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Wideload #2572702 12/07/11 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
If he's an employee at that hotel, there may be repercussions you don't know about.


Oh absolutely. The hotel management wil prob be alarmed at hearing theyve hired a sex pest but (like a lot of companies on here who have had exposure) they will play it down, act like its no big deal, in case you/your wife pursues them for sexual harrassment.

They want you to give up and go away so they have put up a strong silent front. But they may still have hauled him in for a b)ll0cking - or even fired him. I bet waiters arent so hard to come by in Turkey. If you think there is more you can do to stir things up, then by all means follow up the email with a phone call and make sure you annoy somebody senior.

If you tick them off enough, they'll tell the waiter off just so they dont have to put up with another phone call like that again (Do tell the manager hes seducing a number of married women and that this prob wont be his only complaint from an aggrieved husband).


Originally Posted by Wideload
. The problem I have I feel like I did on the day I found out about the OM but only worst. I have fighting thoughts in my mind to ask WW to leave but my heart tells me to keep at it after the pic and love note I feel so let down.

Thanks


You're on the rollercoaster of emotions - as we have all been before you. One day you're all about repairing the love, the next its all vengeance. Feelings change daily.

Remember the MB plans are mainly for you. They are aimed at giving you OPTIONS. Follow the plans logically and thoroughly. I promise you that when you are in a position to choose what you want to do, you will be in the strongest position possible to do that. Whether it be divorce or recovery.

Most BSs on here says it takes up to six months to feel like they are in any position to make permanent decisions. So just work the plans in the meantime - they are for you and for your healing, if not for the marriage. God bless.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I think she is still in contact with him, through her work e-mail but the friend I had at her work is no longer taking any risks to check up on her for me. Can't blame her really.


Since Sunday she has been all sweetness and light , not sure what to make of it or am l just looking for demons that are not there. Hell my head is a mess. WW was even talking about our holiday that we have book for next year.

Thanks for your continued support.

Wideload #2576718 12/20/11 11:57 AM
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ok just thought i would pop back and give you all an update.

After i confornted my wife about the picture and love note from the OM things have got a little better. As you all know Xmas is upon us and we have her Mum and Dad coming to stay with us over Xmas. I can not work out if it is an act so she can get Xmas out of the way.

We have been going out and talking not about the fling but life and home she talks about the future and also she is texting me alot also giving me details about what she is doing.

She has now also changed the passed words on her FB and gmail i can not longer check, i still get the odd look at her phone which is no longer stuck to her side.

My fears about Xmas is making me not respond to her, i have been out and bought loads of presents and a nice card but can not seem to wrap the presents or write the card for her, done everyones else's but keep putting her's back in the draw.

i konw we are only 2 1/2 months since i found out and things seem to be moving in the right direction.

She still can not tell me how she feels about me although you get the odd kiss in a text message.

Can she be happy to allow touching ie hair play, cuddles back rubs and only be acting.

I am still in another room and can't seem to find my way back to the master bedroom, i want her to show me she wants me.

i have become a domestic god, and have done more ironing and washing in the past 2 months thn i have in 20years, i seem to be meeting her EN's but more time i guess is the answer.



She still has me all messed up and don't know what to make of it all.


Last edited by Wideload; 12/20/11 11:59 AM.
Wideload #2576721 12/20/11 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Wideload
She has now also changed the passed words on her FB and gmail i can not longer check, i still get the odd look at her phone which is no longer stuck to her side.


WL, I would install a keylogger on her computer so you can see what she is doing. A good one is eblaster at spectorpro.com. It will email you hourly reports. You can get her passwords this way. The fact that she changed her passwords indicates she is not serious. I would slap the keylogger on there and then ask her for all of her passwords. Becoming transparent is a basic part of extraordinary precautions.

Quote
i have become a domestic god, and have done more ironing and washing in the past 2 months thn i have in 20years, i seem to be meeting her EN's but more time i guess is the answer.

Why are you doing housework? I would suggest you focus on more important emotional needs such as the INTIMATE emotional needs, conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. Doing housework is not going to make many lovebank deposits for you.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Wideload #2576761 12/20/11 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Wideload
I am still in another room and can't seem to find my way back to the master bedroom, i want her to show me she wants me.


Wideload, Why do you keep walking on eggshells? The wayward does not drive the recovery bus, YOU do. How can someone drunk on the high of an affair show you the way home? The goal is not to keep her sweet, it is to TAKE CHARGE. (Hint � women like that)

Appeasement and ironing do not work.

