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You have to feel sorry for the dizzy wretches. Only sometimes though.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Maryse Offline OP
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I do feel sorry for him, but more often I just wonder what happened to that lovely, genuine guy I once knew...


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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Yeah I know.

for now enslaving himself to the addiction is more of a pay off than being lovely and genuine.

He can find the way back if he has it in him.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Maryse Offline OP
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Going through a bit of a rough patch right now.
Last week at work, we all received the invite to the annual Christmas bash and after having given it a lot of thought, I decided to decline.

Today my colleagues asked me why and I tried to explain that I just do not feel 'ready'.
They accused me of moping and were of the opinion that by not going I am putting off on living my life.

I guess I understand where they are coming from but I think it's more to do with the fact that the festive season is not too far off, and this is going to be the first time without J to celebrate with, to buy presents for, to cook the foods with, and to enjoy the little traditions we developed over the years with.

I feel it's too soon for new traditions, too soon to feel festive in any way. So I'd rather just avoid it as much as possible, at least this year.

I know that I only have to answer to myself and right now I should only do what feels right for me, but it does bother me that others seem to judge me.


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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Your friends are only trying to help you fill your time, they see you sad......if you don't feel like it this year that is okay, but do start a new tradition for yourself this year just for you........
Bake something different then the stuff you have in the past, put the lights up and enjoy a hot apple cider......
accept some invitations for short periods of time.........
attend your church services over the holidays..........
plan to give something to someone needy........give to the food bank


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Originally Posted by Maryse
I do feel sorry for him, but more often I just wonder what happened to that lovely, genuine guy I once knew...

Maryse,

I am sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's small comfort, but know that all the crazy stuff he's thrown at you is standard and typical for cheating spouses pursuing an affair and divorce. ALL OF IT.

The incessant lying and gaslighting.
The fingerpointing, blame-shifting, and scapegoating.
The "alien abduction" way the WS no longer resembles anything like the character/integrity you once knew.
The WS making themselves into a "victim" of a "bad marriage/bad partner".
The WS's use of lawyers and the law to shield themselves from scrutiny (nasty letters, threats of "harrasment suits", restraining orders, etc.)
The manipulation of family/friends into believing that you are "crazy" and the WS "is just following his/her heart".
On and on....

These things are nothing more than the standard trump cards that virtually every wayward/divorcing spouse plays in the sick poker game that adultery really is. I know it is difficult, but remove yourself completely from your WH's depravity and madness. He's truly lost and he's toxic to you right now. Stay dark and out of contact. Don't feel "sorry for him" either...he is responsible for his own choices and will reap what he sows eventually.

Sorry again and I wish you well.

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Maryse Offline OP
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SDCW_man, Thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

My head knows all the things you point out, it's just my heart has trouble following...


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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an old saying is ... LEAD your heart, do not follow it.

Your heart can lead you into trouble.

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Maryse Offline OP
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MrNiceGuy

This is what the fine, wise folk here have taught me. Many thanks again, to yourself, MaritalBliss, Pepperband, MelodyLane, CelticVoyager, Scotland, JessiTaylor, Indiegirl and all others.

All you people strengthen me in ways I could never have imagined.


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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Posts: 639
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Originally Posted by Maryse
SDCW_man, Thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

My head knows all the things you point out, it's just my heart has trouble following...


Maryse,

You are very welcome. I can say these things with confidence because I experienced EVERY SINGLE ONE of them from my WW/xWW. Before I found MB (just prior to D being final) and learned the behavior patterns, she had me utterly convinced that I was at fault for everything, she had done nothing wrong, yada yada yada. I had to have been one of the most 'successfully' bamboozled, manipulated, and emotionally-abused BHs out there...and it took me a long time to pull myself out of the tailspin of misplaced guilt, depression, and near-PTSD she ushered me into.

Your story touched me and reminded me of how I felt. You're right that it's much easier to "know" these things academically in your head than it is to recover yourself and "feel" them in your heart. There are 3 keys to faciliatating this process IMO:

1) Learn all you can here and elsewhere from solid sources of info about adultery (not places that whitewash it or "Hollywood" it). The more you learn, the more you will be convinced in your "heart" as well.

2) Stay completely dark from your WH--not only refrain from ANY type of connection to him (internet, old pictures, reminders, etc.) but also do not permit him to "see you" either. In other words, stay away from people he might be in contact with, stay off facebook, don't let him "keep track" of you as much as possible. VERY, VERY DARK

3) Time...pure and simple. Develop your own life without him and enjoy YOUR pursuits on your own.

Plan B is about PERSONAL recovery even more than (possible) marital recovery. You will be glad you did it whether or not your BH ever returns to your relationship.

Sorry again for what you are going through and God Bless...


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Originally Posted by Maryse
I know that I only have to answer to myself and right now I should only do what feels right for me, but it does bother me that others seem to judge me.


Oh absolutely. I am actually looking forward to Christmas because Plan B is working for me and I am appreciating not having to negotiate the 'whose family' situations.

But in the beginning, I blew off parties and celebrations - absolutely. There were even times when I said yes to invitations - but because the wave of despair would just happen to hit a few hours beforehand, I just had to call up last minute and say I was struggling that day.

Some people just will not get it. Unless you have been through it, it is impossible to understand.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Maryse Offline OP
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In answer to your point 1: I am and have been doing my research. I started mostly as I did not think J's reasons for leaving me were valid, and his 180 in personality, morals and values seemed so crazy to me. And I learned a lot

The 'Hollywood' versions of affairs are really getting on my nerves though, they never focus on the fallout, only the excitement, lust and selfishness. And they tend to glamorise that aspect. So I am steering well clear of those.

