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#2579175 12/30/11 03:56 AM
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Hello everyone I've been lurking here a long time but i finally decided to post my story here in the hopes of getting some help i hope I'm posting in the right place. My STBXBH and I have been married for 15 years we have always had a close and loving relationship and from the day i met him i knew he was the love of my life but I'm sad to say i made a foolish and reckless decision to engage in an affair with my husband's best friend. It all started when i began to approach 40 i felt like i was getting old i started to think to myself that no one found me attractive that i was just another over the hill mom and that no one would ever desire me again that i was just some old fossil. I began to think that if i could just have a "little fun" on the side that everything would be all right again no one would get hurt That as long as i provided a home for my husband cared for him and my children that it would be okay to have one little "indiscretion" (i don't think this way anymore I'm just trying to give you a sense of how i was thinking then) I thought to myself "hey as long as he never finds out he never gets hurt" boy was i wrong. So when the opportunity presented itself to have a fling i jumped at it my husband's best friend at the time (they have known each other since they were 5) approached me at a party one night and started flirting with me He has done this in the past but usually was harmless and my husband was okay with it (actually thought it was funny) we were both drinking that night and all those thoughts mentioned above flooded through my head and that's when i made the worst mistake of my life i leaned in and kissed him and he kissed back then he whispered into my ear follow me and we slipped off to the bedroom and had sex right there in my friends spare room my husband blissfully unaware. and this kicked off a six-month long affair We would meet on my lunch break at hotels across town it was wonderful for a short time but i have to admit the guilt got me almost right away but i actively suppressed it.

For the first six months of the affair (and this is something I'm not proud to admit) i loved it the secrecy the high of not getting caught of knowing you're doing something wrong and getting away with it turned me on a great deal but at the same time knowing i was betraying my husband was tearing me up inside and i knew it had to end. I became certain of this at around 5 months into the affair when i realized i was pregnant. AP and i had always used protection except for the first time we had sex so i was positive it was my husband's but knew i had to end the affair otherwise i would put my future child's happiness in danger. So after a couple weeks of avoiding the OM i finally told him it had to end and that's when he confessed to me that he was in love with me and asked me to leave my husband for him and when i told him absolutely not and that the affair was over he became enraged telling me that i can't leave him and that if i try he will tell my husband everything. I was terrified i knew if my husband ever found out he would leave me i begged him not to do it he said he wouldn't as long as I keep having sex with him so we came to an agreement where we would meet once a week and have sex and he would not tell my husband (I know what you all are thinking what a wh*!e she is and you're right) So this went on for over a year with me letting him know all along the way that i did not love him and did not want to be with him and him getting angrier and more frustrated until one day when i finally stood up and called his bluff and said to him "I can't stop you from telling my husband but i will not continue to betray him" and so for the most part it ended he would still occasionally e-mail me professing his love to me but i would ignore it. So for the most part life went back to normal that is until 7 months later.

I'll never forget the day i just finished washing dishes things were finally starting to get back to normal i thought i had put this whole ordeal behind me. And that's when my husband came up to me with my phone in hand and asked me what was going on with OM i froze for a few seconds and then said nothing why do you ask. This really made him mad and he looked at me and said i have read the texts are you having an affair with OM i started to panic i screamed how could you accuse me of such a thing (realizing even as i said it that i was busted and a real b!t(h for even saying that to him) this led to more arguing until he finally stormed out of the house and i collapsed in the ball of tears. while i was at home bawling like a child my husband went and confronted the OM and OM told him everything apparently the confrontation ended with my husband beating the living daylights out of the OM. My husband came back home a few hours later and proceeded to rip into me (richly deserved FYI) and demanding i tell him everything. Realizing that he knew everything i proceeded to tell and i will never forget the look on his face when i did. After i was finished he looked like he was about the throw up i went to hug him crying and screaming how sorry i was but he just pushed me away and left. I did not see him for two weeks and when he returned he demanded a divorce and moved out immediately also he tells me that he's going to get a DNA test on youngest and is convinced that I'm lying and that she is not his (I did not believe at the time that she was OM and told him as much) I begged him not to divorce me that it was just a mistake and how sorry i am How all i want to do is spend the rest my life making it up to him. He says not to bother with words that I've shown myself to be a selfish and evil person and undeserving of his love. A few more weeks go by and then he contacts and tells me that that the results are back and that my youngest is not biologically his and that he has filed for divorce. I'm heartbroken my whole world has collapsed and i have no one to blame but myself i Sank into a huge depression i couldn't eat sleep work my hands would shake constantly and I was barely aware of the world around me. Eventually i had to be hospitalized for having a nervous breakdown and have been on antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist three times a week since then.

