...yes I believe that. I believe that because my partner is the coolest chick I've ever met. I want her in my life...it's as simple as that.

We've been together just over a year. We setup house together in mid-August. Her daughter is with us full time, her son is with us every other weekend and my daughter has run for the hills for the most part.

All of us have gone through a great deal of upheaval. As it turns out she and I both separated from our previous 10(ish) year marriages at about the same time - roughly spring of 2008. Both of our divorces were signed off on in court within a couple of weeks in August of 2010, just a couple of months before our meeting.

We met in an odd sort of way on craigslist. Our first date didn't feel like so much a first date, it felt more like a wonderful reunion.

We lived an hour apart then and we both worked hard to get as much time together as possible. During that time we lived through tyranny of both our ex's and the effect that behavior had on our children as well as finances (court related), we started trying to blend our daughters in my small 2 bedroom apartment on kid weekends. We dealt with bring up sensitive personal issues and needs to make sure the other could handle things. We tried to shock each other with being honest about the most personal needs that we had never mentioned to another living soul.

It felt like we became fused together in some fashion or other. We reveled in the fact that we had both found someone in whom we could confide and find support and comfort and FUN.

It was a Monday, 1 week before school was to start, her ex finally consented to letting their daughter make the move. It had been several months of being held captive by her ex...months of mental torture and a borrowed attorney's retainer that will take years to pay off.

And so begins our journey from madly in love towards a series of challenges that would create enough negative energy to be able to crush us both - now to the point that there is only an atom of hope remaining that we can find a way through and find ourselves together as we both have wanted and wished for.

We were both the "savers" and "fixers" in our previous marriages and we both nearly literally died from those experiences. We both endured infidelity and spouses that were not invested. We both have come away with deep scars and plenty of baggage - both seen and unseen.

The last 4 1/2 months has been very challenging for both of us. The string of external circumstances that we have had to deal with have left us both ready to break from pressure. We have not figured out how to handle things very well which has left basically no time to address our personal and family goals.

We are now left with anger, bitterness and resentment along with that last atom of hope.

The communication that we once enjoyed has been replaced by depression which leaves each of us unable to hear the other. Our words have changed into what each of us perceive as negative criticism. The only thing of importance that we agree upon is the fact that neither one of us are getting our emotional needs met.

Things are looking rather bleak at the moment. We are both withdrawing more and more. Joy seems to be the lingering fog of the past replaced by unreachable expectations and petty remarks that pierce the heart.

I won't go into detailing blame for this issue or that; I won't feed into venting on such a base level.

What I will say is that we are so energetically connected that we find ourselves lifting each other up in unison but more than not, as of late, bring each other down.

We have gone to counseling with little seen success. And now her mother has started to become our counselor...I have little to no hope that this is a good thing even though I deeply care for and respect her mother. I can only think that as unbiased as her mother wants to be that her being completely unbiased is simply a silly notion.

So what I feel like I am left with is me and my actions and my thoughts. I understand some of how my behavior affects her and serves to only widen the divide between us. It has been a defense and safety mechanism for so long in my life that it is difficult to control. The act of removing myself from her after she beats me down with some petty remark (almost always about the same issue and rarely about anything else at all) is how I deal with the rage that bubbles up. I don't want to direct my rage at anyone ever and so I leave the situation or the physical area to go calm down and try to find a new perspective and renew my personal hope.

I've finally realized how much this act crushes her. I don't want to inflict emotional violence by doing things this way anymore.

I need to find a way to deal with the hurt I feel when we fight without further hurting her or our relationship.

Things are now to the point where she hears nothing of my pain when I try to explain it. I honestly try to choose words, phrases, timing, et al. to come across to her in a communicative way that places no blame or criticism. I fail at this and don't know why.

I am now going on the working assumption that I am moving forward with trying to make things better between us on my own. I've lost the expectation that she might read an article or a book or look outside her normal support system to find answers to help us.

I am left with thinking that I must be the one that catalyzes change...I am left with that and a single atom of hope that we can survive and thrive together.

I'll not loose the love of my life without without trying.

Will someone add another atom of hope to my remaining one? Please?

Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Are you shacking up with her?

Hi MelodyLane - been several years...Do you remember me?

And yes, we setup house in mid-August.

Thank you for the link CWMI - not exactly what I wanted to see in print though.

That's a shaky start. There's little investment in living together, and no commitment. Why did you decide to skip getting married?

Aside from the cohabitation/renter's mentality issue (which Dr Harley is spot on with, I have seen firsthand how quickly the abuse and lovebusters escalate in shackup relationships) you have the issue of trying to blend your families.

It sounds like without the kids you two would have trouble with POJA, and with the blended family, it would be even more difficult I would think. I think that's why 2nd marriages with blended families have such a high rate of D.