Your wife has cast you in the role of the helpful gay housemate. You are not meeting any of her intimate needs. Someone else is doing that on FB or gmail. She probably tells him (and indeed, herself) they are not doing anything wrong because �he sleeps in the spare room� �we both know the marriage is over� �we�re just friends now� �it�s just for the kids� and the classic � �I love him but I�m not in love with him�

Stop putting up with this. Move your gear back into YOUR bedroom. Tell her this is where you will be tonight if she wants to join you. Tell her you can�t stay away because you miss her and this is your rightful place. Tell her that married people sleep in the same room. DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYTHING SHE SAYS If she rants and raves � listen intently with a caring look on your face (think about football or something while you do, as I guarantee it will be all fogbabble), then carry on unpacking your stuff into drawers. Be as deaf as the proverbial post. If she threatens to sleep elsewhere tell her she will be welcomed back with open arms WHEN (not if) she changes her mind.

Keep to a set script. DO NOT give her the �we�re just friends and sleep in different rooms� fantasy. Do not enable. Fight the fog babble.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Wideload #2576792 12/20/11 03:18 PM
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Quote
She has now also changed the passed words on her FB and gmail i can not longer check, i still get the odd look at her phone which is no longer stuck to her side.
Wideload, you've got me riddled with questions.

Has this been exposed to her parents? To everyone? Why isn't there a keylogger on that machine? Why no spyware on her phone?

Why are you doing so much housework? Is this something the two of you agreed to?

And why the heck can't you find your way back to the master bedroom??? It's right there, down the hall where it's always been! uhuh



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Wideload #2576799 12/20/11 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Wideload
I am still in another room and can't seem to find my way back to the master bedroom, i want her to show me she wants me.
While you should not be aggressive, Wideload, neither should you be a wimp. Why are you sleeping in another room?

My H had an affair, and I can't IMAGINE how he would have got me to move out of MY BEDROOM because of his affair.

Can't you see how ridiculous it is for you to have moved out?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2576813 12/20/11 03:54 PM
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Wideload, you need to man up here, my friend. Take off the apron and get back in room. Your wife needs a man, not a girlfriend.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2581826 01/06/12 02:29 AM
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Hi Guys

I moved back into the bedroom just before xmas, there was no fuss. I stayed laying awake for about 2 hours with mixed emotions until I finally got up and when downstairs not being able to sleep. My WW followed me down about an hour later and asked why I was downstairs, when I told her that I was still upset by the whole affair and that she could not tell me her feeling towards me, she said I must love you because I could not sleep and I had to come and she had to come and find me. In the back of my mind the only reason she came.to find me was that her parents were coming to is for Xmas.

So I collected her parents and bought them to our house. We had a really good Xmas fun, laughter and dancing. I felt close to my wife again, and her mother commented how happy we looked. For a few days it felt great.

After her parents returned home I took my wife for a drink to the local pub, and she dressed up looking fantastic, we had a good time and returned home and I made a pass at her which was totally rebuffed, I went to kiss her and she turned her face away so that no contact could be made and made it very clear she did not want me in that way. I told her that I such a fool now for making pass at her, and she tried to reasure me that I wasn't and she just does want me in that way.

So I am so confused we now we have cuddle while watching tv together, hair play some touching but I am unable to get her to interact with SF and I have noticed that she will not undressed in front of me either, she also does not like any contact in bed, ie the cuddles she happy with while watching tv.

I text her at work yesterday and she replied she was on facebook and I pointed out that it was her other life and asked.if I had anything to worry about. I got no reply. I text her again to prompt a reply. What I got back was "what has brought this on again" So I asked her again and pointed out she had avoided my question. The reply I got was "No I am not in contact with *edit* " she again asked me why I asked. I told I was scared of losing my wife and asked.to to tell me how she feels about me and to be honest with her feelings. She failed to reply.

I tried to continue it with her when we were both home from work but all she did was to say nothing, she has the inability to tell me how she feels.

So I tried to explain to her that all she is doing is to continue to reject me and it make me feel resentful , I asked for her passwords which she refuse to give me. She also has stopped using the computer at home and only goes on FB and gmail via work.

I am somewhere and no where really, she talks about future events and even our wedding anniversary which is in weeks we are arranging to go away for a long weekend without our two boys.

