...yes I believe that. I believe that because my partner is the coolest chick I've ever met. I want her in my life...it's as simple as that.

We've been together just over a year. We setup house together in mid-August. Her daughter is with us full time, her son is with us every other weekend and my daughter has run for the hills for the most part.

All of us have gone through a great deal of upheaval. As it turns out she and I both separated from our previous 10(ish) year marriages at about the same time - roughly spring of 2008. Both of our divorces were signed off on in court within a couple of weeks in August of 2010, just a couple of months before our meeting.

We met in an odd sort of way on craigslist. Our first date didn't feel like so much a first date, it felt more like a wonderful reunion.

We lived an hour apart then and we both worked hard to get as much time together as possible. During that time we lived through tyranny of both our ex's and the effect that behavior had on our children as well as finances (court related), we started trying to blend our daughters in my small 2 bedroom apartment on kid weekends. We dealt with bring up sensitive personal issues and needs to make sure the other could handle things. We tried to shock each other with being honest about the most personal needs that we had never mentioned to another living soul.

It felt like we became fused together in some fashion or other. We reveled in the fact that we had both found someone in whom we could confide and find support and comfort and FUN.

It was a Monday, 1 week before school was to start, her ex finally consented to letting their daughter make the move. It had been several months of being held captive by her ex...months of mental torture and a borrowed attorney's retainer that will take years to pay off.

And so begins our journey from madly in love towards a series of challenges that would create enough negative energy to be able to crush us both - now to the point that there is only an atom of hope remaining that we can find a way through and find ourselves together as we both have wanted and wished for.

We were both the "savers" and "fixers" in our previous marriages and we both nearly literally died from those experiences. We both endured infidelity and spouses that were not invested. We both have come away with deep scars and plenty of baggage - both seen and unseen.

The last 4 1/2 months has been very challenging for both of us. The string of external circumstances that we have had to deal with have left us both ready to break from pressure. We have not figured out how to handle things very well which has left basically no time to address our personal and family goals.

We are now left with anger, bitterness and resentment along with that last atom of hope.

The communication that we once enjoyed has been replaced by depression which leaves each of us unable to hear the other. Our words have changed into what each of us perceive as negative criticism. The only thing of importance that we agree upon is the fact that neither one of us are getting our emotional needs met.

Things are looking rather bleak at the moment. We are both withdrawing more and more. Joy seems to be the lingering fog of the past replaced by unreachable expectations and petty remarks that pierce the heart.

I won't go into detailing blame for this issue or that; I won't feed into venting on such a base level.

What I will say is that we are so energetically connected that we find ourselves lifting each other up in unison but more than not, as of late, bring each other down.

We have gone to counseling with little seen success. And now her mother has started to become our counselor...I have little to no hope that this is a good thing even though I deeply care for and respect her mother. I can only think that as unbiased as her mother wants to be that her being completely unbiased is simply a silly notion.

So what I feel like I am left with is me and my actions and my thoughts. I understand some of how my behavior affects her and serves to only widen the divide between us. It has been a defense and safety mechanism for so long in my life that it is difficult to control. The act of removing myself from her after she beats me down with some petty remark (almost always about the same issue and rarely about anything else at all) is how I deal with the rage that bubbles up. I don't want to direct my rage at anyone ever and so I leave the situation or the physical area to go calm down and try to find a new perspective and renew my personal hope.

I've finally realized how much this act crushes her. I don't want to inflict emotional violence by doing things this way anymore.

I need to find a way to deal with the hurt I feel when we fight without further hurting her or our relationship.

Things are now to the point where she hears nothing of my pain when I try to explain it. I honestly try to choose words, phrases, timing, et al. to come across to her in a communicative way that places no blame or criticism. I fail at this and don't know why.

I am now going on the working assumption that I am moving forward with trying to make things better between us on my own. I've lost the expectation that she might read an article or a book or look outside her normal support system to find answers to help us.