In answer to point 2: I am in Plan B, but my WH seems to have plan B'd me too, only communicating through solicitors and his parents.

This is ok by me, I don't really want to deal with him in person. I dread having to see him knowing his lips have kissed another woman, his arms have held another woman, and I don't need to spell out the other things for all to know what I mean.

As to point 3: I a 35, time is on my side, and I intend to take it.
I lost my much, much loved father at the very early age of 56 in 05, and only time helped come to terms with this loss. I am treating this in the same way in many respects.

SDCW_man, you sound like a veteran, and I really appreciate your input and support. Just wish you had a crystal ball in which you could see what my future brings...


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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Maryse Offline OP
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WH's parent brought our 2 cats over today (they were not allowed back into the country before due to rabies restrictions).

Seems like he is trying to sever yet more ties from our lives together.

Though I'm very happy to have 'the girls' back, it also makes me very sad....


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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Posts: 11,650
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Originally Posted by Maryse
In answer to point 2: I am in Plan B, but my WH seems to have plan B'd me too, only communicating through solicitors and his parents.


Can you tell us more about your Plan B Maryse?

I ask because you say your husband only communicates through solicitors and his parents?

But if in Plan B, you will have changed all your numbers and email adresses so that he is forced to communciate with you in Plan B ways only. - He should only be able to reach you through an IM (are his parents your IM? The IM should be neutral, not his parents) or legal reps.

Once you have changed your numbers and closed off avenues of contact, it is not surprising that he doesnt contact you - it shouldnt be surprising because he cant. You will have made it impossible


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Maryse Offline OP
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I haven't changed my number or email address, as I also use those for my work.
I only spoke to his parents as they brought the cats around, other than that I'm not really in contact with them.

He knows that he can only communicate with me via solicitors.
What I meant was that since exposing his affair to his manager and colleagues he has been livid with me, and I think it's just nice and easy for him to pretend I don't exist.



Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
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The waywards will be that way at first in Plan B. FINALLY I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED.

The wanting to see you typically doesn't come until later.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Maryse Offline OP
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
FINALLY I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED.

I think you are on the money on that one KarmasRose!


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 107
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Maryse Offline OP
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Though I have been incommunicado with WH since shortly after I exposed his affair at work, I finally feel like I'm now in Plan B properly.

I have our cats back, so I no longer need to worry about them when he's off to see POSOW for days at the time, and I have to say that on the whole, I'm feeling pretty calm and peaceful.

I know that any day now I will probably find the divorce petition papers on my doormat, and even though that hurts and scares me, I feel I am getting stronger.
Some days are really good and some not so, but I'm filing this squarely under 'Progress, not Perfection'.

I'm also kinda hoping that he will start to realise what he's giving up (now that the cats are gone from his place, and I've gone dark) for POSOW. Is she really worth it?

Here's to hoping that the fog may lift, if only a little.

Last edited by Maryse; 12/07/11 03:57 AM.

Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Originally Posted by Maryse
I haven't changed my number or email address, as I also use those for my work.
I only spoke to his parents as they brought the cats around, other than that I'm not really in contact with them.

He knows that he can only communicate with me via solicitors.
What I meant was that since exposing his affair to his manager and colleagues he has been livid with me, and I think it's just nice and easy for him to pretend I don't exist.


It is important for you to know that WSs NEVER leave BSs alone to heal if it appears that that is what you want/need. He will come up with all sorts of bullspit reasons to contact you. And he will contact you in whatever way possible, purposefully to upset you and keep you in his thrall. He will get in touch because he cant find his golf clubs, do you have them?. He is getting in touch because he is so angry and must criticize you. He is sad and misses you. All of it will halt your healing. You will also know it is 'possible' for him to get in touch and so on some level are waiting for it, which is not good.

Can you at least block him on email? Do you have a strategy in case he does reach you?

For example I cannot stop my WH waiting on my doorstep or from putting a note through the door. If he does the doorstep thing I wil turn right around and go to my parents, even if it means spending the night there. If he puts a note through, I will toss it out unread.

Plan B is about protecting yor mind from his ugliness and from invasions of his nonsense, so you have to be creative, you have to block as much contact as possible and you have to have a plan.

Would you be strong enough to delete emails unread for example? That takes some willpower.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Maryse, I have been dipping in and out of your thread, seems we have some similarities in our situations. I too am not in WH's country.

Originally Posted by indiegirl
[quote=Maryse]What I meant was that since exposing his affair to his manager and colleagues he has been livid with me, and I think it's just nice and easy for him to pretend I don't exist.

People can't sustain anger indefinitely. It will fade in time. And pretend is the key word here. You can not spend 12 years with someone and forget about them overnight.

Originally Posted by indiegirl
All of it will halt your healing. You will also know it is 'possible' for him to get in touch and so on some level are waiting for it, which is not good.
Indie is right on the money here. I know early in Plan B I was waiting for WH to wake up and realise what he is missing. Changing my mobile number was a huge step in healing for me, I stopped waiting so much, stopped jumping when the phone rang.

Originally Posted by indiegirl
Would you be strong enough to delete emails unread for example? That takes some willpower.
Ummm, that does take some willpower doesn't it blush I don't know if you have read my thread at all Maryse, but I didn't have that willpower and sat on an email my WH sent for over two months. Sort of savouring having it there at my disposal for when I wanted my own fix of WH. I now understand that knowing the WS has means to contact the betrayed is what is toxic to recovery. The betrayed longs for the contact, keeps the avenues open, and then has moments of rejection when that contact does not come. If the BS closes the avenues, then it helps ease the rollercoaster. The rejection has happened, the BS is now in some sense rejecting contract from the wayward, and healing can begin.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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