Hi,
I have been with my wife for 24 years married 16 we have 2 son�s and she is 8 years old than me at 47 . My wife returned from a week�s holiday to Turkey and on the 9th of October I found out she had slept with a Turkish barman for three nights while she was there.

I confronted her about the fling and we agreed to work it out, only 1 week later I had cause to check her phone and I was right she was still in contact with him and also in contact with him on facebook and also e-mail at her work.

I asked her to leave the house and she did and went and stayed with her brother for 1 week, I was and still am so hurt and disappointed at what she has done. while she was away I broke into her facebook account and read the messages between her and the Turk, it described how she felt on the first night being just sex and then how she fell in love with him on the 2nd and third time because of the way he touched her and show her more affection and finally expressing that, that is why she had fallen in love with him.

While she was gone I did nothing but text her and tell her I loved her and wanted her home and 1 week later she returned. We tried to talk but I got no real answers from her and it made me feel angry and so we went into fight mode where nothing got resolved at all. She told me that what she had done was wrong and she should not have done it, but she enjoyed it and does not regret her actions. She also went on to tell me that I don�t care for her, I have neglected her and my 2 son�s and I don�t finically support her.

I have a good job and earn good money but over the past 2 years money has really dropped and things are not as comfortable as they once were, I am always out with the boys taking them to there various sports and spend a lot of time with them. Granted my wife and I spend very little time together and have over the past 12 months become more distance than ever. Again in her messages to the Turk she told him of how bad her life had been over the past year. Also in there messages there was talk that he was chatting to another woman that was also in the same resort and at the same time as my wife. My wife was upset that he was expressing undying love to her also and that she could become very jealous and she reminded him that she had already bought her jealously up while she was in Turkey. He gave her a lame answer and just told her if her was to meet somebody my wife would become more private and secret than ever and promised that her would see her again. Which of course she fell for and went on to tell him she loved him and that if he was to meet someone could he let her know so she didn�t want to do anything back home she might later regret.


Well I don�t know if they are still in contact as I only have her word to say that they are not, the trust has gone and I just don�t know if I can believe her. So we have gone 5 weeks since finding out I have moved into another bedroom in the house and we try and make small take but about every 5 days a row erupts and I end up getting no answers from her as to how she feels about me or if she wants to work at the marriage all I get from her is back off and give her space as she does not know what she wants. She also told me that she is no longer in love with me, but she has told a friend that has spoken to me about what has happen that she does love me and can not image life without me but seems unable to express those feeling to me.. I have destroyed the Turk to her and have shown her that he was also a married man, and have found evidence that she was not the only woman that he had had that summer, but she tells me he was a nice man and made her feel happy. My reply was he was a nice act that�s all. He has left her in a worst mess than when she went on holiday which was a present for her birthday and she went with a friend to relax and get away from the pressure of life. I have since, she has been home made extra effort to help around the home and make life as easy as possible for her but have been told by her that I need to give her space and to stop helping around the home. My wife has also rejected one of her son�s and also blames him for the problems in our marriage. Some good signs were it was my brother�s birthday a I posted a message on facebook from me and the boys and did not include my wife. When she got home she bought it up and said to me why would you not include your wife in that message after all that what I am.

I seem to be taking all the blame for her fling and the problems in our marriage and she seems to accept no reasonability for what has happened or her infidelity just anger and blame directed at me.

I am sorry if the text is a bit messed up, it just where I am at the moment messed up and don�t know if I can save my marriage.

Welcome to MB, Wideload.

Are you in the UK? If so, you have chosen an unfortunate day to register to this site, because most people here are Americans and they're with their families and friends celebrating Thanksgiving today!

Have you read any of the articles on this site? You should begin with How do affairs begin? and from there, read every article on infidelity on this site.

The first thing you will learn is that couples should not take holidays or spend other nights apart, because these are open invitations for an affair. you made a basic mistake in trying to do something nice for her buy buying her the holiday without you. Why should any married woman want or need to go on holiday without her husband? he birthday treat should have been a holiday with you, without the kids.