I don't know why (my husband says cause he wasn't ready to give up on us yet) But i got my husband to come back home and attempt reconciliation. We even went on a trip together and i thought we had a wonderful time we were following the marriage builders principles we are having lots of UA time together and were slowly beginning to work on the issues of trust and dishonesty that he felt towards me (rightly so) so that we could get back what we once had. I thought things were going well until out of the blue my husband comes to me and tells me that it's just not working and that he needs to leave again and this time he won't be coming back. I begged him to stay i got on my hands and knees but he would not budge he said there was nothing left and that it's time to move on. So he packed up all this things told the girls that he was leaving again told the family called his lawyer got the divorce papers refiled And got it all in less than a month (he is truly brilliant when he puts his mind to something) So this is where i stand as of now desperately in love with the man who can't stand the sight of me who recoils at my very touch he says he forgives me and that we can be friends one day but he can't even be in a room with me for more than 10 min and it breaks my heart and that's why i need your help how i get him to come back I'm not ready for a life without him i miss him every day i have tried to use the marriage builders principles but how do i apply them if he's not living with me please please help me thank you for reading.



PS I apologize If there are any grammar mistakes or if I ramble too much I haven't got much sleep lately as you can gather I have a lot on my mind. Going to try to get some sleep now And I will read what are surely your very helpful posts tomorrow thanks in advance for your help.

PPS I don't know if Better off posting in the surviving an affair section if i am i will post there instead once again thanks for reading my know it was long.




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Welcome to MB. I am sorry that your marriage has broken down under these circumstances.

I think your BH posts here under the name of oldmittens - is that correct?


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I see that you had a breakdown and were hospitalised when your H first left after the affair. I am sorry to hear that. Are you under the care of a doctor today? Are you taking any anti-depressants, or receiving any other kind of follow-up care? Are you managing to care for your three children?


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lady,

I can see from what both you and your BH have written that you have worked hard to try and rebuild your marriage. Your H describes you as a model of remorse and effort. He has no doubts about your genuine sorrow over what you have done. He knows that you are sincere in your wish to reconcile.

I think that, given that he has moved out again, the only thing you can try and do is meet those emotional needs that he will let you meet while you are separated.

However, there is no way of knowing whether this will bring him back. There is no formula that you can apply that will work to achieve this. It might just be that the two years of deception will be too much for him to overcome (even more so that the OC, who he seems to love and be willing to continue being her father).

If you are going to give the best attempt possible at meeting his ENs, you must make sure that you regain your mental health and show that you are taking good care of your children. You will not be attractive to him if you present a picture of yourself as mentally fragile and in pieces. He did go back to you before after your breakdown, mainly, it seems, because of pressure put on him by your families, but the feelings of responsibility were not enough to keep him there. I don't think it is helping for you to come across to him as pitiful.

I know that there is much more to regaining mental stability than "pulling yourself together", and that is why I asked about the care you have been receiving since the breakdown and your BH's recent departure.

How are you coping with caring for the children, your home and yourself today? Are you able to look after your youngest, talk to the older girls, and keep your home well run, clean and tidy?

Do you have contact of any kind with OM? Has he tried to contact yo since your H found out about the affair - and beat him up? Does he show signs of suspecting that he is the bio father of your youngest?


