You were a coward when you cheated because instead of telling your husband how unhappy you were and try to fix your marriage you hid from your problems in another married mans bed.

And you carry on being a coward because you want to hide and lie to your family instead of having the courage to do what is right.

I don't have any respect or interest in helping people who choose to lie knowing full well what they are doing is wrong.

That's all I have to say to you gold.

I'm out.

H.E. double toothpicks NO!!! Why would i ever want to live in deception and lies. You have no right to keep this horrible thing from him. It's worse than not telling a mom their kid died.

CV

This is so true. One of the massive things people overlook is history. You can make this a smaller blip in your history with him or a long one. Longer disasters have less chance of recovery IMO.

Nothing wrong with being a better wife..Everything wrong with being a lying, cheating wife who will continue to lie to her husband.
How can you be a better wife..when you are not trying to be a better person?
Do you honestly believe you can be a better wife..knowing full well you lied and cheated and continue to hide it from the one you want to be better to?

A better wife is an honest wife. A wife who won't do it again is an honest and open wife, one who places her heart in her Husband's hands and remains accountable. One who works on eliminating the conditions for the A. All you are doing right now is setting yourself up for something far worse.

**edit**

Interesting point. What do you want to do, Goldi - whine on a website, or recover your marriage?

My kids try these kinds of dumb excuses on me all the time. It doesn't work with them, either.

"Dear child, I already told you to go to bed. You have lost your computer time tomorrow."

"WHAT??? I was just sitting here reading my English book. Don't you want me to be EDUCATED????????"

Basically, what you're saying is:

"Something is wrong with all you people for thinking I should tell. I won't ever do it again, because except for that one little time where we slipped about 6 inches too close, I've been good! I'll be nice to my BH, so nice that it won't matter if I keep lying to him for decades. DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE NICE TO MY HUSBAND????????????"

Sorry, hon. It's a little too late to be nice to him. You're 6 inches and a bunch of texts past nice already.

Goldi,

I agree with the readers who have said that lying is insidious and destructive to your marriage. Its much easier to forgive a repentant person who confesses than one who says they're sorry only after they're caught. Plus, your spouse will have so much more trust during recovery. You know this is true. You came here to fix this, and there are some wise people telling you to come clean and let the truth set you free. Sure, its hard facing surgery without anesthetic, but better to endure the pain than lose your life. Save your marriage today! Grow up, listen, and act!

And I said after reading all of those pages (did you read all 29?), come back with questions about it. What questions do you have?

Also, did you email Dr. Harley and Joyce, yet?


Are you referring to something you read from Dr. Harley?

Why would you say something like this, when you know that it's a ridiculous thing to say?

Don't waste your energy being obnoxious with people who are trying to help you, Goldi.

When are you going to tell your husband what you've done to him and your marriage?

You said something almost identical to the above last night, and I asked you a question about it -- I will ask again:

How do you know you "will never do anything like this again"? How are you so sure? Do you have a plan?

What is your plan?

Hint: You MUST have a plan [and HONESTY has to be a part of it] -- Willpower is very unreliable -- you've already proven that, yes?

Mrs. W

Lets remove your minimizing word "maybe". He does deserve to know the truth. And as long as you are in this lie....the affair will have power over you and complete power over him. Not very loving.

I told him last night. I don't want to talk about it yet. I just want to sincerely thank the people who truly have helped me. The bitter hateful women and men here...I wish you love and forgiveness in your lives as well.

Yes I did something horribly stupid, and with someone else's husband, I'm not making excuses for myself. But I didn't force myself on him either. He is the one who pursued me relentlessly. Telling me EVERYTHING I wanted to hear. Etc..etc. And I did allow myself to get caught up in it. Mrs. Wondering...I made a CHOICE this time. That's how I know it will never happen again. Men have come on to me my whole life, hubby's friends, co-workers, neighbors...whoever. I HAVE NEVER BEFORE DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Because it was a choice I made. And I am sorry. And I am SORRY it was with a married man, but he also made his own choices. It's something I will have to live with the rest of my life.
But the bitter, hateful people here, try showing the next person some love, possibly some understanding, or don't say anything at all. YOUR spouses who have cheated are human, and no one on earth is perfect. I can imagine you have done something wrong once or twice in your lives too.

