Last night he seemed to really hear me...i am always careful to let him know when my insecurities are rearing their ugly heads..and we had a very fullfilling night together in every way.

i struggle with these happy times...seeing him happy and flirty and carefree because it's hard for me to believe that i am the one he feels this way about again. the last time he was like this...it was not because of me.

but i have to say i think it's more me reacting to what isn't even there then him not doing.

Hi Melodylane:

I have and still can't get to the computer, it's a work one with confidential material on it...however, everything else i can get to show no activity.

We do try to work the program, we have tried to keep the lines of communication flowing. I try real hard not to bulldoze and want to constantly talk, and he tries to live within the bounderies we have set together for communication.

I do do everything i can with him from watching t.v. to car shows, bike shows etc... he finally said he would go to something i have picked to do for us to have fun....he's not a stick in the mud....but taking a dance classs, exercise, books anything like that he's happy to let me do alone!

Like i said we love to fix up our home, decorated together, so we've been doing that and spending time alone in the evenings...with the t.v. that is. i'm not sure if he understands this is not UA time...he enjoys it and we do talk and we are starting to make couple friends where we have moved.

i just freaked about this new SF distance between us...He does come home and hug and kiss and flirt and play....it just has not gone any further than that until last night. Maybe it truly is a timing issue....i don't know.

So last night we encountered a problem with our 19 yr.old who still lives at home. we have asked him not to smoke in the house and when i came upstairs i smelled smoke..and not just ciggerette smoke. we have caught him before smoking this stuff they sell as "incense" supposedly legal to sell but not "smoke". all h*** broke loose and we had a major fight. WH as always went into closed mode and shut the door to our bedroom and i had this fight out with son on my own. Son needs a job, WH is getting him a job where he works when this certain contract comes through....i went into the bedroom and begged him to help me with son, to talk to me what should we do. He told me he was done talking and he wasn't dealing with it tonight.

I begged him to help deal with it..that it had to be dealt with now. he said no. he shut the door and that was that. S continued to badger me all night long. WH was upstairs and i was down..he completly shut me out and left me on my own. S said dad never wants to talk...he's right. i didn't say that to son but he is. this am. WH was to take son to work and he didn't told him he wasn't going to introduce him around or help get the job. that wasn't the plan...even with what he's doing. he needs a job..he is in school taking classes but has to much time on his hands. when i asked if we could talk about this and when did he make this decision he said no. He had a side job to do and he was supposed to take son along and he wasn't going to and i said he had to. it wasn't fair to leave me dealing with this alone. he said no and this wasn't his fault he wasn't going to deal with it.... so....here we go.... i just looked at him...and said it's not my fault either..S doens't want to abide by the rules we have set down...we have to talk about this and stand together and help him make better decision....or tough love him....but either way placing blame where blame does not belong seperates us.... he finally took him with him.. this is what WH does, throws the walls up and no one gets in...so we are back to being behind these walls, seperated. he hasn't changed how he deals with the tough situations. what do i do?

I could see all the defiance of 3 years ago in his eyes, he blam
es me...for what happened, for the choices he made and why and for how its affected our family. How do i deal with the weight of that kind of blame. we're both at fault for S. we both have to deal with it. we both have to come up with a plan. he's still our son. I'm willing to do the tuff stuff, make him leave, cut off his phone, let him see what the real would is like, but should i make these decisions alone? do i have to deal with it alone?

Blindsidedbetty,

I am sorry you are going through this, I have a son in your position and sometimes it is a hard road parenting him, he is 22 now and is starting to come around, but he is very strong headed and doesn't like to beat to anyone else's drum......
I would ask your husband to take some parenting classes with you or read some books on how to deal with young adults, my guess is your husband doesn't want to deal with problems so he thinks if he blocks them out someone else will do the work, your son knows this by now.........and knows that since his dad doesn't stand up and parent he can get away with his behavior.
I would suggest to you that you both start spending more time with your son, he needs to feel the family value again, it doesn't take much, an hour a day to do something together or just talk the car is a great place.........
You need to reconnect and be his safe place, he will want to please you when he feels better........we started to do this and it has helped, it was hard at first, my son spent time in the garage too, I would go in there with him using all kinds of excuses, getting his advice on something I was trying to figure out,cleaning something all the while talking to him.......demands don't help you have to find differnent ways to reach him with communication and feelings, love him to death.....you dont' have to agree with his choice but you can explain that it scares you and that you love him enough to say that.........
Your husband might want to watch and learn as well, he is the same sex parent and your son wants to look up at him and admire his abilities to deal with problems........they need to connect better with communication......calmly, directly in a more think about this attitude then telling him what to do.....
I do this I say these are all the facts and go through the different choices and results and try to get him to process each and everything he does like that.....
Some times it takes one parent to care enough to get through, I hope your husband can get on board but don't give up on your son, there is lots of help out there, maybe a family member so it doesn't seem so forced...........
You never know who can help............
good luck

thank you for that advise...we do have a strong family unit. i have a daughter and son-in-law that 19 year old reached out to. the next day my WH and son went to work and worked on cars all day at the garage. WH said 1/2 way through the day it was like son was a different boy/man. we do spend time with him, we eat dinner together, we do fun things when they come up...we are interested in his music and classes....he just wants to do what he wants to do. when they came home that Sat. night....we just took a breather....on sunday WH and i went to an early lunch and talked about how to handle this, we talked about our lack of cummunication and how it effects son. then we came home and talked to him. explained the bounderies again of whats allowed in our home and what was expected of him. reminded him that he is 19 and those bounderies have to be handled respectfully like a man of honor would respect them. his sister and brother-in -law have asked him to come out for the week -end and during his stay they are going to offer him their home....with the same bounderies...we have talked together and although that is not my first choice for them....they want him to come and stay...so we are trying to be supportive of both. i have talked to her at length about the pros and cons for son and them. they are newleweds and i would like to see them concentrate on themselves. but they won't turn him away if he continues to reach out to them, which i am gratefull. son-in-law is an associate pastor and daughter is a councellor for a drug rehab. program....so son knows what he is getting himself in for if he decides to go live with them.

so we will see.....i could just see all the pent up anger, blame and frustration on WH face....i'm not even sure if he realized how buried most of his emotions are......