA to everyone, via FB and face to face That was the main threat to my marriage..the OM that I stupidly thought was my future. Sorry, its a relief to tell him the truth about that night and he said he already knew. Gave me a hug and thanked me for telling him. We are exposing to our support systems soon. It was a stupid drunken one night stand and the lying is the issue. No contact has been in place for more than a year with the ONS. EP's in place. Working on Honesty. The OW #1 in his case even knew about my ONS


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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Originally Posted by TexasSun
Not terrifying at all. A huge relief! I have had A LOT of accountability, I exposed my EA to everyone, via FB and face to face That was the main threat to my marriage..the OM that I stupidly thought was my future. Sorry, its a relief to tell him the truth about that night and he said he already knew. Gave me a hug and thanked me for telling him. We are exposing to our support systems soon. It was a stupid drunken one night stand and the lying is the issue. No contact has been in place for more than a year with the ONS. EP's in place. Working on Honesty. The OW #1 in his case even knew about my ONS

OK TS,

Is everything out in the open now? No more secrets?

Is he still willing to work on your M?

If so, explain to him that MB was the reason you came clean. Ask him to work it *with* you. He might surprise you again and tell you yes...


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Yes CV...its out thanks be to God. Nothing left to hide, its all out on table. He Absolutely wants to work on marriage. He has some unrealistic expectations to "expose" to his family (they are not supportive of our marriage, enabled his affair) I feel we need to confide in our support systems, my family, friends, counselors etc I understand he has some selfish demands and that is ok, he received horrible news today. Hopefully in a day or two we can iron out the details.

I have exposed my ONS to several friends, individual counselor, marriage counselor, my brother. Will continue to make the calls and apologize for the lies I told. So...that is all for now. All the credit to MB, I have 5 steps to romantic love workbook. Maybe when we finish the Carder program he will be willing. Doing a lot of the concepts of MB anyway, especially the UA.
Originally Posted by celticvoyager
Originally Posted by TexasSun
Not terrifying at all. A huge relief! I have had A LOT of accountability, I exposed my EA to everyone, via FB and face to face That was the main threat to my marriage..the OM that I stupidly thought was my future. Sorry, its a relief to tell him the truth about that night and he said he already knew. Gave me a hug and thanked me for telling him. We are exposing to our support systems soon. It was a stupid drunken one night stand and the lying is the issue. No contact has been in place for more than a year with the ONS. EP's in place. Working on Honesty. The OW #1 in his case even knew about my ONS

OK TS,

Is everything out in the open now? No more secrets?

Is he still willing to work on your M?

If so, explain to him that MB was the reason you came clean. Ask him to work it *with* you. He might surprise you again and tell you yes...


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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Originally Posted by TexasSun
Yes CV...its out thanks be to God. Nothing left to hide, its all out on table. He Absolutely wants to work on marriage. He has some unrealistic expectations to "expose" to his family (they are not supportive of our marriage, enabled his affair) I feel we need to confide in our support systems, my family, friends, counselors etc I understand he has some selfish demands and that is ok, he received horrible news today. Hopefully in a day or two we can iron out the details.

I have exposed my ONS to several friends, individual counselor, marriage counselor, my brother. Will continue to make the calls and apologize for the lies I told. So...that is all for now. All the credit to MB, I have 5 steps to romantic love workbook. Maybe when we finish the Carder program he will be willing. Doing a lot of the concepts of MB anyway, especially the UA. [quote=celticvoyager][quote=TexasSun]Not terrifying at all. A huge relief! I have had A LOT of accountability, I exposed my EA to everyone, via FB and face to face That was the main threat to my marriage..the OM that I stupidly thought was my future. Sorry, its a relief to tell him the truth about that night and he said he already knew. Gave me a hug and thanked me for telling him. We are exposing to our support systems soon. It was a stupid drunken one night stand and the lying is the issue. No contact has been in place for more than a year with the ONS. EP's in place. Working on Honesty. The OW #1 in his case even knew about my ONS


Good on ya. Now you can REALLY start recovering.


