Greetings. I'm new to the board.

This past summer I felt my wife of 19 years slipping away, and I knew there was a force pulling at her. She had already been out of love for the past four years and I didn't know how to deal with it properly. Too much work, volunteering, and hobbies on my part. Though I loved her and the girls, I didn't give them enough time and attention. I did try hard to change a year ago, and get her to fall in love again. But my efforts were futile, and I felt I was living the life of Lester Burnham, the guy in the movie American Beauty. I was starving for intimacy, love, and affection. And then it happened. Last year at this time I had an online emotional affair that lasted 2 months. I resisted as best as I could and I felt awful doing it. No excuses; biggest mistake of my life. My wife found out the day before I was going to tell her about it and it made things worse.

She was already demonstrating independent behavior, but after that she became much farther removed. She would spend all of her time when she wasn't working on the computer in her room. It got worse and worse, and I knew by early July that something was terribly wrong so I did what I should had done long, long ago: I got help. I read Harley's books and got in touch with a marriage counselor. I then went into plan A. But it was too late. She was already deep into an affair with a man she met online. (She had told me after I ended my emotional affair that she now had a green light to have one herself.) The man she met lives overseas. She met up with him over the summer on a two week trip. She told me she was a friend (her friend covered for her), but I suspected something was up. Without getting into all the sordid details, the affair persisted, and she did her best to cover it up. I knew something was up, kept asking her about it, and she kept lying. Finally, in early September she admitted she was having an affair. I gave her a choice leaving the affair or leaving the house, and she chose the latter without hesitation. (The man is very wealthy and she has formed a very deep connection with him.)

So I went into plan B (though I still communicate by e-mail and text child/business matters). I did my best to fight for her, including full exposure to her family. I filed for a legal separation when it became clear she wasn't going to leave her lover. I let her know that I was keeping open the door to marital reconciliation. She asked for a divorce and that process is now underway.

This has been the most difficult experience of my life. My children are suffering terribly. I am taking the children to therapy sessions to help them, and to give me direction on what I can do to minimize the damage to them. I want to avoid making mistakes which are easy to do since they are caught in the middle of an ugly situation.

My anger and hurt have not subsided much since August. I don't believe in divorce, and outside of abuse or addictions, I believe that married couples have an obligation to do everything they can to preserve their family and honor the covenant that binds them. Granted, I made mistakes that contributed to my wife's loss of love for me, but I never stopped loving her and I never stopped trying. She did. She just quit. She didn't take one proactive step or look for help outside to fix our problems, heal her resentment, and stoke the flames of passion that died in her long ago.

What makes things worse is that she plans to live overseas with this man. For me it will actually make it easier to move on. I won't have to see her. Seeing her just hurts me and enrages me. However, the kids are going to be hurt by this. She has giving me full custody of the kids, and I'm very glad. But this isn't easy for the girls.

Here is where I would like some feedback. Now that I am at this point, I am trying to get in a mindset to move on. I know that this is a process--a grieving process--that takes time. But now that I'm four months into this, I just want the pain and the anger to subside a little more than it has. Things have improved since this all came down. I'm not crying everyday like I used to, and the depression is no longer physically felt. But I can't shake the anger, resentment, and hurt. I still have days where it dominates my every thought when I'm alone. I want to combat the anger and pain and not be owned by them. More importantly, I want to provide my daughters with a happy home, free of sadness and enmity. They need and deserve that. Through this ordeal I have showered them with love and we are a very tight unit. But there are days I get down and can't shake the blues and the anger. What are some things I can do to combat them?

Thank you for taking time to read this.

Welcome. I'm sorry.

I'm afraid that it's just going to take time. Lots of time. You are still very early into this. I separated from my ex-husband 2 years and 4 months ago. The divorce was final 8 1/2 months ago. I've started feeling like "myself" in the last month or two. And I've been working hard on my recovery.

I'd suggest that you look for some kind of divorce recovery group. I found DivorceCare to be very helpful. How old are the girls? Some DivorceCare groups have DivorceCare 4 Kids.

My teen boys have been in counseling for several months, and it's been helpful for them. I also have two adult daughters who live with me. They are slowly recovering as well.