The second thing is to ascertain whether the affair has really ended. If it has, it sounds as if you wife is in withdrawal. You won't be able to make much of an impression on her now by trying to meet her Emotional Needs, but you should try and do so, without annoying her, until withdrawal passes.

Withdrawal should not take more than a few weeks for such a short affair, but your wife seems to have additional reasons for being unhappy with your marriage, and these seem to be at the front of her mind right now. If she will let you talk to her, you could try telling her that you know she was unhappy and that you think that you could both work on the marriage and eliminate the problems that existed before the affair. (You will be trying to sell her the MB programme, once you have read and understood it, but do not mention the term Marriage Builders just yet.)

Do not take the blame for her affair, and do not apologise for pushing her into it, or anything like that. Your wife had other options before she chose to get into bed with a virtual stranger, and the blame for what happened lies entirely with her. But dont try to educate her about what she did wrong or how wrong her thinking was. Don't try to educate her at all; you will push her further away and enrage her if you do.

I suggest that you move back into your bedroom tonight, because you have done nothing wrong that warrants your moving out. You should be trying to get closer to your wife (without pushing her into physical contact, if that is not what she wants). By moving out, you are sending the signal that you are to blame for the affair.

How old are your sons? How old is the son that she is rejecting? Can you explain a bit more about how and why she is doing that?

Do the kids know about the affair? If not you should tell them why you and their mother are estranged. Don't give them non-truths such as "we are having problems" because this does not help them to understand what is wrong. Kids often blame themselves for problems when they know something is wrong, but cannot find out what.

Since you found out that this man was married, you must be able to find out some details about his wife. See what you can discover about her ID because you need to contact her and tell her what her husband gets up to with gullible tourists. She is your best ally against this affair continuing in secret.

You and your wife both need to get full STD tests. You can work out that this man is a sleezeball, and it is highly possible that he has passed on some disease to your wife. Don't listen to any protestations she makes about having had "safe sex". Get tested yourself and do not have sex with her until and unless she is tested too.

You need to find a way to keep spying on your wife's phone and emails so that you can be sure when and if the affair is really over. Do not get caught doing this or you are headed for much heartache if she decides to keep the affair going on the sly, while lying to you that it is over.

Do not let you wife know ANYTHING about this site for now. We need to tell you how to keep snooping and how to expose the affair, and if she reads here, your secrecy wil be blown.

Who else, apart form that friend, knows about the affair? What about members of both your extended families? Good friends and close family should be told, and asked to try and help you bring your wife to her senses.

Okay, that's enough for now! Please try and answer all my questions when you get back.

PS: Are you 47, or is she? And you should edit your name out of your first post, for your own privacy. Use the "Edit" button at the bottom of the post, and while you're at it, please put you post into paragraphs so it looks more like mine, above.

Long posts unbroken by paragraphs are very hard on the eye, and people might not read yours if it takes effort. I had to really stick with it to get to the end!

I have read How do affairs begin and have been reading and watching the videos ever since i found this site about 1 month now.

My wife is 47 and i am 39

I thought the hoilday away would do her good both my boys were at school and she and her firend had the time booked. it was the friend that got the holiday as the birthday present not me.

I can comfirm that a physical affair has ended as the are 3500 miles apart,but i can not be so sure about e-mail and text contact.

i am trying to meet her emotional needs but annoying her is just so easy i only seem to have the breath. tlaking just doesn't seem to be an option at the moment she is so withdrawn into herself almost looks depressed. i have asked to seek pro help but she is unwilling to do so and states she want to work things out in her head and not talk to others about it all.

It's not me that does not want to be next to her, i moved out out of anger from the bedroom but it has now become another hurdle to over come to get back into the same bed as her, she just seems to be pushing me away at every oppotunity.

