Thank you.
Always happy to learn.

And the "stroker" should learn to not go hating.

I see a valid need to feel good about herself. When a H gets into another womans bed most times a W will need to find a way to validate her attractiveness.

That's all I see her statement at.

My XH didn't 'affair down' in the looks department. Of course every affair is by its nature 'affairing down', but XHs OW is 21 years younger than him. And pretty. XH likes pretty and young.

I've always been secure in my physical looks. Except with how my XH viewed me...as I got into my 30s I began to see the shift in how he viewed me. It annoyed me more than hurt me. I felt like saying, 'look around, most 35 year olds look WORSE than me!' I realized then and even more now that it was not in my control...it was a fatal character flaw of his that he cared to the EXTREME about youth and attractiveness.

He is obsessed with his own looks too...I think it all stems from him feeling 'less than' his entire life and getting the pretty girl(first me then OW) to make him feel better.

My dh is gorgeous. And he adores me. With make up, without make up, in jeans or dressed up. When we are deep in conversaton about some important subject he will get teary eyed and say how did he get so lucky to get me.

I did learn a lesson from my failed marriage. I underestimated the importance of admiration. I offer it often and freely to my dh. I did not do that with my first husband, and by the time I understood he needed that there was so much resentment toward him for the many painful events through out our long marriage that I felt like I would choke if I tried to compliment him on anything.

I had always thought the OW was a bit mannish, too! I just couldn't believe it, after D-day that THAT was the person my H was in love with. :horrific gasp:

I, too, thought accomplishments, achievements, and success were attractive and desirable qualities in a mate. I suppose they don't meet any emotional needs though, or make a person more enjoyable to spend time with.

OW always had time for my H, always listened to him, appreciated him, asked for his advice. She was less intelligent than H, and he was flattered by that.

The main similarity she had to me was her life situation at the time he met her - hardworking single mother, recently separated from an abusive husband. (I had been there at age 21, though. OW was 46 at the time, and she's not changing or digging herself out; she'll still be like that 10 years from now)

Smiling Woman, Since so many men have admiration as top 5, or #1!, any tips on how best to meet that need. (Most bang for your words!) Thanks.

IAin'tReady-

Our situation is similar- except the OW was much younger than us ( 13 years younger). She was a dumsel in distress. Less intelligent than my husband, and needed guidance and caretaking in a way I have never. He was a knight in shining armor to her. And he ate up the praise she poured on him for it.

I have always been a highly competent person- and can manage my life easily. She was a hot mess. He spent a lot of time rescuing her. She spent a lot of time praising him.

But I will disagree with you. I think being a whole and complete person is a person you want to spend your life with- and that is far more enjoyable than praise from a smaller person. Saving a person from themselves every day for the rest of their lives is a big job, and a tiring one.

I'd much rather be with someone who can save themselves.

It's funny, isn't it. They always seem to be so... lame in comparison.

My WW's OP was an unattractive, balding 26 year old army wannabe. Couldn't get into the real army, so he worked as a coffee-getter in the front office on base. Owned fatigues, helmet and everything, but couldn't actually get in. No real passion in life, no drive, and couldn't talk about anything intelligently. Had never left his home town. His pride and joy was his stereo system... and an american flag toilet seat. No joke.

My wife is a cultured, intelligent, well travelled person. We've lived in 3 countries, we speak 4 languages each, love art, architecture, and music. We've lived our life following our passion. In comparison, this guy was a lump. Not worth 2% of my wife, or me for that matter.

Not to mention the moral differences between him and I . I consider that whole comparison a part of the insanity of the fog. We have to remember, as BSs, that the fog actually divides your WS against him/herself. It makes the WS actively destroy her life and the people who love her, all the while thinking it's OK. The most outrageous rationalizations are required to make this possible. And if the fog can convince your WS that destroying her life is a good thing, it's cake to convince her that Joe Schmuck is a knight in shining armor.

I think the beginning point is that there has to be something admirable in one's spouse. I think my dh is awesome and so I make sure I tell him that often. It took some practice...I am not that comfortable handing out praise....I think it....I just don't want to sound cheesy or fakey...but apparently I don't because my dh loves it.

I compliment him on his looks often. I admire him across the room and he likes that. But I also make sure I compliment him on how he handles the boys or any specific situation. For instance recently a friend of his called my dh asking for him (dh) to speak to her 20ish year old son who was about to get himself into some moral trouble. Dh called him up and took him to dinner and had a frank talk with how easily it could all go very bad. I told dh I was VERY proud of him having the character to put himself out there that way and counsel that young man.

But you know, I am still a newly wed...married just over a year...and we are very much in love....so it has been easy to implement MB principles which tie so nicely in with Christian principles--which we also practice. When things have gone bad though...and years of neglect have turned things ugly...it is HARD to turn around those feelings and have a loving marriage again. When I was divorcing XH he turned my stomach. And the thought of having to say something complimentary about him/to just made me ill.