I am left with thinking that I must be the one that catalyzes change...I am left with that and a single atom of hope that we can survive and thrive together.

I'll not loose the love of my life without without trying.

Will someone add another atom of hope to my remaining one? Please?

Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

Are you shacking up with her?

Hi MelodyLane - been several years...Do you remember me?

And yes, we setup house in mid-August.

Thank you for the link CWMI - not exactly what I wanted to see in print though.

That's a shaky start. There's little investment in living together, and no commitment. Why did you decide to skip getting married?

Aside from the cohabitation/renter's mentality issue (which Dr Harley is spot on with, I have seen firsthand how quickly the abuse and lovebusters escalate in shackup relationships) you have the issue of trying to blend your families.

It sounds like without the kids you two would have trouble with POJA, and with the blended family, it would be even more difficult I would think. I think that's why 2nd marriages with blended families have such a high rate of D.

Why has she run for the hills?

Why did we skip getting married? That is an absolutely good question. We have a date - a soft goal to be honest - and one that will definitely change. I suppose that being with each other during the heady "in love" stage blinded us. Between being blinded by that feel-good stage and a huge list of challenges...every time we speak about it and start planning something comes up that pushes things to the back burner.

It comes down to the fact that we wanted to be together everyday and thought we were in a good enough place to move in together.

At this point the mistake that was made with shacking up first really is a non-starter. We have what we have at this moment in time...I'll chalk it up to being ignorant of important gotchya's and our previously shared belief that we can do anything together .

POJA....yes, yes, yes. There are a few issues where I would love to have POJA in play. Much of the time we naturally choose things together because our desires match so often.

But yes, POJA doesn't happen nearly often enough and there are several deal breaker issues hanging over our heads.

******

My daughter has run for the hills because she wants things to be the same. She wants 100% of my time focused on her. But I come home and I jump into the fray of household work and the task of trying to blend. I don't think she feels welcome because of the stark difference in household culture between the past and the present.

My daughter and I are mostly laid back while my partner and her daughter are always on the move.

Things have changed drastically for everyone and we are still working on finding a schedule that works for everyone....

Anyway, we have what we have for today and I want to ensure that I've done whatever I can to better myself to help things toward the positive path.

I debated whether to say anything, recognizing that I am upset over what my own children are being subjected to.

It doesn't sound like you are being sensitive at all to what your DD has been through and that makes me very sad for her. Having a wayward mother, a divorce in 2010, shortly thereafter you got involved with a relationship that sounds like took a lot of your time given that your partner lives one hour away and you two fell hard for each other, to blending families in a small apartment.

Kids need stability, and that is an awful lot of change for a young child, and personally, I WOULD NEVER shack up with someone and/or try to blend families that soon after D, especially if my children showed any resistance or felt that I was not spending enough time with them.

You should consider that your DD did not "run for the hills" because she wanted 100% of your attention but maybe she felt she was not a priority to you and that most of your attention was on your gf...

I agree 100%

also agreed...I've tried to find the balance between 2 strong forces. During that time I've overlooked DD too much even if I felt like at the time I was doing my best to provide for her and my partner and all the real life craziness that was going on. I finally figured that out about 6 weeks ago. It took me a while to find the view point of a child.

I know I've wronged my child and I have shame that it took me so long to be able to understand her point of view.

I felt like the 2 1/2 year separation from the ex's was sufficient time to be able to move on to finding a new partner even though the actual D was recent at the time my partner and I met.

BTW: The blending started out as every other weekend in the small apartment. We officially setup house months later in a proper 3 bedroom house with enough room for everyone.

Anyway, I've just had a long chat with an old MB friend I've know for 8 years now. Mr. Bob Pure pretty much spelled out what the overall situation is. Thank you for that Mr. Pure.

This situation is faaaaaaar worse on me than going through my ex's affair.

I found the passion with my partner that I have longed for my entire life. No other relationship I've ever had can even come close.