It's very important for you to take care of yourself at this time. Try to make sure you eat and sleep enough. If you are too down, talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. If you cannot find a divorce group, then consider going to individual counseling. Your children's healing depends on you.

Kirby, Thank you for the suggestion about a divorce group and your take on recovery time. I will look into it.

I'm glad you are finally getting back to yourself, and I wish you luck. Happy holidays!

Justthe3,
I'm really sorry for the situation you're in. I think you have come to a good place to get some support and I also feel the principles described here can help you focus on something besides the pain and anger you feel.
I think it's great that your kids have you and you are supportive. They must feel taht their mother has abanded them and that they have a storng male figure to count on is so important.
I have to preface what I'm going to say: I think medications can be positive when used for very specific pursposes and for very short lengths of time. You may be a candidate for some light anti-depressants to give you some distance of time from this situation. I would speak to your doctor about it. I did this myself and it helped -- even just to sleep during the hardest part of the divorce process. I still have half the bottle because I never wound up needing the whole thing. Oh, and try not to be alone (!) ... get busy doing stuff, dude. physical stuff. That was good advice I got and I have all sorts of projects done to show for it (kids' rooms painted, etc).

You're doing yourself a huge favor being in Plan B, for you. But I wouldn't count on her going overseas -- waywards say all kinds of crap like that- although I have to admit that one's pretty rich!

As for divorce, it does get better. For now, I'd say just keep focusing on yourself and the girls and come here whenever you want. We've all gotten support here so now we try to help others like others helped us.

~Optimism

I echo Optimism's "get busy" and don't be alone too much.

Are you angry at your STBX or angry in general? I think the trick is to not allow the anger to seep into the rest of your life and not to become bitter.

I only feel mad at my ex when I have to interact with him. So, then I call one of my divorced girlfriends and [censored] for a few minutes, or hours depending on the transgression.

On the other hand, after losing my second husband, I do sometimes start to feel self-pity. My counter for that is to count all my blessings.

There was a period of time when I was rip-roaring mad at Mike for dying. I plotted elabaorate revenge, mainly in the design of his tombstone, and I got some satisfaction in doing little things I knew would get his goat. Of course, Mike can't exactly retaliate. But if your STBX lives over seas, her ability to retaliate may be diminished. Things like painting the living room in a cammo motif could work well, with the added benefit that it will scare all boys who want to date your daughters.

The one thing to be careful of is letting your anger drive the divorce. Divorce is a business transaction, and like all major business transactions, it will effect your life for years. So, you need to be logical and keep the end game in mind.

The first thing you need to do is get on your knees and thank GOD you have full custody of your kids. I can't tell you what I would do for that privledge! Also, it seems like she was looking for an out to the marriage and your EA provided that. I would keep this in mind if you're considering trying to get her back. She is most likely gone for good and I think this is probably a blessing in disguise, especially if you have your kids.

Do you believe that Adultery is abuse? Dr. Harley was saying on the radio show this week that having a spouse in an affair is like being raped repeatedly -- people who have gone through both would choose the latter.
I think some of the anger may subside when you realize you have removed your children from witnessing the most brutal abuse one can inflict on another. I don't believe in D either, never did, except I always said if there was abuse I was out. When now-exWW refused to stop seeing her BF (however casual or harmless it was in her definition), I knew I was setting a bad example for my son if I continued to tolerate it.
Still painful, not as much anger.

opt

Optimism, Greengables, and JtotheC,
Thank you for your responses. Your insights are helpful. Yes, I am very thankful that my wife has agreed to give me full custody of the girls. And, yes, I am working on keeping busy (the house, which we let go of, is back to being nice again...but can I please get some help with the dishes and laundry?). JtotheC, I agree that she is probably gone for good. She checked out of the marriage awhile back. And Optimism, you point about adultery being abuse is duly noted.