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Husband willing to look at MB materials!!! I told him I was honest with him about ONS mostly due to MB! (he has been completely against it due to exposure and the fact that I know "too much" already) I have SAA, LB's, HNHN, 5steps workbook, basic concepts video. I also have HNHN on IPod. My question since he doesn't like to read....should we start with the 30 minute YouTube on infidelity? I want to ease him into it and don't want to overwhelm him. MIM, I was prepared for him to leave but he said he is fully committed, knew all along, and its the lying that will be hard to overcome. I have followed through with his request to reveal my ONS to all support systems and his family who are not the greatest.


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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Originally Posted by TexasSun
Husband willing to look at MB materials!!! I told him I was honest with him about ONS mostly due to MB! (he has been completely against it due to exposure and the fact that I know "too much" already) I have SAA, LB's, HNHN, 5steps workbook, basic concepts video. I also have HNHN on IPod. My question since he doesn't like to read....should we start with the 30 minute YouTube on infidelity? I want to ease him into it and don't want to overwhelm him. MIM, I was prepared for him to leave but he said he is fully committed, knew all along, and its the lying that will be hard to overcome. I have followed through with his request to reveal my ONS to all support systems and his family who are not the greatest.

Start with the video. Spend time talking about it.

One of the things you can incorporate into your UA time is reading. Read SAA to him. A little at a time and spend time talking about it.

cv


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Husband willing to look at MB materials!!! I told him I was honest with him about ONS mostly due to MB! (he has been completely against it due to exposure and the fact that I know "too much" already) I have SAA, LB's, HNHN, 5steps workbook, basic concepts video. I also have HNHN on IPod. My question since he doesn't like to read....should we start with the 30 minute YouTube on infidelity? I want to ease him into it and don't want to overwhelm him. MIM, I was prepared for him to leave but he said he is fully committed, knew all along, and its the lying that will be hard to overcome. I have followed through with his request to reveal my ONS to all support systems and his family who are not the greatest.


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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TS,

Excellent news!!! If you are suggesting the 30 min. Harley video I see no reason why not.

If he is not a reader, maybe you two could read together.....I'm not sure if all the books are on CD, but there are a few. Start slowly. Use this site for him to get questionnaire and surveries. Put together EP's and schedule UA time.

Stay positive..... You have made progress!!!


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Texas, Here are the EP's we put in place in August, all have been done except post-nup and he will not read the books, although we have listened to HNHN on ipod, watched the videos and doing a diff. program called "Torn Asunder", switching to MB cause we hav been listening to MB Radio Show together and he is in...woohoo!

EP's (for both of us)
� End all contact with affair FOR LIFE
-Block all avenues of communication
-Account for your time & whereabouts
-No mutual friends or contact with mutual friends
-Complete transparency with cell phone, passwords, bank accounts, FB etc.
-Total honesty to eliminate conditions that led to affair
-Compose no contact for life letter signed by our family (100% necessary)
-Take extraordinary precautions to prevent this and future affairs
-Remove all affair paraphenelia including ipod, music, truck etc. etc. etc.

THEN��
� STD test now and in future as recommended by Doctor/Health Dept.
� Doctor visit with depression screening, and health evaluation
� Move back into marital bed whether we like it or not � Accountability with family and friends
� Read �Surviving an Affair� together and discuss it
� Get-away without children to plan marriage recovery, next steps etc.
� No opposite sex texting and friendships
� FAMILY counseling that is Christian-based, weekly
� Attend church regularly as a family
� Individual and couples counseling as needed
� Limit alcohol, bars, partying. Spouse present in all these scenarios.
� Commitment to a PROGRAM of marriage recovery
-comprehensive and long-term (1+years)
-restores love and respect
-builds communication skills
-resolves conflicts and helps solve problems
-teaches us to meet each others� most important needs
-covers ALL aspects of relationship and builds a strong foundation for the future.
� Post-nuptial agreement to protect children. Affair equals loss of custody
� Support in transition to go back to school, not in real estate
� Actively and vigorously pursue relocation to a warmer climate
� I am willing to do all of the above as well if I haven�t done so already


