I was going through some old mail last night and ran across these from my wife shortly after D day. Some are painful in that I can remember what I was going through as I read them, others were comforting. They tell a lot about us, but mostly what they tell me is how hard my W has worked (and consistently so) not just in word, but in deed to undo all that she did.

My hope is that others in recovery can read these and take heart, hope and love as we are, that they will be encouraged and uplifted.

CV

My Dearest CV,

How wonderful it is to have a husband who shares God's word with me. Each morning that you take time to encourage me in the scriptures is a blessing to my heart. I am looking forward to being your wife for all the many years we have in front of us. I will always strive to be a blessing to you. Thank you for your compassion towards me. I love you wit my whole being.

Forever yours,
grace

CV, my treasure,

I love you and you have my heart. Thank you for treating it with gentleness today. I'm sorry for bringing something up this morning that cast a shadow on our Bible time, we never even prayed. Next time I will hold my tongue until a more appropriate time.

Thank you for the encouragement in God's word. It says that you love me. I will try to gather my thoughts and put them in some form of comprehendable structure this morning. Again, I love you.

Honestly,
Grace

On Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 8:04 AM, <CV> wrote:
Dear Grace,

"For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his
treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. "

I love you and am determined to understand you better and to be better understood by you. You are the love of my life. I value you above all the riches of this world, above all the people in this world. I will treat you as the precious pearl of great price that you are.

Forever yours,

My dearest CV,

Please forgive me for causing you such deep sadness...I feel it too. I know it must be so hard to not hate what you see everytime you look at me. I'm sorry for not being able to make your birthday a time of gladness. All I wanted was to show you how glad I am that God gave you to me. Happy Birthday, my beloved.

I will be loving you all day.
Grace

Do you know how much I miss you this morning I enjoyed you so much last night and I can hardly wait to be near you again. You give me something to look forward to...I love you completely. I will always honor you and put you first.

Kisses and hugs galore
Grace

My CV,
No one knows better than me what a discusting and sinnful person I was last year...and for the preceeding years as well. I am not the same as I was. If you want to take me before the session, I will go without a fight, but I will remind you that I have offered to go many times and you have forbade me to do so.

I want so badly to be forgiven for all that I did. I want desperately to be your Grace and to be loved by you as your Pearl of great price. I will never ever do those things that I have done again. My heart is yours and I am faithfully commited to Christ and to you. I am begging you to remember when you washed me and all that you told me...and then tell me if it's still true.

I love you with all my heart and I am commited to us no matter what.
Grace

Dearest CV,
It is a hard thing when God shows you the depth of sin your life. It is especially difficult when you've told yourself so many lies. As i have been examining my heart. I am often shocked at what I find. There is a deep, deep sadness each time I realize that I have let fear be my guide instead of trust in the Lord. Out of fear of my own heart, I have allowed deceit to continue by refusing to look at the truth. I am repulsed by my own sin and terrified of losing you. Each time I see a new area of sin that needs to be dealt with I cringe.

When you asked me again if I lusted after those men I had to say yes. I realized that even though I didn't find either of them to be handsome or even attractive, I did use sex with them to try to bring myself fulfillment. My lust to be in control and to feel wanted and important was acted out through sex. I never wanted to believe that lust was anything other than pure sexual desire, but as I honestly searched my heart I saw that there is much more to it than that.

I am completely undone by my sin and overwhelmingly ashamed by the depth of wickedness in my heart. None the less, I have a great hope in Christ! A hope that as I surrender each lie (made knowingly or unknowingly) He is conforming me to the image of His likeness. I am so sorry that my sanctification is so painful for you. I pray that you will hold on to the hope that you have in Christ and that He will be your strength to stick it out with me to the end.

I am terribly aware that you have been enduring copious amounts of heart ache because of me and for me. Thank you for upholding your duties as my shepherd and husband. I hope that I have begun to be the Godly wife that you need and deserve. I will not relent in my pursuit of righteousness. I am committed to becoming the wife that God created me to be...your wife...faithful, honest, loving in all ways, upholding and helping.

