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#2568781 11/28/11 11:14 AM
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This time last year I figured out the password to dh's phone and discovered the email saying how great it was to talk 3 hours on the phone and I love you. This was not an email to me but to another woman. I had all 3 kids at church by myself. Dh had moved out for a week at the end of October but called and asked to move back in. From about mid October until the end of the year I can tell you almost exactly what happened every day and how I felt.

It has been a year now - Dec 9th will be one year of no contact. I thought it was November but found out in February through a mailing that it was Dec 9th - another lie:(

From what I can find out it is all out on the table now and I do believe it to be. We have moved from FL to TX. Left our home and family for a job out here and a fresh start. We met in TX and married here and started our family here so in someways that part is nice. Dh is constantly doing things to meet my needs and I love doing things for him. Lack of sex led to the affairs. I was sexually abused as a child and ended up with issues from it. I have since worked on my adversion and now enjoy sex - in fact I enjoy it so much dh is not sure he can keep up with me:) We have the marriage of my dreams now truly. I love being with him and he loves being with me. We talk through things, we enjoy making love - in fact I would say my great struggles on our my period not sure if it is just not having sex during that time or my hormones throwing me out of whack.

When does the thoughts and the hurt die down? There is rarely a morning I don't wake up with the thought of the fact that my husband told another woman that he loved her and he wanted to marry her. They planned on getting marrying. She had told him she had filed for divorce I found out that was a lie. He still admits to not hating her. This is him being truthful but it makes me cringe. How can we have a marriage if he still cares for her even if he does not speak with her again ever? I hate the pain she helped cause me. My chest actually hurts when I think about it. He says he doesn't love her and he realizes he never really did. He says he loves me with all his heart. Sometimes I don't want to be in a quiet place b/c I don't want the thoughts to enter my mind. I am sooooo thankful for the marriage I have not but does the hurt go away?

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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When does the thoughts and the hurt die down?
Hi, mommy. Oh, yeah, I remember those days. I thought the time would never come, when my H's A wasn't the first thing on my mind every morning!

I can't determine for you how long it will be, but the time WILL come, when it's not the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night.

Quote
He still admits to not hating her. This is him being truthful but it makes me cringe. How can we have a marriage if he still cares for her even if he does not speak with her again ever?
mommy, your H's candor is a good thing and seems very honest. His A was his decision. OW didn't make him do anything. She just accommodated him. I think it's healthy for him to own this and not lay blame on her by 'hating' her for what HE chose to do. And he didn't say he cared for her - he said he didn't hate her. Two very different things.

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From what I can find out it is all out on the table now and I do believe it to be.
Are you comfortable with the belief that all of your questions regarding the A's have been answered? Do you believe he is keeping something from you?

Quote
Lack of sex led to the affairs.
I question this. Are you saying that you had the perfect marriage, but didn't have sex often enough, so he strayed? Is this what he believes? Did he ever mention, pre-A, that he needed to have SF more often?

Quote
There is rarely a morning I don't wake up with the thought of the fact that my husband told another woman that he loved her and he wanted to marry her. They planned on getting marrying.
Yeah, but that's the standard wayward line. Consider: it wouldn't have been very romantic for him to say something like "I'm not really interested in a future with you, as I already have a wife and children and don't intend to change that. I just want you to worship me and have sex with me whenever I want." Yeah, that sure would've been romantic, not. smile Waywards say idiot things like that all the time. It's how they fuel the fantasy.

I am more concerned about these things: How much time do the two of you spend together each week in UA time? Has he stopped travelling for his job? What precautions are in place to ensure that he will not be unfaithful again? Did he take a polygraph to reassure you of having the complete truth of the affairs?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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@mommyof3monkeys,

Have you read the Ten Basic Concepts on this site?

Are you familiar with the Love Bank model, and the Romantic Love Threshold?

Are you currently working the basic MarriageBuilders program, outlined below?
* Do you both have Extraordinary Precautions in place to prevent the conditions that made the affair possible? If so, what are they?
* 15 hours or more spent each week ALONE WITH YOUR SPOUSE meeting the intimate emotional needs of intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment?
* Are the two of you refraining from Love Busters, specifically demands, disrespect, angry outbursts, independent behavior, annoying habits, and dishonesty?