I told dh I was VERY proud of him having the character to put himself out there that way and counsel that young man.
VERY cool, SW!

SW you are right, there does have to be something admirable in ones own spouse. My husband has many great qualities. I thought I did compliment alot before, but it wasn't what he wanted to be praised for. H takes a lot of pride in working hard and being a good provider. He would always put in any amount of time it took to get the job done. I would often critize the long hours he put in at his job. I wanted him to be home with me and the kids. He would say "there are a lot of men out there that don't work at all." I think we are both on the same page where this subject is concerned now.

That is ironic because the ONE thing I admired about my XH was his work ethic. He worked hard and made a good living. So I would praise him for that. Then he would accuse me of viewing him as my 'meal ticket'.

My H would never accuse me of using him as a meal ticket. We both have put a little to much time into our careers over the years, but his was more of a constant. I do and always have appreciated how driven he is. After the birth of our duaghter I was really looking for us to both slow down a bit. I think the added responsibility drove him even deeper into his work. He has now cut back on his hours and it is great. We are cooking together, going to the gym and planning for the future.

After the birth of our daughter...I think the added responsibility drove him even deeper into his work.

OUCH! That sounds distressingly familiar. Good for the two of you that you're now jointly managing that pressure better. If you ever see him drifting the wrong way again, print out part of my story and give it to him.

Most of the posts in this thread are about the OW being unattractive, etc. But, in my situation, the OW is quite attractive with the knock-out body, esp. a few years ago when DH met her. She is less so now (saw her on Facebook). She looks beat in some of her pics, which I am secretly grateful for!

Luckily I am in the best shape I have ever been in, and my H tells me almost daily how hot and sexy I am. I am still a little jealous of her, though, I just can't help it! Anyone else in this situation, and how do you deal with it?

My husband's OW has long blonde hair is good looking and does have a better body, curvy........and oh yeah she is 10 years younger........
It is hard for me to deal with this when I let it, I am ill as well, so I am thin and I have lost my hair and have to wear wigs, which are great and make me look so much better, I am very small chested but I have a runner type body so look great in my clothes a size 2-4, the OW is probably a 10-12.
I'm in the same place as you when I allow myself to compare it makes me feel inedequate but the trick is not allowing yourself, if the OW were so great why are they still with us..........My hair never came back and I think my husband doesnt' even notice anymore........he loves to rub my head......so looks mean nothing it was just because the OW was available and she had no morals that she was in his life at all.......
Don't let yourself go there, be proud of yourself, you are in great shape and sexy so I have heard(your husband)
You know what she is probably so jealous of you and probably feels that there is something wrong with her since he didn't end up with her..........
I am sure my husband's OW does, it must be a shock when they realize they aren't the choice......I love it.........keep your focus on that thought

lol and jt it's not about rack size or hair length.

Just eat healthy, exercise to be toned and fit. Your beauty will radiate from the inside out. Many a woman has had work done and to me it is never money well spent. Nor does it improve one's health.

AND.....

Nothing beats a great smile.

I do agree with you. Being a competent person with many good qualities, assets, and accomplishments IS very important and IS desirable in a mate and life partner.

A lower quality person is just enticing for someone to spend time sneaking around with, but doesn't much compare to a great spouse. Once they come out of the fog, they can see that clearly.

"A dumsel in distress" - I just now caught that!

I admire the way my H chops wood. I admire the shape of his face in profile. I admire that he can always think of something new to surprise me and make me feel special, even after 23 years together.
I admire that he can get breakfast and lunch ready and the kids dressed, packed, and at school on time, all in 30 minutes flat. I admire the way he can fix just about anything he sets his heart and mind to.
I admire my H's looks - a lot.

AS is a big EN for me (obviously). Admiration is one of his top EN's.

Honey is that you??

Sorry, my wife has always said this to me, and I never figured out why. I consider myself "normal" or average in every way, yet she persists in sitting and staring at me when I work outside! LOL.

I think what you wrote is awesome and healthy and well... Just good.

CV

I have noticed lately that one great way to meet the Admiration need is by doing so indirectly. My H seems to really like it when I comment to him about things, but I've seen his eyes light up when he overhears me saying something good about him to someone else. Whether I'm on the phone with someone or heck, even talking to the dogs or kids, if I say something positive about H and he hears, he seems to perk up a bit.

The other day I was talking to our German Shepherds and telling them they were almost as handsome as their daddy and Mr. Sunny was sitting nearby. I saw him smiling!

And for the record - yes, watching our men do physical work is usually a pleasant experience, CV! It doesn't have to be about looks...I don't know... it's something about the competency of it all, at least for me! I used to love going to watch when H was on his work softball team!