Anyway, I've been much better at managing the anger since I posted this thread. Actually, I feel as if I'm lifting myself off the canvas for the last time and I'm not going down again. I understand that I'm going to be grieving for a long time, but I think I've turned a corner. I went for a run this morning and I heard the song "Firework" by Katy Perry. () I reflected on the words, and in this season of Advent and Christmas it made me realize that we are all created in God's image and likeness. We need to let His light shine through us. That thought really lifted my spirits. A friend of mine sent me a great message about enduring the holidays when grieving that also that helped. Here is a link: http://daily.upperroom.org/?p=699&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+upperroom%2FjWhD+%28Upper+Room+Daily+Reflections%29

I am now able to push aside the resentment and anger...or at least manage it better. I focus on the great blessings in my life. Life is beautiful and I am determined to find happiness.

I drafted this prayer to help me keep focus on the important things:

A Prayer for Grace

Help me, Father,
To give my girls my love and full devotion
To put You and them first and serve You and them well
To give my job my best
To avoid judgment and eschew hatred
To fall not prey to resignation and hopelessness
To give thanks each day for what I have
To carry this pain as a sacrifice to those who are suffering,
not as an indulgence or act of self-pity, and
To recognize that love never fails.

I love your prayer, one of the things I've done was I set my watch alarm for 3pm, when it goes off I pray for my wife and kids, Some days I don't much feel like praying for my WW but I know it has helped me remember to consistently pray for her.

I will pray for the Holy Spirit to convict her and to make her face the sin in her life. I pray for her soul

SC

Thanks, SC. It is hard to pray for those who hurt us, but we are called to do that I believe. I keep that prayer on my nightstand. I had two copies, and I was surprised to find that one of them was removed and pinned to the wall in my daughter's bedroom. Go figure.

Update:

I didn't know what to expect this holiday season. I knew it would be sad, but I wasn't sure how my girls and I would fair. Well, overall, we have done well. We maintained a lot of our old traditions and started a couple of new ones.

The first Christmas as a broken family was hard on everyone, including both sides of the family. I really feel bad for my in-laws. This is hard on them too. The breakup of our family is and will always be horrible. Having said that, we've not let the situation spoil the Christmas season. My daughters and I spent Christmas Eve with my in-laws (Ex did not attend) and Christmas day with my family. All the parties were very nice, and sharing Christmas with family helped all of us. Christmas is a joyful season, and in spite of present hurts, we made this a special holiday season. My girls have been in good spirits, and my family and my in-laws have been a huge source of loving support. I'm surprised to say the least. I expected a blue Christmas. That's not to say I didn't shed a few tears and didn't fret. I did, but the love and support of my family and in-laws was a special Christmas gift. And, of course, it was great being Santa to my kids, nephews, and nieces.

Wishing you all a very happy holidays.

Drama today.

My kids are spending the second half of their Christmas vacation with STBX. They came home for a couple of hours as she had something to do. They complained that she was up on SKYPE till 5:00 a.m. They could hear her all night. This, of course, angered me. I told the girls I was going to address this. They pleaded with me not to say anything to her. I decided to go against their wishes. I called STBX and asked her not to commit adultery in our children's presence and told her she was setting a horrible example. She was irate with me and with the girls for spilling the beans. After the conversation, a fog babble-filled text dialog ensued. She accused me of "brainwashing" the girls. She said that I have taken away everything from her, and now even the girls. She complained that I am the "hero" to her family and she is "the worst person of 2011." (She lives in a small apartment with her mom, and her family has not supported her actions. I have the girls and the house right now.) She has given up everything to be with her lover (on Skype with an occasional overseas visit and the promise of an opulent life together in the future). She spent Christmas alone for the most part. Now that she has the girls for awhile this happens, and she feels that their telling me about her SKYPEing till 5:00 a.m. is a betrayal. I calmly explained to her that her situation is a function of her decision. I asked her not to blame the children because they are the innocent ones in this, and that they tell me things to vent their frustrations. She took exception to the latter, and I followed up by explaining that it is reasonable for the kids to not like their mom having an affair. She then said she doesn't want to see her "traitor" kids, that they're mine now. She's doing this to deflect blame from herself to me, of course. The fog is thick in this one's mind.