Hope to hear more,
--DNM


Doormat_No_More
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To answer your original question, about two years after the end of the most recent affair is when most people turn the corner. If by that point your marriage isn't better than ever, and you still resent your spouse, it may be time to separate, intending to divorce.


Doormat_No_More
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Originally Posted by mommyof3monkeys
This time last year I figured out the password to dh's phone and discovered the email saying how great it was to talk 3 hours on the phone and I love you. This was not an email to me but to another woman. I had all 3 kids at church by myself. Dh had moved out for a week at the end of October but called and asked to move back in. From about mid October until the end of the year I can tell you almost exactly what happened every day and how I felt.

It has been a year now - Dec 9th will be one year of no contact. I thought it was November but found out in February through a mailing that it was Dec 9th - another lie:(

From what I can find out it is all out on the table now and I do believe it to be. We have moved from FL to TX. Left our home and family for a job out here and a fresh start. We met in TX and married here and started our family here so in someways that part is nice. Dh is constantly doing things to meet my needs and I love doing things for him. Lack of sex led to the affairs. I was sexually abused as a child and ended up with issues from it. I have since worked on my adversion and now enjoy sex - in fact I enjoy it so much dh is not sure he can keep up with me:) We have the marriage of my dreams now truly. I love being with him and he loves being with me. We talk through things, we enjoy making love - in fact I would say my great struggles on our my period not sure if it is just not having sex during that time or my hormones throwing me out of whack.

When does the thoughts and the hurt die down? There is rarely a morning I don't wake up with the thought of the fact that my husband told another woman that he loved her and he wanted to marry her. They planned on getting marrying. She had told him she had filed for divorce I found out that was a lie. He still admits to not hating her. This is him being truthful but it makes me cringe. How can we have a marriage if he still cares for her even if he does not speak with her again ever? I hate the pain she helped cause me. My chest actually hurts when I think about it. He says he doesn't love her and he realizes he never really did. He says he loves me with all his heart. Sometimes I don't want to be in a quiet place b/c I don't want the thoughts to enter my mind. I am sooooo thankful for the marriage I have not but does the hurt go away?

Tammy

DNM has presented the average timeline. It could be less, it could be more.

One of the main things to focus on is building Romantic Love in your marriage using Radical Honesty, PoJA, UA time, and mutual care.

By outpacing your grief/loss with building a new, romantic marriage, your grief/loss will eventually be edged out and diminish.

Don't fool yourself, you have experienced a loss that many have described as more painful than the loss of a child, or the loss of their spouse. You don't "get it back." You simply learn to live, and fill your life with a better marriage.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
DNM has presented the average timeline. It could be less, it could be more.

Slight disagreement with you about the meaning of "two years".

Two years after the end of the affair isn't an "average". It's the length of time by which you'll know whether or not your marriage is going to work. If your marriage is better than ever two years later, keep moving forward and congratulations! If your marriage is not better than it's ever been two years after the end of the affair, then you should separate and plan for divorce, because your chance of recovery is almost nonexistent if you don't split up.

Pretty cut-and-dried.


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Ok to answer your questions let me know if I missed any - I love my husband with all my heart. I do believe he loves me. Most of the time I feel awesome about our marriage. My doubts come in right before my period and then take some time to level off. Those doubts are better as I use to be on the phone with SIL in tears that I just knew dh had flown OW out to see him. (He moved ahead of us when he had to get a new job and I had to tie up lose ends in FL) Really it was silly as I have dh's credit report all his credit cards and such so he was not able to but my freak out moments were much bigger then. No I don't believe he is keeping anything from me and really I am not sure there are any more questions left out there to ask.

