If you just go ahead and keep listening, the triggers diminish with time. Intentionally exposing yourself to a difficult emotional situation in order to acclimatize to it is a psychological technique called "flooding", and eventually you can listen dispassionately. Takes a while, though.

Kind of like how one of the best ways to get rid of "bad circulation" and always feeling cold in your hands & feet is to run around in the cold in just a pair of shorts and a thin t-shirt for ten minutes a day. It's a great fix, and works very consistently, but it's not something everybody is willing to do.

You know, I tried that with OW's name and the city/state where she lives, Door. Her name is VERY common and I hear it all the time and it makes me trigger as does where she lives because H went there twice and that's when it was physical. I tried flooding myself with the darn names. It might be working slowly, I don't know, but I still can't stand that name or city/state! It's been well over a year and I'm still triggering!

Hmmm...maybe if I run around in the cold and shout the name.... LOL. JK, I know those are two separate things. BUT... I wish there was SOME way to lessen the affect. Three of our favorite shows feature a character with OW's name! And now - my DD's recent possible-boyfriend is from the same darn place where OW lives!!! (Not that common a place and very far from where we are. I think it's a sad twist of irony...or something!)

Of course, Long Way is doing a better job of dealing with triggers than I am - or at least has her head on straight about them. She might do better with the flooding technique than I have! LOL

I think it's GREAT that you're listening to the broadcasts together.

She only listens if I ask her to. However, we regularly discuss the stories I hear on the show, and she's very interested.

One of the unfortunate truths about females who have affairs is that typically their husbands were neglecting them. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason. I was one of those husbands. She is doing a great job meeting my needs, avoiding Love Busters, and enforcing EPs these days; I am still trying to be better!

LW's H listens with her too - so good for both of you!

My husband only does stuff when I ask him too as well - but he does so willingly and I figure that's what counts. My H would rather avoid talking about affair situations altogether.

All of us who got here were doing things wrong in our marriages - otherwise we wouldn't be here. I'm going to make all my kids go through the MB program BEFORE they get married!!!

I'm looking for help. I've been married for 20 years this March. My wife and I have been disconnected for the past two years. Still living together but more like great housemates than husband and wife. we are both just exhausted from fighting and dealing with our issues.

We've come close to filing separation papers, but either have. We have both spoken to attorneys. At one point or another in the heat of it all, threats of divorce have come up. I believe at our core we do not want to see the marriage dissolve. When strip away all the built up sh@t, we are two people that can connect and love each other.

We both have lots of issues of hurt, betrayal, disappointment and unhappiness. We don't seem to want to validate each others hurt or accept any responsibility to each other.

We both have handled our hurt poorly. LOTS of miscommunication, misunderstanding and explosive reactions to the misunderstandings.

After looking closely and honestly, we have both engaged in bad behavior that would be considered emotionally abusive. Not because either of us are blind, unintelligent, inherently dysfunctional people (maybe dysfunctional behaviorally), but when hurt we acted out in poor judgement especially when fighting or dealing with emotional stresses.

We have trust issues.
I don't know if there has been martial infidelity on my wife's part. There have been behavior from my wife that I have become suspicious about, insecure and feel betrayed and disrespected over, but I cannot say she has had an affair. When I voice my worries to friends, I've received very mixed responses from "Are You Blind?" to " maybe it's not what it seems.

I began to snoop and I am embarrassed that I have violated our marriage this way. But I do not want to be caught blindsided.

I don't know what to do with my anger, sense of betrayal, my hurt, the lack of sensitivity and understanding.

I don't know where to turn, we have tried therapy but it was short lived, maybe it was the counselor, maybe it was me, I think I was still too hurt and angry and especially when for every hurt I expressed there was a battle to defend or validate my feelings or maybe a lack of acknowledging.

Then the big issue is money. We just could not afford to keep going to these sessions once a week, even if we went to another therapist.

So here I am desperate, sad, worried sick and seeking help.

Welcome to MB, Robbie.

It won't be effective for you to post your story in this thread. You need to start your own thread in an appropriate forum. This forum is for people recovering their marriage, usually from an affair, and you are not at that stage yet, so I would not start a thread here if I were you.

I suggest you go to the forum Marriage Builders 101. Once there, click "new topic" and that starts a new thread. Give the thread a title and then copy your post into that new thread.

Good luck.

I have another thought, Robbie: since you have felt the need to snoop, it is best to rule out an affair. If you had your suspicions then they might well be true. The people in the forum Surviving an Affair are experts at working out when an affair is in progress. They will help you snoop effectively. It might be better for you to start your thread there.

Thanks for both posts

I will follow your suggestions