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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
Originally Posted by MrsWondering
I am also interested in hearing what you learned from watching Dr. Harley's video, Goldi. Once you finish telling us that, will you please answer my questions that I am quoting below?

Mrs. W

Originally Posted by MrsWondering
*Goldi, if you didn't have all the facts about your life, would that be okay? Of course not!

*Let's say your husband had a 5 year affair and decided that he just couldn't tell you because you might choose to divorce him if you knew. Wouldn't that be tricking you into staying married to him?

*Wouldn't you deserve the right to make the choice about whether or not you wanted to stay married to someone who cheated on you for 5 years? I haven't cheated for 5 years!

*You would have a right to all the facts about your life, wouldn't you?

*If you weren't given all the facts in order to make an informed choice, well that would mean you were being treated like a pet, wouldn't it?

*How is your husband any different?
We need to stay together for our family...divorce isn't an option, and he has told me that. I really don't think he needs to know- that's just how I feel. I don't see how it will help anything!

Can you please do me a favor and answer my questions as they were asked? Separately and addressed to you.

Thanks.

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
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DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
And this wasn't any long term thing at all, we were together probably a total of three hours over two days.

The effects are still certainly devastating, and you need to understand the path you are on and how to recover.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
When is Dr. Harley on the radio??

Here's the page about the radio program, Goldilocks:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
[ We need to stay together for our family...divorce isn't an option, and he has told me that. I really don't think he needs to know- that's just how I feel. I don't see how it will help anything!

You are the LAST person qualified to decide what your husband "needs" or doesn't need. Your H is not an idiot who needs you to make his decisions for him. He is not a child and he is not your PET. He is a grown man who can make his own decisions. HE will decide if divorce is an option. This is his right.

All you are trying to do is trick him into staying married to you against his will. That is cruel and manipulative.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I will post my ?s for you again: [I have amended the "5 years" part -- though it doesn't matter -- cheating for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 years, etc is ALL still cheating...and still requires the same thing: HONESTY!]

I am also posting a follow up question to your "of course not" answer to my first question.

* Goldi, if you didn't have all the facts about your life, would that be okay? Goldi's answer = Of course not!

Follow up: * Then why is it okay for your husband not to have all the facts about his life?

* Let's say your husband had an affair and decided that he just couldn't tell you because you might choose to divorce him if you knew. Wouldn't that be tricking you into staying married to him?

* Wouldn't you deserve the right to make the choice about whether or not you wanted to stay married to someone who cheated on you?

* You would have a right to all the facts about your life, wouldn't you?

* If you weren't given all the facts in order to make an informed choice, well that would mean you were being treated like a pet, wouldn't it?

* How is your husband any different?

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Goldilocks
When is Dr. Harley on the radio??

Here's the page about the radio program, Goldilocks:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
Thank you Markos, I appreciate it...

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This program doesn't work without radical honesty.

Do you understand that, Goldi?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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How to Plan B Correctly
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This just happened last weekend. I'm still trying to understand everything. We quit communicating a few days ago and it is emotionally hard- I'm sorry about that, but it is. We both understand we need to work on our marriages and what we did wasn't right. We were in touch every day since October and it hurts right now, but I'm trying to do the right thing!

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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
This just happened last weekend. I'm still trying to understand everything. We quit communicating a few days ago and it is emotionally hard- I'm sorry about that, but it is. We both understand we need to work on our marriages and what we did wasn't right. We were in touch every day since October and it hurts right now, but I'm trying to do the right thing!

I appreciate your honesty.

Keep reading.
Keep posting.
Answer Mrs W's questions.


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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
This just happened last weekend. I'm still trying to understand everything. We quit communicating a few days ago and it is emotionally hard- I'm sorry about that, but it is. We both understand we need to work on our marriages and what we did wasn't right. We were in touch every day since October and it hurts right now, but I'm trying to do the right thing!

If you are serious about doing the right thing, then you need to go tell your husband the truth TONIGHT. And after you do that you can tell the kids.

We will see how serious you really are by your ACTIONS.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In this you cannot "try". You must DO.

If you are determined to keep this a secret..then you are doomed to repeat it again. It's a loyalty that you will always share with this OM and your marriage will be doomed to fail because of it. Maybe not today or tomorrow or months from now..but eventually it will catch up to you..and what you are trying to prevent now by keeping it a secret will inevitably happen when your BH finds out the truth..on his own.