Stop thinking about yourself for just a moment and put on your logical-thinking cap.

Do you think your husband wasn't as frustrated in your marriage as were you? Do you believe he wasn't tuned in to the tensions, resentments, and etcetera?

I assure you, he felt the same way as you did about your marriage. Here's where it gets interesting: he's keenly aware that something happened last October. He sensed a big change. Suddenly, he was relieved of the pressure to meet your emotional needs because you started having them met elsewhere. He felt this as surely as if a weight was lifted off of his back.

He's noted your odd behavior over the last several months and is very curious about what's going on with you. His radar has been switched to terrain-mapping mode and he's reading all the fine detail he's getting from your reflections.

He will note a major swing in your emotional make-up following your "trip." He'll again, see a major change in your interactions with him. He's going to become quite alarmed at the the changes in you that have been occurring over the last 3 months, and he's going to start putting together the puzzle. He will figure this out. If he's like me, he's sitting there with a smile on his face, offering you a cup of coffee while, when you're not around, he's diligently straining through records to rebuild the last 3 months of your life.

You and the other adulterous liar think you're very smart, that you covered all the bases, and that you completely covered your tracks, but I assure you: you missed something. And it will be found. Either your husband or the man-swine's wife will put it together, and it will blow up in your face.

Your husband will be deeply hurt and saddened by the physical aspects of your adultery. It will change the way he looks at you, but (and I may catch some flack for this), it is a relatively less-severe wound to heal.

When your husband reflects on your ability to deceive him, to establish, meticulously structure, and maintain a secret life for an extended period of time while doing his laundry, going out to dinner, making love to him, and cozily nestling in the financial, physical, and emotional support he provides for you, he's going to be dramatically traumatized.

This is what will wrench his gut closed like a vice, causing him to drop weight at an alarming rate. This is what will cause him to startle awake and jump out of bed multiple times in the middle of the night. This is what will cause him to spontaneously burst into tears, and maybe even collapse to the floor. This is what will make him sit around in a mind-numbed haze for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.

Your lies are the real betrayal, and there is none worse in humanity.

And the longer the lie persists, the more pronounced will be the impact.

Appropriate, the screen-name you chose, as it's evident you still reside in a fairy-tale (yeah, baby-bear's bed was JUST RIGHT, wasn't it . . .). Your marriage is over. You destroyed it. It's done, and you can't undo it. If you have any hope of building a new one with the man you now call your husband, you MUST tell him about your adulterous affair.

Do it now.

No my marriage isn't over.

And I chose "Goldilocks" because I have blonde hair.

I hope no one rakes you over the coals for the mistakes you have made in your life.

Considering the degree to which you're going to make excuses for what you did, and to insult people who've rightfully accosted you for knowingly and willfully committing a crime against innocents, some for whom you had a responsibility for extraordinary care, I'm not sure I believe you told your husband.

If you did, I recommend that he come to the MB web site and establish a thread for himself, so the veterans here can guide him through the MB program and aid him in his healing.

You can cut the self-pity, drama queen act sister. You've been treated better here than you deserve.

EDIT: If I were caught living a life of lies specifically designed to deceive and hurt my wife for the sole purpose of engaging in selfish, gratuitous behavior, I would hope to be "raked over the coals," and would feel lucky if that were the only repercussions.

The hard part hasn't even started yet.

Goldilocks,

I've been married for almost 23 years. We have recovered our marriage from 2 of my wife's affairs. We are still working on improving our marriage. My wife coming clean and doing the hard work was the best thing she ever did for us. No, neither of us did everything right (read my link at the bottom of my signature).

She made a choice too. Otherwise it would have been rape and not an affair. We are all human, and that is the point. we are not base animals. Now that you have confessed to your Husband, are you ready to get to work on saving your marriage? Many here have done it. We've been where you were, or in similar places.

CV

Yes, I did tell my husband. I'm not going to share what happened because of people like yourself. It's no one else's business, your criticism doesn't help solve anything. I'm not going to waste my time defending myself. My God, what do you want, blood?