Perfect thinking! Would he be interested in going out on some dates with you? Where you both dress up for each other?


I don't either. You have a plan and you are working it. That is all you can do for now..

MelodyLane-I am not sure if he will or not, but that is what I was thinking we would be doing for the UA time. Trying to think positive at this point.
Thanks for the encouragement.

Hi Raging .. my wife discovered that her aversion was not deep rooted enough that she needed to do so. My wife DID do the excercises for a little bit though but never had to actually finish them. It was my negative reactions to her lack of need meeting that was causing it. Basicly I lovebusted her so bad that I could never keep our love bank balance in the positive. It always border lined neutral or it was in the red. That was .. until i discovered MB and began to work on what caused my wife to lose her love for me. For a while I would be doing PLAN A and our balance would begin to move into the green and then my taker would slip out and start demanding for my needs to be met because she would start to be nice to me again... and we would slip back into a negative balance. Teetering back and forth until i got a grip on my taker and just gave up having my needs met for a while. I basicly had to prove to my wife that MB worked... but it had to work on ME first before she would be convinced that it was effective. When i failed at keeping things "Safe" and my taker kicked in .. she would then say "see .. MB doesnt work ... obviously its working well for you!" in a sarcastic tone. Then we would be back at day 1 again .. and our love balance was 0 or less again.

Sorry for rambling ... hopefully that answers your question.

edit to add... it was kinda like that movie .. Ground Hog Day. I had to get it right or it would just repeat itself all over from the beginning again.

By my reading, she has not said she wants to meet her H needs She has written about doing exercises to overcome SF aversion So I can see where Marcos might infer that she wants to meet those needs even though she hasn't said as much.

It is a good question. RC, what DO you have to say about that?

Do you want to meet your husbands emotional need for SF? ( under appropriate conditions)

Why else would she be following the program, CIGB?

Honestly, I think all these posts from men questioning RC's sincerity about sex are very disrespectful toward her and sure to be discouraging.

RC, can you get home earlier from work? That is terribly late to be getting home. What is your commute time? And I would get the kids out of your bed. That bed is for you and your husband.

And how is your husband doing? Is he feeling any better? Please tell him that your very unpleasant news [that you were considering divorce] is much like getting an overdraft notice from the bank. It is unpleasant to get the notice, but what happens if you DON'T get the notice? The fallout would be much worse. You did a good thing by telling him how you felt. Now you have an opportunity to change your marriage.

Quote

The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Counseling Center at the top of this page.

This is posted at the top of this site, letting any posters know that this is a message board of people with divergent opinions and not a source of professional counseling. I made the recommendation to this lady that she should consider contacting the Harleys because I feel her situation merits it, that the events of the last 24 hours show that she might need help beyond that which we could and perhaps SHOULD provide.

Markos, I know you mean well. And I know that you have had great success with this program and that you and your wife Prisca have reaped the benefits of coming here and now want to share your newfound knowledge and success. For that I am happy for you, I think we all are. But when you start talking for other posters and start redressing others for posting their opinions, don'tcha think that goes a little too far?

This lady can speak for herself, and she did answer me herself, and I think what I posted did have an impact. I personally think she had a bit of tunnel vision and did not consider how her husband thinks or how he would perceive her words, well I guess she's thinking plenty about that now. I AM trying to help this lady, now if she thinks I am way off target, all she has to do is say so, and I will delete my post and not bother her again. But that would be her call, not yours.

While I think she probably does not realize how important sex is to him, it is obvious she has an aversion to sex. Women don't seek divorces when their husbands ask for sex, they give them sex. Women who have sexual aversions seek divorces. She read the article and agrees she has a sexual aversion. As someone who has had this herself, it is easy enough to recognize.

Aversions come as a result of falling out of love and continuing to have sex. The bad feelings that come from that spread to everything else. And anyone can read her posts and know she has fallen out of love. Her lifestyle makes it impossible for her sustain a marriage, much less feelings of love.

Now, can we please get back to helping this woman do the steps in the article How to Overcome a Sexual Aversion?

RC, I think you're doing what you can right now. And I think that MelodyLane is right on, I think you ripped the scab off of a wound that's been festering for a long time. Now you both get to clean it out and put medicine on it so that it can heal properly.

Divorce really sucks, RC, believe me, I know all too well. And I think that you and your husband love each other but just don't know how to get over this one hurdle, and I don't think that either of you know really how the other feels because it's the elephant in the room that neither of you can start a conversation, a real conversation, about without suspecting an ulterior motive. I think that people today sometimes take divorce as frivolously as they do marriage, but I don't think that of you, I just see that you are just frustrated and didn't really mean it, at least I hope not because divorce with seven kids for a problem that can be fixed is not something you really want to contemplate. You just don't know HOW to say what you really want to say because you're afraid your husband won't try to listen. I think he will, he's stuck with you this far, and you can see he was hurt by what you said. I think your husband would LOVE to have help resolving this issue.