If you choose to endure with me I promise that you will not regret it.

I love you,
Grace

CV,
Through all the years of our marriage I have loved you. Sometimes better than others and sometimes It was nearly impossible for you to tell. Still, I loved you.

I loved you when we were first married. Those first few months in the crazy little house at 12 Jacqueline. No heat, bugs the size of small pets, never quite enough money to pay the bills, you were a good husband and I loved you.

I loved you when we lost our first baby. I wanted so much to have your baby! and I was thrilled when I became pregnant with DS1. I knew you would be a good father. Even though you had to leave me for a while, you came back and then we were three...I loved you.

I loved you when you decided to leave the Corps. I found us a home in VA and I got a job. We found out we were pregnant with DD! You would come up to see me almost every weekend and I lived to be with you. Soon you moved up for good and I was so happy that you were home. DD was born and our hearts broke...I loved you.

I loved you when the jobs were bad and we didn't have enough to get by. We ate deer meat for way too long and the jobs eventually got better. Your heart was devastated by the war and by the shock of DD's arm. You were unkind and hurtful, but you loved me and I loved you.

I loved you when DS2 came around. You worked long hours and I missed you terribly. We bought the townhouse. You were still struggled, but you loved me and I loved you.

I loved you when we had three toddlers! What a time that was. We struggled to keep the bills payed and I stayed home all day with the kids...we didn't have a car for me to drive. We had some hard times, but you got excited about Christ again! You took a job in town so we could all see each other more and I loved you.

I loved you when I told you that I had been molested. You did the best you could and you were a good husband. I began to withdraw from you, but you continued to love me and I loved you.

It wasn't loving of me at all when I betrayed you and went outside of our marriage to another man. No matter what the issues were in my life, I had no right to do what I did. There will never be any justification for my unfaithfulness. I hid the truth from you, afraid to face the consequences, but I never stopped loving you.

I loved you when we moved to Greentree. I was so glad to be your wife and still I thought that I had to hide the truth of the affair from you. We decided to move to XXX so you could go to school...I felt that I owed you everything...working non-stop for 4 years was the least I could do. I was excited about you becoming a pastor and I loved you.

I loved you those three years in SC. Everyday I agonized over my hidden sin. Things were tough to say the least, but you loved me and I loved you.

It wasn't loving of me to grow angry at you over the summer when we moved back home. I should have talked to you, but I was so held hostage by my guilt that I kept it all in and instead of showing you love I showed you resentment. I full out rebelled against you and against God when I once again betrayed your love and gave myself to an other man. I treated you with contempt and I was hell-bent on destroying any happiness I could ever have. Somehow, even after I coldly told you that i didn't love you, you continued to pursue me. I realized that I did indeed still love you. Even when I lied and told that other man that I didn't love you any more, I knew in my heart that I did.

For nine months I threw everything at you. Inside I was terrified that you would leave, but outside I kept pushing you away. I knew full well that every step I took was in the wrong direction, but I kept on walking. Then on that day in June you put a stop to it all. God in his mercy let you catch me in a lie and I finally confessed after 7 or 8 years of hiding. I will always be grateful to you, no matter what happens.

My heart never stopped loving you. I fought it at times and at others I held on to it for dear life. Yes, my actions were anything but loving, my anger and self hate ran my life, but I never stopped loving you, CV. In my heart I held on to the things that kept you dear to me and everything you did to pursue me confirmed to me over and over that I would always love you. Our talks and our tears made permanent marks on my heart. Every conversation we had was a reminder of how good you and I were together. I had trapped myself in the sin of adultery, lying and fear. Till this day I do not clearly understand what was going on in my head. I did not love OM. I loved making him jump through hoops for me. I used him to make myself feel in control and powerful, but for true comfort and peace I ran home to you. Sex with him was always dirty and demeaning, and I gave place to the "if you can't beat'm join'm" mentality. Making love to you at home felt good and right. I used OM to punish myself and I used you to soothe the tremendous pain caused by it.

