We are 4 months into recovery, and really it's going better than my WH and I could have ever imagined - spending lots of UA, and meeting top 5 emotional needs. He told me just yesterday that I am meeting all 5 very well!

But, we are reading "His Needs, Her Needs" now, and the descriptions of other's affairs was a major trigger for me this week. I've been very obsessed with the A, jealous of the time WH spent with her, and can't stop thinking about it. Every time I read one of these books this happens.

So, I would appreciate advise on how to handle this and get through it. I want to read the books, but it is very difficult! It put me in a funk for a few days and made WH depressed because as he said "he is the cause of all this pain". Then it makes ME feel bad that he is hurting.....

Skip sections that trigger you at this time. (4 months)
Try reading those sections later. Maybe in 6 months from now?

Almost every chapter has some reference to affairs. You could just read the information on this site about how to meet needs (under basic needs). I also think other books, like "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" may provide what you need without those references. I don't have that title, so someone correct me if I'm wrong.

Do this along with the workbook "5 steps to romantic Love" and you'll have the tools you need. There's info in the workbook that helps and is quite to the point about the needs and Lovebusters.

Thank you both. We both want to keep the great momentum we have going to keep up the "in love with you" feeling. I will look into the workbook.

Pepperband - I understand that the memories dull over time and are less hurtful, but just curious why you put 6 months down as a suggestion. From your experience here, does this seem to be around the time it starts to get easier? I realize it's different for everyone, just curious. I will have a great few weeks with flashes of thoughts but not consuming, then a few days were I am so depressed about it. Last night my WH, when we were discussing my difficult time this week, said he "read that some people never get over it and are never able to move on". While he doesn't think I should "just get over it", I think he is fearful 2 or 3 years down the road I will continue to obsess over the memories and all we accomplished will unravel. I am hopeful time will heal these wounds, and believe they will.

Any thoughts (from all).

TIME sweetie I have made the mistake of bringing up the affair in our recovery and it keeps it in our thoughts. It doesn't deserve a second of my time, but I have obsessed about details etc. My thread is now locked so it can get pushed to the back of the message board, I kept looking back on it and experiencing the pain all over again. When you replace all your painful memories with new ones (like it sounds you are doing a great job!)then you will hurt less and less.

While it will always be a part of your history,it doesn't define your marriage, and think of it as the catalyst (albeit a nasty one!) for a new and wonderful life! Bury that affair, piss on its grave, and don't bring it into the present! Even if you are triggered (cause it will happen for awhile) your spouse shouldn't be reminded of the affair either. Just ask for an extra hug or kiss! Dr. Harley recommends NO discussion of the affair (after you get the initial disclosure etc.) as it is an Enemy of Good Conversation.

Fyi, I believe the worst of it is over in 6 months (not from D-day, but after Ep's in place, No Contact etc. This in itself can take time if your spouse is reluctant or thinks "his way" will work.) It's approx. 2 years for healing if you follow the program!

LOL,

NGB and I printed pretty much all the material on the website and put it together in a binder.

By the time SAA and HNHNfP arrived, the reading was more or less redundant.

The "Marriage Binder" is kind of a neat little deal. We also store our periodic ENQ and LBQ refreshers in there.

I went through the same thing recently, Love! Even posted about it in my thread. It was esp. hard because one of the couples in the book had the names of my H and OW!

The suggestions you've gotten thus far are spot on.

The lessons you learn through the books are invaluable, but I know it's hard. Putting things into practice truly help get you through the triggers.

...descriptions of other's affairs was a major trigger...

I have made this point on other threads. Accept the trigger that just arose. Don't avoid it, process it completely. Finished? Now tell yourself that that trigger will never initiate the same negative feelings again. It had power over you because it made manifest bad memories/doubts/inputs that were dormant. They no longer matter because having analyzed those historical factors totally, you understand that as history, they are not of the same level of import as your future.

Do this with every trigger. Eventually, you'll run out of triggers.

Thanks to all for your words of encouragement. What a difference a week makes! My H and I are both reading the book, and I have read several more chapters with no bad feelings. We had an exceptionally wonderful, close weekend, so that probably helped a lot! I realize that nothing can change the past, but so much can affect the future. In fact, dwelling on the past will negatively affect the future, so I can't afford it. I will continue to relish the little move messages I get from H, knowing that he means every bit of it for ME, and no one else.

The way Dr. Harley often talks about dealing with triggers is a process:
1. Analyze what was happening just before you began feeling unhappy. Typically, it's your spouse behaving in some way like they were during the affair. However, it can be a location, a smell, an object, a photo, etc.
2. Discuss the trigger with your spouse. Indicate how it makes you feel, and come up with a plan together how to avoid the trigger in the future.
-- If the trigger is something unavoidable, then sometimes the solution is what @NeverGuessed indicated: saturation. Revisit the trigger over and over (either in your mind or physically if it's something like a location) and analyze it as objectively as you can. In some cases it's not possible to get over the trigger, and other measures -- like moving -- are required to avoid it.
-- If the trigger is something that your spouse is doing, then the spouse should learn to not do that anymore.

That latter bit is a hard sell for a lot of people, particularly many men. It's difficult for us to be willing to do things -- or not do things -- without a logical, valid reason. But in marriage, we have to accommodate our spouse's feelings, even if we think it's a little nuts. The way I justify it in my mind is that the most logical thing of all is to keep a happy marriage with my spouse, therefore if I must make illogical accommodations to keep my spouse happy, I will.