I am curious. I have been perusing these boards for a few weeks, just to try to make myself more comfortable posting here and learn what it is all about. I think I may have a WH, but not sure how much. I know he has contacted girls on CL (none local to us, thank god) and asking them to send nude pics. I truly don't think he has done anything physically yet, but who knows where this is going to lead.

We are working on our marriage and just discovered MB. He is all for us doing this. After 25 years of marriage, I am afraid it has gotten stale. We both seem to no longer put our spouses needs ahead of our own, and I am afraid it has caused him to seek some sort of validation elsewhere, even if only on the internet. He says he has stopped and it didn't go on very long. It was several girls online, not just one.

But, of course, how can one believe someone who has lied to them in the past. So, does MB advocate installing keyloggers, VAR, etc. to "spy" on a suspected cheating spouse. I only ask, because it seems to me, that if you can't start to build trust with your spouse, without stooping to this type of thing, what is there really to "save" in a marriage. Is it really worth saving? I guess I am grappling with the need to build trust back up in our marriage, but the feeling that am I really anymore trustworthy than he is, if I "secretly" spy on him to try to "catch him" in something. It is a struggle.

Radical Honesty is advocated by Dr Harley.

Read about it *** HERE ***

Your husband's needs are NOT more important than yours.

Have you any understanding of POJA?

Read about POJA ***HERE***

Instead of spending time asking about "spying", why not educate yourself about POJA. I think POJA is the bee's knees.

As I stated, we are just getting started on this and we are still in the learning process. I will read more about POJA and share it with my husband.


Understood. But, isn't the person doing the "spying" being less than honest with their spouse as well, by not telling them they are doing it? Just a thought I ponder and struggle with.

No, it is not dishonest for obvious reasons. A spouse has a right and a NEED to know everything her spouse does behind her back. Her spouses every move affects her life too. So when a spouse suspects something is being withheld, he/she has an obligation to investigate to find out what, if anything, is being hidden.

This is how one protects a marriage if some harm is being done. And if nothing is discovered, Dr Harley recommends telling the spouse about the snooping.

On the other hand, if something damaging is EVER found, Dr Harley recommends keeping the snooping secret indefinitely. He DOES NOT advocate radical honesty when there is abuse or infidelity.

It is not a lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries. Snooping actually RESTORES trust to a marriage because you can see what your spouse is doing when you are not looking.

Too much trust leads to affairs and other destructive behaviors that facilitate secret second lifestyles.

here

here

Did you miss this question?

Don't think of it as snooping. Think of it as looking. You're just looking at computer activity, phone activity, seeing where he is, seeing who he is with...people who aren't up to anything don't mind this. People who want to prove their trustworthiness, especially new trustworthiness, are happy to find out they've proved themselves.

I never told my FWH that I planned to "spy" on him. I told him that I intended to do whatever it took to be sure that I was safe with him.

He just doesn't know what those things are.

I have also invited him to do likewise. And I'm not particularly interested in what those things might be.

If Mr Pep is/was/ever does find it necessary to investigate my activities in order to feel safe ... GO FOR IT.
I WANT my husband to feel safe with me.
What sort of wife would I be if I felt it necessary to hide my activities from him (except Christmas presents, etc)

I have privacy in the bathroom.
The rest of my "activities" are open to his inspection .... whenever.
And, visa versa.

I love it.


True. That's how I feel too.

You all have definately given me something to think about!

Workingonit, welcome to MB. I suggest that you click notify and ask the mods to move your posts and replies to a new thread just for you.

As for spying, absolutely gather the intel you need to find out what's going on in YOUR life. It's not spying for evil purposes, but out of love for your husband and care about your marriage.

Does MB "advocate" spying? Yes, otherwise how else do you verify that you are being given the truth. I guess you could call it spying in the discovery stage and verifying in the recovery stage. Waywards detest spying for obvious reasons. A repentant spouse encourages it as a way to prove their life is now an open book.

Funny story. I discovered my husband's adultery by accident. He pocket dialed my number while riding with a buddy when he was bragging about his feelings for OW. After that instance, you betcha I started spying to get to the bottom of things (no pun intended), lol!

Kind of the same thing. I wasn't MEANING to snoop or anything, but I found out about my husband's porn habit, by shear accident. I rarely, if ever, use his computer, but I had to check a client's website from a PC for technical purposes (I am on Mac), and used it to do so. Dang. I couldn't believe it, he had been looking at porn and asking women on CL to send naked pics (which they did...stupid, stupid women).