Please forgive me for using you. Forgive me for being unfaithful. Forgive me for taking your love for granted and for withholding my love from you. Please forgive me for touching those men, for looking at them, for conversing with them. Forgive me for giving my body to them and for teasing them with my heart. Please forgive me for not loving you as I should have, for making light of your pain and for not comforting you.

I have never been a great wife, even when I tried. I have never been able to love you the way i should and at times I just didn't even try. CV, my love has been weak and diseased, but I know without a doubt in my mind that I did always love you. What I feel for you has never been an infatuation.

I hope this letter doesn't seem vague. I have tried to compose my thoughts as clearly as possible. I am barely holding it together so I think I should end here, but I am more than willing to continue this in person. I miss you so much.

You have my heart,
Grace

Good Morning My Sweet Ishi,

Before the day gets too crazy I just wanted to say that I love you very much. Your tenderness towards me the last few days has been like a save that has soothed my heart. Your kind words and loving touch have been great encouragement to me. I hope that I have loved you as well as you have loved me. Today I am stressed (as I know you are), but I continue to find great comfort in you. Thank you for loving me and for letting me be your Grace. My heart has been captured by you and I am pleased to be in captivity.

Adoring you,

thu 2/12/2009
cv,

Will you ...be my best friend, my confidant, my companion, my teacher, my shepherd, my husband, my lover, my Ishi? Will you let me...be your best friend, your confidant, your companion, your student, your sheep, your wife, your lover, your Grace?

Hoping for you with undying love,

Ishi, I adore you! I am so indebted to you...bound to you in love and in Christ for all time. You are my hero of the faith and my hero of love. I am your humble servant, longing to please you. My heart is forever yours.

Grace

I thought I'd stop here for a moment and see if anyone is interested in reading more... The next day from this OM tried contacting my wife by email... It get's kinda interesting...

CV

ooh keep going! but you are making me feel a little inadequate , i wish i was that sappy (very bad word) open, in touch. i dont know i just wish i could write like that. you need to write a love song. or grace does.

i am lucky i get 3 lines from H. but i still get them. I also got 18 very thoughtful answers to many deep questions. so i am happy maybe H will take a read and get some ideas....

keep going. I love to hear success stories.

So sweet - who's got a hanky?

Lol... too funny!

I'll pick up with OM trying to resume contact... I'll post my response to him too...

we had some ups and downs over the next few weeks with OM trying to break contact and not knowing about MB's plan we mistakenly responded to emails from him (both of us).

So that said, I removed the letter exchange with OM and us. Deferring to the wisdom of the good folks here at MB...

edited

edited

edited

My most loved CV,
All of me wants all of you. My heart longs to be in perfect communion with your heart. My body longs to be completely controlled by yours. My hands long to touch you, bringing you comfort, joy and ecstasy. My lips long to kiss yours and to tell you of my deep affection and never ending love. Every part of my being longs to be captured and owned by you. Yours to lovingly command.

I am yours completely,
Grace

I will not fail you, Ishi. Thank you for loving me.

Grace

----------
On Fri, Jun 5, 2009 at 9:34 AM, cv wrote:
My fear is that you will always be asking for more time. That you will never accomplish what you intend to redeem/restore. My vision is clear, and has been for the last few days. We have had good talks. I will and do pray for you. I agree, we need our good shepherd. There is no more room for unfaithfulness of any kind. But I dont need to keep saying that. I know you intend to never be unfaithful again. It's what has already happened so many times that has brought me to where I am. Yet, I still hope for us. How can I not? I love you so very very much.

Ishi


On Fri, Jun 5, 2009 at 9:26 AM, Grace wrote:
My Love,

I do have hope in you and for you. My fear is that you may lose sight of that hope. I will pray that God will encourage you and give you strength and endurance and clear vision. Please remember to pray for me as well, Ishi. We need our good Shepherd.