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Please read this thread. Wulfpuck_girls thread

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I must agree with your thread title.
You've ruined your life.
You've ruined several lives.

People ~~~ THIS is why adultery is a sin. It ruins lives/souls/children/families/dignity/goodness ..... etc etc etc.
Sin always feels good. At first.


Quote
that's why i need your help how i get him to come back I'm not ready for a life without him i miss him every day i have tried to use the marriage builders principles but how do i apply them if he's not living with me please please help me thank you for reading.

Your question is worded in a very selfish way. Did you notice?
But, anyway, let's discuss what options you do have. OK?

Let's remain practical and try to avoid excessive sentimentalization as you develop a plan of action.

1. There are no guarantees that anything you do will revive your dead marriage.
If you only want a 'sure thing' I'm certain any plan will fail.
You go into this committed to doing your best, regardless of the outcome .... which you cannot control.

2. Avoid lovebusters. Sounds simple. Not so simple to put into practice when a person is very upset, as you are. No more begging/crying/pleading/sobbing/sad face/etc etc etc. All of that, ALL of that, will appear manipulative to your husband. Control yourself. If you cannot control yourself, leave his presence.
Further breast-beating will not attract your husband back to you. Such activity appears selfish and all about YOU.

3. Behave admirably. Show respect for your husband's decision. Stop trying to 'talk' him out of his decision.

4. Take advantage of the love bank deposits you have power to fulfill. Here is a list of the top ENs.

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Your H will allow you to meet many of these needs even if you are not residing together.
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Even if you eventually divorce, you will never regret doing your best without complaint and without trying to control the outcome.

Control yourself.
If you do not, you have no chance at success.


WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS




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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.

Two very excellent posts Pep. My heart breaks for all involved. Even her. I must be getting soft in my old age.

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What's up RL?
Any desire to reply to these posters?

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What a very sad story. Why do some people feel the need that they have to sabotage and engage in self-destruction behavior that leads to such chaos?

You sound like you are very remorseful. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your behavior would have been any different from your husband's reaction? I hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's.

I think following Pepperband's advise makes a lot of sense. I think the fact that it was his best friend which made it a double betrayal (having sex with the OM while your husband is in the next room?) and that you got pregnant with the OM's baby would make it a deal breaker for most men. You are still young and still have the potential for turning your life around. I wish you luck.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.

Two very excellent posts Pep. My heart breaks for all involved. Even her. I must be getting soft in my old age.

I'm in total agreement with the August lady here (smiling woman).

CV


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akira #2579909 12/31/11 11:39 PM
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A reminder to posters to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts or refrain from posting. The purpose of the forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders, not to share personal philosophies.

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Happy new year sorry i took so long to get back. I spent the day yesterday cleaning the house and getting everything organized then i spent most of today getting my personal life in order updating my resume looking for a new job and trying to mend some fences. I phoned my husband's parents today to see if i could talk some sense into them (my husband wasn't the only one shocked at their behavior as of late) nothing much came out of the conversation I think they're more angry at the fact that he wouldn't listen and do what they said then they are about the actual divorce (they are very stubborn and prideful people) later in the day my oldest invited me to come with them and their father to watch the fireworks for New Year's. I said i would love to but only if it was okay with their father so she said she would check and get back to me and he was so i went with them and for the most part had a lovely time. We go to see the fireworks every year we always park on signal Hill to watch them the kids would always run around with sparklers while me and their father would sit on the hood of the car wrapped in a blanket suffice it to say we didn't do that this year but it was still nice and i had the chance to have a conversation with my ex. I won't get into the whole conversation we had but we did touch on a few things but most of it was smalltalk but he did answer a few questions I had and it was nice to spend time with him.



Now I'll answer a few questions

Yes my husband is Oldmittens. when we went to the fireworks i brought it up and he said he doesn't post here anymore that if i want to post here i should feel free and that he doesn't mind if I read his.

Yes i do see a Psychiatrist three times a week and I'm on antidepressants.