Basically, we BOTH had to do all of this. 4, yes 4!!! NO-CONTACT letters written, to each affair partner. In addition, we had a crazy OW so our attorney wrote a cease and desist letter. VERY EFFECTIVE. Just renewed our vows at a Weekend to Remember conference by Family Life. Spending a fortune on counseling, hoping to taper off when MB program is in full-swing. I cannot believe how much more secure and hopeful we both feel now. One affair is tough, 4 was a nightmare!


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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Texans.

Imagine that?

smile!



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or maybe a ruse to throw off crazy OW wink


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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Originally Posted by TexasSun
Basically, we BOTH had to do all of this. 4, yes 4!!! NO-CONTACT letters written, to each affair partner. In addition, we had a crazy OW so our attorney wrote a cease and desist letter. VERY EFFECTIVE. Just renewed our vows at a Weekend to Remember conference by Family Life. Spending a fortune on counseling, hoping to taper off when MB program is in full-swing. I cannot believe how much more secure and hopeful we both feel now. One affair is tough, 4 was a nightmare!

Yeeeee-Hawww!

dance2 <~~~ Texas 2 step

Keep up the GREAT work!


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hurray


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Originally Posted by zibbles
oops. you forgot to mention your own infidelity that got this whole thing rolling.

your husband has a right to be furious with you.

you got the whole town aligned with you with no accountability for your own transgression?

his family isn't nice to you and supportive of the relationship? why would they be? they probably feel like you're making his life a misery and you are when you lie to his face and GASLIGHT him.

very sad situation here for your children.
. Actually if you read my thread, i added an addendum to the standard exposure letter and exposed my own long-term EA (OM lived across the country) however, unbeknownst to me my husband was already in a PA. I wasted valuable time exposing his EA that had already gone physical.


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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I'm very happy for you and Mr TS!

My H had two OW's (at the same time, what was he thinking?!?) and I had one OM (what was I thinking?!?). It's very hard to deal with. Thinking of both women and then I compounded with my own A and getting over withdrawal. Atleast I've learnt to divert my thoughts when it happens and it doesn't hurt as much.

I've read **edit** and emailed **edit** and he referred my H (and I) to a sex addiction psychologist in Minnesota. We've also attended **edit** a few years ago and shredded the marriage renewal certificate when I found out about his A's. And several more marriage intensives/workshops/counselors.

But IMO MB is the best one when it comes to infidelity and recovery and has a great plan if both follows it. We have all the books/audiobooks from MB. My H hates reading too that's why I bought the CD's instead and we have the basic concepts DVD. He doesn't like talking or working on recovery because it reminds him of what he has done and it drags him down and he gets depressed. I'm the opposite, I love LOVE diving into it. It's very hard when he is not pulling he weight though. We've been coaching with Jennifer since January and my H just recently signed us up for the MB online program. He needed to do it because I was not going to take the initiative like all the other marriage programs we took. We've completed the online survey and we've received the package. We're out of town right now so it's at home gathering dust. I haven't heard from the online coach since we submitted our survey. I've been listening to MB radio and the archives. It's awesome! I just realized, I can go to the other forums now, I just have to figure how to do that smile

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy for you both and I'm amazed that we're in such similar situation . We're no quitters that's for sure!

Last edited by MBLBanker; 11/24/11 08:44 PM. Reason: Removing references to non-MB materials

Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
His DDay: Oct 2010
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L2010NM, our stories are very similar! Sad that so many affairs follow the same patterns!


Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)

He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11

Recovering MB Online!


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