Faithfully,
Grace

edited

edited

**edit**

edited

edited

This was Grace's email to me after all the fiasco.


Dearest CV,
Will you ...be my best friend, my confidant, my companion, my teacher, my shepherd, my husband, my lover, my Ishi? Will you let me...be your best friend, your confidant, your companion, your student, your sheep, your wife, your lover, your Grace?

Hoping for you with undying love,

Dearest wife,

I am ill at ease. My heart aches. It is sick with dread of ever newer revelations of what might have been. Of the continuation of untruths that were supposed to have been laid bare 5 months ago. I rejoice greatly that my wife, my lover, my best friend is being sanctified by the Lord, yet as time passes and words and their meanings change, as we move forward and new revelations of the past come forth, my heart breaks anew. Again and again, my heart breaks. It is rent assunder with each new word, with each new promise, with each revelation that what was once truth was not. That as the heart is continually exposed, more and more untruth is displayed before us. I groan, I wail, I mourn each new revelation, as there seems to be less and less of us in the last eight years, and more and more of you and others. I was an outsider for many years looking in. I looked in on the life that we were supposed to be sharing together, and I realize that I was less and less a participant, and more and more a spectator, standing at the glass with my hands upon it, waiting to be invited in to be a part of what was going on. Like a young child, waiting to be picked for the game, knowing that as the choosing goes on, he will be last. I write you with tears of sadness. I rejoice in having been your Ishi (husband) for five months, but am distraught that I was nothing more than just CV before that.

Dearest Grace, As we become more and more aware of the last 21 years, as the last year and a half comes sharper into focus and the details become clear, it occurs to me more and more that I was not the object of your love. I Corinthians 13 stands out in my mind as I write this. It says: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

CV

She responded to me personally in kindness and gentleness. I wish I had her words to post here... I've had lots of ups and downs, but she took it in stride, with strength, dignity and, well, grace...

CV,

You have a special way of making me feel loved...a way of showing me that I matter in your life. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself just how much you have given up just to be with me. Forgive me for the times that I seem ungreatful. Thank you for all the times that you have given up yourself. I will always be in your debt and I pray that I will make you feel as loved as you have made me feel this evening. You are my world and I love my life with you.

Lovingly devoted,
Grace

Just before we signed onto MB website she sent me this. I get these on occasion. Not as much as I used to, but that's good.:


Dear CV,

I don't say it every day, but I think it all the time. For all the many lies, mean words, things stolen, lives destroyed, our family crushed and your heart broken...for all these I remain so very sorry. Every day I endeavor to show you through my life how I have changed, and hopefully give you some peace knowing that I am still repentant. My heart is sad but it remains and always will be yours. As for your heart, I pray that one day it won't hurt quite so much. And I hope that I will be able to bring you happiness instead of sorrow. I love you completely, Ishi.

XOXO,
Grace

CV, I really respect you and your advice. However, none of these email exchanges with OM'S are necessary or helpful. After NC LETTER, extraordinary precautions should have been in place so FWW can no longer receive communication from OM's. I would hate newbies in recovery to get the impression that EP's dont extend to email. Get new email addy's and put a filter on those!

We did block OM. If you guys think they should get removed I'll pull them. I think my attempt in this was to demonstrate that **WE** (meaning me too) didn't do this all the right way. We messed up some big things along the way. Those letters are one of the things we messed up. We were, I think, a year and a half into recovery and didn't know about MB then. EP's extend to everything. I guess in retrospect, maybe they should come down. I just didn't want to give the false impression that during recovery, we did everything right...

CV

We are doing good. If you think it's too much or riding the edge, I don't mind removing it. I told her I was going to start the thread and it wasn't an issue. I'll tell you what, on the side of caution I'll remove them... better safe than sorry.

During this time, I wrote Grace some nice (I hope!) letters too. The following are some of the letters I wrote her.

