Married 3 years, found out recently wife was having an EA that turned PA. She did not tell me, I caught her. She ended it immediately, told OM to stay away, trickle truthed everything out, but I believe I know everything. Said she wasn't really interested in him but liked the attention and the rush, but knew all along she really loved me and could not pull herself away.

Regardless, we have had a very good marriage, a fantastic courtship and story of coming together, etc. and there is alot of good reasons to save this marriage. I truly believe she loves me, hates herself for what she's done, will probably never do it again, and I do love her.

The twist: After being a victim of infidelity in my last marriage I never wanted to go through this again, and in fact have very little tolerance for others having affairs, bad feelings, etc.

So I know there are so many of you that are fighting to save your marriage in spite of your spouse's infidelity, then why am I so ambivalent about reconciling? I have a spouse that I love, she really does love me, wants to do anything to reconcile, etc. so why do I care so little to put it together? I feel like asking for someone to talk me into staying because I know it's probably the right thing to do, but I'm still ambivalent!

Welcome back, manfaith, although that seems an odd thing to say in the circumstances!

Do you have good reasons for staying? For example, do you have children with your wife? You said that you love her and she loves you. Isn't that a good reason - the knowledge that you could be happy again, if you use the MB programe to rebuild your marriage?

ManFaith

Were your posts from 2001 and 2002 with former W?

What is the history here? You have a long stretch between posts......

nESRE

Thank you for the quick responses. To answer the questions, we do not have any children together, but each brought two children to the marriage. They would be devastated if this ended, and would be completely surprised.

The reason for the long time between posts is, unfortunatley, because I divorced and remarried in the interim 10 years and am sad to say I am right back on this forum seeking advice.

Logic tells me to stick it out and try, I really could have something more amazing than what it was. However, it was already pretty amazing and it can't help but make me question why she could do it, and how she could so easily forget how great it was. We have only been married three years. She tells me she knows that she has some issues, and is in counseling already to try to address them.

However, I still feel dead inside, and have a very difficult time trying to be warm and respond to her constant attempts to be warm, talk, apologize, address my concerns, etc. She is doing everything right, however I just feel dead inside.

Sorry, forgot to respond to the "Manfaith" question. That was my previous ID when I so badly wanted it to work out with my ex. The ironic thing is I later realized I didn't really love her, but my current wife I definitely love, but am so bothered by this, or maybe jaded by all the infidelity in this world that I'm just sick of it.

In that case, I strongly urge you & your wife to make a appointments with the MB coaching team.
Get your wife to commit to doing whatever they say.

That's you very BEST chance of actual recovery, given your current state of mind.

If POJA and RADICAL HONESTY were a part of your marriage, the affair would never have happened.

Start with those 2 concepts first. With POJA and RH in place, make sure you have UA time minimum 15 hours/week.

CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

ManofFaith --

I think your response to this injury is the logical one.
When someone is hurt in this way it would be strange if you reacted any differently.

Put the onus on your wife. If she wants to save the marriage, let her do the heavy lifting. Let her win you over.

Three years is a very short time to be married before an affair arises. I am also surprised because you say it was such a good courtship and marriage, and she loves you still.

Tell us about the affair. Who was it with? Do they work together? Does he live in your town? How did the affair end? How did you find out about it? Is he married? How does your wife explain doing such a devastating thing so early in her marriage? Most WWs say that they had been unhappy for a long time. If this is her excuse, then her unhappiness started very early in your marriage.

I'm not blaming you for her affair, BTW. I just would like to hear what she says about it.

Yes, three years is such a short time. I found out completely by accident by checking her cell phone in the middle of the night and found the texts. I didn't suspect anything so I have no idea why I checked the phone. She is in sales and he is a customer, he came on to her strongly and constantly, she liked the attention, and came to feel that maybe her marriage wasn't so great. She told me she loved me throughout, but couldn't stop herself. It seemed to be all about the attention. It briefly became physical, twice, she says, and it was very unsatisfying and upsetting to her both times. She cried and pulled away both times very upset.

She says this happened because she felt that she couldn't talk to me, and did feel unhappy, particularly the past six months. She says she has no idea why she couldn't talk to me, especially after how well I have handled the hearing about the affair and assuring her I do love her, but I do hate her actions and don't know if I can forgive or not. I do feel that in the end she didn't really have feelings for the guy and was just trying to get out of it. However, she said she just didn't have the strength. She said it started by the attention, and him telling her that he was lonely and unhappy and that she was the perfect woman.

As of now, the one nagging thing in my mind is I don't think she can satisfactorily explain why she made her choices and why she pursued this because it was consensual.

We are in counseling, and the counselor recommends that as long as most of the details have come out, and she is remorseful, then don't discuss the affair and just work on the marriage. I do feel as though I still need to understand it though.

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She put your health at risk for STD's. Have you both been checked?

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