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...for the last 2 weeks or so, the past has been constantly in the front of my mind. Again, not anger or any emotion directed at my W, but it seems like there are constant triggers and reminders. Even subtle things that normally would not act as a trigger have for the last while. It�s the same feelings and emotions that I have felt before, difference is that it�s not passing like it always has.
Some of this may stem from the fact that I chose early on not to ask about every little detail of the A. I just didn�t feel that I needed to know details�.I asked what I felt I needed to know and that was it. Not that my W would not tell me, just that I decided it was not necessary. In some ways I wonder if that lack of information is what is causing this.
Another possible source is that my W and I each have a sibling that is currently either involved in or struggling through the aftermath of an A. The subject has been part of normal conversation for quite a while now. I probably know more details of their situations than I do about my own.
Regardless, my W has always been willing to talk to me about things if I feel I need to. She�s always wondered if I asked enough questions and has told me time and again that she�ll tell me anything I want to know. I�ve always opted not to do so, but lately I�m wondering if it�s a bad idea or not.
Has anyone else this far out from an A faced this? If so, what did you do about it? Is it best just left alone at this point or can it be beneficial to get it out, even this far down the road? I just wonder if a discussion like that is worth it when you consider the emotion required to have it�..still is a difficult subject to have a frank discussion about.
Just curious as to what others think based on their own experience. Perhaps you are also having some post-holiday letdown? I am also 8 years out from second D-Day of the VLTA. I notice for me these same feelings you describe do not monotonically decrease. There are rare and occasional more intense periods of sadness, questioning and feelings of loss. But then it�s back to long periods of few and barely noticeable episodes. Don�t mistake your current mental state as your entire future. Why not have this very same conversation with your wife? I mean this conversation you are having with the posters in this thread. It�s meta-A intimate conversation. It is not so much about the old A as it is about your present feelings and your anxieties about the future. Make it about what you feel and what you want for your marriage now. The old A is just a set piece. eta: What one more detail about the old A do you most want to know more about? Would you D her over the answer? Would the answer ruin your life forever? What difference would it make? None. It would only be scratching an old, old scar. Which then itches even more.
Last edited by Aphelion; 01/12/12 03:29 PM.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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It�s meta-A intimate conversation. I don't understand what this means. What is a 'meta-A intimate conversation'?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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eta: What one more detail about the old A do you most want to know more about? Would you D her over the answer? Would the answer ruin your life forever? What difference would it make? None. It would only be scratching an old, old scar. Which then itches even more. There are no A details that I'm wanting to know. At this point it makes absolutely no difference in the world. When I brought up details originally I was trying to explain past hesitancy to speak of the A at all (on my part). I seem to have worded it to sound that I want her to air all the details of her A with me now. What I meant was that even immediately after the DDay, when I had every right to ask her for these details, I didn't do it....not as much because I didn't want to know anything...in a way I did and in a way I didn't...I didn't ask because it would have been yet another painful conversation (had enough of those out of necessity at that point in time). That hesitancy continues to this day, whether out of habit or out of not wanting to go down that road. It's never been important enough for me to do it, so..... It's probably a combination of things. Additional work needed on the M for sure. And I know the family issues have struck a chord as well...especially with her brother. They are very close friends of ours and we decided to share our story with them in hopes of helping. Difficult to do for sure and it digs up the past in a new way.
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I don't understand what this means. What is a 'meta-A intimate conversation'? Sheesh, I should make you look it up. But I don�t think you would. Meta � 1. A prefix appearing in loanwords from Greek with the meanings after, along with, beyond, among, behind, transcending. 2. Columns or posts placed at each end of a racetrack to mark turning places. Example: In rule-based AI systems, meta-rules are rules about rules Both definitions apply here, actually. Note neither definition includes �about.� So, even you should be able to deduce a Meta-A intimate conversation would be a conversation about how to discuss adultery, not about a specific adultery. Exactly what the starter of this thread is doing on this thread. He should have it with his wife. Such a conversation would be IC EN meeting for both of them, if done right. Do you need me to define intimate, or conversation?