I think a moderator would be of a big benefit to you. Someone that is knowledgable about saving marriages, someone that can talk with the both of you individually with the aim of saving the marriage, and together with the ability to keep the discussion focused and on topic. That is why I would recomend you go directly to the source here and contact the Harleys.

I know I could chat with your husband, a lot of us here could, and calm him down and get him to the point where he could see your perspective and get him to the point where he could see the benefit to him to follow this program and work with you to a better marriage. POJA is everything, that, along with the UA time, is at the central core of what a marriage should be. Get that down and the meeting of emotional needs just tends to flow from it. But you have to SELL him on it, RC, he needs to see what tangible and intangible benefits that he could derive from working with you

Sorry, I know I get long winded, but I do want to help you. This place means a lot to everyone who posts here, that's why many have been here for so long passing on what they have learned.

RC I pray no one scared you away and today your spirits are lifted with a glimmer of hope.

Great News!

My husband is calm now and has agreed to do this program! I am so pleased.
He is taking me out tonight to a really fancy restuarant-and he is arranging everything!
Americajin-I was so sure you were right-but he really does want to go out on a date with me!
I am so excited-we haven't been out like this since 2004.

I started the Sexual Aversion exercises last night and wrote in the journal.
Also filled out the EN & LB questionnaires. H is filling his out today.

H has agreed that while we are working on building Romantic Love he will not touch me or attampt to initiate sex. This is such a relief-I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me.

Every-one - thank you all so much for your support and help. Even the posts that are hard to read, I can still learn something from.

Those who were asking if I want to meet my husband's needs. At this point in time I cannot. I am hoping that with the Sexual Aversion exercises and UA time we can get to the point that I will feel differently. I already have a different perspective about my husband's need for sex as a result of some of the posts on this thread.

MelodyLane-I know that my work and our family schedules/routines are crazy. I also know that now we are committed to this program some things must change. H & I plan to sit down in the next few days and try to work out the best way to move forward so that we can incorporate the necessary UA time into our schedules.
H said he may post on here-he has read this thread and was impressed with advice and support offered.

Thanks

MelodyLane-are you out there? I have a question.

Since My husband has agreed not to touch me or initiate sex does that mean I am gaining at his expense?

Just reading a lot on the site and trying to put it all together.

Books still have not come.

Thanks

WOOOWHOO!!! that is GREAT NEWS! .. Almost like christmas was EARLY! I am welling up with joy for you! I pray that you guys find negotiable solutions and work together as a team to tackle these issues. MB can help you .. and now that you hubby is sold on it it DEF will.

GREAT JOB!

I was going to anwser your question .. but not sure if my answer is right .. So i will leave it for mel .. her typing looks better than mine anyhow

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

edit to add that my prayer on the previous page worked!

Thank you MrNiceGuy - I so appreciate your prayers

I know I have a lot of work to do to make this right, but w ehave the right tools and support here I think.

Merry Christmas to you too!

Nope! You are taking steps that will eventually greatly benefit him. So it is for his benefit, not his expense.

I am so happy that your H has been reading and we welcome him to the board!

No, that means you are both being patient until a solution is negotiated that you can both be enthusiastic about.

If nothing is being done, nobody is gaining at the other's expense. If you turned it around, of course, he would be gaining at your expense.

Doing nothing is actually kind of an important Harley concept in itself. It's the "default" policy of the POJA. It's key to revert to doing nothing when the two of you don't have an enthusiastic agreement, to avoid the withdrawal of Love Units.

Of course ... often one spouse will be unhappy with doing nothing. That indicates an unmet emotional need. In order to have a happy marriage, you have to progress toward meeting that need somehow, but in a way you can be enthusiastic about.

In this case, you're not there, yet. Follow the program together, and you will be!

Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son) told my wife not to make love to me unless she herself was aroused. Turns out that was really, really good advice. Yes, it meant sometimes I had to put sex aside and be patient. But that kept me from gaining at her expense.

True. Quite true. Very, very true.

All of this is being done to construct a situation where his needs will be met.

**edit**

moderator's note: please familarize yourself with our material before you post to those in need

RC, let us know when your books arrive and we can get you started on the lessons. The biggest hurdle for you will be to find 20+ hours of UA time. I would start brainstorming on that issue right now.

YES! I agree! We are DEF glad your hubby is reading and absorbing MB and we DO welcome him to the board. You two wll REAP the benefits when you work MB together!

How was your date?

MNG