My WW and I are solidly in recovery now, and MB has given us a lot of positive feeling back. We're happier now than we were for months before the A, and it's definitely snowballing.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. She still has occasional thoughts to push away, and I am troubled daily by surges of mind movies, anger, and resentment.

What were your tricks to get through recovery? How did you process the normal feelings of anger, betrayal, guilt etc and move on? How long did it take for you? I'm sure any advice you can offer to help get through each day would be helpful to many here.

I am by far NOT the model here... I was still dealing with it 3 years in... Not to the same degree as 2 years in or 2 months in... It just took hard work and time.

One thing I did was try and identify "trigger times". When was I triggered the most? What times of day and what major events and things (anniversaries, holidays, music, places, etc...)

I had to avoid certain things for a good while.

Use them as opportunities to talk positively. "honey, why are you feeling like pulling away? What can I do to help?

CV

Thanks for the replies CV. For you, was it particular times of day? States of mind? For example, Ifind I get a swell at about 11pm. When I'm tired and/or hungry it's much more likely to crop up.

I forgot to mention the mantra that has gotten me this far: I'm here because of who she is TODAY. No one can change the past, but she is doing everything she can to change the future.

But basically, I find that when I feel the swell coming, there's nothing I can do but ride it out. It takes about 30-45 minutes, and then it goes away on its own.

I be no means have been able to master the heat of the anger when it washes up on me but recently I read of someone who, when the anger starts to flow, will simply hug or kiss his wife and tell her he's going thru a bad moment right now and loves her.

Ive been trying that lately.

I trigger a lot more when I am alone. I don't trigger much when H is home or we are together.

If you're a praying person, prayer helps a lot when you trigger - or memorized bible verses that provide comfort. Or - a few good inspirational quotes can also serve that purpose.

As I just stated in another thread, I trigger more when I am feeling down on myself. I'm not sure if it's because I feel (somewhere deep down) that if only I had been perfect that none of this would've happened...or what. So, I also find that if I start to trigger I need to look at how I feel about me.

Of course, making sure H and I are following the MB program can also give a glimpse of why I might be triggering. Sometimes just doing something - anything - towards the good of the marriage when a trigger hits is helpful.

We did some things quite out of our pre-discovery routine.

We prayed together at least once a day.
We read aloud to each other at night.
(Not marriage books. Books that were otherwise interesting. Then, we discussed what we read.)
We took long walks together.
We showered together.
We turned off the television and talked.

We read the same marriage books, but separately.
We each used a different colored highlighter.
We could see what the other found interesting/important/notable/memorable.
We wrote notes in the book margins as well.

Dude, http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html is fantastic for me. That 90 second rule really helps! It's made a big difference to my ability to dodge waves before they come.

I talked to my wife the other night about a feeling I have, like it's too easy. Like we don't deserve to be this happy: either she doesn't deserve to come back to a positive, happy relationship like this so easily, or I'm just lying to myself about it all. She has the same feeling sometimes, like a guilt for when the recovery is going well. But as she put it, we're not recovered yet by a long shot. We both still face waves, negative emotions, and memories that we are fighting. And, as she put it, look at us now: it's 4am and we can't sleep. Clearly we're still working through this. It's not easy at all! But just because we aren't at each other's throats or yelling at each other, threatening to leave at the drop of a hat, that little voice says "it's too easy!" How weird the voices in our heads are!

I am so glad it helped... Part of the genius of the MB program is simply what you write... it really is that easy.

CV

I should clarify... It's easy in the respect of making deposits in the LB, not making DJ, etc... not the emotional fallout of it.