Early signs indicated that emotional honesty could be had...but the honeymoon phase is over and real life actions speak louder than words...

Thank you all for your replies. And please, don't pull any punches. I can take it and hear it and grow from it.

Namaste

Well spudman glad to see you back! Mr. Pure is an excellent MB advisor and this form is full of wise people. I am so glad you are reaching out and wanting to make things right for your DD 10. She is so young. I was not much older than her when my mother pulled the rug out from under my life and left my dad for OM.

Hi FF, been thinking about you lately. Seems as if I've been drawn back. LOL

I am wanting to find the balance in life where I get to have my cake and eat it too...I want to be there for my DD AND I want the love of my life in my life.

My mother never told me there would be days like this. LOL

Would the two of you be willing to NOT live together and go back to dating in order to allow some time for DD to heal and for your R to work through the issues? Then when you are ready to really blend the families then get married not live together?

forgive me, it's been years since I've been here...what does "R" mean? LOL

LOL R= relationship

I'm tired...worn out and slow LOL

My preference would be for my partner and I to be able to hear each other and honestly look at everyone's needs.

Circumstances dictate that supporting another household - even if temporary - isn't possible. We are in a situation where we either sink or swim. Few to zero options as far as where people can lay their heads at night.

We have jumped into the deep end with the only life preservers are each other so it is time to strengthen the life preservers if possible.

No offense, but it was kinda clear from your first two posts that the relationship with the gf is the priority. Again, I am sad for your daughter.

When I saw the age of his dd my heart sank. Reminds me of my ds11 and how his father is so focused on his gf (ow) he can't think properly of ds.

Weather or not I made the right choices in reaching my goal is now in the past. Obviously not everything went to plan or else I would not be here trying to recover.

BUT, my goal and priority has always been with my daughter in mind. My goal has always been to provide a happy, safe environment.

I own that I have not always made the right choices but the intent in my heart has always been pure.

Your dd needs to see a big gesture.

If I were you I would move out, get a place where she can visit you alone and spend your visitation focusing on your child for a while. 6 months at least.

call it a lame excuse if so inclined but there simply are not the finances available to do that.

I agree with SW.

So if you and the gf were to break up you are stuck living together then? For how long?

Until she can find a job + 2-3 months to allow enough time for enough cash on hand...

I am very confused. In answer to this:


You said this:


Gf finding a job + 2 or 3 months sounds like it is very doable to start planning to live apart.

I don't mean to hammer you. It's just that you said your DD was a priority. Living apart from the gf would give you a chance to fix that relationship and possibly save yourself and both sets of children in this situation from going through another D. It's win-win.

So I am not sure why you said it was impossible to think about living separately when it sounds very possible.

Dr Harley says the situation you are in now is going to be an uphill battle to fix. I have even recently heard him say on his radio show that he likes to advise single mothers to staying single until their kids are grown up so that they can focus on their kids and because 2nd marriages/blended families are at such a high risk of D.

My comment was made with an immediate timeframe involved. Months is a long time when things aren't right...

So make it right. Now. Your obligation is not to your gf and her children. Your obligation is to your dd.

A one bedroom apt for you and your dd would be sufficient for now. You can give her the bedroom when she visits and you take the sofa.

Your relationship with your gf is statistically doomed anyway unless you do something major immediately. At least try to save your relationship with your dd.

Do you have any idea how much it would mean to your dd that you make this right?

'Dd, it was a mistake to move in with gf even though I love her. My priority should have been YOU and it will be now.'

AGree 100% with Susie and SW. Why pursue a dead end at the expense of your daughter? Hasn't she been through enough? Your relationship with this GF was doomed from the start. First off, a blended family has an 85% "divorce" rate [not that you are even married] but the fact that you are living together just compounds the demise of this relationship. There is no committment here and you are already on the rocks. Why not get out while the getting is good before you cause any more harm to your kids? This relationship is not going to last, but your DD will remember forever that you ran her off.