I found no evidence of actual adultery, but who knows. After 20+ years of marriage to the "perfect guy," which is what everyone else thinks about him (church going, nice as can be, never cheated - that I know about and would be surprise to find out that he had, but who knows), I had a man on my hands that was now looking at porn online! I guess I will find out soon, however, the extent of his habits and or "extra" activities.

I installed WebWatcher on his computer, and it has been running for several days now. Luckily I am the computer literate one, and he is very illiterate when it comes to that stuff. WOW is all I can say! What a cool little program. Well worth the price I paid. I can't believe all the stuff I am seeing. Happy to say, thus far, it has been VERY boring, however. No porn, no illicit emails, no Craigslist conversations, secret email accounts, or girls. So far, just boring old work stuff, but it is all showing up in the program...LOL.

It's only been a few weeks since I caught him doing this (for the second time, we went through this two years ago too), and a few days since the program has been installed. So perhaps he really is trying (we are doing MB together now), or maybe his guard is just up right now. But, I can tell you, it has given me good piece of mind to know that I can "check up" on him, whenever I want. I got over looking at it as "spying", I guess, and now consider it taking control of MY life, as you all suggested!

Love that feeling! It helped me relax and TRUST my husband when I could see for myself what he was doing when he thought I wasn't looking.

Good job, workingonitnow!!

I couldnt agree more with this. My husband used to write a column in our local newspaper about sport. I know nothing about sport (in fact I loathe it) but I used to read it to show interest in him. I also used to check his computer history to see what websites he visited - as it helped me come up with gift ideas if I knew what he was window shopping for on the web.

I wish I had extended this and looked harder for stuff he might be keeping from me. We all keep secrets, after all. Sometimes when I bought a dress I fibbed about the cost. If he had been checking my bank account, he would have been learning a lot about my strengths and weaknesses and we could have used that to improve the way we communicate.

Looking at the 'hidden' stuff merely shows you a persons flaws. They may be very bad or only slightly bad. Your spouse may only be telling white lies, or protecting you from 'worry' - but a snooper is more proactive than that. You wont let your spouse keep their worries or their flaws to themselves.

I now think people who dont snoop are unloving. I think my failure to snoop was unloving. Essentially I was telling him that it was his job to be perfect, and that if he failed or stumbled in anything, I was not going to know about it unless he took the initiative to tell me.

I agree. My H was appalled that I would require access to what basically is his life. He said he would never require that of me. I said, I feel really bad that you're not interested in my life.

Even in a GREAT marriage, knowing that your spouse has open access can keep a GREAT person from doing something they wouldn't do if they knew they could be caught. Accountability is a Godsend. So-called privacy breeds evil.

Hmm...very good point. I wouldn't be at all offended if he wanted to look at what I was doing, though I'm sure he wouldn't understand most of it. But, then again, I am not doing anything online that I am ashamed of or hiding from anyone...LOL.


As it has me. Before I installed it (took me a week or so to figure out if I really wanted to spend the money), I was constantly asking him "what are you doing" when he was online, even though we were in the same room. I know that is a LoveBuster, so this has really relaxed me and kept me from doing that type of thing. Money well spent.

And, so far so good. His work is all quite boring, and over my head, since he works in a scientific field. But, it's kind of neat at the same time, reading some of the stuff he is writing and working on. Even though I haven't found anything "bad" going on (praise God) yet, I still am getting a bit of insight into what he does work wise every day.

Of course, I am waiting for the "shoe to drop," if he DOES go somewhere he isn't supposed to be. We will see how I feel then. I am sure I will be glad to at least know it is happening RIGHT when it happens. But, then I need to figure out how to nip it in the bud, without letting on that I am actually watching everything he does online. I told him I would be "watching him carefully," but I am sure he is going to wonder how I could know, since I have quit peering over his shoulder so much...LOL. He is not even aware of programs that allow you to do this. My feeling is I have let him know I will be watching him, but I really don't need to let on that I am TRULY watching ALL his paths online with this program.

I NEVER, to this day, have told my husband how I know I what I knew. I just told him I know you did this and that, giving him just enough to know that I knew but not enough to give away my resources. When he asked how I knew, I told him that was none of his business. It did the trick and nipped it in the bud without giving away my source.

I told my husband I am watching EVERYTHING.

It is also a good idea to have back up spy resources, such as spyware on his phone. That will give you text messages, websites visited and some have a built in GPS. You don't want to have all your eggs in one basket in case your spouse goes further underground.