My most loved CV,
All of me wants all of you. My heart longs to be in perfect communion with your heart. My body longs to be completely controlled by yours. My hands long to touch you, bringing you comfort, joy and ecstasy. My lips long to kiss yours and to tell you of my deep affection and never ending love. Every part of my being longs to be captured and owned by you. Yours to lovingly command.

I am yours completely,
Grace

I will not fail you, Ishi. Thank you for loving me.

Grace

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On Fri, Jun 5, 2009 at 9:34 AM, cv wrote:
My fear is that you will always be asking for more time. That you will never accomplish what you intend to redeem/restore. My vision is clear, and has been for the last few days. We have had good talks. I will and do pray for you. I agree, we need our good shepherd. There is no more room for unfaithfulness of any kind. But I dont need to keep saying that. I know you intend to never be unfaithful again. It's what has already happened so many times that has brought me to where I am. Yet, I still hope for us. How can I not? I love you so very very much.

Ishi


On Fri, Jun 5, 2009 at 9:26 AM, Grace wrote:
My Love,

I do have hope in you and for you. My fear is that you may lose sight of that hope. I will pray that God will encourage you and give you strength and endurance and clear vision. Please remember to pray for me as well, Ishi. We need our good Shepherd.

Faithfully,
Grace

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This was Grace's email to me after all the fiasco.


Dearest CV,
Will you ...be my best friend, my confidant, my companion, my teacher, my shepherd, my husband, my lover, my Ishi? Will you let me...be your best friend, your confidant, your companion, your student, your sheep, your wife, your lover, your Grace?

Hoping for you with undying love,

Dearest wife,

I am ill at ease. My heart aches. It is sick with dread of ever newer revelations of what might have been. Of the continuation of untruths that were supposed to have been laid bare 5 months ago. I rejoice greatly that my wife, my lover, my best friend is being sanctified by the Lord, yet as time passes and words and their meanings change, as we move forward and new revelations of the past come forth, my heart breaks anew. Again and again, my heart breaks. It is rent assunder with each new word, with each new promise, with each revelation that what was once truth was not. That as the heart is continually exposed, more and more untruth is displayed before us. I groan, I wail, I mourn each new revelation, as there seems to be less and less of us in the last eight years, and more and more of you and others. I was an outsider for many years looking in. I looked in on the life that we were supposed to be sharing together, and I realize that I was less and less a participant, and more and more a spectator, standing at the glass with my hands upon it, waiting to be invited in to be a part of what was going on. Like a young child, waiting to be picked for the game, knowing that as the choosing goes on, he will be last. I write you with tears of sadness. I rejoice in having been your Ishi (husband) for five months, but am distraught that I was nothing more than just CV before that.

Dearest Grace, As we become more and more aware of the last 21 years, as the last year and a half comes sharper into focus and the details become clear, it occurs to me more and more that I was not the object of your love. I Corinthians 13 stands out in my mind as I write this. It says: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

CV

She responded to me personally in kindness and gentleness. I wish I had her words to post here... I've had lots of ups and downs, but she took it in stride, with strength, dignity and, well, grace...

CV,

You have a special way of making me feel loved...a way of showing me that I matter in your life. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself just how much you have given up just to be with me. Forgive me for the times that I seem ungreatful. Thank you for all the times that you have given up yourself. I will always be in your debt and I pray that I will make you feel as loved as you have made me feel this evening. You are my world and I love my life with you.

Lovingly devoted,
Grace

Just before we signed onto MB website she sent me this. I get these on occasion. Not as much as I used to, but that's good.:


Dear CV,

I don't say it every day, but I think it all the time. For all the many lies, mean words, things stolen, lives destroyed, our family crushed and your heart broken...for all these I remain so very sorry. Every day I endeavor to show you through my life how I have changed, and hopefully give you some peace knowing that I am still repentant. My heart is sad but it remains and always will be yours. As for your heart, I pray that one day it won't hurt quite so much. And I hope that I will be able to bring you happiness instead of sorrow. I love you completely, Ishi.

XOXO,
Grace

CV, I really respect you and your advice. However, none of these email exchanges with OM'S are necessary or helpful. After NC LETTER, extraordinary precautions should have been in place so FWW can no longer receive communication from OM's. I would hate newbies in recovery to get the impression that EP's dont extend to email. Get new email addy's and put a filter on those!

We did block OM. If you guys think they should get removed I'll pull them. I think my attempt in this was to demonstrate that **WE** (meaning me too) didn't do this all the right way. We messed up some big things along the way. Those letters are one of the things we messed up. We were, I think, a year and a half into recovery and didn't know about MB then. EP's extend to everything. I guess in retrospect, maybe they should come down. I just didn't want to give the false impression that during recovery, we did everything right...