Can she move in with her parents or another family member?

My God, I hope so...I hope her mother will let her move back in...

I wasn't going to write this in public because yesterday I still had hope that the gf would reach out and try to find some incite and perspective. Glad I didn't tell her about MB now.

The reality of it hit me on my way to work this morning. She has been trying to crush my relationship with my daughter and I have let her do it. WOW, what an [censored] I have been.

Simply amazing...my daughter was with us for several days last week. She and I had a wonderful day together the first day she was with us. The gf was invited to participate but declined. But followed up with "Don't sit on the couch all day" sometime in the afternoon.

That was after DD and I had gotten up early and spent 3 hours making homemade cinnamon rolls. We then watched a movie and I had a sugar nap after which DD and I spent another couple of hours creating a xmas stocking. She laid it out and I sewed all the bits onto it.

Later that night we had an encounter and I noticed the gf was a bit low so I ask if she had an issue with me. She at first tried to say no but quickly confirmed that she did have an issue.

She told me she didn't want to do what *I* had planned. She told me she felt left out. Followed up with telling me that she would be gone [mentally, emotionally is how I took it] for the rest of xmas break.

Yes, that took away from some of the joy of the day. These were the first full days DD was with us as the only child in the house for months.

There is much, much more to the story between then and now but I'd rather not relive it by typing it all out. Other than to say that I had a great time with my kid until the gf's kids showed up Saturday night. There was a small spat between my daughter and the gf's daughter. Evidently the de-escalation of the event was managed by the gf and her mother. Things went south fast when my daughter brought it to my attention. She ended up being ganged up on by the gf and her mother. The way they handled it might be proper within a well blended family or a family of origin...but I saw a larger wedge being built between my daughter and the gf.

****
So my daughter is gone with her mother for their scheduled winter break time and the house is full with the gf's 2 kids...

Suffice it to say that I am not even allowed the respect of sleep. I don't get this week off from work. So I get to try to do my work as zombie man because she allows her kids to stay up with the TV until they pass out from over TV stimulation. I had to turn the darn thing off at 2:AM this morning...3 days running now.

...

Then there was the conversation yesterday after I got home from work. I sucked up my fear of not being heard and presented where I thought we were and what could be done to make things better.

For the first time she actually attempted to control her rage and seemed to do a fair job of listening to me. But I didn't see or feel that she really got *it*. At least she allowed me to more or less speak without interruption.

But during that conversation I definitely saw how turned off she was from the relationship. One of the highlights was her statement that she didn't need to get a book to help us do better...that one coupled with her outbursts in counseling sessions...well, as I said I am slow. So I wonder to myself why do I still require pain to be able to do the math?????

Why *DO* I need pain to be able to do the math?

I spent the last of my funds on pizza for her kids last night only to find out that her mom had given her $50 of "walking around money" that she wasn't letting go of. I scrambled this morning to find quarters so I could snack out of the vending machine today...

She told me that she is harder on her kids that she would normally be and said "I do it for you" WTF? Shouldn't kids be taught discipline and respect and boundaries because it is the right thing to do?

She told me that she is harder on her kids because mine isn't around much. Again, WTF? And of course at the same time she is hard on me and hard on my child - by virtue of the words she uses about my child...all because my child isn't with us very much.

She got in bed with me last night because I can't sleep without her. Sleep time has already become the only time that we spend together not worrying about chores (wrong, she has let all of the things that *need* to be done grow into insomnia so has been on the couch more and more "to allow me to sleep" LOL)...the only even remotely intimate time. "I'm here so you can go to sleep" she says. I want someone that is with me because they want to be with me not because they feel some duty bound guilt. Makes me want to cry because it wasn't that long ago that she would say ever day "I can't wait to get into bed with you".

When I make a commitment I do my best to keep it. I do my best to find new ways to replace the old. I obviously don't always make the grade, but my heart is always pure with intent. But to her I am not worth a couple of hours of reading a book to find new perspectives on how to enhance our lives. After a fight I spend my time reading and searching for answers to rebuild my hope and love...she reads about "cool" stuff and escapes.