Yes, lack of sex was the issue and yes he told me he need more sex. I would have sex with him so I truly thought in my mind I was doing good. We started fighting like never before in June 2010 so I realized our marraige was falling apart even though I was clueless as to why until Nov 2010. I went back to this site as I loved the book his needs her needs - our pastor did a 10 week series before dh and I ever married in about 1996. Anyways, I stumbled upon the sex adversion stuff. I realized I did have an issue with sex. I was sexually molested by a cousin when I was 9 yrs old. I loved embarssing my sisters by talking about sex. I loved making out with my dh like crazy before we got married. However once the clothes came off I went numb and checked out and just tried to get through it. Once I found the steps to overcoming I worked on them by myself as dh was on the couch at this point. It took me probably about 2 full months to become comfortable with my body. I am now a true night and day difference just on the physical aspects of sex. OK hopefully everyone doesn't mind a little frank talk but I was NEVER wet before so dry if dh didn't do oral for a long time I hurt and now at times I am so wet he has a hard time getting friction:) I was almost brought to tears at the thought of giving oral now I love to and it is more than trying to please him and survive through it - it is fun and something some times I just have a desire to do whether he wants it or not:) I have a huge sex drive now - if I don't have sex in a 48 hour time period now it just doesn't feel right. On occassion before I wanted it maybe right after my period at most once a month. I am amazed at how much the mind can mess up a sex drive! Now it feels so good! I can't imagine going back to the way I was I love the physical release sex gives!!!!

We spend alot of time on UA now:) We go out almost weekly which was a problem before. We weren't going out and we are both the going out type so I was home miserable and he was getting his fun time with work stuff. He has only biz traveled once with this job if I remember right where before he averaged 2 nights a week. Not sure if he will biz travel again but we talk about biz stuff and he calls me to explain everything he is doing and gives me all his info. OW was in our old area so not on a biz trip.

I will say I don't resent dh at all. I just wish the thought of him telling another woman he loved her would not enter my mind. The sex stuff I have behind me now. I know I am really good at it now and if the sex was better with the other women then he could have at it b/c I know there are men who would love to have a wife who does all the home stuff I do plus is as awesome in bed as I am:) OK maybe my head is too big LOL but truly I have had the sex stuff behind me for the most part I mean it stings knowing he did what he did. It is hearing him say I'm sorry I loved her. I don't want him to have loved her. I don't want to hear him say that. As for love busters dh has been very good not to - the only thing he has said that ruffled my feathers is he wished the house was cleaner - that gets to me b/c I just don't want to clean all day and it was Thanksgiving week so the kids were home all week. I love being home but hate housework - though I will say our house is not that dirty for instance the kitchen will be perfectly clean but the floors not mopped b/c the kids are just going to drop more stuff anyways type thing. I don't think this qualifies as a love buster as he didn't say it negative he said it nicely and just let me know his desire. It just bothered me b/c I feel like I am doing so much already. If anyone does love busters it would be more me when I let my mind get upset over the past and ask again even though I know the answer.

I feel much better today. My SIL says I will feel better as Dec wears on and just to stay the course that it is the fact that this is the time everything came to the front so to speak that is getting to me. I will say I have fond memories of Christmas and New Years and I am so thankful there is not a holiday that was diminished by this. We left FL and went snow skiing in Mass. for the week then went to NYC got a hotel room babysitter and went and celebrated New Years Night in the timesquare area at a Night Club and had breakfast at 3am in a dinner on timesquare - it was AWESOME!!!

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Appreciate the update, and the more extensive signature.

There's a pretty profound difference recovering when your partner had "an" affair vs. when your partner has had multiple affairs. You have PLENTY to resent, and it's no wonder it rears its head fairly often! You may not think of it as typical "resentment", but when you are upset that he told another woman he loved her, that's a form of resentment.

You can chalk up part of this to simply not being through with recovery yet. You're one year out, and for me one year was incredibly tough. Two year anniversary of D-Day was way easier.

In a case like this where your husband hasn't just had "an" affair, but has an established pattern of infidelity for at least the past six years, it takes an awful lot of follow-up and caution from both of you to build a successful marriage.

The first message that I get from your update is that -- despite his reassurances -- you don't feel safe in the marriage right now. You feel like you've made huge improvements in your personal lives, and you're living transparently with him. But still something in his behavior is triggering you. The question is, "what is that something?"