Last edited by MBSeasons; 01/06/12 10:34 AM. Reason: Removing identifying name
Wideload #2581831 01/06/12 03:52 AM
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wideload,
If your wife refuses to give you her passwords she is having an affair.
I went through the same garbage from my wife.
Have you read Surviving an Affair?
You need to protect YOURSELF from her.
I'm a novice to the MB program but it seems that you need to start preparing for Plan B.

Wideload #2581845 01/06/12 08:17 AM
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Tell your WW that those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Time to expose WW behavior to her parents and siblings. Include the remark that she is breaking NC, refuses to share passwords so you can verify NC. That WW said trust me before and we all know what happened then. That she must be in an affair she will not let you touch her.

Wideload #2581848 01/06/12 08:23 AM
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She is still in the fog and asking for space, because she is still fantasizing about the affair. Domestic god? More like domestic goddess. She is acting this way, because she is still in control. What she needed is to be able to envision life without you. But instead you pamper her, clean, cook and wash. So she does some scummy turk barman, and you become a domestic goddess. Let me enlighten you. Your wife continues in the fog because you have basically rewarded her for cheating. You need to realize that this happened because she lost respect for you. You have not demanded it, so she remains in control. Your wife has continued to lie to you about the turk and contacting him. She isn't loving you, because she doesn't respect you. You can have respect without love. Like a policeman. But you cannot have love without respect. Tell you what maybe if you are real lucky your wife will let you exfoliate her tootsies tonight, before she blame shifts more. THE FACT IS YOUR WIFE IS NOT CONTRITE ABOUT HER CHEATING. You want her back. Take back your testicles, calmly tell her that she doesn't deserve you, that you are not going to put your life on hold, while she fantasizes about some POSOM. Tell her you are contacting a lawyer, separating finances, canceling credit cards. YOUR WIFE ACTS THE WAY SHE DOES BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ENABLING HER AND HER ENTITLED ATTITUDE. The more you chase her, follow her around, tell her you love her, the less she respects you. A woman needs to respect her man. Sorry.

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You do need to man up here, Wideload.

You aren�t going to �nice� your wife back into love with you. She wants you as a buddy and to have nasty cybersex with the Turkish loser on the side.

That is the set up you are supporting.

Read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A thread -

I think you need some coaching on your Plan A because Plan A is not Plan doormat. You are doing the carrot part right by meeting her need for affection etc, but you aren�t doing any �stick�

The Stick of Plan A involves the following

Exposure to everyone concerned � her parents should have known �you should never have allowed the fake family Christmas � expose to them and anyone else whose opinion your WW cares about without delay. She should have no support or group where it is possible for her to lie to gain support for her poor choices so thats her friends your mutual friends etc.

Shake up the OMs world � Heard nothing about exposure here. Have you made trouble for him in his job/family? Your WW needs to see you fight for her. She won�t like you not being buddyboy any more but she needs to see a husband not a lacklustre friend who is not fighting for her out of love.

Tell your wife her continued secrecy WILL lead to a divorce and you will not be her friend afterwards. Met her needs for now, but let her know it is a limited edition deal and her time will run out. Insist she gives you all passwords and accounts for her time.

Tell your wife her failure to meet your needs and failure to commit to the marriage will see you divorced � bust up her fantasy of a �happy divorce� too where you stay friends and you aren�t a bit hurt

NC letter? I forget if you did this � again, make it ultra clear that failure to comply will lead to divorce.

I would be making serious preparations for Plan B because she is not serious.

Men have to do a much better Plan A than women. Be unshakeable. Be James Bond. Act as if you are the best thing she could ever imagine and it is only a matter of time before she comes around.Tel her the consequences for not agreeing but also add that you are sure she will do the right thing laugh Be confident.

You have to appear strong, even though you do not feel that way.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Dark days are upon me I feel lost with what is going on we are three months in and although I have listen to the advice given here there appears to be no change to my WW emotions towards me or am I just getting it wrong.

We have arranged our weekend away for our wedding anniversary which is two week she seems happy that we are going, we had a LB the other night and I said things that really I should have kept to myself with the way I am feeling, and she enquired if I was going to cancel our weekend away. Which of course I said no I would not as I thought it was what we needed to get away for a couple of days.

I asked her if here feeling where changing towards me and this is the reply I got,

"As I have said before my feeling gradually went over ten years. I can not suddenly turn them back on and can't guarantee they will ever be back and the way that I am behaving is not make me feel very positive"

So I have thought about the way I have been behaving and I don�t see what I am doing wrong other than showing love and helping around the house all the things you would expect a husband to be doing. I think because I have asked about her feeling and I also asked her to be honest with them. I also bought up the way she speaks to me never with any manners always like an order and no please or thank you for anything.