I am worth less than the cost of a 12 pack of beer to her...and not worth the price of a book.

The worst part is that I deeply believe that GF is a wonderful person. We spoke of what we wanted to build together for our kids and for ourselves and honestly had a good start for a short while. I deeply believe that she loves me, and I love her more deeply than I thought possible. I guess the dependency on old survival skills that don't work is loved more?

No, no, the worst part is that I know in my heart that the two of us in fact have the potential to achieve what is good and right...at the same time I know it won't happen. Bad behavior born of fear rules this relationship.

So I'll be left with the energetic impression of what could have been and should have been coupled with the reality that she lets circumstance dictate how she feels and operates.

I've let things get way out of control all because I know in my heart that a wonderful blended family is possible if only I wait just a little longer to allow the gf to find her footing.

I can't wait any longer. My daughter will be gone if I do.

Score for my love life:
Gaslighters: 3 (Thank you for pointing that out Mr. Pure)
me: 0

WOW, what a mess I allowed to happen.

...just 2 sad little people with the unrealized potential to move mountains. Another failed life lesson that our children will end up paying for.

Hers was the only touch that I have felt that could instantly ground me...instantly make everything better...instantly make me forget my troubles and stress and responsibility.

Now I no longer have my best friend to comfort me...so I shall sit here in a near empty office and cry for our tremendous loss.

Oh dear .....


Your DD is very perceptive. She's spot on.

Stop thinking of this as losing. Think of gaining your daughter.

You need out of there. Your dd needs a refuge.

I lose the potential of showing my daughter a wonderful relationship. She looses out on this as much or more than do I.

It is a huge lose for all involved...

Real life eventually comes down to deciding from a hierarchy of needs rather than wants/desires.

Be aware, when you write "needs" you may actually be blinded by your own desires. Especially the needs of children become lower priority when an adult is in the heady blush of that "in love" euphoria. That's what waywards do. They assume the children will feel as happy as they do when they have a new lover.

Children "need" his/her parent's undivided attention. Children do not need competition from another woman's children.

What you desired (a new love nest) turned out not to be what your child needs.

Well said and it has been seen by me from the beginning. I had faith that everything could be right for everyone quickly. I saw a huge task when I started down this path and simply had faith that we could pull it off. It hurts to be wrong about something so important.

Yes, it hurts to know you were wrong about it, but stop wallowing in despair and DO something. Now. This situation needs immediate attention.

Can you move out? Can you ask her to move out? You should have a new place by yourself before you get your dd back next time.

Prolonging it at this point will be the biggest sin. Because now you SEE it clearly.

So what is your plan of ACTION?

Life lessons, the really important ones, hurt like hell !!!!!!!
That's a good thing.
The sting helps us remember.

What is important to your daughter is your relationship with HER, *NOT* your relationship with someone else. She is being forced to compete with some other woman and her kids and has been driven out of her home. Your daughter needs your attention much more than this woman.

Guess what ?


You're doing it again !

"A single atom of hope is all it takes..."

What is your daughter's fervent hope?

I can't help but notice how much you've romanticized this relationship.
It's like a veil has fallen over your vision.

She is a fixer too. She shows that she wants her mother and her father to be happy and has learned to take on that responsibility.

I've been trying to understand how to show her to be free starting years before I met my gf.

My daughter is tight lipped about her feelings. I guess she learned that lesson pretty well from me while her parents were still married.

She learned from watching her parents that by speaking up she will only be gaslighted so she rarely shares.

I was so very proud of her on xmas-eve...after the spat that the gf and her mother tried to manage.

DD was telling me about it and asking questions about fairness. Our bedrooms are catty corner from each other..she was standing just outside her room and I was standing inside mine (I was in my bedroom doing the xmas wrapping).