When I told the kids that they weren't going back to their mom's they were livid with me for bringing it up. Of course, I felt bad and second guessed my actions. The rest of the afternoon was pretty bad. The girls were angry with me and brooded. Later my daughter asked me to go to the apartment and get her things. She refused to go herself though. She didn't want to face her mom. The youngest said she would go and she would ask if her mom would reconsider. I dropped her off at the front door. Two minutes later the door opens and STBX dumps the children's belongings outside the door. The little one comes out in tears. She tells me she was yelled out and wasn't even greeted nicely. I comforted her and hugged her.

When we get home, little one tells the older one, and now both are angry at their mom and don't want to go there to visit. I explained to both girls that they did nothing wrong and not to feel bad or guilty. I let them know that their mom's reaction is inappropriate and selfish. I told them that the wife I've know for 27 years and the mom they've known all their lives would never do this. I didn't say this to bash Mom, but to make sure that they don't feel bad for sharing their frustrations with me: something every child should feel free and safe to do. By the way, I don't fish for information from the girls anymore. That ship has sailed. But if they share something with me I listen and I will ask a few follow up questions. I've made it clear to them that neither parent should be secretive or put them in the middle of secrets. I also made it clear that I don't want them to feel like they're spying for me. I'm trying my best not to make them pawns in this mess.

Anyway, after all that I took them out to dinner to my youngest one's favorite place, and we played Monopoly after that. We had a lot of fun. That got their minds off it a little and cheered them up. A bad day ended well.

As far as the STBX goes, her resentment is very strong right now, and I'm not looking forward to even chillier relations moving forward.

Finally, I'm doing my best to not put the girls in the middle of my STBX and me. I'm not sure if it was right for me to confront her about her late night chat sessions in the girl's presence, but it will probably help in making her contact more discreet in the future. I'm feeling better today about the way I handled this, but a part of me feels I should not have said anything to my STBX.

You probably shouldn't have said anything, but you need to chalk it up to lessons learned and move forward. Your STBX is a complete whack-a-doodle at this point.

From now on, don't discuss Mom or her problems/issues with the children at all. You said earlier that they are in counseling. Make sure their therapist knows what's going on. How old are the girls?

Hello Kirby,

Yes, lesson learned. My girls are 9 and 12. I will steer clear of discussions about Mom, but the issues, as you know, are a daily event, and we have 6 months of high drama ahead of us. Trying to minimize it as best I can. And, yes, I will bring this up with the therapist next time we meet. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

And I'm so very sorry. The good news is that an involved father is very important for raising emotionally healthy daughters. You're doing your part. Good job!

Document it, it will help you with custody

This is what I tell my kids.

"Daddy is not supposed to have a girlfriend because he is married to mommy. I know it is hard to see daddy's GF because we all love daddy very much. I will always be here to talk about daddy safely. Daddy isn't able to be our loving daddy we used to live with because his relationship with OW is wrong, so daddy is behaving wrong."

Thanks again, Kirby, MFJ, and IITL. I will be sure to document. Thanks for the suggestion, MFJ. I like your straight talk, IITL. I try to be matter-of-fact in the same way when I do have to talk to my girls about things.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm very glad to put 2011 in the rear view mirror. Here's to a happy and prosperous 2012 for all of us.

Cheers!

Outright confrontation is usually not the best course of action when co-parenting with an xww. I've found SO many things that piss me off like no other as far as how she parents our daughter. At first, I would confront her immediately and demand she stop doing whatever it was she was doing. Of course, she would just get defensive and end up doing the exact opposite of what I recommended. In other words, confronting her head on with what I believed was the truth achieved absolutely nothing.

For a time, I subscribed to the school of thought that whatever happens at mommy's house is between her and our daughter (as long as abuse isn't involved). This mentality saved me from trying to control something I couldn't and getting extremely frustrated when XWW didn't comply with what I thought was right. I think there is a middle road, however, and it's one that I am very recently trying to take. It basically involves suggesting certain things in a reasoned, non-threatening way and keeping the lines of communication open. No accusations or put downs, at all (this has been REALLY hard!!!). XWW may not end up taking any of my suggestions but, it's the best chance I have to exert any influence over someone who is a paltry mom, at best. The problem is that this strategy takes a HUGE amount of emotional self control, especially after what XWW did to our family. But, I don't have to be great at it right away. All that matters is that I'm getting better at it with each interaction.

It is a very good post here. Need to spread it.
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