Grace,

My fairest of flowers,
everyday I see you bloom anew
and every day the flower grows in beauty.
How can I express my love for you?
The breadth and depth and height of creation
cannot capture the feelings of love
I feel for you
Creation pales in comparison to the beauty of your eyes
When they sparkle with love for me
The universe dims in comparison
to the joy of your smile as your lips gently part.
The gentle breeze on a summer day does not comfort
as much as your touch on my face
The snow melts and the heavens dim when you express your love for me
My dearest of flowers
I pray that you ever bloom
with love for me

Dear Grace,

"For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his
treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. "

I love you and am determined to understand you better and to be better understood by you. You are the love of my life. I value you above all the riches of this world, above all the people in this world. I will treat you as the precious pearl of great price that you are.

Forever yours,

Dearest Grace,

I hope you have hope in me... If not in me, then for me at the very least. I have great hope for your healing and your growing to be a mighty and noble woman in Christ.

My heart is also in your hands. You are all I want as well.

Yours,

Ishi

My dearest Grace,

I see this morning that your heart is heavy and hurting. I love you, adore you and will be honoring you today, You have my heart completely. Things will never be what they were, but we can make them better. We can regain what we lost and build upon it until we have a marriage that will stun the world. We can set an example for a happy marriage that will inspire our children to greatness, encourage others, and satisfy us beyond all belief.We have the opportunity to love each other like no man or woman has ever loved before. I want that.

I loved you like that all these years and want it for us again.If Christ is for us, who can be against us? He truly makes all things new. He turned my old wife into a beautiful pearl, a great treasure. Grace, I love you, adore you, want you, need you. I am committed to our good. I am committed to us. You truly are my Grace.


Ishi

Here's a little evidence that I will never be a great writer!

Grace,

One day, colm was walking through a field, and while he was walking through it, he stumbled upon a box.
inside the box was the greatest treasure ever seen. A young girl. Her name was Fionna. Some evil witch had put a spell on fionna and trapped her in the box. it was powerful magic. old magic. Dark and brooding it had bound her there, and when Colm tried to free her, he found that he couldn't. So he told her, be patient, I think I know of a way to free you. he closed the lid on the box, knowing he didn'thave what it took to free her he dug a shallow hole and covered the box in the field. He placed a marker by the box so he wouldnt forget where he hid it...
A large dolmen, a standing stone

See there was magic on the box and fionna couldnt escape on her own and was protected from others and her surroundings in the box. it was the nature of the dark magic. Colm knew what he needed to do. he needed an older magic to free her. not the dark magic, the one that brings death...
he needed the magic that brought life. the oldest magic imaginable, the magic that existed before the dark wizards and witches and he knew where to find it.

it took Colm some time after bringing back the old magic to apply it properly, but Colm figured it out He cast the charm and freed Fionna Fionna was so grateful that someone had freed her. That someone had cared. See, many people had found Fionna over the years, but they never tried to free her. They only wanted to use her for their own ends. Colm was the first, the first who cared about Fionna for who she was.
He saw what she really was and the great value of the treasure she was, and they realized that what freed her was what bound them together... it was love.

yet and still, Fionna felt like she was worthless because of what was done to her by the Witches and those that tried to keep her in her box for all those years, what she had allowed herself to become... she still didn't see the treasure for what she really was. inestimable in value. It made her sad, but Colm bever stopped loving her.
He promised to keep her forever.

To spend the rest of his life polishing that treasure, making it shine valuing it loving it protecting it.
The magic he used, was powerful magic and after many years, Fionna came to see herself as the valuable treasure that she was and is to this very day. In fact, eventually, the happiness she always longed for came to her and she and Colm lived many many years in happiness and peace.
And they live this way, even until this very day...

Do you know the meaning of the story?


You are Fionna!!!