I was not seen by the gf who heard something going on about the spat and yelled up the stairs to "knock it off". My daughter looked at her and pointed at me and said "I'm talking to him". She had to say that twice. As she said it the second time I looked around the corner and was then seen by the gf who finally walked away.

She said it twice "I'm talking to him". I was so proud of her.

But this rarely happens. I've learned over the last few weeks just how much I stuff things too. I was never heard in a positive communicative way by her mother. She saw that I eventually stopped trying to communicate with her mother because I would always get bashed for it.

She learned that survival skill so well along with a few others that she doesn't feel confident in decision making or voicing her opinion...or even deciding what the correct opinion to have is.

One of the most frustrating and saddening things that started a very long time ago.

With all of that said, I believe that her fervent hope is for her parents to be together again.

Yes.

Yes...I am the fantasy romantic. One of my favorite movies is the Princes Bride. I guess you could say that this movie pretty much sums up what I want in life and have always believed was possible.

.... as you wish .....

The best I have at this very moment is the intention to write the farewell letter and hand deliver it this evening.

Which MB book are you going to commit to studying next?
How about "The One".

The One <~~~ LINK ..... previously know as Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders .

It's excellent.
All roads lead to POJA.

I wrote a thread about this book.
* here *

Pay attention.

I so got this. Loved that movie growing up!!

GG, so relieved to read this update. Really.

I have paid attention, with blinded hope and expectation. I've tried over the last 6 months to subtly introduce MB principles into the relationship...obviously a big fat FAIL on those attempts.

What update? The one where I publicly admit that I am a fantasy romantic? LOL

"as you wish" only works with bi-directional communication...I've "as you wished" my partners to the point of loosing myself.

PS:

Love me some Bob Pure.

You'll be OK.

Yes, I will commit to this study.

The sad fact is that I saw the freeloader early on and didn't believe that it was true. But it is what I have ended up with.

Nothing says it more than the fact that I was zombie man at work yesterday because she and her kids were up so late the night before...I came home after 9 hours away and bought pizza with the last of my money and then cleaned up a kitchen that I had no part in messing up (again).

Yeah, me too.

He invited me to visit him to catch my favorite band play...gave it up for love. HA!

You know, it may not be.

My DD is very open about her feelings. She does NOT want to see her parents back together. She has told me that she is happy now that there is "no tension" in the house (STBX was a gaslighter too/I was the fixer too) and now that all my focus is on her and DS, she really enjoys all of our time together.

She also told me she is terrified that I will start dating, meet someone and start acting like STBX

I think with stability and your time & attention, your relationship with your DD will thrive. Please keep us updated!

Exactly!

ASK her.

How old is your DD?

And I guess my point is that I really don't know what my DD wants and I don't know how to get her to speak up. When I ask her she comes across as not knowing herself really.

I won't dispute. I'll study the book...I'll have plenty of time on my hands to get my s*** in order.

DD just turned 16.

The thought just occurred to me that I would love to have my daughter receive letters from other kids of divorce that have a good perspective on the harsh reality of what kids deal with...

Mr Pep developed a very close relationship with our DD by taking her out ALONE for 'dates' about 2-3 times a month.
This payed off.
Later, when she started dating, Mr Pep would take the boy-in-question out for a one-on-one 'date' too. HaHaHa.
DD hated it at the time, but today (age 22) she knows it helped knowing her DAD was looking out for her.

If you want to get to the heart of her heart, ask HER to write a letter(s) to other kids of divorce.
Ask to read it.

Letter written and delivered...

Did you ask her to move out?

Yes, daddy-daughter dates decreased. I am guessing in DD's mind they stopped.

My fault for not keeping up with her needs.

On the flip side we have had a daddy-daughter date day recently that was wonderful - until I dropped her off and went home.

And we had most 3 full days last week together...again wonderful.

Yes

Good. Any response yet?

Yes, lots of texting...lots and lots and lots.

Is she agreeable to moving out? You should know that much by now?

