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Oh. no, no, no, Bricks. Don't bail on this board.

I completely understand your desire to divorce. It's possible that you'll change your mind, but maybe you won't.

In either case, you'll get a lot of support here. You can use this forum for support and advice if you decide to try to reconcile, or use it for the same reason as you go through the divorce process. If you decide to proceed with divorce, you can move your thread over to the Divorced/Divorcing forum and get help staying sane and grounded through a difficult, emotionally-painful process.

I'm the last one to try to convince you one way or the other on how you should deal with the infidelity in your marriage, but would like to be the first in line to convince you to stay here, use this site, whatever path you take.

There are a lot of great folks here that've walked your walk ahead of you. Please stay and let them support you. You'll quickly find yourself in a position to support and help others.

EDIT: Well, okay. Please let me be the second in line to convince you to stay here. MB beat me to the head of the line smile

Last edited by OldWarHorse; 01/28/12 07:15 AM.
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Originally Posted by Bricks
Some bad news for me and my kids. She admitted they ***EDIT*** in NY when she visited there. At this point I am no longer interested in continuing the marriage.

I’m going to call the OMW today and let her know. What a shame, so much lost and destroyed, so many hurt. For absolutely nothing.

I am sorry for wasting everyone’s time here.

I wish everyone the best luck in moving forward in their lives, whichever path that may take.

Kind regards and best wishes,

Bricks


I am very sorry Bricks, I had a feeling about this and wish I had been wrong.

Bricks, you have every right to make this decision if you are sure.

But are you? It is very rare we see a permanent decision made rationally on here so close to D-Day.

Why not work the plans anyway, and ensure you have all options - including divorce - open to you when you feel more level.

You deserve all options, quite frankly.

You can be perfectly frank with her about not being sure, about leaning towards divorce

The danger of leaving MB at this stage is that you WILL soon miss her, and regret the decision. If you then return without any plan in place it puts you at risk of a false recovery.

I am divorcing my H and dont want to recover. But the MB plans have stopped me from making mistakes in that respect.

Last edited by Ariel; 01/28/12 07:53 AM. Reason: Editing quote

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Bricks
To any WW’s who might be reading, attitude and actions go a long way. Two days ago I was furious and ready to divorce; now my anger is mostly gone and I want to rebuild my marriage with my wife.


Feeling change daily.

It is an emotional rollercoaster.

It takes time for it to stop.

When it stops, you will know.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Yeah divorce might be inevitable, but its good to have some place to vent and discuss options while you are splitting up.

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Bricks,

Have you checked out Mirror-Mirror's thread?

think its called caught in the act...

He caught his wife in the act, on top of OM. Not suprisingly he wanted to go straight to Plan D and Plan FU. He was a tough customer and took no excuses from her at all.
He is recovering, nevertheless because his wife's actions to show commitment, just compensation and repentance have been unstoppable and unwavering.

I am not saying your situaion will be the same, I dont know how trustworthy your wife will show herself to be or indeed that you will care. Just that it is possible and worth a look.

Last edited by indiegirl; 01/28/12 07:33 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Bricks,

I'm sorry. I know it hurts but I wouldn't bail out so quickly. You've only been on this site for 5 days. Give it a chance. The best case scenario is that you and your wife are able to save your marriage. The worst case scenario is that you have a place to vent and get support in the event that you do divorce.

The one thing you have going for you is that your WW is here seeking help. That in itself is 100% more than what my WW has done. That says your wife wants to work on the marriage.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to minimize your pain or condone your wife�s behavior. There are lots of people here who would love for their wayward spouse to admit they need help, and are seeking help to save their marriage. In that sense you�re ahead of most and you�re marriage may have a chance. My soon to be ex never had any intention of trying to work out the problems of our marriage or even admitting any wrong doing. My marriage probably never had a chance of working.

Think about it over the weekend. I know it hurts and you�re probably an emotional wreck. But don�t make a decision based on emotions right now.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Sorry Bricks.
frown

Take your time to decide to divorce <~~~ LINK

Last edited by Pepperband; 01/28/12 11:28 AM.
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So sorry to hear this, Bricks.

While I completely support a BS's decision to D over infidelity (really I do! I am currently in Plan D!), I agree with what Pep posted to you ~ take your time to make that decision. Please.

The decision to D should NOT come right after you have gotten the devastating news that you have just gotten.

And I understand that dealing with a foggy (still lying) wayward is extremely frustrating, but please know that as she defogs, your feelings towards her will most likely change. Since she has agreed to NC, poly and to get onboard with MB, I have a lot of hope that she can make a turn-around. But she will need some time. WW's don't defog overnight.

I hope you will come back even if you do decide to D and keep posting, Bricks. Hang in there...

Last edited by SusieQ; 01/28/12 12:58 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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Hi Bricks. I just got through looking at your thread, and would first like to reinterate what others have already said about having a "cool down", period, before making any life-altering decisions. Most, if not all of what happens next, will depend on your wife and her actions. If you look at my threads, you will see that my wife has literally done everything she could to PROVE her love, honesty, remorse and commitment to our marriage, except suicide (and she considered this). She has and will take any Poly I say, whenever I say it. She has given me a post-nup that states that If we divorce FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON, she leaves the marriage with basically the clothes on her back. ALL money, property, household effects, custody of the girls, are mine. She doesn't use the PC except in my presence, she has no cell phone, except when I give it to her, and whenever she goes anywhere, she has to account for everything if I want her to, and be on call 24/7. But the MOST important thing is THAT SHE IS THE ONE WHO DID ALL OF THIS. She is not only willing but actually looks for new ways to prove herself. And even with this, there are times when I have seriously thought about divorcing her. If you want, you can look at my threads, and see what WE have done together, to re-make our marriage, but right now you need to take some time to assess your own feelings and wants. I completely recommend the programs of the Harley's, and I want you to know that my wife and I are 100% behind their recommendations for reconciliation. The POJA, meeting the EN's, Radical honesty, Love bank, and quality time together, we practice (almost without thinking anymore) religiously. We both, constantly, are searching for new ways to show our love and devotion. We agree that without this site and the information we have received that we would most likely be divorced and she would maybe have attempted to end her life. Reconciliation CAN happen, we are proof of that.