You are the best treasure in the world.
The dark magic is the sins committed against you and what you did to yourself.
The old magic is the word of God which has freed you. the constant application of that old magic is the applying of the word to your life so that your mind is renewed and you are conformed into the image of Christ.
then end of the story Chronicles our last (but many) years together.
How we will live out the end of our days.

how you will see yourself
See, you are washed with the old magic you are polished and protected and kept by it.
I am not the old magic, only a keeper of it, a steward... and like Fionna, you are the recipient of it It is nothing less than the Love of God contained in his Word it makes you shine!
It shows your real worth!
It transforms, frees, reveals who you really are...
Grace.

With love,
Ishi

Christmas 09


Grace,

So many years have passed before us, and most I thought were good ones, even if they were hard. I have loved you every day of them, every hour, every second, every moment... I love to look at you, to watch you walk, hear your voice, to simply be near you, or know you are around. Sometimes it is hard not knowing where your heart is, but I love it, and you. My life is better for knowing you, for loving you, for being near you. Thank you for being my friend, lover, confidant, advisor, and my biggest fan. I am not always easy to be around, but you persist with me. Thank you for that. I don't say that to you enough. I wish I had time and money to make this a truly great Christmas for you this year. Thanks for being my Grace. I love you.


Ishi

Grace,

Today is a busy day, probably for us both. I wanted to let you know that I love you very much and will be missing you all day. I will long for the time when we can be together again. My heart and mind are with you. I will be praying for your leg.

With all my love,

Ishi

I just realized something... I don't want this to be my thread.

I want others to post their love letters too. post away if you feel so moved.

I think it is VERY inspirational to read such beautiful exchanges.

My H has never been much of a writer. Nevertheless, what he says, I know he means. I save his emails and texts to me to read when I feel down or trigger-y.

changed my mind

AM

Just this week Grace sends this:


CV, my love,

You have surprised me with the letters that you kept these past years. I hadn't realized how much they meant to you. I'm happy as I read to see that I feel the same today as I did when I wrote them. I also can see how you and I have grown in love, in trust and in friendship.

As we grow older each passing year our life takes turn and twists in the road, but some things remain the same. As my love for you grows deeper each day, my confidence in us also grows. The pain of years past still lingers as we both strive to fully recover from the devastation I once brought on us. I hope that you are still able to see my repentance as I walk it out before you. Never forget that while we learn more and more to enjoy life together that I will never grow past being sorry for the life I've stolen from you.

Thank you for the opportunity to learn how to love you better. Being your wife is a blessing from a gracious God. You truly are my treasure, Ishi.

Faithfully loving you,
Grace

7-26-08

My dearest Grace,

Words cannot express what i've felt and thought over the last five weeks. The wonderful, terrifying, and deeply sad feelings. I want you to understand something... I want you to know, in the deepest reaches of my being... I am in love with you. I always have been and always will be.

I could never hurt this deeply if i didn't love you deeply. After all the years, the hurts we've inflicted upon each other, there is still no one else i want to spend forever with.

Despite us, I love you, adore you, am enlarged by you, am made complete in you. God has given me a precious gift I can never let go of! You still inspire me after 22 years. I want you, I need you, I am completely and solely yours. I am looking forward to our new life together. I am forever yours! Always!

Ishi

another from 7-26-08 (this is not her real name posted here, she did a production of Oliver!)

My beautiful wife,

I sit in the theater waiting for the show to begin with great anticipation. I am so very proud of you! Each night I look forward to seeing and hearing you on stage. You are truly a joy to behold. Every night I hear all kinds of people remarking on your beauty, your acting skill, and of course your voice! I cannot help but sit here and smile. I am glowing with pride for you! Can you see how very much in love with you I am? Even this one little aspect of your life is an opportunity for me to brag on you, to tell the world how great you are. My dear "Nancy", do you know who and what you are? You aren't Nancy of course, you are my wife, Grace, and the obkect of my love and devotion. I am learning to rejoice in you more and more every day.

Thank you so much for being my wife.

I love you.
CV