CV

We are doing good. If you think it's too much or riding the edge, I don't mind removing it. I told her I was going to start the thread and it wasn't an issue. I'll tell you what, on the side of caution I'll remove them... better safe than sorry.

During this time, I wrote Grace some nice (I hope!) letters too. The following are some of the letters I wrote her.

Grace,

My fairest of flowers,
everyday I see you bloom anew
and every day the flower grows in beauty.
How can I express my love for you?
The breadth and depth and height of creation
cannot capture the feelings of love
I feel for you
Creation pales in comparison to the beauty of your eyes
When they sparkle with love for me
The universe dims in comparison
to the joy of your smile as your lips gently part.
The gentle breeze on a summer day does not comfort
as much as your touch on my face
The snow melts and the heavens dim when you express your love for me
My dearest of flowers
I pray that you ever bloom
with love for me

Dear Grace,

"For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his
treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. "

I love you and am determined to understand you better and to be better understood by you. You are the love of my life. I value you above all the riches of this world, above all the people in this world. I will treat you as the precious pearl of great price that you are.

Forever yours,

Dearest Grace,

I hope you have hope in me... If not in me, then for me at the very least. I have great hope for your healing and your growing to be a mighty and noble woman in Christ.

My heart is also in your hands. You are all I want as well.

Yours,

Ishi

My dearest Grace,

I see this morning that your heart is heavy and hurting. I love you, adore you and will be honoring you today, You have my heart completely. Things will never be what they were, but we can make them better. We can regain what we lost and build upon it until we have a marriage that will stun the world. We can set an example for a happy marriage that will inspire our children to greatness, encourage others, and satisfy us beyond all belief.We have the opportunity to love each other like no man or woman has ever loved before. I want that.

I loved you like that all these years and want it for us again.If Christ is for us, who can be against us? He truly makes all things new. He turned my old wife into a beautiful pearl, a great treasure. Grace, I love you, adore you, want you, need you. I am committed to our good. I am committed to us. You truly are my Grace.


Ishi

Here's a little evidence that I will never be a great writer!

Grace,

One day, colm was walking through a field, and while he was walking through it, he stumbled upon a box.
inside the box was the greatest treasure ever seen. A young girl. Her name was Fionna. Some evil witch had put a spell on fionna and trapped her in the box. it was powerful magic. old magic. Dark and brooding it had bound her there, and when Colm tried to free her, he found that he couldn't. So he told her, be patient, I think I know of a way to free you. he closed the lid on the box, knowing he didn'thave what it took to free her he dug a shallow hole and covered the box in the field. He placed a marker by the box so he wouldnt forget where he hid it...
A large dolmen, a standing stone

See there was magic on the box and fionna couldnt escape on her own and was protected from others and her surroundings in the box. it was the nature of the dark magic. Colm knew what he needed to do. he needed an older magic to free her. not the dark magic, the one that brings death...
he needed the magic that brought life. the oldest magic imaginable, the magic that existed before the dark wizards and witches and he knew where to find it.

it took Colm some time after bringing back the old magic to apply it properly, but Colm figured it out He cast the charm and freed Fionna Fionna was so grateful that someone had freed her. That someone had cared. See, many people had found Fionna over the years, but they never tried to free her. They only wanted to use her for their own ends. Colm was the first, the first who cared about Fionna for who she was.
He saw what she really was and the great value of the treasure she was, and they realized that what freed her was what bound them together... it was love.

yet and still, Fionna felt like she was worthless because of what was done to her by the Witches and those that tried to keep her in her box for all those years, what she had allowed herself to become... she still didn't see the treasure for what she really was. inestimable in value. It made her sad, but Colm bever stopped loving her.
He promised to keep her forever.

To spend the rest of his life polishing that treasure, making it shine valuing it loving it protecting it.
The magic he used, was powerful magic and after many years, Fionna came to see herself as the valuable treasure that she was and is to this very day. In fact, eventually, the happiness she always longed for came to her and she and Colm lived many many years in happiness and peace.
And they live this way, even until this very day...

Do you know the meaning of the story?


You are Fionna!!!


You are the best treasure in the world.
The dark magic is the sins committed against you and what you did to yourself.
The old magic is the word of God which has freed you. the constant application of that old magic is the applying of the word to your life so that your mind is renewed and you are conformed into the image of Christ.
then end of the story Chronicles our last (but many) years together.
How we will live out the end of our days.

how you will see yourself
See, you are washed with the old magic you are polished and protected and kept by it.
I am not the old magic, only a keeper of it, a steward... and like Fionna, you are the recipient of it It is nothing less than the Love of God contained in his Word it makes you shine!
It shows your real worth!
It transforms, frees, reveals who you really are...
Grace.

With love,
Ishi