Last edited by mirrormirror; 01/28/12 02:53 PM.
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Bricks are you ok?

Super worried about you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Bricks, I am gonna throw my voice into the ring too.

Feelings not only change day to day, they can change minute to minute.

If you don't want to post right now, we all understand. You could read some other threads and see what advice is given.

I would ensure that you get a poly even if your WW says she has admitted to everything. Waywards tend to trickle truth. It's quite common.

Your emotions are very raw right now. Take a breath. You have time to decide if you want to get a D.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Bricks,
Usually the line for the roller coaster is a lot longer than the ride itself. Not true with infidelity. Its a long, nauseating ride. I've been on it since August and I think I have a long way to go before its over. My emotions and feelings have vacillated a great deal. There have been many days and even weeks where I felt resigned to ending the marriage. Anger and intense pain ruled over my first month of the affair. I wanted to end it. Later, after assessing everything (Like you, I have children), I wanted to fight for reconciliation. I still go back and forth, but ultimately, I believe my marriage is worth saving provided there is true remorse and a renewed commitment to rebuilding it following the MB principles. It's been posted here that 65% of marriages survive affairs. I've heard many stories of marriages recovering and being better than ever.

Obviously, this is a decision for you to make, but like so many have already suggested, give it some time; don't be rash.


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Bricks, just wanted to let you know we are all thinking of you. Take care.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I apologize for the melodramatic previous message. I received two �additional� pieces of information from my wife over the weekend. #1) she admitted sex; #2) she said they met twice. She took a trip to a different state earlier than the NY trip, that I completely forgot about; that is where they apparently first met. I then called the other BW with this new information, and she again spoke to my wife.

I decided to divorce, and I asked her to leave. She respected that decision, left the credit cards (I didn�t ask this), took no money or anything else. However, I began to think more about my kids, and maybe that option is not the best for them. I don�t want their lives to be destroyed. I think I at least owe them the possibility of saving their family. It was very hard to swallow my pride on this one.

However, I decided to continue through with the divorce, as this marriage is dead to me. She agreed to an uncontested divorce in which I get what I wanted (house, primary custody, basically all assets); I�m preparing the papers, which are fairly easy in this case.

But, I also decided to try to work on reconciliation. This time, SHE needs to take the lead. If it works out, possibly we can remarry. I also require a prenuptial in the case of a new marriage She agreed to all of my terms. So far, she seems sincere (called Harleys, participates in the forum, scheduled poly, scheduled STD testing). That said, I�m tentative now, waiting for yet another shoe to drop. The poly is the final decider. ANY failed questions = no more chances. Then, I�ll have a free conscience ending this. Every piece of new major info eliminates more of my desire to try. There is not much left. We�ll see.

Thanks to all for caring, I really appreciate it. I really do.




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Bricks, I am sorry that you had this devastating blow to you this weekend.

I also understand that you want to divorce. That is your right. How long would the divorce take? We usually suggest that BSs don't make any life changing decisions for at least 6 months after DDay.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks, Scotland.

Uncontested divorce w/ children I believe is 6 months in my state, but I could be mistaken. However, I don�t want to delay on this for my protection. I no longer trust my ability to know if my wife is lying or not. I am afraid I may get sucked back into a false life with her again. With the divorce, I feel secure with the other important things in my life, primarily my kids. I envision this as a divorce on paper only; she would still live in the house (although we are in separate rooms for now) as we work toward reconciliation. Also, I feel that there needs to be some strong consequence for her actions from me. I am not sure what else to do that I can live with.




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Hey Bricks its good to hear from you, I was thinking about you all day today!

Trickle truth is massively painful and your wife will have to do a buttload (thats the technical term) of Just Compensation to make up for this.

Poly is of course essential, and I like some of her other actions...

How transparent is her life to you? Can you see everything? Do you have access to all accounts and passwords?

Is the divorce for your legal protection? Couldnt you just do the poly now? If she pledges to leave the marrriage with nothing and to give full custody in the case of a divorce, that action could be more just compensation for you.

But do whatever protects you best according to your legal advisor. You need to verify eveything and protect to the hilt of course.

Bravo for you giving your marriage a shot. If nothing else you can leave knowing you did all you could.

I dont regret working the MB plans even though Im getting divorced because giving it your all means no regrets.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Bricks, would you be able to achieve the same with a Post-nup?

I think it would be very confusing for your children to find out that you are getting a divorce but your wife will still be living there and you would be dating her. Have you thought about how that will effect them?

I also think that you should tell your children. They are most likely blaming themselves for what is going on at home now. No one is telling them what is going on, so they will think it MUST be about them. They should know the TRUTH. This is about their family too.

I also think, and am pushing, to have your family and friends learn about the affair as well.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Exposure is a must Bricks,

Mould doesnt grow well in sunlight. Lets get it out there.

Who would be on the exposure list?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Post nups mean nothing in my state.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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