Again she replied with negative vibes, "I think we are reaching the end the way things stand"

I thought three months in and I would start to see a change she does seem really depressed of late and unwilling to do anything, and seem to complain about anything and everything.

I am 99% sure there is no longer any contact.

Anybody please give me a life line as I am loosing the will to carry on with her at things are.

Wideload

indiegirl #2587938 01/20/12 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Wideload
she enquired

this is the reply I got,

I have asked about her feeling

I also bought up the way she speaks

Again she replied with negative vibes,


You were told to ACT to kill the affair. Not sit around listening to her drunken ramblings.

Your entire post consists of �she said..she replied� when it doesn�t matter WHAT she says � you shouldn�t be listening to her!

Waywards are addicts and only talk nonsense. You would get more done listening to the local town drunk. If you sit around talking, feeling, sharing and hoping, with your drunken �dont have a clue� wife things will just continue to get worse and worse.

You were supposed to do the following:

Exposure to her family her friends and your family and friends
Exposure to OM family/friends/job
Insist radical honesty and transparency from your wife
NC letter


Is it done?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2588786 01/22/12 11:03 AM
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Earlier you were talking about your overweight problem:

How much do you weigh and is your weight a lovebuster?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
imagine #2588789 01/22/12 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by imagine
Earlier you were talking about your overweight problem:

How much do you weigh and is your weight a lovebuster?


Being overweight is not a lovebuster

Plus this is a distraction from the job at hand. He needs to expose and kill the a, he can't meet any needs until these jobs are done.

Of course he should say he is willing to meet her need for PA should she bring it up but he can focus on needs meeting when there is a marriage to save.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Wideload #2589420 01/24/12 04:59 AM
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Hello Wideload.

I have experienced somewhat similar situation like you and therefore I think maybe I can help.
Originally Posted by Wideload
I thought three months in and I would start to see a change she does seem really depressed of late and unwilling to do anything, and seem to complain about anything and everything.
It means that the affair is still ongoing or there is a new affair.
Quote
I am 99% sure there is no longer any contact.
Based on you described above and based on what I have experienced personally I will assure you - there is contact.

How can you be sure? What kind of independent information does back you up?
Quote
Anybody please give me a life line as I am loosing the will to carry on with her at things are.

Wideload
MB is a life line. Plan A and Plan B - have you read about them here?

The main problem is that your WW has succeeded to convince you that her affair and the current state of marriage is somehow your fault. She doesn't have to change herself at all.

But this approach does not solve any of your problems or increase her love towards you as you are witnessing.

The withdrawal from that kind of short affair (without contact of course) cannot last months. The affair is still out there. Kill it. Show you are not tolerating this kind of nonsense your WW is giving you. Execute MB plans and you have greatest possible chance to get back the respect and the marriage.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
She is still in the fog and asking for space, because she is still fantasizing about the affair. Domestic god? More like domestic goddess. She is acting this way, because she is still in control. What she needed is to be able to envision life without you. But instead you pamper her, clean, cook and wash. So she does some scummy turk barman, and you become a domestic goddess. Let me enlighten you. Your wife continues in the fog because you have basically rewarded her for cheating. You need to realize that this happened because she lost respect for you. You have not demanded it, so she remains in control. Your wife has continued to lie to you about the turk and contacting him. She isn't loving you, because she doesn't respect you. You can have respect without love. Like a policeman. But you cannot have love without respect. Tell you what maybe if you are real lucky your wife will let you exfoliate her tootsies tonight, before she blame shifts more. THE FACT IS YOUR WIFE IS NOT CONTRITE ABOUT HER CHEATING. You want her back. Take back your testicles, calmly tell her that she doesn't deserve you, that you are not going to put your life on hold, while she fantasizes about some POSOM. Tell her you are contacting a lawyer, separating finances, canceling credit cards. YOUR WIFE ACTS THE WAY SHE DOES BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ENABLING HER AND HER ENTITLED ATTITUDE. The more you chase her, follow her around, tell her you love her, the less she respects you. A woman needs to respect her man. Sorry.

Excuse me, which of theses suggestions did you try? None, as far as I can see. Since you failed at every turn with her, how about trying my suggestions now? Go see a lawyer, separate bank accounts. Cancel the trip. File for divorce. Look you have tried everything else. You might as well try my advice. Maybe if you take charge and do this, it may clear the fog. What's the worse case?

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