Close friends know of the affair and all parents from both sides, also both our son's know but all are keeping well out of it saying i need to show her what a nice bloke i am and give her the space she wants.

ok my boys are 14 and 15 only 14 months between them my earldest is the son's she is rejecting, he has been a handfull for many years and we have done everything we can to help him but he just seems hell bent in being a rude boy street kid. i have got him into sport and he play's rugby to county level, but he is just so rude and a bullie to his younger brother and tries with us also. the has been physical confrontaion with him and i have had to hold him down to stop his anger and from lashing out. he is also very angry about what has happened with my wife for doing what she has and me for not tuffing her out on her ear.

My wife is such a loving woman and this is all so out of character for her to now be acting in the way she is and to of had the affair. the friend that she went with is single and goes to Turkey in seach of love and i have found out that she also wanted to be with the Turk, and the first night that my wife and he slept together was after a row with her firend who went to bed and lock my wife out of the room when my wife returned to the bar it just moved on from there, although she has stated that she was not drunk and knew what she was doing so clearly wanted it to happen, this information came from another friend who she has spoken to about the affair. We have not had any sex since she has been home so i have no fear of STD's and i have asked her to go have have herself check but protests and states they used condoms, i questioned this as i know my wife does not like such things whislt having sex. We have not had sex for about 12 months and it is something my wife has bought on us and i thought she was going through the change due to her age and never pushed as i thought she would in time reutrn to wanting sex, well she did just not with me.

There is only so much digging one can do and most of what i found out was from the internet and facebook throught her account while they were still friends i know that they are no longer friends on facebook, but i also know that another friend has joined that has the Turk as a friend so there must be contact.

My fear is she is lost to me, although i seem clear in my mind i dont want to lose her, but i also think i am coming across so desperate.

i have not told her of this site and will not as i hope to get the help i need to get through this.

thankyou

Wide, I am just off to bed now, and as I said, today is Thanksgiving for the vast majority on this site. Don't despair if you get no more responses until well into Friday afternoon (UK time). Try to answer the rest of the questions I asked and be assured that your post wil be answered tomorrow.

Wide, did you start dating when you were 15 and she was 23?

Yes that is right i did

Don't even think about getting intimate with her until she has been checked for STD's. It really sounds like she has put herself at possibly serious health risk with this guy who is also married. If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been?

But that's not really the point, is it, Bryanp? How is answering that hypothetical question giving Wideload MB help? If your point is that a woman would not have "been as accepting" of her H's affair as this man is being, well, how many BWs have passed through MB in your time here, seeking help after their H's affairs? I, for one, and trying to rebuild my marriage after my H's 3.5-year affair, and I am far from being the only BW here, willing to try and overcome the damage done by an affair.

Nobody is "accepting" of their WS's affair. If they were accepting, they would let the affair continue and they would not be here seeking help to end it and rebuild the marriage.

The Marriage Builders forum exists to help those who wish to try recovery from an affair. Why do you come here and make your first post to a BH into a post that suggests he shouldn't use the MB programme?

Thankyou SugarCane for your earlier reply.

i must agree that the advise given by Bryanp is not helpful to me he does have a point, and i guess the answer would be she wouldn't be understanding if the boot was on th other foot.

I am not understanding of the 3 nights with the Turk but after reading this site i have to get past that if i want to stay with her.

The problem we are having is not weather i want to stay with her it's more her wanting to stay with me. i dont think i can ever forgive what she has done but in time can forget i hope. The biggest problem at the moment is getting to a point where some sort of normal life takes place and for me stop living in fear that she is not coming home. Her words were she has not go a pot to pee in and this is her home and therefore is she at home out of necessity.

Just for the record i have not had an affair in all the time we have been together.

So, you were 15 and WW was 23 when you got together and you married when you were 23 and she was 31. Were you two romantically involved when you were 15?

That is just a little nugget it would be nice to know to get a picture of it all for consideration of further advice.


As an aside....I am sorry you are going through this.
It is ironic though that you post on the U.S. holiday of Thanksgiving which we call Turkey Day for short and your thread is called Turkey Love. I didn't open the thread for a while thinking it was about Thanksgiving. Of all the places on the planet, Turkey, for your wife to go and cheat.....