Why has she run for the hills?

Why did we skip getting married? That is an absolutely good question. We have a date - a soft goal to be honest - and one that will definitely change. I suppose that being with each other during the heady "in love" stage blinded us. Between being blinded by that feel-good stage and a huge list of challenges...every time we speak about it and start planning something comes up that pushes things to the back burner.

It comes down to the fact that we wanted to be together everyday and thought we were in a good enough place to move in together.

At this point the mistake that was made with shacking up first really is a non-starter. We have what we have at this moment in time...I'll chalk it up to being ignorant of important gotchya's and our previously shared belief that we can do anything together .

POJA....yes, yes, yes. There are a few issues where I would love to have POJA in play. Much of the time we naturally choose things together because our desires match so often.

But yes, POJA doesn't happen nearly often enough and there are several deal breaker issues hanging over our heads.

******

My daughter has run for the hills because she wants things to be the same. She wants 100% of my time focused on her. But I come home and I jump into the fray of household work and the task of trying to blend. I don't think she feels welcome because of the stark difference in household culture between the past and the present.

My daughter and I are mostly laid back while my partner and her daughter are always on the move.

Things have changed drastically for everyone and we are still working on finding a schedule that works for everyone....

Anyway, we have what we have for today and I want to ensure that I've done whatever I can to better myself to help things toward the positive path.

I debated whether to say anything, recognizing that I am upset over what my own children are being subjected to.

It doesn't sound like you are being sensitive at all to what your DD has been through and that makes me very sad for her. Having a wayward mother, a divorce in 2010, shortly thereafter you got involved with a relationship that sounds like took a lot of your time given that your partner lives one hour away and you two fell hard for each other, to blending families in a small apartment.

Kids need stability, and that is an awful lot of change for a young child, and personally, I WOULD NEVER shack up with someone and/or try to blend families that soon after D, especially if my children showed any resistance or felt that I was not spending enough time with them.

You should consider that your DD did not "run for the hills" because she wanted 100% of your attention but maybe she felt she was not a priority to you and that most of your attention was on your gf...

I agree 100%

also agreed...I've tried to find the balance between 2 strong forces. During that time I've overlooked DD too much even if I felt like at the time I was doing my best to provide for her and my partner and all the real life craziness that was going on. I finally figured that out about 6 weeks ago. It took me a while to find the view point of a child.

I know I've wronged my child and I have shame that it took me so long to be able to understand her point of view.

I felt like the 2 1/2 year separation from the ex's was sufficient time to be able to move on to finding a new partner even though the actual D was recent at the time my partner and I met.

BTW: The blending started out as every other weekend in the small apartment. We officially setup house months later in a proper 3 bedroom house with enough room for everyone.

Anyway, I've just had a long chat with an old MB friend I've know for 8 years now. Mr. Bob Pure pretty much spelled out what the overall situation is. Thank you for that Mr. Pure.

This situation is faaaaaaar worse on me than going through my ex's affair.

I found the passion with my partner that I have longed for my entire life. No other relationship I've ever had can even come close.

Early signs indicated that emotional honesty could be had...but the honeymoon phase is over and real life actions speak louder than words...

Thank you all for your replies. And please, don't pull any punches. I can take it and hear it and grow from it.

Namaste

Well spudman glad to see you back! Mr. Pure is an excellent MB advisor and this form is full of wise people. I am so glad you are reaching out and wanting to make things right for your DD 10. She is so young. I was not much older than her when my mother pulled the rug out from under my life and left my dad for OM.

Hi FF, been thinking about you lately. Seems as if I've been drawn back. LOL

I am wanting to find the balance in life where I get to have my cake and eat it too...I want to be there for my DD AND I want the love of my life in my life.

My mother never told me there would be days like this. LOL

Would the two of you be willing to NOT live together and go back to dating in order to allow some time for DD to heal and for your R to work through the issues? Then when you are ready to really blend the families then get married not live together?

forgive me, it's been years since I've been here...what does "R" mean? LOL

LOL R= relationship

I'm tired...worn out and slow LOL

My preference would be for my partner and I to be able to hear each other and honestly look at everyone's needs.

Circumstances dictate that supporting another household - even if temporary - isn't possible. We are in a situation where we either sink or swim. Few to zero options as far as where people can lay their heads at night.

We have jumped into the deep end with the only life preservers are each other so it is time to strengthen the life preservers if possible.

No offense, but it was kinda clear from your first two posts that the relationship with the gf is the priority. Again, I am sad for your daughter.

When I saw the age of his dd my heart sank. Reminds me of my ds11 and how his father is so focused on his gf (ow) he can't think properly of ds.