Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2586616 01/18/12 09:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
H
Hyla Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
I'm new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have two little boys. I love him but the fall has been stressful and we were drifting apart.

We met a couple last year that we really hit it off with. The husband became attracted to me, which I did not realize at first until he touched my briefly shoulders one evening. I tried to ignore these advances and other very subtle advances, but we did keep seeing them as a couple. We were never alone and he did this with all present. I hoped it would go away by ignoring him but he and I have a lot in common and really get along. Every time I try to say something I loose my nerve or someone comes by because we are never alone. I was scared to say anything. I have never been in this situation before. But now it was like I was tied to him by this dilemma. And our interaction was mostly about our interests. No intimate talking, no verbal acknowledgment of this. We did stare at each other a couple of times and that was intense.

The four of us continued to occasionally see each. 6 times in 4 months but I realized the last time we saw each other that I needed to ignore him altogether that night but he kept making comments and trying to get my attention. I felt like he was starting to loose control of himself but exposing his attention to his wife or my husband.

So I told my husband that I was attracted to his man and that nothing has happened between us. He was understanding and felt that I could just tell him to back off and he would stop.

So I called my friend's husband privately (which I have never done before) after a three weeks of no contact. I said that I wanted to make sure that he understood that nothing is going on and he denied all of the attention. I told him specifically about touching me and winking at me made me uncomfortable but he said would turn the page and the conversation ended well. He asked me and I told him that I told my husband about his advances.

He called me back two hours later. He told me it was the worst 2 hours of his life and that no one had ever accused him of this before. So I now feel very bad that my inaction led to him been so attached to me. He told his wife about my accusation and she was "taken aback". I have not heard from them since. It has been a week and I feel very badly for causing this chaos for my friends.

I have done a lot of reading and have turned my attention to my own marriage but feel very stressed at meeting my friend. I feel like I had to stop this and it was the right thing to do but where do I go from here?

What do I say to my friend?


Hyla #2586624 01/18/12 09:31 AM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Originally Posted by Hyla
I'm new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have two little boys. I love him but the fall has been stressful and we were drifting apart.

We met a couple last year that we really hit it off with. The husband became attracted to me, which I did not realize at first until he touched my briefly shoulders one evening. I tried to ignore these advances and other very subtle advances, but we did keep seeing them as a couple. We were never alone and he did this with all present. I hoped it would go away by ignoring him but he and I have a lot in common and really get along. Every time I try to say something I loose my nerve or someone comes by because we are never alone. I was scared to say anything. I have never been in this situation before. But now it was like I was tied to him by this dilemma. And our interaction was mostly about our interests. No intimate talking, no verbal acknowledgment of this. We did stare at each other a couple of times and that was intense.

The four of us continued to occasionally see each. 6 times in 4 months but I realized the last time we saw each other that I needed to ignore him altogether that night but he kept making comments and trying to get my attention. I felt like he was starting to loose control of himself but exposing his attention to his wife or my husband.

So I told my husband that I was attracted to his man and that nothing has happened between us. He was understanding and felt that I could just tell him to back off and he would stop.

So I called my friend's husband privately (which I have never done before) after a three weeks of no contact. I said that I wanted to make sure that he understood that nothing is going on and he denied all of the attention. I told him specifically about touching me and winking at me made me uncomfortable but he said would turn the page and the conversation ended well. He asked me and I told him that I told my husband about his advances.

He called me back two hours later. He told me it was the worst 2 hours of his life and that no one had ever accused him of this before. So I now feel very bad that my inaction led to him been so attached to me. He told his wife about my accusation and she was "taken aback". I have not heard from them since. It has been a week and I feel very badly for causing this chaos for my friends.

I have done a lot of reading and have turned my attention to my own marriage but feel very stressed at meeting my friend. I feel like I had to stop this and it was the right thing to do but where do I go from here?

What do I say to my friend?


Hyla, welcome to marriage builders.

You did good in telling your husband. There are some things you can do beginning now to ensure that you do not continue in a one sided emotional affair and can kill this now.

I strongly suggest you tell your husband that you are still having thoughts/feelings about the other man. I would also suggest you ask him to help you.