Here are a few typical Extraordinary Precautions most people apply toward wayward spouses in the case of serial adulterers, particularly those with a penchant for Internet affairs:
  • No social networking sites. If you do maintain any social networking, it is only a "shared account" between the two of you. No separate accounts, ever.
  • No internet access without your supervision. Computer usage only in public areas of the house, and only when you are home with him. This may require changing jobs if your spouse requires Internet in their current career. There are ways you can monitor his screens at work if he uses the Internet there; check the "Operation Investigate" forum for ideas on how to pull this off. If he resists the idea of you having once-per-minute screen-grabs of his office computer (if he uses one), you may have some idea why you feel unsafe.
  • You have all passwords and can log in to his work email, VPN, or other resources. "Confidentiality" does not exist in a MarriageBuilders marriage. His confidentiality agreements are binding on you, too, and it's important you be discrete. His confidentiality agreements must not include YOU as someone he keeps confidential information from.
  • No overnights apart. If he needs an overnight, you're packing up & taking the family or getting a sitter and you're going with him. Sounds like you're doing fine with this one, and it was his overnight business trips that played a strong part in his wayward behavior before. It may well be that without the excuse of overnight business trips, he may be faithful the rest of his life.
  • You must be one another's ONLY recreational companions until you are one another's FAVORITE recreational companion. That means no hanging out with the boys at the bar after work. No social events without you there with him.
  • He must not have meetings alone with members of the opposite sex for any reason.
  • He must not have an opposite-sex assistant at work, if an executive. Same-sex assistants only.
  • No opposite-sex friendships. What's a "friendship"? Any relationship where you share more than strictly factual information; if you are sharing emotions, you are a friend.


How are you guys doing with these kinds of Extraordinary Precautions? This is only a start, a few generic ideas that are typical. You have, of course, created your own precautions based on your specific requirements. But are you following some of the basics above? If you're not, you have some idea why you feel unsafe.

Remember, everybody can be trusted under certain conditions, and nobody can be trusted under others. Trust is not like a light switch, where it's on or off for someone. It's a spectrum where you may or may not trust someone depending on the circumstances. Create conditions that make an affair both IMPOSSIBLE and UNDESIRABLE, and you can trust him within those conditions.

The second message I saw is that you are clearly not getting enough UA time. UA time is time spent alone with your spouse in which the two of you are meeting the intimate emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreation, and sexual fulfillment. Given that you say you "go out" "almost weekly", that sure doesn't sound right. To get the kind of UA time we're talking about, you should expect to "go out" (or have a "night in" with the kids in bed or whatever) FOUR TIMES A WEEK.

You heard me right smile Four four-hour dates a week. You can carve it up a bit differently. For instance, on a typical week my wife and I do the gym together 5 days a week (5 hours), an hour snuggled up on the couch watching TV per night (5 hours, and "snuggled up" is key, stroking hair, holding hands, etc.), a lunch date (2 hours), a dinner date (3 hours), shopping (2-3 hours), and more. That's kind of a minimal thing, too. We do weekends away together at least twice a year -- usually once a quarter -- and then family time is totally separate from that.

That's the kind of commitment you need to make this program work. Put less time in, you get less result out.


Doormat_No_More
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Originally Posted by Doormat_No_More
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
DNM has presented the average timeline. It could be less, it could be more.

Slight disagreement with you about the meaning of "two years".

Two years after the end of the affair isn't an "average". It's the length of time by which you'll know whether or not your marriage is going to work. If your marriage is better than ever two years later, keep moving forward and congratulations! If your marriage is not better than it's ever been two years after the end of the affair, then you should separate and plan for divorce, because your chance of recovery is almost nonexistent if you don't split up.

Pretty cut-and-dried.

No disagreement needed. You are holding a two year point for "a better marriage," I am holding a two year point as, as you stated, for when "people turn the corner."

Terms, terms, terms.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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I just wanted to clarify UA time happens more than 4 times a week. I was just saying we get out of the house at least once a week. The beautiful thing now is our oldest is 12 yrs old now and youngest is 5 yrs old so we are able to get out without paying a sitter now also so sometimes we even get out of the house up to 3 times a week. We put 5 yr old down at 9pm then go out together until about 2am and dance the night about together:) Its awesome!!! We also spend every night watching TV together, I give him back rubs and so on. We probably average over 2 hours every night then date nights or other nights are 4 to 5 hours on top of that. We have our special TV shows - for example Chuck is our favorite and House and so on. We love our time for sex. We will often have over an hour sex session a few times a week:) So if I had to add up for the week I would say we are getting 20+ hours of UA.