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And, get tested for STDs.
Chances are, this was not OM's first adultery.

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It wasn't only ONE day, it was MONTHS, and the longer you wait to come clean with your BH, the longer it lasts.

Many of us here, the BSs, thought that we wouldn't even try if our spouse had an A, well that didn't turn out to be true once we were faced with it. It's up to your BH.

You have A LOT of esteemed vets posting to you, because they came to the call for help. But it wasn't for YOU that they came. It's for YOUR Betrayed Husband, your marriage, and Other Man's Betrayed Wife. Let them help.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
It would probably mean the end of my family. I can't tell him, and why is everyone so judgmental here?
Stop whining and listen, Goldilocks. What you did is breathtakingly stupid and selfish. And you know that, or you wouldn't have come to a marriage building website. What did you expect us to do - enable your wayward mentality by patting you on the hand and saying 'There, there'?

We don't pull punches, here. If you're doing the right thing, we support and applaud you. If you're doing something that will drive your marriage into the ditch, we're going to advise you appropriately.

Consider a few things: You CAN tell your husband, but because you are selfish and entitled, you CHOOSE not to. The moment you engaged in the affair with OM, you became an adulterous liar. Your H is married to an adulterous liar. Look in the mirror and you will see an adulterous liar. As long as you hide the facts of his marriage from your husband, you will remain an adulterous liar. So plan to go through life with that title affixed to yourself. You are an ADULTEROUS LIAR who betrayed her husband and her marriage vows.

You think I'm being mean to you? I'm not. I have no emotional investment with you, and my words are posted strictly to help you. My husband had an affair. For as long as he was involved with OW and hiding his filthy secret from me, he was an adulterous liar. Every time he looked in the mirror, he saw an adulterous liar. Until he told me everything about the affair, he was an adulterous liar. These are not my words. They are words he used to describe who he was during his affair.

When he confessed his affair and began recovery based on complete honesty and the concepts here, he was no longer an adulterous liar. See how it works?

Consider something else: you didn't have an affair with yourself. There are two people keeping this secret of yours. You have no control over what OM does with this secret. If he is married, the guilt may get the best of him and he will confess to his wife. She may well choose to call your husband so he knows what he's married to. Or she will find evidence of the affair and he will admit it. If he is single, he may one day 'get religion' and decide to track your husband down to confess the affair as part of his penance. You control NONE of these things. You should plan to keep watch for the day when you walk in the house and see your husband standing there, staring at you in shock with the phone in his hand. How long do you want to live like that? Did you read the recent story of the 99 year old man who is divorcing his wife of 70 years? He just found out she was unfaithful to him - about 60 YEARS ago. Is this how you choose to live? I can't help but wonder how differently things would have turned out for them had she only told the truth decades earlier. You see, Goldilocks, much of the hurt a betrayed feels comes from the hiding and deception of the affair. So hiding it will only compound his agony when he DOES find out. And it's interesting how truth has a way of popping up when you least expect it.

Your H deserves the truth. He deserves to choose whether or not he wishes to remain married to someone he trusted who dealt him this blow. That's HIS call, not YOURS. Amazingly, a large number of betrayed spouses choose to remain in their marriage and recover from the affair. I am one of them. There are many more. If you are very, very blessed, your H will be one of them as well. It's wrong of you to take that choice away from him.

Or you can weasel your way through life and hope every single day that he never finds out, unlike that 99 year old man.

What do you want to do?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I do appreciate everyone's advice. Thank you to everyone who has tried to help. I don't understand why I would need to tell my kids. What good would that do???

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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
I do appreciate everyone's advice. Thank you to everyone who has tried to help. I don't understand why I would need to tell my kids. What good would that do???

Get STD testing.

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A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Yes, I am not happy with who I see in the mirror either.

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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
I do appreciate everyone's advice. Thank you to everyone who has tried to help. I don't understand why I would need to tell my kids. What good would that do???

Do you think its good to lie to kids about the source of tension in their home? Your adultery affects them too, and they deserve the truth as well. Honesty is the solution, not more lies.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Goldilocks
Yes, I am not happy with who I see in the mirror either.

Get STD testing.

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