My husband and I have a 50-50 joint custody schedule and follow it to the letter with the youngest. As for the older two we try to keep it as liberal as possible my middle child wants to live with her father full-time and I support that 100% while my oldest prefers to be with me most the time and her father is 100% behind that. As far as the logistics we have it one week with me one week with him and we split the holidays on a rotating schedule. As far as my ability to take care of my children yes i will admit that i did suffer from severe depression but i have haven't and never will let it affect my ability to raise my children they come home every day to a hot meal Warm beds and a clean home my children have always come first and always will.

I have started reading Wulfpuck_girls thread and broke down crying while reading it breaks my heart that she's trying so hard to recover her marriage and it doesn't seem to be working i couldn't read the whole thing because frankly it scares me to think that's how my life could turn out and worst of all i have no one to blame but myself.

Lastly someone asked if our roles were reversed what would i have done and frankly i would've been a lot less kinder than he was. Since D-Day he has only really freaked out twice most of the time he's been kind and considerate in going about our separation (one of the first things that attracted me to him was his strong sense of compassion) and if he had started acting the way i did after he left the first time i would've run for the hills and never looked back. But he didn't and that is one of the reasons why I believe he still loves me and that this can be fixed. I know he still loves me and despite actions that state otherwise I'm still madly in love with him but i understand why he left now that he needs space and that he needs to see me becoming strong person again the person he fell in love with in the first place and that's why I'm here i hope over the months and years that i will learn how to be that person again and even if we never get back together again i hope To one day at least be his friend.


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How has he been about the OC not being his?

Where did he get the test done? I don't have confidence in mail in internet business'. Also with sometimes mistakes are made maybe the three of you can go to your doctor to have a new test done.

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He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.


WW(me)41
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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
that is one of the reasons why I believe he still loves me and that this can be fixed.

"fixed"?????

rebuilt...maybe but "fixed"???

Odd choice of words.

It also seems to imply one CORRECT solution or that the only "fix" is reconciliation. The "fix" from your husband's position MAY BE be divorce and a safe emotional distance from you. Forgiveness...from afar may be the best you get and accepting whatever outcome/"fix" graciously may be your best shot at anything better than that.

I have no intention towards being harsh (notice I'm still married to a former wayward wife so I KNOW change and recovery are possible) but please choose your words carefully as not only are you in a room full of betrayed spouses but, mostly likely, YOUR betrayed spouse.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - It's unclear did you or did you not know your husband was posting here on MB before you posted? Did he know you knew he was posting here? Does he want us to really help you "fix" your marriage or does he want us to help you get over it and move on more towards acceptance. It's kind of an uncomfortable position for those of us that followed your husband's thread seeing that you were quite obsessive about getting him back for awhile (and still) and then...here you are posting on the same forum he posted on. Please explain and help us out and if, by chance, he still reads here and doesn't want to say anything out in the open...he can email me at my address below.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.


A blood type test used for paternity is not worth the money even if the testing company paid you to take the test.

Don't believe me?

How about the United States courts?

Paternity by blood testing is not accepted as evidence. This is why not until DNA testing came about that the law's of presumption regarding paternity are now being challanged.

You need to call your family doc bring down your BH and the "OC" and with all three of you present and have a DNA test done. Also good idea to have all the kids tested to give your BH 100% peace of mind. Do not delay this important recovery step.

Why?

The OC may just be a COM(child of marriage).

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.


A blood type test used for paternity is not worth the money even if the testing company paid you to take the test.

Don't believe me?

How about the United States courts?

Paternity by blood testing is not accepted as evidence. This is why not until DNA testing came about that the law's of presumption regarding paternity are now being challanged.

You need to call your family doc bring down your BH and the "OC" and with all three of you present and have a DNA test done. Also good idea to have all the kids tested to give your BH 100% peace of mind. Do not delay this important recovery step.

Why?

The OC may just be a COM(child of marriage).

Yes, DNA testing should be done. However, if RL & her BH both have Type O and the OC has Type A, then the BH cannot possibly be the bio dad. Sometimes it's just that simple.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
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Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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