Yes i met my wife when i was 15 she was 23, we did become romantically involved, i have always looked older than i am we were both happy and i told her my age and and we did not have any intercourse until i was 16 which is the legal age in the uk which was three months of dating. She is my best friend and we have always talked about everything until about 12 months ago which is about the time she started to go through the change. She is my everything, i love her dearly and honestly thought we would grow old and grey together.(we still may)

I have addressed the EN's and the lack of support around the home. i posted here last night as i was feeling really low, she has went away yesterday for a long weekend at her parents to do some soul seaching and to inform her M+D what is going on as they are coming to us for Xmas.

I dont see the problem with the age thing either then or now, iam 39 and have never regret who i chose to be with. although i am a little confused at the present time and can not understand my feeling, it is like someone has ripped my heart out torn it up into little pices and thrown them away. All i know is i love her and really want to work it out with her.

Yes that does seem a little strange to post here with that tittle. lol Turkey seem to be a popular holiday resort for signle women in England and i am sure i am not the only man to suffer this at the hands of a turkish man

Good on the clarifications. It'll help people move on to their advice as the thread moves along.
Mostly, that a woman would be attracted to a young teen, mature looking or not, legal age in a country or not, is a little concerning, primarily about her way of making life choices. Since it was legal in your country, people will hopefully move on with actual input to put to use for the current state of the relationship.

Since you have been reading and studying up on this site, and are in plan A and hoping the contact is over........have you considered writing the radio show for free advice or using the paid coaching services via the phone?

15 and 23 is a very worrying age range from any parents' point of view, given their job of protecting their child. I would not allow my 15 year-old son (7 months right now to his 16th birthday) to date ANYBODY, and if I knew that a 23 year-old woman were interested in him I would be speaking to her, speaking to her parents...doing all I could to bar romantic contact between that ADULT and a CHILD. That sort of interest in a CHILD from a 23 year-old woman is not right.

Even though you waited 3 months until you were 16 and thus of legal age in the UK to have intercourse, this was still a disturbing relationship and I wonder what your parents were doing to look after you properly.

I am in the UK and agree the age thing is a little concerning, a woman who I imagine would have had a job and an adult life, should never have been romantically interested in someone of school age. It sounds like she might be a little immature or unsure of herself. If she is competing with her friend/another tourist over a barman's attention, I would brace myself for a rough ride with this one.

However there is a family's happiness at stake here, and the point is you did both marry as adults. There have been some miraculous results on here. I would proceed with Plan A for a bit...

if only to know later on you did everything you could. Like all betrayed spouses you want to have no regrets, I am sure.

Wideload, please do not take my comments as indicating that your marriage is undeserving of help. As indiegirl points out, it is a legal marriage, and also, you have been married a long time and have children, whose needs must be considered. You will get help here with fighting the affair and rebuilding the marriage, if that is what you want.

It is so tempting to do armchair psychoanalysis....your boys are the age you were when you starting seeing your WW. I am not a therapist though and Dr. H says dissecting the past is not useful in moving forward.
So.
I will tell you what I would tell any other BH.....simply move yourself back into the master bedroom. Don't push on intimacy with WW but sleep in that bed each night. Don't ask her permission. Don't have fights there. Don't argue about it when she fusses about why you are doing it.
Move back into the room and claim it for the marriage. Play no games about distance.
Plan A.

Am I being criticised in your post, reading? Is your reference to "armchair psychoanalysis" aimed at me?

I know Dr H says "not to dissect the past" but I understand him to mean navel-gazing about unhappiness in one's childhood. He is clear that we cannot solve the problems of our childhoods.

However, understanding the origins of a marriage are sometimes relevant to our advice. An affair marriage, for example, or a marriage that began with living together, or marriage to a serial cheater (whether that was known about or not) is a legitimate focus of our advice.

Wideload needs help with his marriage, as I have said. I thought I had made my views known and drawn a line under them, but you are choosing to bring them up again, so I feel I must defend my comment.

Heck no SugarCane, I am talking about me.

I appreciate the clarification. Thank you!