That request has actually not been mentioned by her.

The One is now ordered. Looking forward to reading it.

Hang in there kiddo.
Let me know what you think of the book.

Me saying "You are a renter" is NOT an insult.
We all date as renters. All of us.
The real problems begins when 'madly in love' renters move in together and consider themselves just as committed as married.
They're still renters. They usually remain renters because there is a lack of commitment. They make sacrifices in order to appear committed. The environment gradually deteriorates. More sacrificing is necessary to keep things from becoming ugly.

Live & learn.
Yanno?

Can I be a faux buyer instead of a mere renter?

Just read a bit of the overview thread. It all makes sense to me....

Hello,

My name is Relationship Superman....

...and I am a fool

wow...clarity really can be painful when it comes.

So I was previously married to a freeloader. All I felt like after the first year of that R was a walking paycheck.

Now this wanna-be buyer tried to make things work with a renter that seems to be devolving into a freeloader.

At least I now know exactly what my #1 EN is. Domestic support...mostly in the form of being allowed to sleep.

Another sleepless night. Another winter break party that I wasn't invited to and couldn't attend....because I need sleep to be able to function at WORK...

Not one word from her about anything I wrote in the letter. Well that isn't quite true. I wrote in the letter specifically that I need to be allowed to sleep. That turned into "Me and DD are going to watch a movie". This comes my way at 11:PM. The TV is situated in the front room and every little noise travels down the hallway and into the bedroom.

She knows this and yet....blah

I've not felt so disrespected in years.

She finally appeased me by getting her kids to bed...but it was after mid-night before the voices stopped.

Is it wrong for the one that is the only one working and therefor the only one paying bills to want some decent sleep?

And the blackness of where my mind went as I stared at the ceiling trying to sleep through the late night adventures of the rest of the house...the blackness was not pretty. The petty images that flashed through my mind make me feel ashamed.

I went home yesterday hoping that the letter would have jarred something loose in her head. I don't think she believed me. I don't think she believed that what I had written was what I meant.

I've learned a great deal this time around as I always do. But it really hurts when there is passion and true love involved.

It's too bad that a MB course isn't required to be in a relationship. It should be taught in schools....

So much hardship and pain could be avoided...

And yet, there is still an atom of hope that everything can become good...and atom of hope that everyone involved can get what they need.

Yes, I want my daughter in my life and I still want the love of my life in my life. But what we want and what we must do are of course different sometimes.

And of course I now feel that I am in the position that whatever I say or whatever methods I suggest for recovery would probably be taken as an order or an attack. And I fear that whatever actions she might take to recover would be only to appease me.

Yes, I know I am messed up...haven't slept properly since last week....sigh.

As far as sleep goes, my H once felt the same as you. He was the "only one working" so he felt that me and the children should let him sleep. Problem was, we had three children born in the span of four years, and I ended up exhausted from not getting more than two hours of sleep at a time for a whole year. And he just let me fall apart. Then complained that the house was dirty and I'd "let myself go"!

While I would agree that you should agree on a decent bedtime that meets everyone's needs, this sleep thing of yours is not the problem. And you know this. You don't have anything to recover here, you are shacked-up daters and this experiment has failed. Get on the moving out stuff. Whose name is the house in? Is it a rental? Can you get off the lease and move yourself?

I know the whole sleep thing is a touchy subject. But a person becomes manic when there is zero negotiation...yes another obvious sign that the experiment failed.

Both of us are on the lease...at this moment in time I'm not seeing the options I need to be seeing...

Sigh...

Go to the owner and ask to be removed from the lease. It's a phone call.

She won't...especially since she knows I am the one paying the bill.


So why do I still have hope for recovery? Seriously, why?

There are things I can't live with that are going on but I think of why I love this girl and emotional hope survives.

Why?

So you already asked?

We have already had a few issues with the landlord. I know she will be in financial protection mode.

A simple "no, and refuse to even try" would suffice. When is the lease up?