As for the no internet at work there is no way to do that. He is a VP of Marketing and Ecommerce. His other job was marketing online college programs. Everything about his work history is with the internet. I have been a SAHM for over 12 yrs with a non accredited college degree at most I could get a $10/ hr job. So to say for him to go to a job without the internet I am not sure that even exist in business. I seriously don't see how you implement that. But dh has done anything I ask including taking pictures with his phone of where he was at if I asked. He did cancel his work phone and we pay for his phone on my account. He would not go on company network anyways so his phone is what he would do things on. He gave me the password and shows me everything and said I could look anytime.

We have had hiccups not necessarily set backs. I found an online account purchase but that was from last year but I found it about June of this year. I found an email from my life.com in his junk it did not show that he looked at it at all. It was a woman's name that was not the OW (the one he loved) someone that I questioned him about and he said she was a recuiter. He apologized and said he understands it looks bad but he was trying to figure out how I found everything I did. Dh when he loved OW told me how great she was to talk to and she was so interesting b/c she had so much to say and she had two college degrees when I ran my extensive background check she had no college degree and had an xray certificate - yes that made me feel good:) I ran a check on myself to see what it said about me since she is a SAHM like I am - it showed my college degree. I call [censored] on the college degrees as I also found she did not file for divorce like she said she did. I did send him an email with the name of the woman in question of the search so it could have played out like that. I found her FB account and cant imagine dh sleeping with her I will admit. Then add to that poor SIL who went through her dh cheating it was a one girl fling not an in love type thing 3 yrs ago she went away last week and her dh got on a sex site and started chating. I know he wasn't my dh but it has been 3 yrs for them I don't want to be like that. I know we went through the one discovery of 2005 where I thought things were solved only to find out in 2010 they weren't. Now it truly feeling like everything is on the table and we are both working for the betterment of our marriage. I just don't want another discovery in 3 yrs so that rocked me a lot. I also have heard recently of 2 different people where the OW contacted years later. I pray we are just left alone!!! I love my marriage now - I have the marriage I always dreamed of. I just want it to stay good!!!

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Did you ever expose to OWH?

Also - you are only eight months off of finding out OW's name. That was almost four months of continual lies by your WH.

I recommend uping your UA time to 25 hours.

Your WH was with 9 women, and just ended his last affair a year ago. Would you please describe his EP's and exactly what he is doing to make your feel safe?

I am still seeing redflagredflag by your anxiety, and your WH's EP's is how this can be fixed along with UA time.

Last edited by itistoughlove; 11/29/11 06:52 PM.
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I needed to say today is an awesome day!!!!! smile I woke up this morning without a thought of OW on my mind. It may sound corny but I feel that I have reached that next step. I feel like I put the affair further behind me and that for the most part now I will truly wake up in the morning without it on my mind. I now can't wait for more days to go by to put the past further behind us. I know there will still be triggers but we are good. I feel torn at times b/c I sooooo wish I didn't have to go through this but at the same time I am sooooo thankful for the marriage I have now. I have a man that I love and who loves me and we have always got along so well and to have the sexual piece come together so well now is awesome!! I am soooo thankful we are both working on our marriage!

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Originally Posted by itistoughlove
Did you ever expose to OWH?

Also - you are only eight months off of finding out OW's name. That was almost four months of continual lies by your WH.

I recommend uping your UA time to 25 hours.

Your WH was with 9 women, and just ended his last affair a year ago. Would you please describe his EP's and exactly what he is doing to make your feel safe?

I am still seeing redflagredflag by your anxiety, and your WH's EP's is how this can be fixed along with UA time.

Have you considered responding to the above post?

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No I did not contact OWH. I never did find his info. I paid alot of money for background checks for her and found her but found no way to contact the H. The affair was exposed to all my dh's family.

As for EP He doesn't do guys' night or anything like that. He goes to work and comes home. We go out together never alone. He canceled his work phone and went on my phone plan. We go out to lunch once a week. I am not sure what else to say as basically his life revolves around me LOL. He doesn't do anything without asking me if it is OK. He tells me everything.

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Originally Posted by mommyof3monkeys
As for EP He doesn't do guys' night or anything like that. He goes to work and comes home. We go out together never alone. He canceled his work phone and went on my phone plan. We go out to lunch once a week. I am not sure what else to say as basically his life revolves around me LOL. He doesn't do anything without asking me if it is OK. He tells me everything.