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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What I meant was that even immediately after the DDay, when I had every right to ask her for these details, I didn't do it...not as much because I didn't want to know anything...in a way I did and in a way I didn't...I didn't ask because it would have been yet another painful conversation (had enough of those out of necessity at that point in time). That hesitancy continues to this day, whether out of habit or out of not wanting to go down that road. It's never been important enough for me to do it, so... It seems to this interested bystander that it is important to you. At least at times. Have a conversation with your wife about how to have the necessary conversation.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Again, not trying to come across as argumentative at all....you make excellent points. I just wonder if I came across too strong. I can't see that anyone can go through an A and ever totally leave the memories behind. It's learning the best way to deal with them when they arise that befuddles me at times. Yet they do leave the memories behind when the marriage is better than the pre-affair marriage. And what I mean by better is a romantic, passionate marriage. That is the standard of "recovery" in Marriage Builders. Dr Harley will tell you that if you are being triggered for no other obvious reason this far out that you have NOT recovered your marriage. And let me explain why this is so important. An affair blows a huge hole in the marriage. That hole has to be filled with something strong enough to wipe out the bad. The only thing I know of is a romantic, fulfilling marriage. If that does not happen, the BS is left with bad memories, resentment, hatred, etc. If that hole is not filled with something good, the wound will remain filled with something bad. Oh...as for the in love question...wasn't ignoring that. That's an excellent point and one I've got to consider. I am going to predict the answer is really no and that you and your wife would fail the test in Harley's book, Effective Marriage Counseling. You might feel satisfied, but I bet you have never reached the MB standard of romantic love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I came back here to see what other people deal with years later. I don't deal with the memories at all. I haven't since the quality of my marriage changed. It has been years. I never want to forget what happened....sometimes those memories are what keeps the defenses sharp and the boundaries in place. My H and I do have very good boundaries and sharpened defenses. Not because we are scared, but because our marriage means so much to us that we don't want to jeopardize the good thing we have. I don't have to be triggered about the affair, though, to observe these boundaries. highroad, my suggestion to you would be to really focus on creating a fantastic marriage. You will see a huge difference in those memories. When you have a great marriage you won't be thinking about your bad past. I haven't had memories in years. His affair no longer hurts me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HighRoad,
You wrote I came back here to see what other people deal with years later
What do you think your W thinks about the affair now and how do you think it affects your relationship?
It's somewhat like Tolstoys White bear, if someone tells you not to think about a polar bear you can't get the horrid thing out of your mind.
I read some of your older posts, did your meeting OM at church make going to church a bit of a trigger for you? I know in my case before my W was taking OM4 to church with her I trusted the institution, but now I feel very uneasy about her being there.
God Bless
Gamma
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Hello, I imagine you remember me from that time period?
I was demented by the A and the details. I wish I could go back and live it again and do it all differently. I guess 'knowing it all' really helped me in the long term coz I have no residual pain - absolutely none. I only have sadness at the lost time and the hurt I inflicted on others during my BS madness. I think of myself as crazy during recovery!
The thing I've learned from the A was that I am not special. I never deserved to go thru life without pain. Crud happens to everyone. Being a BS was part of my life and I had to learn to accommodate it. In many ways I am a much better person because of it.
If you feel that you haven't been able to move on because of not knowing the details you can always discuss them with your wife. Grieve all over again - it won't take as much out of you as it did in 2004 but it will be distressing. Most of all it will be really negative for both of you. I also believe that if you seek out the negative you won't benefit from it.
In one of my processing phases I realised that my FWH was a good life partner. I didn't want to start over with anyone else. I realised that marriage was a good arrangement but that no one tells us the truth about how old marriage can become at times. But an A sure wakes us up to the alternatives. You've worked it thru with your FWW and life is good. Let it go now. It's ok to let it go. There's nothing to be gained by looking back. You are blessed with a happy life - it's all in the past and life is good.
Marilyn
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highroad, my suggestion to you would be to really focus on creating a fantastic marriage. You will see a huge difference in those memories. When you have a great marriage you won't be thinking about your bad past. I haven't had memories in years. His affair no longer hurts me. Best advice ever...am shifting focus there. What do you think your W thinks about the affair now and how do you think it affects your relationship?
It's somewhat like Tolstoys White bear, if someone tells you not to think about a polar bear you can't get the horrid thing out of your mind.
I read some of your older posts, did your meeting OM at church make going to church a bit of a trigger for you? I know in my case before my W was taking OM4 to church with her I trusted the institution, but now I feel very uneasy about her being there. She's disgusted by it, although it's not something she has issue with. I can tell when/if she's dealing with memories because she will come to me and thank me for not walking away when it would have been easiest and for being willing to do all the work for so long with no payoff. Not that I ever want her to think of it, but those 'thank yous' go further toward meeting my admiration and affection needs than most anything. As for the church issue....it did for a while, though we aren't at the same church any more. The A was a part of our moving on, but not the main reason. Granted we were very slow to get involved elsewhere after that. More than that I have found myself very reluctant to make close couple friends over the years since OM and OMW were that to us. It's not something I necessarily think about, I just tend to keep friends (that aren't family) at arms length. Hello, I imagine you remember me from that time period? I assume you had a different screen name then?
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Just to add a bit of different perspective...
I've noticed lately that when I am feeling down on myself, for whatever reason, I tend to think about the affair and details of it more than when I am feeling confident. I don't know if this is just me - but it makes sense, in my opinion. When you're doing things that are healthy on an individual basis and feeling a great sense of self worth, other things - other people - aren't as threatening.
I think focusing on a great marriage is the single best answer to this!
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