Here are a few things to get you started:

1) No more private conversations with members of the opposite sex
2) No more contact with this man. The fact he was doing this and then denying it, tells me he was interested and is now denying it to cover his butt.
3) You and your husband need to do the emotional needs survey here on the site.
Begin by reading here.

and then do the questionnaire here<---


Lastly, you should not be saying anything to the other man. There is an attachment for you there and it will make it difficult for you to remain faithful in your marriage. If anything needs to be said there, let your husband say it. Another man has no business touching you at all.

CV


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Hyla #2586626 01/18/12 09:31 AM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
There are 100s of people on this site wishing their 'drifting spouses' had the courage to speak up before the relationship got horizontal. You had to courage to address something well before it ruined many lives.

To your friend you say, Im sorry if I misinterpreted your husband friendliness for something else. I never had a person so comfortable in our friendship that looks and touches were part of his way. I hope we can be friends again and act like this didnt happen.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Hyla #2586643 01/18/12 09:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Hyla
I have done a lot of reading and have turned my attention to my own marriage but feel very stressed at meeting my friend. I feel like I had to stop this and it was the right thing to do but where do I go from here?

What do I say to my friend?

You were correct to stop his flirting.
That's exactly what he was doing, flirting with you.
Many people think flirting is 'harmless'. However, we on MB know better.
Flirting often fills someone's EN for attention, and then inappropriate attachments might begin to develop.

What do you say to your friend?

Simple truth.

"I do not want anyone flirting with me except my husband."

This is a declarative statement about yourself. Not an accusatory statement about her husband.

Hyla #2586661 01/18/12 10:41 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Hyla
He told his wife about my accusation and she was "taken aback". I have not heard from them since. It has been a week and I feel very badly for causing this chaos for my friends.

What do I say to my friend?

Hyla. Your story is exactly how my own nightmare began. My own FWH flirting with our friend's wife resulted in a PA and devastated two families.

I would recommend that you apologize to OMW for your own behaviour and then distance yourself from this couple. I am a bit surprised that OMW was taken aback after this took place in front of her...but that only shows that she has poor boundaries as well as her husband.

Find some people who will be be friends to you AND your marriage. This couple is not good friend material.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Hyla #2586693 01/18/12 11:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
He called me back two hours later. He told me it was the worst 2 hours of his life and that no one had ever accused him of this before.
Damage control. The potential OM realized that you were leaking the story about his advances to you. He needed a cover, and he decided on Righteous Indignation.

Doesn't matter. Your call was a good one. This was inappropriate and you knew it. Good for you, to get off the slippery slope to adultery! hurray

You have lost this couple as friends. It is dangerous for you to have anything to do with OM, even with your spouses present, as you have seen.

But it's also a good lesson learned. Your boundaries were tested, and they held.

Quote
So I now feel very bad that my inaction led to him been so attached to me.
Quote
It has been a week and I feel very badly for causing this chaos for my friends.
This concern of yours is caused by someone else's decisions. You don't own this. Let him own the shame for his poor boundaries and decisions.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Hyla
I have done a lot of reading and have turned my attention to my own marriage but feel very stressed at meeting my friend. I feel like I had to stop this and it was the right thing to do but where do I go from here?

What do I say to my friend?

You were correct to stop his flirting.
That's exactly what he was doing, flirting with you.
Many people think flirting is 'harmless'. However, we on MB know better.
Flirting often fills someone's EN for attention, and then inappropriate attachments might begin to develop.

What do you say to your friend?

Simple truth.

"I do not want anyone flirting with me except my husband."

This is a declarative statement about yourself. Not an accusatory statement about her husband.

As pep said you don't want any other men flirting with you but your H

You were right to tell your H that the OM was coming on to you.

Where you went wrong was not to tell H that the both of you can never be friends with this other couple. That the both of you need to go NC, no contact with them.

You were wrong to call the OM.

Why? Because all he did was deny any wrong doing. You were having an active over imagination, etc....all according to him. After all there was no hard evidence to link him to his evil intentions.

I have never needed to touch my wife friends or my friends wives shoulders. Or stare into their eyes.

And then after informing OM that your H knows the OM ran to tell his BW.

Why did OM do that?

To through you under the truck painting you as a nut job after him.

OM doing what OM do. Damage control. A phrase used by politicians and liars (sorry for being redundent) when lying.

Now that your here read up on the site there are many things here to improve marriages besides affair info.

And if you H thinks you were wrong send him here. There are many that are willing to give him an education about predators.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5