Tammy

For a man that has cheated on you with at least nine woman; this is very dangerous. He is very dangerous to you still, and this sort of half azzed approach will get you in trouble down the road.

For you to "LOL" his life basically revolves around you has me gravely concerned. Your lives should be interdependent, not one-sided.

I strongly encourage you to get your EP's taken up a notch, and lay them out 1x1, so the forum can help you with them.

You are in a very dangerous situation, and the fact OWH hasn't been exposed is one of the cruelest things your husband can do.

He should be on the phone with OWH and EXPOSING THIS AFFAIR.

I would keep looking for him, and be prepared - you are in danger.

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Happy to read you are having a great day. Just remember...it's a

rcoaster

Not to be "nancy negative" but, I had good days like that....then the floor would fall out from under me. I'm at the 2 year mark and just now having consecutive "good days" and feeling more or less "normal." MA's are difficult to get over.

Did your FWH ever take a polygraph?
The reason I ask is the fact that your FWH had multiple affairs, like mine, and they tend to have lots to hide. In the begining (before the poly) my FWH would say and do anything to make me happy and just "move on", but, he had lots of lies he was keeping from me. It took a poly to get the whole truth.




BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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First off I am not making light of the situation. This is not a half approach. We sat down and laid it all out and any time something new comes into our lives he asks me what will make me feel safe before he does anything. For instance he is interview for a new job right now. We spoke of if he ever has to travel back to FL then I am going with him no matter the cost and such. This was not an EP from the beginning but a new one of "what if" the situation ever came up if he was to take a new job type thing.

As for getting a hold of OWH he doesn't know how. He always met her in a hotel. He had a seperate email account for her that has been deleted - she has not had his normal email (I have the password for all his emails now). He also completely got rid of his company phone and he never put even her phone number in his new phone as I have access to it and all the phone logs directly from Spring where he can not modify the logs.

Funny you talking about the floor b/c yep went through a trigger last night. We got to talking about should a spouse ever be allowed to go to a bar just to get out by themselve without any reason. He of course knows he can't but it was bugging me that I knew he had before but couldn't remember when. Then just as I am giving him a back rub and starting to have sex it hits me when then I remember that was when he was meeting her type of thing. Now I will say it hurts to think about but I still feel like I am on a better level. I was still able to wake up this morning and it not be something my mind wouldn't let go type of thing.

As for poly no didn't think of it but dh has been honest with me about so much at this point. As for the 9 were one night stands and then a gf so it is not like 9 gfs. I would take the 9 one nights over 1 gf any day of the week!!!!


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 199
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Originally Posted by mommyof3monkeys
First off I am not making light of the situation. This is not a half approach. We sat down and laid it all out and any time something new comes into our lives he asks me what will make me feel safe before he does anything. For instance he is interview for a new job right now. We spoke of if he ever has to travel back to FL then I am going with him no matter the cost and such. This was not an EP from the beginning but a new one of "what if" the situation ever came up if he was to take a new job type thing.


It's good to brainstorm about the "what if's"
We still do that when a new situation comes up, or I have a concern.

Quote
Funny you talking about the floor b/c yep went through a trigger last night. We got to talking about should a spouse ever be allowed to go to a bar just to get out by themselve without any reason. He of course knows he can't but it was bugging me that I knew he had before but couldn't remember when. Then just as I am giving him a back rub and starting to have sex it hits me when then I remember that was when he was meeting her type of thing. Now I will say it hurts to think about but I still feel like I am on a better level. I was still able to wake up this morning and it not be something my mind wouldn't let go type of thing.

that is why spouses don't go to bars without the other...ever!



Quote
As for poly no didn't think of it but dh has been honest with me about so much at this point. As for the 9 were one night stands and then a gf so it is not like 9 gfs. I would take the 9 one nights over 1 gf any day of the week!!!!

A poly is good for peace of mind. You will know for sure that you have gotten all the info.

If you ever change you mind and think you may want one, don't hesitate. If you FWH is fully committed to recovery, he will gladly do it. Well, he may not be glad, but he will do it.


Keep up the good work!


BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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Interesting it has been 3 months to the day since I last logged in.

Things are going good. Dh has started his new job. He is business traveling. We texted and talk alot. We talked about where our boundaries are. Dh has been awesome with meeting my needs. We got out together alot and have a great time! We have been planning our future together. We moved from FL to TX I know I mentioned it before. We lived here for our 3 yrs of dating and first 5 yrs of marriage. No cheating occured while living in TX so it felt like a complete circle to me. We found a church we both LOVE LOVE LOVE. Our pastor is awesome. Dh went from stopping our tithe and not going to church to attending b/c he wants to, going to the mens events, we are tithing and giving more than tithe monthly. Our sex life is awesome:) Our kids drive us both awesome.

I do find the memories hard to let go at times. For whatever reason when I am near my period cycle it is the worst. I wish the hurt was not there but I think I am better now about it being in the past. I do find myself with the what if he does it again type mode. From what I can tell he shows me everything, I see everything he is not trying to hide anything. I find right now I pretty much have the past behind - the words from back then still get to me at times. He spoke of how smart OW was b/c she had 2 college degrees (from my background check she had nothing but a Xray tech certificate) but that she was so great to talk with that one really hurt. He also spoke of if he would not have been so stupid and married me so young as we were so uncompatible. Those are the 2 hardest out of everything that was done and spoken to get over. We did marry young but we dated for a long time and it was not a once a week type dating we saw each other every day for 12 hours or more a day 7 days a week. I just don't want to be 2nd best or settled for and that has been a struggle. I don't feel that way most of the time but am not 100% over that one yet. I am a very good wife I know that. I cook more than most, love sex more than most and basically most guys dream wife HAHAHAHAHA. I know dh loves me and thinks I am a great wife;however, if I am not careful with what thoughts I focus on I can get upset about what was said even though I know dh would not say that now.

So that is my update - our marriage is every bit of what I dreamed a marriage to be but the hurts that got us to where we are sometimes it can be a struggle not dwell on the past.

I am looking forward to next week!!!! My mom is coming into town so we are taking a night and getting a hotel room WHOA!!!!

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Wait,
Your husband has a new job business traveling?
Your email signature says he had "multiple one night stands" business traveling.
??????????????????

Your husband is addicted to affairs on business trips and he's back in the saddle again?

Dr. Harley says to remove the conditions that make the affair possible.
I cant believe your posting; you dont ask a drunk to be a bartender, and you dont expect a man that has one night stands on business trips to be faithful on business trips!

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I just read your thread and it looks like you are not following MB concepts.
You are probably in a false recovery.

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agreed, if he still is in the same place you probably aren't going to see different results, he will just get better at hiding it...........
sorry but it is just a receipe for disater.


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
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Quote
Dh has started his new job. He is business traveling.
redflag mommy, the condition that was conducive to your WH's multiple A's still remains. He is travelling alone on business trips. There was also limited exposure of his A's, so he didn't experience the full impact of exposure.

I am very concerned about this.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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He did not have limited exposure. Every one knows. His parents were told, the church was told, my entire family was told. There was no limited exposure. The only thing was I did not meet the OW. We now live many states away.

As for business travel we do have new rules in place and he can't do his job and not travel. We do have a 5 to 7 yr plan in place for our own business. We talk and skpe on business trips. We also have a sex life so his needs are being met which they were not before. He also says no to travel and I have all his info and passwords and itnerary and such.

No I do not believe I am in any type of false recovery. We both know we were not meeting each others needs for many years that led to the affair. He was wrong for having the affair but we both work to make sure the conditions are not there for one to start again.

Tammy


BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 520
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This isn't about a singular affair .

This is about a behavioral pattern. You are caught up, a little, on saying that the ONS ( and there were so many) aren't that important. You are wrong. They show horrible boundaries - and potentially - even worse boundaries than an actual long term affair. There's usually a slope and justifications along the way to sex in a full fledged affair. But what your spouse has been doing - you better saddle up and pay attention.

He cannot have a traveling job. Not now, and not next week, and not ever.

You need to really read MB concepts. You need to see what's going on- you are headed for disaster- and no one here wants to see that.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Also? he chose to have many, many affairs.

You did not, and you were in the same marriage. quit giving more blame on yourself than is deserved- and look harder at what your spouse has CHOSEN to do.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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